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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
TinselTwins · 24/05/2017 18:37

While I'm not absolutely sure about the legalities I'd assume if he is a stay at home patent, therefore not earning a salary then he surely cannot be expected to give his ex wife CM as he will have no income.

He WILL have an income! Him being a SAHP will save a huge proportion of HIS household's income by cutting outgoings dramatically!

Legally he may not have an income, but come on..

steff13 · 24/05/2017 18:38

If the dad died would people expect his wife to carry on his maintenance payments?

I would expect the father (or mother!) to have life insurance in place to support his children should he pass away. My husband and I each have $500K in place for this.

Here a minor child can draw from a deceased parent's Social Security, as well, based on whatever the parent paid in while he/she was working.

caffeinestream · 24/05/2017 18:39

Also OP ignore those naysayers you have to do what is best for your family and having a stay at home patent if you can is great for babies/children.

Yeah, fuck the other children, they can live off air Hmm

Underthemoonlight · 24/05/2017 18:39

What on earth are you talking about grannytomine? People are talking about when men having a second family yet stop supporting the first family not having ago at the men for starting a second family in general (Btw ex has a child with his DW there's no issues and he pays maintenance regularly and shared costs for activities and school dinners my post was a positive one about ex doing his bit for his DS but you took the opportunity to bring other DC to highlight something that wasn't even relevant.

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 18:40

God this is depressing. This is why my ex doesn't need to pay maintenance. It is absolutely 100% socially acceptable to abandon your children. I can't get my head around it. I know these attitudes exist but on a website full of women -mothers- you would hope sense would prevail. Morals, decency, ability to rationalise are what set us a part from animals. Seems evolution gave mumsnet a miss.

JuicyStrawberry · 24/05/2017 18:41

i don't think that the Op should bail her dp out of he chooses not to support his dc from his first marriage. yes, this makes him a bit of a deadbeat, but OP shouldn't have to pay for it. She will have her own dc to support and that should be her main concern

Totally agree with this. Him being a deadbeat isn't for the op to rectify. He is fully capable of looking for work and going to work and is choosing not to, and that is all his doing. He has no place being a "sahp" when he has existing children to financially support. The op shouldn't have to bail him out financially!

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 24/05/2017 18:42

So he thinks if he doesn't work he doesn't have to pay 🤔

I'd be stuffed if my ex stopped paying, so she's probably panicking.

No excuse for her shitty comments though.

I do think you should continue to pay though.

stitchglitched · 24/05/2017 18:44

'Being a stay at home dad is a perfectly acceptable choice ....one of you is earning and the bills are being paid.'

Isn't child maintenance a bill that needs to be paid then? I would argue it was the most important financial responsibility. No doubt it gets bumped below Sky TV in some of the godawful mindsets on this thread.

TinselTwins · 24/05/2017 18:45

Totally agree with this. Him being a deadbeat isn't for the op to rectify. The OP is directly financially benefitting from his decision to quit work to support her and cut out their childcare costs, and in turn quit paying maintenance

she is complicit in this, not a bystander being asked to contribute to something that's nothing to do with her

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 18:45

Needs you are right it is depressing.

Heres to another generation of men who think raising kids is womens work Hmm The mothers on this thread who are agreeing with the OP should be ashamed.

Hellothereitsme · 24/05/2017 18:46

I think he should get a job and pay child maintenance for his children. You cannot just opt out of being a parent. I would go ballistic if my ex did this to me too. I'm sorry but he should work.

stitchglitched · 24/05/2017 18:48

'The OP shouldn't have to bail him out financially.'

If he had quit his job because he was a lazy arse you'd have a point. They have made a joint decision for him to be a SAHD, which is also of benefit to the OP.

TinselTwins · 24/05/2017 18:48

How many hours do you work anyway?

Can't he stay home during your working hours to cover childcare then gt an evening job? taxi driver,delivery driver, security, healthcare?

caffeinestream · 24/05/2017 18:50

OP should tell him to do the right thing and support his children - by allowing him to quit work and SAH she is saying it's okay that he doesn't give his kids any financial support.

I don't understand how any parent can sit here and say it's okay to quit work and stop supporting your existing children Hmm

Your financial obligations to your children don't end just because you've had a new baby, ffs. It's not a get-out-clause!

CatsDogsandDC · 24/05/2017 18:51

I also think OPs DH should get a job for two very good reasons : 1. why should OP subsidise her DH children? They are his, not hers. 2. I have seen people try the SAHD thing several times and it has not worked once. Generally the SAHD started an affair with OW. OP then runs the risk of ending up paying maintenance to her DH and having him be resident parent if they subsequently split

Willyoujustbequiet · 24/05/2017 18:52

This thread disgusts me. A few posters are utter bitches that see nothing wrong with child abandonment and encouraging their deadbeat partners to make their own children suffer.

All of you who see nothing wrong with withholding maintenance in such circumstances here have a Biscuit

I feel pity for your own children with role models like that.

bimbobaggins · 24/05/2017 18:52

On just about every thread you see the term " family money" is used. Surely the same should apply in this case and the maintenance for your husbands first children should come from family money .

Hellothereitsme · 24/05/2017 18:56

I cannot believe the number of women saying he doesn't have to pay CM. You are all so smug. Wait until it happens to you where your ex pays nothing towards your children. It is shit. It is stressful. Karma.

Thankfully my ex pays more than the CM says because ultimately he is a decent person who takes responsibility for his kids. Thankfully his new partner is also decent in that even though they have a new baby she has gone back to work because they both have bills and responsibility. By the way I also work full time before it is assumed that I'm sat at home taking it in.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 18:56

Cats the OW is usually a mum on the school run or play group. I have seen too many threads in relationships to think you are being over dramatic...sadly.

TinselTwins · 24/05/2017 18:57

why should OP subsidise her DH children? They are his, not hers.

She isn't if he keeps working
If he quits working to benfit her and her child, then some of that benefit needs to be held back for his existing responsibilities.

If I took out a car loan, then quit work because it benefited the household to save on childcare, family money (via DHs salary but also bolstered by me cutting down family childcare expenses) would continue to pay that car loan off…. so why not honour his existing commitments to ACTUAL HUMANS WHO ARE HIS CHILDREN when calculating whether or not he is best off being a SAHD?

needsahalo · 24/05/2017 18:57

I think it's only 'family money' if men earn it. Women's earnings belong to them Confused

paddlenorapaddle · 24/05/2017 18:58

I don't agree the op should pay but it should be against the law to not pay for your own children to a reason standard of living. That's the problem your dp doesn't sound like a keeper

bimbobaggins · 24/05/2017 18:59

Well said *hello" , the op won't be so smug when he ditches her and dc to move onto the next one.

sarahastiven · 24/05/2017 18:59

Also OP if she wished on me what she wished on you I'd struggle to ever be civil to her again. That is the most repulsive thing in the world you can ever wish in a pregnant woman. And even more so after you have suffered such a heart breaking loss in the past. I hope you have a very healthy rest of pregnancy and get a healthy happy baby at the end of it.
YANBU not at all!

fatdogs · 24/05/2017 19:01

The OP is NOT encouraging her DH to be a SAHD to shirk his responsibilities. the child maintainemce was a moral responsibility the OP was prepared to take on until ex wife showed her colours. What's the message being sent here? Second wives/partners can just be punching bags of the ex spouse with no consequences? Just because she can use her children as a shield and guilt trip the OP into putting up with het bad behaviour? Ex wife started it so she can be adult enough to finish it if she cares so much about protecting het children.

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