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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:

MadamePomfrey · 23/05/2017 22:46

I can understand your anger at what was said about you and your history, it was nasty and unforgivable.

I can also see that she may be panicking right now about feeding her children keeping a roof over their heads and many other things!! It doesn't excuse what she said but it must be so scary to have the thought of money you rely on being taken away! (As you never spoke to her she has no idea of your plans!)

But honestly neither is relevant to your Dp supporting his children!! They are his he as a responsibllity to them!! That means when planning changes to job income ect he needs to take that into account! They are children they need him that is all that matters!!

Sort out the adult issues between the adults! Don't involve the children and definitely don't punish them!

SpareASquare · 23/05/2017 22:54

Well dh spoke to her tonight and explained that if she apologises for the horrible and unnecessary m/c comment then everything will continue as normal re maintainance

And if she doesn't OP?

What horrible, horrible people you are. Clearly, you are no better than your deadbeat partner. Those poor children. All of them

CrazedZombie · 23/05/2017 22:59

Is he going to apologise that she found out that he was becoming a SAHD through the kids and not him? Of course she was going to flip out after hearing half the story. My ex pulls this stunt and the kid ds suffer because they feel bad I'm stressed and also don't want me questioning them to see if I can get more details from them.

What she said was disgusting.

Making child maintenance conditional is also disgusting.

kittybiscuits · 23/05/2017 23:01

Don't you think you had better wait and see if he is the fucking shit Dad he looks like on this thread before deciding to leave your baby with him?

Fliptophead · 23/05/2017 23:03

Will it be you or your husband who tells the children why you're punishing them for their mothers words

kittybiscuits · 23/05/2017 23:03

Also good luck to you if you separate and he ends up as resident parent and you're paying him maintenance because he seems very grabby.

workingmumsarebad · 23/05/2017 23:04

She was wrong to say what she did.

However, you have known for 26 weeks you are pregnant, there must have been some idea of childcare arrangements and what was going to happen - so with roughly 14 weeks notice - your DP drops the bombshell - he is being made redundant ( his payout will be required for maintenance) and he is going to not work, not receive benefits because you work and she is not getting any monies.
I would go apeshit.

Bet he did not tell her that you were going to continue paying it - just to see her reaction. Or if you told her and did not mention the monies - then you are both wrong.

So many fathers are feckless and refuse to pay for their children to be brought up- but to say my new DC will get all the attention and we will be fine because DP is still working - you will have to suck it up - is quite frankly abominable, immoral behaviour from you both. You obviously knew what this would mean and did not consider 2 other children in your blended family.

NotISaidTheWalrus · 23/05/2017 23:04

they already know, that is how the mother found out!

fatdogs · 23/05/2017 23:09

Anyone halfway decent and sensible would ring up their ex to have a civilised discussion about money after hearing about the SAHD decision from the kids. I do believe from the OP's post that the relationship between ex wife and her DH was sufficiently civil enough for that to happen. What should not happen is for ex wife to fly off the handle and abuse OP without clarifying the situation and wish a miscarriage on her, especially if she had know about OP's previous miscarriage. That was deliberately calculated to distress and hurt the UP and possibly even curse her if you believe in that sort of woo stuff.
I don't buy the justification of lashing out in fear or worry. Why not have a conversation with her ex H before lashing out? Why pounce right on the OP? Her first thought was about money and blaming the OP and viewing the OP's baby as a threat. Vile money grubbing woman. I too would demand an apology before she gets a cent of my money. She is lucky the OP is willing to hold out an olive branch and allow her a way to redeem the situation and get her maintainemce continued. For some people, words like that are enough for all ties to be cut forever and as pointed out by pp, DH is well within his legal rights to stop payment due to being unemployed.

Pallisers · 23/05/2017 23:21

Well dh spoke to her tonight and explained that if she apologises for the horrible and unnecessary m/c comment then everything will continue as normal re maintainance

God, after that, I think I'd nearly go on the street than take money from him if I were his ex.

If she doesn't apologise (and for what it's worth, I think she should), will you be explaining to the children why their dad is no longer supporting them?

C0untDucku1a · 23/05/2017 23:27

fatcogs the op was 26 weeks pregnant when her stepchildren informed their mother that their father was going to quit work. 26 weeks. 26. was leaving the children to inform their mother of his choice to be unemployed and no longer contribute financially to their upkeep either halfway decent or sensible? Why not hVe a conversation with his ex about plans that directly and negatively, and maybe even significantly, impact on her life and the lives of his children?

usernamealreadytaken · 23/05/2017 23:33

Count in what way is being made redundant a choice?

fatdogs · 23/05/2017 23:36

Considering the OP had a still birth at 27 weeks pregnant previously, they may have wanted to be very sure of things but I am just guessing. Whatever their reasons, there is no need to lash out on the OP. Call her ex husband names if she likes but why drag the OP into it? Interesting how she attacks the OP who legally has no obligations to her but then immediately insists that the OP has to give her maintainemce since she will be working.
And for pp who have said that they would at a DHL to go after money from the OP if they were in the ex wife's position, get your head out of the clouds. Not a snowball's chance in hell and the last thing you should be thinking of if desperate for money is wasting legal fees on a claim to nothing.

fatdogs · 23/05/2017 23:37

get a SHL

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2017 23:41

I suppose you mean he/you will pay the maintenance until next time she upsets you? Then his kids miss out again. 1. Shit dad and you are having a baby with him, 2. Those older kids are going to resent your baby enormously and it sounds like that is 100% your andyour dhs fault. I don't know if people on this thread could be any more clear. She said something very hurtful, he still needs to contribute to his kids.

C0untDucku1a · 23/05/2017 23:44

username in the way that they have chosen for him to not look for another job and instead remain unemployed. So the choice is them choosing for him not to work in future.

How is that not a choice?!

KindleBueno · 23/05/2017 23:50

Jesus. I'm not even a parent and can see how out of order you and your partner are

CrazedZombie · 24/05/2017 00:25

The dad should have told the stepkids and ex over the same weekend.

The ex is justified to be pissed off as she found out via the kids that her maintenance would legally become virtually zero. Why wouldn't she be concerned about money? If her maintenance was going to be unchanged then why didn't the dad tell her after the stepkids found out? If maintenance was changing then it would help her to have time to adjust her household budget. Becoming a SAHD is a well-known way to get out of paying maintenance. She was not unreasonable to jump to that conclusion when she heard from the kids rather than the ex.

What ex said was horrible. I can understand why OP wouldn't want to speak to the ex after that. The dad should be doing the communicating with ex and keeping comments like that away from her.

It's a good job that it's OP going back to work rather than her partner.

Quartz2208 · 24/05/2017 08:18

I'm sorry for your loss. But punishing the children for her behaviour is not on. Your dh is placing conditions on how he supports his children ( who have done nothing wrong) on her behaviour is all kinds of wrong. How can you not see that.

Her behaviour has to beaddressed yes but between the adults, contact between you minimised but not the children affected

sunnyday3 · 24/05/2017 08:22

For all those saying he is a shit father for not supporting his children. Are we assuming that any mother who doesn't financially support her children is a shit mother?

Surely it's down to both parents to financially, emotionally and practically support the children?

neonrainbow · 24/05/2017 08:26

If the husband is a shit father then the ex is a shit mother for blowing this situation up and saying some unforgivable things to her children's stepmother. She can hardly be lauded for putting her kids first can she? As a decent mother, surely she would try to maintain a good co parenting relationship.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 08:35

Nobody is saying the ex has covered herself in glory. However dad is cutting his children off financially in favour of being a SAHP for his other child. What are his first children getting from all this?

He is also being very controlling with money as is the OP.
Bend to our will do what we say or your children will suffer

neonrainbow · 24/05/2017 08:38

Well the ex will have to apologise then won't she. As any reasonable person would do once they realised that they had wished a miscarriage on someone. No sympathy at all. She's fucked this up herself. If she doesn't apologise then its her who is screwing her kids over.

WillowWeeping · 24/05/2017 08:44

*For all those saying he is a shit father for not supporting his children. Are we assuming that any mother who doesn't financially support her children is a shit mother?

If she has declined to continue in paid employment and is not the primary carer then absolutely she is a shit parent.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 08:57

No neon she doesnt have to apologise. Most people would but she does not have to. The dad has made the situation impossible by being finacially abusive and threatening her with money. It is not going to make the ex think differently is it?

Are you really advocating punishing children for their parents verbal insult?
Thats pretty twisted tbh.

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