That you don't ask guests to change their wedding outfit?

[poopsqueak]

Got a phone call this morning from my brother (sheepishly) asking what I was wearing to his wedding.

I told him 'black dress' and asked why and he said his wife to be is worried ill either 'stand out' or 'fade into the background' and could I change it?

The wedding is in 2 weeks, I've had the dress for 2 months (no return period) and my mum (mother of the groom) has had the same call. My mum just said yes though. She had a navy pant suit that she had bought and went out and bought another pink dress to be more in theme.

I don't have an official part of the wedding though so i don't think I am messing up a theme. Also I got the dress as it was neutral and made me feel good. It was also £150 and I just can't afford another one.

What should I do?

black is not the done thing

Someone should tell the future Queen of England then!

Just to be clear I have never heard of black being a no no for a wedding. I've seen plenty of people wearing that before. I'm 29 btw and wondering if it is a generational thing.

I also really like the bride! It's not her I have a problem with it's just a very quick marriage and they fight. A lot. Very screamy and shouty.

Anyways I've found out she's called my aunts and cousins too and asked if they can fit in with the pastels theme. (I didn't know there was a theme just that the bridesmaids were in baby blue) l. A theme has never been discussed!

Also worth noting I am the epitome of 'not pastels' as I generally wear plain/black/darks/neutrals so would feel very uncomfortable in a pastel dress. That's why I think it's a weird request.

*got my brother to call my aunts and cousins

My initial reaction is that they are either phoning all the guests to enforce a dress code, or someone told her you are wearing black. Neither of which is really very nice. I don't have an issue with a black dress if you are accessorising it with a corsage or lighter coloured bag/shoes....all black would be a bit of a statement about the union I would agree with others.
I hate dressing for weddings!! The last one I went to was on a Friday but in a 5* hotel so I imagined it would be a very "posh" affair....I spent over £400 on an outfit (that to be fair I knew I would get lots of wear out of afterwards) but most of the guests looked like they'd rummaged in the bargain bin at Primark.....most of the men weren't in suits and some of the female guests seemed confused at the church setting and not a nightclub....it was awful. The poor bride was so upset she refused to have any large group photos and my mum and I got dragged into quite a few smaller group ones as we had made an effort!! Afterwards she said she really regretted not putting a dress code on the invites......... as in "formal" - as if you should have to .

OP Just explain to your brother that that would have been fine if he had told you there was a theme from the outset but as you have already got your outfit and can't return it you can't comply. I think your dress looks lovely and with nice accessories you will look fab and totally appropriate(I am 46 btw) so it must be a pre war thing.

I don't think it's a good idea to just say "sod you" and turn up in black anyway. It's not your day and you have been asked not to.

My go to colour for any event is black. To me it is just a colour like any other. If i am going to a wedding it means that i am happy for the bride and groom, i wouldnt go if i wasnt. So what i am wearing should not matter.

Good lord, if you want a "theme", you include it in the wedding invit'. You know, with the poem.

It's outdated sexist nonsense, nobody should get to dictate what other adults can or can't wear.

Why would you need a theme on a summer wedding in June? - surely it's obvious it's summer colours?

Why would anyone think it's winter colours?

Oh dear. I feel a bit sorry for your DB having to make these calls. She has clearly left it too late. Very few people buy an outfit for a wedding this late. I agree you should just calmly explain that you can't return the dress and have spent money on it but will buy some 'in theme' accessories as you have said.

I don't think you should pay much attention to the black at wedding comments as it sounds like it's more about her wanting to introduce this theme idea and if she is young like you I doubt she has this opinion about black. It is quite an old fashioned view.

astro I love black in the summer!

I have been invited once to a "white" wedding, where everybody was requested to wear.. well white obviously. Absolute pain, I don't own any white dress because they are unsuitable for weddings, and let's not even go on my DH outfit. At least, we were told months in advance, not 2 weeks before...

Is that what Kate wore to Pippa's wedding???

I'm shocked!

She looks like she's going to a funeral. It's awful.

This is 2017.

Your dress is fine.

Its a party you've been invited to, you're under no obligation to perform for the bride.

Oh they could bugger right off with a pastels theme, I don't wear pastels at all and I would not be buying a pastel dress for any bugger because I would never wear it again.

You want people in a particular colour, you make them part of the wedding party and pay for their outfit

Accessorise with cream. Job done!

she's asked if we can fit in with the pastels theme

Shudder. I hate pastels. I really don't understand anyone here saying they wouldn't want someone wearing a black dress to their wedding. It's just another colour, FFS. We had one female guest in a black business suit, a couple in black evening dresses, and one couple in jeans and t-shirts! We had a good laugh about that one afterwards. People should stop being so precious and be grateful the guests have gone to the trouble and expense of buying gifts and turning up.

Terribly rude to call BUT agree that black to a wedding is generally thought of as bad form.

Not universally though, as this thread demonstrates.

I think I'd be replying saying you have a dress, it was expensive, you can't return it, you have nothing else suitable - but if they're willing to fund another dress of your choice you'll happily change it.

Be nice about it if you can, it will earn you brownie points, and it's their wedding so if they are willing to buy you a dress...

Is it worth falling out with your brother and new SIL over? Wedding photos last forever, I wouldn't want to upset my brother on his wedding day over something so trivial.

Hmm. Well there's pastels and pastels. I'm still on the side of make them buy you a dress, you choose it, but you'll try to meet them half way.

Then you can eBay the dress!

I've never heard of this about wearing black to a wedding. It really wouldn't bother me.

Am off to look through my wedding photos to see who was against our wedding

If I look at a waist up shot every man there was against ours; standard highlandwear jackets are black , and there's quite a few well dressed women wearing black too.

I'm a similar age to you OP which might be a factor, if I look through friends wedding albums there's folk wearing black in all of them.

I'd not wear black to a wedding either. Id also wonder about a SIL and MIL wearing somber colours to a wedding. Not sure it's an age thing, more a cultural thing?