That you don't ask guests to change their wedding outfit?

[poopsqueak]

Got a phone call this morning from my brother (sheepishly) asking what I was wearing to his wedding.

I told him 'black dress' and asked why and he said his wife to be is worried ill either 'stand out' or 'fade into the background' and could I change it?

The wedding is in 2 weeks, I've had the dress for 2 months (no return period) and my mum (mother of the groom) has had the same call. My mum just said yes though. She had a navy pant suit that she had bought and went out and bought another pink dress to be more in theme.

I don't have an official part of the wedding though so i don't think I am messing up a theme. Also I got the dress as it was neutral and made me feel good. It was also £150 and I just can't afford another one.

What should I do?

I don’t think the bride should dictate colour schemes to guests, but to be fair, I think wearing an outfit that is considered not the done thing to a wedding does come across as a little bit disrespectful.

I have been googling and found a list of what not to do:
Don’t wear head to toe black
Don’t wear white
Don’t flash the flesh

“I might assume that a guest turning up in black was just oblivious to this social norm”

I would assume that anyway. I admit that I’m surprised that there are quite a few people who seem to be unaware of this, although I personally wouldn’t have an issue with someone turning up to a wedding dressed in black. I was mildly disappointed when a male friend turned up to my wedding in striped jeans and thought “I’ve made an effort, why couldn’t you?” but I wasn’t upset.

“Anyways I've found out she's called my aunts and cousins too and asked if they can fit in with the pastels theme”

Now, that is getting beyond ridiculous. I don’t “get” themed weddings anyway. I have never been to one. My experience of weddings is very untypical of the ones I read about on here anyway: no bridezilla behaviour, always in the UK, no demands for money, no demands for wearing certain colours, children always invited. These have always been about mostly family getting together to celebrate a marriage between two people and have been frippery and rules free.

it's not the done thing for men to wear black either.

Since when?
www.google.co.uk/search?q=morning+suit+wedding&client=safari&rls=en&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwik5-eZ2P7TAhWJAsAKHQ6BCMcQsAQIJw&biw=1440&bih=723

Nearly all black, charcoal, dark grey or dark navy!

I cannot believe wedding couples believe they can dictate what guests wear beyond a simple guidance morning dress/suits/casual for the men which gives some indication to the women. Black is fine, cream is fine - providing the guest isn't turning up in something bridal or deliberately grabbing attention away from the bride (Raquel Welch upthread best example). But you have bridezillas and groomzillas - like a couple I knew who didn't want the (Scots) best man wearing a kilt "because it would distract from them in the wedding photos." Get over yourselves. Go for it OP, wear the black.

I doubt that the people encouraging you to ignore your brother and SIL and turn up wearing black would actually do it themselves to their own families. It is easy to shout "wear it, wear it"! anonymously online.

Hulababy, but they are all men who are dressed in black!

It's bizarre when you get these outdated traditions that dictate how we do things, but that's basically what traditional weddings are all about. They are walking talking outdated traditions and it you buy into it they you buy into it.

The only time I wore a black dress to a wedding was in August on literally the hottest day of that year. It was the only short/no sleeved smart dress I had, and I teamed it with a very pale green short sleeved jacket. Looked fab! and had no adverse comments from anyone about it. Think it was about 20 years ago...

Anyway, since they've asked it would be kind in you to wear a pastel set of accessories, including maybe a shawl (as you've already suggested), as to completely ignore the request might create bad feeling. But no, I wouldn't change the dress.

I look like a corpse in pastels.
Wear the black.
She should be grateful that she didn't get wed in the 1970's like we did.
My wedding photo's are a sea of 40 shades of brown.
Plus spot the biggest afro on the non Afro Caribbean guests.

I've been to a few weddings over the years but today is the first time I found out that black is apparently unacceptable at a wedding. My reaction would be to tell my DBro that it was too late, outfit bought, I'd wear some brightening accessories but if the bride to be wanted to make such a song and dance about a colour scheme it should have been pointed out a lot sooner than 2 weeks before wedding. Also bride to be should have had the guts to do the calling round herself.

I would never wear a black dress to an English wedding and never wear bright colours to a funeral - unless specifically asked to by the family, or they told me they were definitely OK with it. I would be somewhat annoyed to have a specific colour dictated to me if not part of the bridal party, but asking for no black is fair enough imo, given its very strong association in Western culture with mourning, which makes it better avoided for a wedding ceremony! Most people these days would probably be OK with it, if it looked like a fun occasion sort of dress and was brightened up with accessories of other colours, and did not look like something you would also wear to a funeral, but you never know. It really sends quite a marked message out to some people.

That dress is beautiful OP, wear it. Just brighten it up with some bright accessories.

@Little Like other PPs have worn black to several weddings including close family. I wouldn't have been in photos of the wedding parties eg bride, groom, attendants, DM and DF and PIL though groom's mother was and wore classic dark navy Dior coatdress. No one objected or commented or took it as some sort of coded animosity towards the wedding - either hers or mine. IMO if someone wants to exclude certain colours they should say so on the wedding invitation particulars and certainly not two weeks before a wedding.

"cream is fine - providing the guest isn't turning up in something bridal "

Only if you're sure the bride will be wearing a very obvious wedding dress herself. Some of them wear quite basic white or cream dresses so you could still be mistaken for the bride.

I'll admit the photos always look nicer when all the guests follow a theme, but I think it's a bit off and control freaky to tell guests what they can and can't wear. Real life isn't the same as Instagram, is it?

But equally I do think that choosing an all black dress is a bit daft unless you know there is a monochrome theme or it's an early evening wedding that's more of a black tie type affair.

If everyone else is in pale or soft colours you will stand out like a sore thumb and look a bit jarring in the photos. But I wouldn't ask you to change, I'd just quietly ask the photographer to stick you at the back.

What, they think you will either stand out OR fade into the background?? How can you do both?

Wear the dress, but accessories it with bright summery colours.

They should have more to be worrying about that the colour of your dress!

Gosh all this angst! I'm getting married next weekend and could not give a shit what colour my guests wear.

OP, wear the dress you chose.

Babba

That picture is really lovely.

However, none of these women are wearing "all" black ;)

I would usually say don't wear black to a wedding, unless you were just going to the evening do...but I did recently, and accessorised with nude.

I did check with the bride first though, who said "I don't care what you wear, as long as you're there."

If she'd minded I would have gone out and bought something else.

I bought a blue dress to wear to my sister's wedding before she told me she expected ALL the guests (not just the bridal party) to wear black and/or white. I just ignored her and wore the damn dress anyway. She and the groom split up within a year of getting married (after spending £25k on the wedding)! I don't think attempting to control every aspect of your wedding necessarily bode well for a long and happy marriage.

If you have had the dress for 2 months and not worn it you can exchange it.

Do people really think any dress is appropriate for a funeral as long as it's black? Can't people really not see the difference between a respectful low key outfit and a pretty black dress for a wedding?

Trashy black hooker dress 🙊😐👎 Charming!

OP it's a really pretty dress and pink accessories will look lovely with it. I think that's a perfectly reasonable response to a pretty ridiculous request way too near the wedding. It doesn't matter what colour the bridesmaids are wearing; announcing a pastels theme so near the wedding is ludicrous.

IIRC my lovely Auntie wore black dress, tights and shoes to my wedding but with a really colourful jacket - she looked lovely. I was just delighted she was there. Blinkin' pastels theme for the guests with barely any notice - THATS unreasonable. You are not.

I think I've worn black to the last few weddings I've been to, just because I couldn't find anything else smart that I like, that I'd wear again. Usually with a coloured wrap.

I always make a point of wearing colour to a funeral, it's usually asked for by the family these days. Bright red tights to my dad's this year.....

It's really nothing to do with wether it is right or wrong to wear black to a wedding, you've been asked not to and it would be a nice thing to do for your brothers sake? It would be easy to exchange the dress. But you seem determined to so there must be more to this.

Why would you wear a black dress to a wedding, totally bizarre. Really weird. Its the colour of attire worn to a funeral. Ugh!