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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsc, new baby and maintenance

783 replies

Gildolann · 22/05/2017 22:52

NC for this just in case!
DH has 2 dc, dss 15 and dsd 12. He currently pays cm to his ex wife.
I am 26 weeks pregnant and DH has been made redundant, so we have decided that I will go back to work full time and DH will be a SAHD, all going well with the birth, my post natal health etc etc.
DH ex wife has gone absolutely mental when she found this out, texting DH that i will still have to give her money every month. Saying her dc are more important than our unborn dc and how I will probably miscarriage again anyway and now I don't want to give her anything. I was going to continue the maintainance arrangement as normal but she has fucked that.

OP posts:
jajabonks · 24/05/2017 09:05

Just wondering how you'd feel if this was the other way and he decided he wasn't going to paying for your child anymore. Yes what their mum said was shit but to suddenly stop paying is awful and if my dp had any other dc before ours I don't think I could be with someone who didn't want to pay for their children - that is coming from a parent who's ex dp paid f**k all for dc (now nearly 20)

neonrainbow · 24/05/2017 09:16

Well im not a cunt so i wouldn't have said what she said. If you're going to act like that you'll have to accept the natural consequences.

lifesjoys · 24/05/2017 09:18

Or put it in a fund for the kids as and when they need it.

This is absolute fucking bullshit!
The money is to pay for the living costs of the child which includes rent, water, food, electric, gas, petrol!!

The money isn't the child's, it's the mothers to pay towards the costs of raising the fucking child!!

When people give the crap of "put it in an account for the child" it pisses me off.....who's paying for the child to live whilst you put the money in an account for the child to benefit from??

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 09:50

So potentially putting children in poverty is a natural consequence? What kind of messed up world do you live in neon?

The exes words have no physical ramifications. While horrid her words will not cause the OP to lose her child. Yet you feel it is perefecty reasonable that the children should be punished financially which could lead to hunger, lack if heat and homelessness.

Are you 12?
I ask because having such a disproportionate view is a very childlike way of thinking.

Fliptophead · 24/05/2017 10:29

Are we assuming that any mother who doesn't financially support her children is a shit mother?

Any mother who isn't a stay at home parent of those children? Yes, yes I would assume that if you don't look after your kids or pay for them that you're a massive dick.

OP this will blow up in your face. She used words, you're punishing actual real children. I can't imagine planning to leave my baby with a grown man who would stop taking care of his own children. That's just such an incredibly fucking stupid thing to do. Although I can see why you wouldn't want to become financially reliable on him..

Your husband will soon see that if he isn't happy to take care of his children his ex has no reason to facilitate him seeing them. They will be old enough to refuse to see him soon and I'm sure that's exactly what they will do. She's also free to move now really as they don't need to stay near their dad if the opportunity arises.

Fliptophead · 24/05/2017 10:30

ell im not a cunt so i wouldn't have said what she said. If you're going to act like that you'll have to accept the natural consequences.

CHildren will be accepting those consequences. Children who said nothing.Children who may have been excited to have a new sibling. A cunt would not feed a child to punish its mother.

Hissy · 24/05/2017 11:05

Your H is awful OP, he can't go SAHD because he has responsibilities, he's asking you to pay his way, and you have to eat shit to do it.

I sympathise with you, those comments of hers were outrageous, but perhaps she is scared. It's no excuse, but perhaps a reason she lashed out.

No, I would not pay for a DP kids, those are his responsibility, he is not in a position to make a decision like that.

Spice22 · 24/05/2017 11:09

Honestly I'd be proud of my husband standing up for me and our unborn child ! I'm sure they know that the children will be fed - I can't imagine they'd even entertain this if the children would be left in real poverty.
Also, if I was giving money to my husbands ex , damn right I'd expect her to treat me with respect. What happens if OPs husband decided to look for work but can't find any for a year?

iogo · 24/05/2017 11:24

Well aren't you a delight Spice22. You have no idea if these actions will leave the kids in real poverty or not. I paid my DHs maintenance when he was out of work and I fucking hate his ex (and she really is loaded). But I still paid it because it's the right thing to do.

So you'd be proud that he's happy to stop paying for his current children?

What a bellend.

Spice22 · 24/05/2017 11:33

iogo did you read my entire post? Maybe reread the part where I speak about poverty...

I'm not going to lie and pretend I would do something, just to look good on MN. If he became a SAHD then those benefits would be shared with his existing children. If I could afford to then I would buy them things and help where I can. If I can't afford to then I won't. Same goes for if my partner is trying to find work but struggling.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 11:37

Spice please explain how him being a SAHP for his new child will benefit his first children? Especially given he will be removing the responsibility he has to pay towards their upbringing.

alltouchedout · 24/05/2017 11:39

Your partner's children's needs don't go away just because you're pissed off with their mother.

If you aren't prepared to ensure the dc continue to get the support they need, your partner needs to drop this plan to be a SAHD and get another paid job so that all his children can be looked after.

Don't lose sight of the children in all this. It's not their fault the adults in their lives are acting badly.

Helpmegetthisoutmymind · 24/05/2017 11:46

I have asked a few of my friends about this this morning. We got together for coffee and we were discussing csm so I brought up this scenario. All said in this situation they would pay for things for the children directly as they are not babies and can tell their father what they need or want. Everyone agreed they wouldn't give the ex a penny. Including myself.
I really hope your pregnancy goes smoothly you do not need this stress right now.

Spice22 · 24/05/2017 11:51

Flossy - contribution to a household doesn't have to be just financial. The existing children can stay with their dad whilst their mum goes to work - thereby saving the Mum on childcare and enabling her to earn more and progress in her career. This benefits everyone and the children spend even more time with their father.

stitchglitched · 24/05/2017 12:10

The children are 12 and 15. Unlikely that they need that much childcare but they do need financial support. Also we have no idea how far away they live from their Dad and how practical it would be. Some posters have even suggested that they should move in with their Dad now, because of cause these children should have their lives disrupted to satisfy their father's whims. It's pathetic.

Cloudyapples · 24/05/2017 12:10

It's really simple op - her behaviour and how you feel about it doesn't make any difference to his responsibilities as a parent. The money isn't for her, it's for THE CHILDREN! What you do or don't want to do doesn't matter. So what if she's upset oh? Rise above it and remember what's more important - it's called being a parent and supporting the children.

FlossyMooToo · 24/05/2017 12:17

Spice i doubt the 15 yo will need any childcare at all and depending on the hours mum works the 12 yo probably wont either. So what contribution is dad avtually bringing to the table?

CrazedZombie · 24/05/2017 12:17

Helpme- if you were the OP would you be going over to the ex's house to put petrol in the car (so the kids can go to school, see friends, clubs..) and deliver food? It's abusive (controlling) to put conditions on the maintenance.
I can understand why the OP would be annoyed at having to suck it up but her partner isn't working and could have prevented this by telling his ex what was going on before she had to hear it from the kids.

jajabonks · 24/05/2017 12:23

@Helpmegetthisoutmymind are you going go and do the weekly shop, get school to send you the school uniform list, check clothes don't fit anymore before buying new?

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 12:29

OP you are getting such a bashing here, all second wives on here usually do.

Well done you for standing your ground and insisting on an apology.

I'm presuming that there is a massive back story here and that OP has had a lot of crap to deal with from dp's exw. It all sounds very bitter and OP has probably had enough hence the 'fuck you' attitude.

If my dh was ever not able to work, through redundancy or illness etc (we are not planning any dc together so wouldn't be in OP's circumstances) hell would freeze over before i have my dh's ex any of my hard earned cash. Sorry, but you reap what you sow.

stitchglitched · 24/05/2017 12:35

'Hell would freeze over before I gave my dh's ex any of my hard earned cash'

Shouldn't that be 'hell would freeze over before I allowed my dh to use any of our joint finances to which he is equally entitled, to provide support for his children'?

Spice22 · 24/05/2017 12:38

Flossy, the 12 year old would need childcare. What hours does the Mum work where she don't need childcare? Part time hours I imagine and in that case, she can now work full time hours because childcare is sorted. Yes, this is assuming they live reasonably near.

Tbh each family is different. I'm just saying that if I were in the OPs situation, well Mrssaphire has summed it up quite nicely in her last paragraph.

Spice22 · 24/05/2017 12:39

Stitch, you are assuming that everyone handles household finances in the same way as you. Plenty of people don't believe in 'family money' and therefore it would be her money if her husband was unemployed.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 12:41

Like i said, i presume there is a massive back story as to why the OP feels like this. And no, my dh's ex would not see a penny of my money. My obligation is to support my dh and my dc, not his dc.

I appreciate that in the OP's position her dp is choosing not to support his dc from his ex, which makes it a bit different than someone not being able to pay for redundancy or illness reasons. I'm not defending that, it doesn't seem fair at all. I was defending the OP's right to think 'fuck you' in this case and that there is probably a valid reason why she has this attitude.

mrssapphirebright · 24/05/2017 12:42

Maybe in the OP's case her dp can go for 50:50 residency / custody then no maintenance would need to be paid anyway.

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