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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 24/05/2017 20:41

@mrsmrsmrs and you'd have no problems being married to a man who would walk away from his obligations to his children?! I couldn't possibly stay married to such a selfish pathetic deadbeat.

Dadkh · 24/05/2017 20:42

Actually FlossyMooToo I met my ex wife before I was 20 and she had 2 children that I raised as my own with the inclusion of the child we had together, even when we separated I still looked and paid for my step children for 2 years after we our seperation until I found a new partner and my ex stopped me seeing my step children completely

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 20:43

Handmaidens!!! God forbid anyone should have a differing opinion from the herd. All this vitriol at the mere suggestion that the sainted ex wife has behaved very badly and that she should accept the consequences of her actions. God forbid she should swallow her pride and meet OP halfway in accepting the out she has been offered. First wives can do no wrong and second wives are all evil, even when they have volunteered to take on obligations to first wife's children to whom they owe nothing. God forbid some women actually disagree with the behaviour of other women. They must be the deadbeat dad in disguise posting for the first time or a handmaiden pandering to patriarchy. For me I think it's more damaging to womanhood to blindly defend bad behaviour from women simply because they share the same sex as me.
Ex wife behaved badly, OP has maybe reacted badly some would say. But ex wife started it and OP has given her a way to end it without affecting the children. Choice is ex wife's. But what she and other poster do not get to do is to guilt OP into assuming her DH'S obligations

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 20:43

As much as a toddler Not?
A 12 can be left for an hour after school so any childcare support by wonder dad would not make up for CM lost.
I think you are grasping at straws and frankly its pathetic.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 20:43

12 is not a teenager and they do need childcare

Hahahahahahahaha...what is it you think working single parents do when their children go to high school?

Please now tell me what a shit parent I am for working for a living and supporting my children and expecting a 12 year old to get themselves home from school, let themselves in and co plate homework. It really would make my day.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 24/05/2017 20:44

Maybe she works nights. Not every one is YOU, little miss arrogant.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 20:45

Dad how does your choice to support children that are not yours mean its ok for this dad to not support children that are is?

Dadkh · 24/05/2017 20:45

Yes I get they are teenagers but help is help,
CM is calculated on average nights of care per week, wage and other children so if he's willing to help out with school runs, teas, school trips dinners etc does the OP or her OH need to pay maintenance or can they support in other ways?

Dadkh · 24/05/2017 20:47

FlossyMooToo because my step children's biological father did not work or pay maintenance and we managed fine and when only 1 of us was working

BitchQueen90 · 24/05/2017 20:48

fatdogs no one here is claiming the ex wife is a saint, but to withdraw child maintenance because of what she said is utterly shit. There are other ways to deal with these kind of situations, that is just punishing the children.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 20:49

dad with all due respect, this is one stay at home dad who won't be helping out in other ways. He has already found himself a way of shirking his responsibilities and if the ex doesn't apologise, I can pretty much predict that he won't bother with his children. The OP and her partner are quite clearly unable to separate out the two - pretty common. Poor kids.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 20:49

You wasted 15 minutes of uour life posting that Fat. Not one poster thinks the ex is a saint by what she said.
BUT seen as we are playing top trumps the ex said words that will do no harm the the OPs child. .
The OPs actions will negativly impact on the children which is much worse and you know it.

JuicyStrawberry · 24/05/2017 20:52

mrs your post at 20:01 is spot on.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 20:54

Dad is shit dad going to clean the exes house while she works extra hours? Will he do all of their laundry, clean the exes house, organise health appointments, sort out clubs and parties?
No of course he wont vecause he will be doing all that for his new baby in his new house.
He will contribute fuck all to the upbringing of his first kids apart from 1 hours child care a day at most.
Take your mansplaining elsehere.

peachgreen · 24/05/2017 20:55

Fatdogs Oh, come on. Nobody is saying the ExW is a saint. Quite the opposite. What she said was utterly vile and OP and her DH are well within their rights to have nothing more to do with her, barring necessary contact about DH's children. But they're choosing to punish THE CHILDREN, not the ExW. You must be able to see that saying a horrible thing - no matter how horrible - is NOT the same as actively depriving two children? You surely can't be condoning a father deciding to no longer support his children because he's angry with their mother? They are two entirely different things and you know it.

And I say this as a second wife who has lost a baby, for what it's worth.

stitchglitched · 24/05/2017 20:56

I'm sure the ex will be thrilled if her ex offers to offset his financial support by providing childcare for their 15 year old. Hmm

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 20:58

Stich but he offered to babysit a 15 yo surely that means he cares and should not have to pay for her food and stuff Wink

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 20:58

I'm glad I'm not step mum to flossys Dc that's for sure.

I'm mortified that some people expect step parents to pay for their step kids. The buck stops with bio mum and dad.

All the exw in this scenario seems interested in is money. It's a shame that first wives few labelled as nasty money grabbing jealous witches who use heir Dc as pawns, sadly the exw has acted exactly like this in this case.

The likes of flossy seem to get all defensive and retaliate by presuming that the step mum is also the stereotype of selfish and uncaring and forcing her dh not to be involved in his dc lives. None of which is how the op has come across.

JuicyStrawberry · 24/05/2017 20:58

BUT seen as we are playing top trumps the ex said words that will do no harm the the OPs child.

Actually it might due to causing the op distress. And I'm not having that it was a one off incident. You have to have form for it to say something disgusting like that and that nasty bitch boy does she have it. I think the op has more to come....

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 21:00

Peach green, I believe flossy and others are saying that they exw is a saint by excusing her behaviour to the op as her being upset and angry!

Dadkh · 24/05/2017 21:00

needsahalo completely see your POV but is the issue the money or the support for the children? If it's the support child should get from both parents including financially then surely with the Paternal parent out of work then providing some financial support although not maintenance I.e help with clothes, school trips, school dinners etc better than no help at all even if it comes from OP and OH's joint finances, instead of the OP paying maintenance

stitchglitched · 24/05/2017 21:01

I'm sure Flossy is pleased about that too. It doesn't really sound like your involvement in their life is has been positive.

AvoidingCallenetics · 24/05/2017 21:01

fatdogs your post shows no understanding of the fact that a sahp often enables a wohp to build a career and do all the work trips, after hours meetings etc that you often cannot get childcare to cover. The decision for one parent to sah often comes with a great deal of sacrifice for that parent - off course the money earned by wohp is half theirs.

I think cases like this are why sahp rights to half the family money should be enshrined in law - it would prevent men like IP's dh from ducking his obligations to his children!

While I do not defend what the exw said to you, keep in mind that the first she has heard about this is from her dc, when you are 26 weeks pg. Not having the decency to keep her informed is on your dh - I'm not surprised she flipped tbh.

As for posters saying the kids can go and live with dad etc, why should mum lose her dc because dad has unilaterally decided to make a stupid, selfish choice. I doubt she needs much childcare from him - kids are in school and old enough to be at home without her for a couple of hours, or maybe she has it covered with gps. Their dad sah is of no benefit to those kids. What they need is for their home to be paid for and food, y'know, the stuff that rps actually use cs for! And anyway, the sort of step mum who would cut off child support just because she legally can is probably not the sort to want a 15 and 12 year old full time anyway. Clearly she and her dh don't give a shit about them to even contemplate this.

If I was the exw, I'd see my shl about claiming his redundancy pay.

Dadkh · 24/05/2017 21:02

FlossyMooToo what do you mean by mansplanning?

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 21:03

My DC have a SM. They also have a father who not only shares residency but pays for their upbringing. Their SM treats the children with kindness and love. She was the OW but my DC like her so I got over it.
I am also a SM to my exes DC and even though i dplit with their dad 3 years ago I am very much a part of their life. See them monthly at least. Reason is I was never a bitch to them.

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