That you don't ask guests to change their wedding outfit?

[poopsqueak]

Got a phone call this morning from my brother (sheepishly) asking what I was wearing to his wedding.

I told him 'black dress' and asked why and he said his wife to be is worried ill either 'stand out' or 'fade into the background' and could I change it?

The wedding is in 2 weeks, I've had the dress for 2 months (no return period) and my mum (mother of the groom) has had the same call. My mum just said yes though. She had a navy pant suit that she had bought and went out and bought another pink dress to be more in theme.

I don't have an official part of the wedding though so i don't think I am messing up a theme. Also I got the dress as it was neutral and made me feel good. It was also £150 and I just can't afford another one.

What should I do?

Oh I can't possibly marry Paul now, Auntie Jean had turned up in the wrong shade of taupe. The whole day is ruined and my life will never be happy again.

I actually feel a bit sorry for your SIL, I bet she has a relative (mum?) who is particular about these things and she feels stuck in the middle - I imagine the conversation went like this:

SIL: "Pippa's wedding, lots of darkish colours, wonder if things are changing..."
DB: "what do you mean, what is wrong with dark colours?"
SIL: "erm... it's rude and means you disapprove of the wedding."
DB: "I've never heard that, I bet my gothic sister hasn't either"
SIL: "She wouldn't wear black would she - my mum would have a fit, call her and check."
DB: "I can't do that,"
SIL: "just put my mind at rest..."

Then "oh no" (heart sinks) "call your mum, she must know about this etiquette, it's a summer wedding FFS,".... "oh no, call your aunts, how can this have happened the wedding is in two weeks, it's going to be so dreary and my mum will be moaning to everyone."

Seriously, I hated this period just before the wedding when couples kept splitting up, people falling out with each other and just generally throwing spanners in the works - she must be stressed and if she is normally nice then I can see this happening.

No Eugenie, it'll be fine.

So for clarity. We are english, northern and working class (if that makes a difference to 'rude to wear black' 'not rude to wear black' )

Someone mentioned that the colour scheme may be in the invitations, well the invitations were black! Ha ha.

The wedding is in a country house. It's not massively posh (in my opinion)

Ceremony starts at 4pm so quite a late start and straight into dinner.

It is unusual to wear an all black dress to a wedding though.

Only in this country.
I've been to some really smart weddings in the states and the guests wear a lot of dark colors.
However they think we are weird with our fascinators and oversized hats.

Only in this country.

Maybe so, but we are in this country so that's all that matters.

What other countries choose or not choose to do is their own affair and completely irrelevant to this discussion.

I can't imagine being asked to wear a specific colour to a wedding!
I've been asked to wear a specific style of clothing to a wedding before, but that was an Indian style wedding, we were all asked to wear saris or the male equivalent style, because the Indian bride was marrying a white boy and the mother disapproved hugely. So they went all out to make the wedding as Indian as possible. No issue with that.

As for phoning a close family member to check "colour scheme" - no way! The only close family member's wedding I've attended, I was bridesmaid at anyway, so had my colour dictated by that. My own wedding, I had no attendants but everyone just wore what they wanted to (including MIL wearing navy blue, btw!) AND DH and my Dad had black suits.

I've heard it's bad form to wear anything remotely bride-like, so as not to detract from the bride's outfit; and I've heard that red can be frowned upon (scarlet woman implications, I suppose?). Green is supposedly not good for bridesmaids, as it denotes jealousy.
But I've never heard, or been told, that black (unless head to toe black) is bad.

I've also been asked to wear a specific style to a wedding: evening wear so I wore a black floor length dress . It does have some brown and gold embroidery on the bodice. Come to think of it I believe I may have worn black to my cousins wedding and black fascinator before they were hugely popular over 10 yrs ago.

Oops the blush was meant as sarcasm btw.

I think I've once enquired about the colour of the bridesmaids dresses - I was in Coast looking for a dress for a wedding and spotted a nice knee length dress which I really liked. Same dress was also available in a floor length version, and I suddenly had a vague feeling of "shit, I think this is one of the brides favourite colours and if she's bought off the rack dresses..." so I checked and it turned out that was the bridesmaids colour.

Sure enough, turn up on the day and the bridesmaids were in the long version.

I wouldn't check normally, and I don't think a single guest asked when we were getting married.

I reckon if you ask for evening wear you are fairly guaranteed to get women in long black dresses Mummyoflittledragon, I bet you weren't the only one either.

Coulour schemes for weddings (guests) make me think the world is going to Hell in a handbasket

I know. It's sad isn't it. Not to mention very controlling.

What nonsense! I've worn black to weddings and at my own wedding the bridesmaids wore black. And no, it wasn't some goth thing, they are adults and I wanted them to have a stylish dress they could wear again.
I think it's VVVU to dictate your guests' outfits unless there's a very specific theme or you are paying for them yourself.

Ignore them. The bride has gone full on bridezilla i.e. tonto. I honestly couldn't have given a flying fuck what guests wore to my wedding. Who cares?

If they want a colour to suit theme or certain colours not allowed, then say early on. Too late 2 weeks before!

Picture of dress shows a beautiful formal dress perfectly suitable for a wedding. And as you've now agreed to pastel accessories there no reason at all not to wear the dress you have.
If they felt that strongly about how guests plan to dress they should have said so at time of inviting!

Also I work black to my sister's wedding, as in fact did both my grans. (And mum wore ivory). All my sister cared about was us being there to celebrate with her on her happy day!

There's black and there's black. Mum wore a black dress to my August wedding, with a cream and black blazer and hat and looked lovely and vair chic and great in the B&W photos.

A friend's MIL wore a hi neck Victorian lace black dress and didn't smile all day and looked like she was in a posed Edwardian funeral photo.

Your dress looks light and lacy, and the pink and gold styling upthread would be superb on it, especially with a pashmina/shawl thing covering your shoudlers for the day ceremony.

I am biased, having chosen it for my own wedding, but I honestly think that navy is the perfect colour for bridesmaids' dresses. It is flattering to most colourings and looks fantastic in photos, making the bride's dress (assuming that she wears white / cream / ivory) really pop. It goes with pretty much any flower colour and is guaranteed to co-ordinate with the green of any foliage. Finally, having been to more than one wedding where the male members of the wedding party had to wear cerise / teal / egg-yolk yellow polyester cravats to co-ordinate with the bridesmaids, it is also kind to the groom and ushers...

I wouldn't wear black (or white) to a wedding, I think it's bad manners so for me personally to do it would be a very PA show of disapproval. If I disapproved that much I would decline the invitation. If I see others wearing black to a wedding I can only assume they disagree/don't care/want to send a message. If they haven't got the money for a different dress then I imagine a bride / groom would rather have them there than not but it is a bit off for immediate family.

Never wear black to a wedding

OP you can get lovely black veils to match on ebay....just sayin'.

I too am going to the wedding of a bridezilla in a month, who has invited children - so everyone accepted, then a month later said 'but we don't want them there after 5pm (food is not till 6pm) meaning half the guests then have to leave or arrange babysitters and come back to her (out of the way) venue.

Brides are weird.

Wear a bright red scarf. If she says anything further say 'never mind bride, I'll come to your next one'. That'll fix it

I seriously feel like I must be living in a different world to most of these posters (London!). Your dress is seriously gorgeous and very summery-looking and will look fabulous on dark skin. It really reminds me of a Self-Portrait dress which is what the fashion bloggers are always wearing to wedding/christening type events. Black is FINE at a wedding (especially one that starts late afternoon). Anything is fine these days bar wearing an actual wedding dress to someone else's wedding - jumpsuits, maxi dresses, sequins, whatever. Seriously those of you saying you would see it as PA - I mean, seriously??! What century are you living in? Anyway, this says it is ok, so it must be sheerluxe.com/2015/06/18/wearing-black-summer-wedding
Wear it and feel good about yourself OP - it is lovely!

Bloody hell chocolate. Bridezilla wants the children to fuck off without feeding them exactly at children's teatime. How rude and inconvenient, how are they supposed to eat? And how exactly are you supposed to get back for 6? Either no children or children for the whole event, surely? I'm surprised you're still going. My blood would be boiling.

Bah, she saw the Middleton/Matthews wedding and decided she wanted family in pastels. But she's not semi-royalty. Or marrying into a hotel dynasty. Sure the coordination will mean they blend beautifully in the family photos. But theirs will be valuable in monetary terms. Whereas most of your brother's will be in a box at the back of the wardrobe within a year. Plus no doubt they gave plenty of warning!

I'd ask why. Just to fully understand. Then point out- totally charmingly- that all eyes will be on the bride, and so of course you'll blend into the background. Maybe even give her a call directly so it can be a friendly discussions, as last thing you really want is an atmosphere, even if she is being utterly ridiculous.

Luckily my childrens and my patience with them will have worn out by then anyway, but my friend who has two toddlers now cannot go to the evening bit at all - despite the fact there are ample people who will happily look after them (me included) during the evening.

It's a 'we want you in the photos but we don't want to actually have to look after you' situation. And the wedding - noon so no chance to feed them beforehand either! EVERYONE will be starving by 3pm. I'm planning to call Dominos and get some pizzas delivered at this rate.