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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 16:20

Your mum may have been controlling but your dad did not care if you his child had food or a roof over your head. You had to shit parents and thats very sad.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 16:23

Bit like the OP's sc really - a dad that doesn't want to pay and a mum who thinks the step mum should pay. sad.

Yet the sm / op gets the bashing.

Kursk · 24/05/2017 16:25

FlossyMooToo

He knew we were ok, mum shipped us off to boarding school.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 16:27

The OP s bashing is because she has admitted she no longer wants to pay cm (she had agreed to) because the mum said horrid WORDS. She is admitting that her dsdc can go without by way of revenge against the mum.
It is nothing to do with posters demanding she pay but that she agreed to but now wont out of spite.

Pallisers · 24/05/2017 16:27

He knew we were ok, mum shipped us off to boarding school.

You mean he knew you were ok because your mum would pay for everything. Glad you don't blame him. I get the impression you do blame your mum though which is interesting. Did she ship you off to boarding school so she could work so so she could spend time with a new family?

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 16:28

Kursk he didnt care did he. He was happy for your mum to do all the financial support and could not careless. He is not a good dad. I know you are probably unable to see it and its not my place to force the issue but really ge is not a good father.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 16:32

FlossyMooToo - Op probably thinks why on earth should she pay when clearly the dc's mother is an unreasonable loon. The exw presumed the Op would pay, which was wrong. She's rubbed the OP up the wrong way and will now pay the price for it. i suspect this was the final straw for the OP, i suspect that there is probably a big old backstory as to what has driven the Op to day fuck you to the exw.

I'm not saying this is right, or fair. but it is probably totally justified. the OP is putting the needs of her own dc first.

Oldbutstillgotit · 24/05/2017 16:34

OP you give us second wives a bad name !!

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 16:36

Mrs please dont use loon as an insult.
The mum is not crazy or a loon she is upset and probably very worried let alone angry. That does not excuse her hurtful comments but does not make her a loon.

The OP is justified in gleefully depriving her step children of money to feed clothe and house them. Really?

Very strange outlook you have where punishing children for their parents actions is ok. Hmm

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 16:44

i wasn't insulting the exw, i was stating a fact - she was acting like a loon ( I don't mean to offend but i think wishing a unborn child dead is quite lunatic behaviour). i don't think her attitude was useful or constructive or fair.

I don't get the vibe that the OP is gleeful. She sounds pissed off and hurt and angry at being verbally attacked. And its not her that is depriving the kids money, its her dh! Its not her job to put those kids first, its her dh's and his ex

Kursk · 24/05/2017 16:46

Pallisers, FlossyMooToo

She got married again a couple of times, but no nes family. She sent us to boarding school as she wanted us to have a good education.

I know they could have both been better parents, but I have always felt close to my dad.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 16:47

She took on that financial responsibility when they decided he would stay at home and not earn. She then changed her mind because the ex was mean. The OP needs to get her gead out of her arse and realise cm is for the children and find some other way of punishing the ex but not through the children.

Oh and your use of the word loon is insulting as you are basically saying people with MH say horrible things about babies.

JuicyStrawberry · 24/05/2017 16:54

and no, i would under no circumstances pay my dh's maintenance for him. I have my own dc to support

I agree with this. Just say your husband lost his job or couldn't work due to ill health, you have every right to ensure that you focus on supporting your children and your stepchildren when they are with you. I don't see how it would be fair that your stepchildren have all their mum's income, plus payments from you and your children get whatever is left of your wage. Dad wouldn't be working therefore is bringing in no income, so in that situation both mums need to focus on their own children (plus stepchildren when they are with you) and carry on with what money they do have. If the dad died would people expect his wife to carry on his maintenance payments?

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 16:55

'Oh and your use of the word loon is insulting as you are basically saying people with MH say horrible things about babies.'

  • no, i am saying that people who say things like that must be derranged in some way.

i would use the word lunatic for someone who was clearly acting crazy in a nasty way. not all people with MH issues are nasty. I would say that in this situation the exw is clearly mentally unwell and acting in an aggressive and unstable way.

BrightonBelleCat · 24/05/2017 16:56

My dp has two children. One lives with us, the other lives with his mother.

We pay for one child in his entirety and also pay maintenance for the child that lives with his mother.

She does not pay for the son that lives with us. You would think that us having one child and her having the other would
Mean maintenance cancels itself out. Not according to the court and my dp is happy to pay for his son. Because it's his son!

I watch him in awe as I'm more likely to ride a fucking unicorn than I am to her regular maintenance off my exhaust

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 16:59

'If the dad died would people expect his wife to carry on his maintenance payments?' - probably on mumsnet, yes.

Both sets of children should be a priority. the dad is stuck in the middle. he has seemingly chosen to support his second family over his first. i don't see how this is the OP's fault. She is going to want what is best for her and her dc, same as the exw.

The OP is being no more selfish than the exw!

JuicyStrawberry · 24/05/2017 17:06

I still think the op's refusal to pay should be her husband's cue to find a job. If he doesn't then the one in the wrong is him not the op. He's the one who is not providing for his kids, not the op.

ChrisLowesSunglasses · 24/05/2017 17:16

All the ex has to do is apologise. Just some words. No big deal, especially as she was the one in the wrong and caused the situation in the first place by taking the word of children as a basis to say some really vile things rather than just find out the facts first. If she's too stubborn and nasty to put her kids first then she is equally responsible if they go without.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 17:26

I would say that in this situation the exw is clearly mentally unwell and acting in an aggressive and unstable way.

Qualified to say that are you?
Know the ex well?

Maybe just maybe anger and fear drove her to say what she did. Maybe the cm payments are what keeps a roof over her childrens head.

You used the word loon as a mental health insult that try and justify it my diagnosing the ex wife. Wow.

Chris the ex may well have apologised once she had calmed down but wonder dad got on the phone and threatened her using the cm he should be paying as the threat would you be calm and apologise?

He and the OP are now financially abusing this family. They are holding the power of money the ex needs over her.
Sick and twisted much more so than the exes hurtful words.

HildaOg · 24/05/2017 17:27

The ex should only apologise when the op and her husband apologise for threatening to withdraw maintenance, hold her completely responsible for funding the kids potentially plunging her and the kids into poverty. Her behaviour was a reaction to that. If they apologise first and guarantee the continuation of maintenance then she should apologise but not until then.

Her children and their quality of life are under very real attack by deadbeat dad and his wife.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 24/05/2017 17:35

Has this thread been linked to on some kind of Evil Stepmother site? Can't understand why the last few pages feature people bending themselves into pretzels to defend the OP...

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 17:35

My friend is currently in a physically abusive relationship and she wont leave. Reason is her partner has a financial hold over her and her pregnant adult DD.

It is shocking what mothers will put up with to ensure their children are financially safe so I can see why the ex saw red and flew off the handle.

Everyone is saying the OP should look out for her own yet when the ex does that she is called a loon Hmm

Craigie · 24/05/2017 17:37

You are not giving her anything. The maintenance is for his equally important children from his first marriage. I imagine his first wife is ENOURMOISLY stressed at the idea that your new baby has resulted in a downgrading of their children in your husband's priorities, and a potentially disastrous reduction in their income. What she said is hateful, but I can entirely understand the sentiment. Ditching first families is all to common, don't allow your husband to become a cliche.

Maireadplastic · 24/05/2017 17:40

They are his children. I couldn't stay with a person who abandoned his children.

I'd also be very concerned about mine and our children's future if he does this. He now has form.

grannytomine · 24/05/2017 17:47

Underthemoonlight, and yet on here people are saying men going on to have more kids isn't right and please don't say that is just if they don't pay maintenance, it has been said several times. It just seems like women are allowed to move on but the ex husband/partner has to put his life on hold for up to 18 years.

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