to ask how most of our mothers coped?

[ItalianScallion]

I was born in the 70's. My mother was a SAHM and there were three of us kids. My father worked night shifts.

The youngest of us was born when I was four and the oldest was 7. My mother got us up, took us to school, took us to after school activities and sports whilst maintaining a ridiculously clean home, and doing all the laundry etc with no help or family support.

My DH has a similar upbringing except his mother and father were living abroad and travelled to several different countries to live because of the nature of FIL's work. My MIL worked nights and so they would literally hand over the kids to each other as one came home and the other went to work.

I feel that we were all raised pretty decently and I have a huge amount of respect for my parents and PIL.

Which brings me to my AIBU to think that we are getting softer? My mother and MIL shake their heads in disbelief when they hear of mothers who SAHM, have a nanny/au pair and a weekly cleaner and still talk about how they're not coping.

Don't get me wrong, parenting is a hard job but it seems that popular parenting ideas and methods are allowing us to make rods for our own backs.

Please understand I'm not referring to women with PND or any MH issues. This is MN so I know I'll be flamed by people with their anecdotes of difficult babies and their specific struggles, and I agree that there will always be exceptions to the rule. Still, I can't help but feel that we don't 'just get on with it' the way our mothers did.

I think the OP is older than me or their family has longer generations. DM was born 1949 neither she or dgm ever drove, although both familys had a car. Dm just remembers not having a fridge, but certainly grew up with a washing machine. I grew up with a dishwasher, both me and my dm used a combination of disposibles and cloth , we both breast fed and worked pt while we had infant school age dcs.
Her job security wasn't as good as mine and I think they were broker for longer than dh and I. She took us on bike rides, picinics and days out. My dcs are subjected to boredom on wet weekends or weekends when dh and I have lots to do. Personally I don't think that much has changed. Her babies were born in '76, 79 and 87, mine in 2004 and 2006 for refference.

I find the comments from the previous generations of mums that the current cohort expect too much and should accept our lot, depressing.

I hope our daughters generation has more freedom to pursue her own dreams, free time and equality than mine.

Looking at that there is only 17 (16)years between 87 (end of) and 2004 (beginging of) so maybe not that surprising

I am from the "previous generation of mums" (actually still a mum) and I wouldn't dream of saying that. We refused to accept our lot, founded the women's movement of the seventies and worked together in sisterhood to change things.

Couldn't agree with safeword more! Why would you want to struggle and survive! Don't you want more op??? Good for your parents...mine were the same. And good for all the women demanding more!!!!

EmilyAlice apologies for the generalisation and somehow implying motherhood only relates to those with young children.

Its all upthread. The usual, "I was up til 2 am making a lovely home for my dh and dc, it was enough for me. There was no 'me time', why would we need that? Only dh, slaving at work all week needed hobbies, interests and,career aspirations." Blah blah. The same stick mil and dm use to beat us if we get ideas above our domestic station.

I want more than that. My dh thinks I deserve more than that and frankly if my dds grows up with those aspirations I will have failed her as a parent.

Thanks SafeWord. I didn't understand those attitudes at the time and I don't now. My grandmother worked, my mother worked, I worked, my daughter works and my granddaughters are already discussing their future careers. For me it isn't about how you choose to spend your time, it is about independence and personal achievement. I still struggle to see how you can get that from a lifetime of housework tbh.
My DH used to get a bit of stick from colleagues for cooking, cleaning and feeding the babies, but he didn't take any notice. We have been married for 48 years and we still share the work of running our home.
I think the point is that if you don't like the way things are, you work to change them either personally or with others. That is what I would understand by "getting on with it".

My mother worked so she coped by having childcare for us.

My observation as a young mother today is that parents now seem less willing to have their children pitch in with household work and chores. Maybe because my parents worked but I was doing laundry and cooking for my younger sibling from about 12/13 years old on a regular basis. I don't see many of my friends which children that age putting them to work in the same way.

My dm is forever saying how she doesn't know how women cope today. When she was younger she was a Sahm as were all her friends so they all mucked in and helped each other. She said the thought of working as well as being a mum scares her! She often tells me and my sil how we need to relax and stress about "doing it all" less. I love my mum x x

All this talk of "coping" as if it is some ordeal to be got through rather than simply the fabric of life itself.

People then didn't "cope" people now don't "cope" they live life. It is not some sort of ordeal having kids, it is just life, it is what you can make of it.

For me it isn't about how you choose to spend your time, it is about independence and personal achievement. I still struggle to see how you can get that from a lifetime of housework tbh

I think that goes to show how little you know.

LionWings Haha I remember boiled potatoes every bloody night! And why did our mums never play with us, I've not one memory of my mum playing with me

People then didn't "cope" people now don't "cope" they live life. It is not some sort of ordeal having kids, it is just life, it is what you can make of it

I agree with this. Yeah having kids/juggling obligations can be tough, but if it's something we have to 'cope' through, or endure, then why have children?
I've found parts of it extremely tough going but I'd hate to think I spend my days just trying to cope.

Emaily, well said. My mother in the 1940s supported my student father through her teaching wages. Her own mother worked. None of us for at least 100 years has tolerated sexism at home. My father cleaned the house, did night feeds (my siblings were bottle fed). I work. My daughter (with baby) works.

Women fought very hard in the 70s in particular tog et fairness and equality. I bought my children gender neutral books showing women as doctors and men staying ath ome I remember from a feminist book club. We made sure our daughters climbed trees and in due course forged careers (my daughters are solicitors as am I). None of that happened by change. It was because of a gender neutral fair set up at home with men doing as much house work as women. We have to fight for it every day. I was told when I started work in an office to hide the fact I could touch type very quickly (I taught myself when I was 15 from a library book) as otherwise I might get lumbered with secretarial female duties.

My mum raised us two DC in the 1970s and didn't work till my DB was in school (so he was 5 and I was 8). I went to a little nursery/preschool when I was 3 and he did the same. No family around (the UK side all live very far and her own family are overseas - she used to type her DM an air letter once a week).

There was some daytime kids' TV though! I actually remember watching it.

She says I have it hard and do a lot - because I work and do a lot with the DCs. But one thing that I think helped her was that everyone else was in the same situation meaning that she had loads of SAHMs of under-5s around her and therefore loads of company. Many of them were wives of my DF's colleagues so it was a kind of ready made social circle.

We had a cleaner when she was working full time - but I grew up in an enormous period house (that cost buttons and had mushrooms growing in the cellar when they moved in - funnily enough we have just moved into a similar house but it didn't cost buttons!) and there must have been a lot of cleaning.

We had masses of Lego (I think my own DCs' Lego stash actually pales into insignificance!) but this may well have been when older, and the house was rammed with books. My DPs are now divorced and my dad's house is overflowing with books (not quite hoarder and some rooms are clear but others are massively neglected) and my DM has loads of nicknacks and pictures. Tasteful, quirky nicknacks and pictures but they are all over the place nonetheless.

So I actually feel like, though the DCs probably have marginally more toys than we did, we maybe have less stuff. We don't have fewer gadgets, its true, and I spend much more time messing around doing the equivalent of playing card games by myself and talking on the phone to friends (which I tend to see as equivalent to playing games on my phone and going on social media).

My mother had it easier. Although my Dad worked long hours, she only temped in the holidays when we were young. Dad was a teacher. He had a good income and a good career.

My dh went through a long period of unemployment so no job security. I work too but opposite shifts so less time. We had our kids older so are sandwiched between aging parents too

JanetBrown my DD says that she does share with some friends their recollections of growing up in a home where both parents had demanding careers and the expectation that you would do the same. I don't think I was concious of deliberately pushing her towards that, but I suppose it is about what you actually do, as well as implicit expectations.
She loves her career and has the same expectations for her daughters.

EmilyAlice I've had a successful, demanding career. I am currently a SAHM through choice, and when my children are older I'll go back to my career. It's not either/or.

I think the pills and the fags and being able to let your child out of the house sure as hell made things easier.

Look at an old "things we were allowed to do in the 70sthread" and you'll see why. I wish I could send my five year old to the shops without someone calling ss. Or let them play on the street. Or read a magazine that didn't say I have to speak to my children in just this exact time else they become serial killers.

It's different now there are different problems. No one is better no one is worse

No of course not. Though I think it was harder for people of my age to do that. We still had a hell of a lot to prove in terms of defining the place of women with children in senior roles.

That was in response to Ecureuil.

Also being able to drink smoke and roll in cheese must have made for much happier pregnant women

No of course not. Though I think it was harder for people of my age to do that. We still had a hell of a lot to prove in terms of defining the place of women with children in senior roles

Yes, true.

I think money played a huge part in the 70's and it plays a huge part now. In general having more money can make your life easier. It was ever thus.

I was born in 1979 and my sister was 10 by then. As a mother in the 80's my mum had a car, washing machine etc. She worked full time as did my dad. I think two major differences are the costs of housing and the quality/costs of childcare. There's no way a family in the kind of jobs my parents did could afford the life they had now (and absolutely no chance of the pensions they could invest in). Dad was a stock controller and worked away a lot, mum was a technician in a mill. We lived in a nice house with a massive garden in a desirable area, ran two cars and went on holiday every year. As kids we were sort of shunted from one auntie to childminder to another auntie. As my sister was older than me she looked after me too. It was all very cash in hand and friends doing favours which I think is very different today.

In the 70's all my children could read at three.

Their choice was to sit quietly and read their books,or fan me with a palm leaf,whilst reading my own book on a daybed.

I barely managed