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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
GaelicSiog · 24/05/2017 14:56

That isn't what I said neon. I was referring to the posters who believe the mother should pick up extra shifts to facilitate the father being SAH for another family. for all we know she already works full time.

witsender · 24/05/2017 14:58

He would be making a contribution if he lived with them as a Sahp. Otherwise, not so much.

Spice22 · 24/05/2017 14:59

Fliptop it would actually be "I've decided to be a SAHM for a 15 year old, 12 year old and a new born baby" . Either way if DH was being an arse about it then I'd have to go to work because you need your partners support. In this scenario, the DH does have his partners support - his ex wife has no say in that.

Gaelic I'm not a fan of anyone. If the ex wife had written her side, I'd have responded with what I would do in her shoes. Anyway, OP, do let us know what you decide to do and whether or not she apologises.

witsender · 24/05/2017 15:00

How can you be a Sahp when you are not in the same home as them?

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 15:07

How can you be a Sahp when you are not in the same home as them?

Is Spices world it doesnt matter whos home you are living in a 1 hour contribution to parenting for 1 child replaces any financially support. Hmm

grannytomine · 24/05/2017 15:11

My ex was made redundant and informed me he was stopping maintenance. When I told him my DH was also out of work and me on mat leave he found a way to pay the money so our DS was still looked after. I don't know where or who gave him the money maybe his DW but that didn't matter because he ensured I got it. If you were going to continue to pay maintenance why did you tell her about the change? So it is OK for women to have new relationships and more children but if a man does that he is unreasonable. Will you have as much money for your children with your ex now you are going to have another child?

One rule for women and another for men.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 15:23

NotISaidTheWalrus - my dc do not have a step parent, but if they did I would not expect her to support them if my exh decided that he wouldn't work or if he couldn't work (through illness or redundancy). why would I?

And yes, i do have 'step children', kind of. i barely have a relationship with them due to their mother, and no, i would under no circumstances pay my dh's maintenance for him. I have my own dc to support.

CrazedZombie · 24/05/2017 15:24

If the dad was sahp to all kids then he'd be cooking, driving them round, cleaning...
We don't know often he sees his older kids but even in a 50/50 arrangement that's 3 or 4 days tops. (Plus they are at school 38 weeks a year for minimum 6 hours a day)

Pallisers · 24/05/2017 15:24

*I disagree - OP is putting the needs of her dc first. its not her responsibility to provide for her dp's dc, thats his. Its his choice.

Yes she is supporting that decision because its probably best for her and her dc. Its her job to put her dc first. her dp is letting his dc down, he is a grown up and can make that choice himself.*

Who wants to live in a world like that. Every man for himself. Me first. Dog eat dog. It is like the Trumpian economics version of relationships. How depressing.

Fliptop it would actually be "I've decided to be a SAHM for a 15 year old, 12 year old and a new born baby" .

So the children get uprooted from their home and lives because he wants to be SAHD for the first time in 15 years. Hey maybe he could even get their mother to pay HIM maintenance. That would be cool. Win win for him and fuck the children.

Mind you I would love to see the OP's face if she was told the 2 teens were going to be part of their family full-time and they would be housing/feeding them/making them part of "our little family"

workingmumsarebad · 24/05/2017 15:25

Ah yes - if my EX had done this not sure how he would have provided childcare - he moved a 2 hr drive away!

So for me to do more work to pay for his new family would have meant I got up 4 hrs earlier every morning so I could drive them to his, for him to drive them to school back the same way for 2 hrs and then drive them back to his for 2 hrs,for me to pick them up and then drive them back for 2 hrs.
That would have in theory reduced my childcare costs, which he is maintenance partly covered but what a shit life for the DCS - 8 hrs in a car!

Oh but he could not get them to school on time because her DCs needed to get to school for 0830, the same time his DCS needed to be at school - 2 hrs away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of the suggestions on her are farcical!

He is responsible for providing for his DCs and the monies is not going to his EX - it is going to his DCs.

Kursk · 24/05/2017 15:32

As far as I know you do not have to pay, any Maintanance is between him and his ex.

My mum kicked my dad out, he never paid CM, despite her chasing him for it. He left the country and started a new family I only saw him occasionally. My mum never forgave him for not paying CM and would always reminds us of that.

She and I had a massive argument when I told her I was moving to the country that my dad is living in, she took it to be the ultimate betrayal. Where as I saw whatever happened between my them as having nothing to do with me.

So my point is that he may not damage his relationship with his kids.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 24/05/2017 15:34

And yes, i do have 'step children', kind of. i barely have a relationship with them due to their mother, and no, i would under no circumstances pay my dh's maintenance for him. I have my own dc to support

Yeah, always the mothers fault, isn't it?
Would you encourage your husband to stop paying and stay at home with your children?

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 15:36

Your poor mum kursk.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 15:37

'So my point is that he may not damage his relationship with his kids.'

if there is any back story to this post, which i suspect there is, the damage done to the dc could be just as well be doen by the exw / dc's mum. Going ape shit and saying those things to the OP about miscarrying doesn't suggest she gives much of a shit about her dc's well being.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 15:39

NotISaidTheWalrus - 'Yeah, always the mothers fault, isn't it?'

In my situation yes, not in every situation though, but its not always the step parents fault either.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 15:43

'Would you encourage your husband to stop paying and stay at home with your children?'

No way would. i would expect my dh to pay for his dc as he should, but i didn't read it that the OP had encouraged her dh to do this. i don't see that the Op is to blame in any way. She doesn't want to support his dc, he is already supporting their dc together by being a sahp, its his choice whether to support his dc with his ex, not hers.

If my dh wanted to give up work to be a sahp, then I would lay out the expectation that he should provide for his dc and that i would not be supporting them and that way he would have an informed choice as to what he did.

Fliptophead · 24/05/2017 15:43

No Spicey she wouldn't say that as she hasn't got a newborn. She's basically subsidising one. Which is ironic considering all the posters acting like she should be so grateful for maintenance. She's subsiding the op's lifestyle and her work allowing her a sahp

Fliptophead · 24/05/2017 15:49

This whole discussion is pointless really as the op's husband will not be a sahp.

If he had taken proper care of the children in first place there probably would be 50/50 custody in place already. He clearly doesn't give a shit about children he has or little things like food or rent.

Op will come home to a house like a shit tip and a feral baby for a year and he'll be ousted back in to the world of the employed

NotISaidTheWalrus · 24/05/2017 15:54

.but i didn't read it that the OP had encouraged her dh to do this. i don't see that the Op is to blame in any way

You read it wrong then, which is why you think that. She is to blame though.

steff13 · 24/05/2017 15:58

I'm actually surprised this is legal. It wouldn't be here. In Ohio, not paying your child support is a felony.

The father could choose to be a SAHD if he wanted to, but that would not negate his legal obligation to pay child support. If he lost his job, as in this case, it might be reduced, because the obligation would be would be adjusted to be based on working FT at a minimum wage job, but the obligation wouldn't be terminated. If he didn't lose his job, and just quit to stay home with the baby, they wouldn't adjust the obligation, and if he didn't pay he could lose his driver's license and eventually go jail.

Gottagetmoving · 24/05/2017 16:05

Some people have a very strange view on CM.
My ex stopped paying maintenance because he had to buy his new wife a car when her old one broke down. He said she needed the car to get to work and suggested I claim some benefits because he reckoned 'He he done enough in the past few year's. Shock
He didn't get away with it.

steff13 · 24/05/2017 16:05

Just to add - judges don't like to sentence the absent parent to prison for failure to pay, because sending the custodial parent 25% of the absent parent's $1 per hour prison job isn't really helping anyone. But, if they are serial non-payers, they will go to jail and eventually prison.

Kursk · 24/05/2017 16:07

FlossyMooToo

She is a very controlling person, I didn't get on that well with her, and I value relationships over money.

steff13 · 24/05/2017 16:10

So it is OK for women to have new relationships and more children but if a man does that he is unreasonable. Will you have as much money for your children with your ex now you are going to have another child?

Actually, I think an absent parent paying less for his non-custodial children because he has a new child would be more like the custodial mother demanding more support for her children from their absent parent because she had a new baby, and now has less money to go around.

Frankly, I don't believe any new children should be considered in a child support calculation. When you're a couple, you decide together how many children you can comfortably support. When you're not together, and one partner has a new family, the former partner has no say in that decision. The children from the first family shouldn't be penalized because of the absent parent's new lifestyle choices.

Underthemoonlight · 24/05/2017 16:10

grannytomineWhat on earth are you on about? What has my other dc got to do with it? My ex was paying maintenance for the child we share together not my DC with my DH. The point of the matter was he ensured DS didn't go without his contribution which was very much needed at the time because he's a decent parent and that's what you do for your children. I can ensure you he is provided by myself dh and his DF.