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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 19:34

OP has said later that if ex wife apologises for jumping the gun and her abuse she will, as originally planned, voluntarily take on her DH commitment

So they are holding the children ransom. They are choosing to abuse children financially all for a verbal apology.
Do you really think thats ok?

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 19:38

For the OP to do that yes. For her DH , no. So if he feels so strongly about it, he can get some kind of income. If he chooses to be a deadbeat dad, that's his lookout. I would be very wary if I was UP. But them again I would never have been on board with the idea of him SAY anyway.

Hellothereitsme · 24/05/2017 19:38

Sounds like the OP, ex wife and OPs partner are as bad as each other to be honest. Ex wife is the sensible one as she is now the ex and doesn't have to live with this man that doesn't want to support his children.

TinselTwins · 24/05/2017 19:39

'm sure that's how it's meant to be but in reality it doesn't put food on the table, it puts hair extensions and false nails on the ex partner!flame me all you like but we all know someone like that

AAAAAND there it is! Fathers only really need to financially parent kids whose mothers have zero disposable income themselves Hmm

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 19:43

Tins which bright spark man said that Shock

Hellothereitsme · 24/05/2017 19:45

Must rush and get my hair extensions done sod the kids tea or new shoes, or scout subs or trainers or school trip. I'm so selfish :-)

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 19:45

Fat ffs your arse must be covered in splinters Hmm

The OP is enabling her DP to be a shit dad. By agreeing he can be a SAHP she is advocating him not supporting all of his DC.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 19:47

If I were OP, ii would be very against the idea of DH being a SAHD for reasons stated above. Should all parents (mainly dads) support their children? Of course. Do a lot of them squirm out of it? Yes! Should they be allowed to? No! But is it goingbto change and is there anything we can do about it? No

For fucking hell's sake. Yes, we can change it. We can stop accepting it as a society as a whole. If everyone who knows a man (or woman) who actively seeks to deny their child a basic standard of living refused to be friends/made it clear what shits they are/ refused to have them as part of their family till they see sense / actively shunned such people/ refused to be in a relationship, it simply wouldn't happen.

Instead, we have posts about single mums and their nail extensions. All we are missing is the vodka.

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 19:47

Frankly the ex wife has behaved like a child and like a child she needs to know that actions have consequences, some of them unpleasant and requiring her to eat humble pie. If I was in ex wife position, I would have initiated a conversation with OP and her ex husband and explained and showed exactly how the maintainemce is spent on the children and where it would impact them negatively if cut. NOT because she needs to justify it but to show OP and ex husband that their decision has concrete impact. If they were any kind of decent people who never had any intention to shoetchange the children, she would have had het assurance then. If they ignored her concerns and told her tough luck, then she KNOWS the kind of people she is dealing with and there is no point pursuing them as previously stated, the law has given the SAHD a loophole to avoid payment. At THAT point she could have commenced her abuse and she would have been justified.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 19:53

No. No one should ever have to justify expenditure. Plenty of single parents are well enough off to give their children a decent standard of living -myself included. But that doesn't mean their father doesn't have to contribute. The children were a joint venture and he has a 50% share in how they are brought up but 0% responsibility in how that upbringing is managed financially. No. FFS JUST NO.

jajabonks · 24/05/2017 19:54

@fatdogs does she need to show all her bills elec water gas shopping when she buys clothes! She is entitled for the dad to pay maintenance is she not and doesn't need to show them anything - they know things cost money

Foslady · 24/05/2017 19:55

Well my xh's maintenance plays towards the food bill and keeping a roof over our heads.

No point putting hair extensions in or false nails, I'd rather be able to eat.Hmm

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 19:58

She does NOT need to justify it, I stated that. But to use it to initiate mature dialogue about what their plans are and how those plans affect the children. She chose to assume the worse and act in a despicable manner using her knowledge of OP's very painful vulnerabilities. She should not be surprised someone is striking back at her vulnerabilities.

Nanny0gg · 24/05/2017 19:58

But being a stay at home dad is a perfectly acceptable choice, means baby is in excellent care 24/7, as a family you don't have childcare nightmares to deal with etc but one of you is still earning and the bills are being paid.

Not if he already has children from a previous relationship it's not.

It means he's a feckless arse who needs to get out there and support the children he already has.

sobeyondthehills · 24/05/2017 19:58

OP

I was one of the few people who said that your DH was getting a kicking and your post was a knee jerk reaction to the very vile thing she said.

However, having read your updates. I take it back, especially as your DH is supporting you in not paying any money to his children.

The ex-wife was vile, you dont take anything out on the children for the sins of the parents.

Your DH eiither needs to stand up for his children or get his arse in gear and go and get a job to support his three children and all three of the adults need to stop being dickheads and grow up

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 20:01

Fat dogs posts nail my thoughts entirely. The exw goes around verbally attacking people and expects a payout. What a joke. If the exw is that concerned for her dc then she needs to find a way to support her dc without relying on her seemingly dead beat exh. Verbally abusing his new wife is cowardly.

She'd have to cope if her exh dropped down dead. With kids of that age there would be no reason for her not to be able to provide for her own kids.

I wouldn't dream of expecting any partner of my exh to pick up his children's costs. Especially if she had her own dc.

I love that certain posters on here are defending the exw 's behaviour due to her being scarred and angry. Yet the op's behaviour is being slated. Maybe the op's threats to not pay any money is because she is angry at the entitled exw and maybe she is scared that she will lose her baby and then some nasty piece of work tells her that's what will happen.

The exw clearly doesn't give a shit about her dc.

MsPavlichenko · 24/05/2017 20:03

am sure that's how it's meant to be but in reality it doesn't put food on the table, it puts hair extensions and false nails on the ex partner!flame me all you like but we all know someone like that.

I do not know anybody like that, and I am in my fifties. Sadly I know many women whose ex partners have not provided the financial and other support to their DC.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 20:03

But to use it to initiate mature dialogue about what their plans are and how those plans affect the children

And as I said, the lack of maintenance may not be an issue at all. I manage my household perfectly well without my ex. No poverty here. If he looked at my healthy savings there would be no reason to support our children because I already do that.

But that doesn't mean he shouldn't support them, does it?

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 20:04

DH is probably supporting OP because if he doesn't, he.might not be able to sit on his are at home and he would have to actually work to support his kids. This is a perfect set up for him. Cushy lazing at home and new wife meeting all financial responsibilities. Wouldn't work with me but that's a choice /risk OP has assumed.
OP has no obligation to ex wife end of. Ex wife can redeem situation by apologising as she well should for reacting in a stupid manner.

BrightonBelleCat · 24/05/2017 20:05

Hair extensions and false nails. I have false nails but that comes out of my own money not the few pennies that my exh throws at me every now and again.

But thanks.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 20:06

LOL BrightonBelle, you really need to get yourself a sackcloth and some ashes.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 20:08

Too bloody right the exw should apologise. The kids need to be taught some kind of accountability from somewhere. Or they will end up abusive and entitled like their mother.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 20:12

Have a word with yourself Mrss

The payout is because they have children together.

The if he was dead how would she cope argument is pointless and shows how desperate you are.

He is not dead.
He is fully able to work and pay for his children.
He us choosing not to and the OP is enabling him.

GloriaGilbert · 24/05/2017 20:12

Tough time you've had here OP, of course men should be free to walk away from their old family and start a new one unfettered by child support.

thistlewine · 24/05/2017 20:12

God this thread is so depressing. So many assumptions that the ex doesn't work and I was wondering how long it would take for someone to mention hair extentions.
Most of the single mothers I know work full time and can afford to have the odd treat and god forbid a night out, does that mean the father shouldn't pay towards the kids he helped make?
This country is a disgrace when it comes to child support, most nrp don't pay any or enough maintenance, figures on the gingerbread website for the ghastly deadbeat apologists on this thread.