AIBU to not go to a wedding, because I am worried I might be rude?

[SilentLaugher]

My DH and I have been invited to the wedding of his friend. DH accepted on our behalf and I had initially been really looking forward to it. It's a church wedding in the summer, and I think it will be a lovely day.

Although I know the friend well - I don't know much about his fiancée except for the fact that she is a very devout person - CoE I think? The friend is not. I am also an atheist, but I am mostly indifferent to religion - each to their own.

So here's my problem - past experience has told me that, during v. religious ceremonies I do tend to start internally giggling/silent laughing quite uncontrollably - particularly when it's clear that no laughing is allowed.

I don't do it on purpose, and I do my best to control it - but I have just realised that this wedding ceremony will be a bit of a danger zone for me - particularly because the ceremony is quite long, and we've heard through the grapevine that we've been invited "to a wedding, not a party."

I just feel so out of place, and I can't get into singing the songs/saying the prayers at all. It just feels very silly to me - I don't believe a word of it. And my shoulders start shaking like crazy while I try to control it - and of course that sets my DH off too!

AIBU to just not go? My DH will be quite disappointed, we've already spent quite a bit of money on it, and the friend is looking forward to us coming. But I don't want to spoil it for anyone!

Laughing uncontrollably at inappropriate times is a recognised problem

But just because it is a "recognised" problem, doesn't mean she has to let it run her life, does it?

I can understand something might feel alien to you, but i don't understand why it would make you laugh. There's lots of things in life that are alien to all of us, the normal reaction i suppose would be to feel a bit awkward? Can't understand why it should cause laughter though.

I really think you are being disingenuous here

a) If you have a psychological problem around nervous laughter, either get it treated or don't go to places where you know it would offend. I think you'd know that and wouldn't have to ask.

Which leads me to :

b) This is actually about your dislike of religion, in which case don't go, or don't post on a forum when you know you'll offend people (or is that what you wanted?)

.... are you really that unimaginative, that it would not have occurred to you that you could sit near the door?

My reception child knows to sit through mass and behave herself. I am truly stunned that someone who is apparently a grown up cannot a) catch on to herself and b) work out what to do all by herself. If you're going to sit there sniggering then don't go or sit by the door. It's really not difficult to work out. I don't know what exactly you wanted people to say to you? Did you expect them to tell you it was fine to sit there snorting and giggling with your DH or what?

Oh my very lovely great aunt was like that she got all nervous and laughed at inappropriate times, then set the rest of us off too. I remember weddings and funerals could be either very awkward or quite funny depending on the families involved. If it was what she called a serious occasion (bless her what did she think they all were?) she used to sit near the back and cough to cover herself (as a previous poster suggested) and go out for air

Perhaps the bereaved might have had a different view of your 'lovely' great aunt, Riversrun

How old are you? Do you really think it is seemly to behave like this - or worry that you will behave like this - during someone's wedding service?

She laughed during a funeral? During a religious service?

Oh gosh :( I mean, during a funeral reception or a wake? Sure. Go ahead, perfectly appropriate (usually!)

But this? Oh gosh. I can't see this going well. Not at all.

ive had a belly rumbling laugh come on at the most inappropriate time once when i had to desperately try and kill by biting my tongue to buy me a few seconds, it took me less than 5 seconds to get outside the church where i laughed myself solid as far away as possible, i was still in the throes of fit of laughter 10 mins later but had moved well away from where anyone else would be, with each round of laughter my body shook, my body ached afterwards but i had done all i could, i moved myself out of the way

what i didnt know at the time was laughter was bodies way of protecting me from shutting down as later than evening my body crashed down and i was hospitalised and a long journey began

She tended to only stick to close family who knew her well and were aware of the situation avocado not go to any "outside where she would cause offence, she was one of the most genuine people i knew

OP, I think you are fundamentally misunderstanding what you are being asked to do at the wedding ceremony. No one is expecting you to join in prayers and hymn-singing. The bride and groom know perfectly well that only a minority of their guests will be churchgoing C of E. Just sit and stand as appropriate. Admire the stained glass or the bloody hassocks. No one is asking you to be anything you aren't. You don't need to join in a rousing chorus of Jerusalem or anything. Are you always this self-conscious about doing things that 'feel silly'?

This is someone's wedding, if you cannot control yourself and your husband starts silently laughing as well then the pair of you have no business being there and should stay home.

If this is for real it's one of the more immature ruder things I've read on here. Quite frankly appalling to think of the pair of you sitting laughing your way through someone's wedding ceremony.

Devout atheist here. Happily attend any flavour of religious ceremony - humanist, catholic, CofE, Hindu, non-conformist (to date).

The reason that I don't find it all very silly and get the giggles is because:

a) I am an unimportant bystander and whether I find it silly is completely irrelevant
b) I am thinking, not about my views on what I think of the ceremony chosen by the bride and groom, but how happy they are to be standing there in front of their friends and family

If you have an anxiety response which makes you laugh in ALL anxious situations then you need to get help for this.

If it is just in a church situation then you need to stop thinking about the ceremony and how you feel awkward and how you react, who cares if you feel silly? Think about what washing you have to do if necessary, or plan tomorrows tea. There is no need for you to join in the prayers or hymns if you choose not to.

I sometimes barely listen to religious ceremonies, though the sermons can very often be thought provoking - just because someone has a different belief to me doesn't negate the fact that they may have something of value to teach me.

One of my tenets as a humanist (I can't remember who said it originally) is that I do the right thing despite the fact that there's nobody watching me. Perhaps you could start thinking like that and make being an atheist into the presence of some principles rather than the absence of a belief. It might help you to consider religions in a different light and develop yourself as a person and atheist rather than just dismissing religion as "silly".

I don't believe in god/gods but I completely understand the need of most humans to mark the big rites of passage in a ceremonial community way and it's partly participating in these events that bring us together whatever our beliefs.

Or you can keep indulging yourself by reacting inappropriately because you feel silly, in which case, stand outside for the ceremony.

Italian the reason it's the atheists on this thread that object more than the christian is for the same reason that if you read a thread by a christian giggling through a Muslim ceremony because they felt silly that you would be saying in a horrified tone "Don't be such an arse" #paraphrase.

It's because to a degree you do tend to see the members of your tribe as being representative or that tribe.

Perhaps wrongly.

What a good post, Kew.

Ah yes Kew makes sense, your last post and the one before. Wise words. I like the idea of being an atheist and being aware of it as a conscious thing not a lack of. And I am a Christian, as you know! And as I said before not all Christians will believe every bit of the ceremony or all that is said. I went to a baby baptism recently and i think the vicar and I were just about the only ones reading out the 'everybody reads' section of the liturgy, or at least it felt like that. I felt almost embarrassed that I knew what to do and say!

Then I have my head a wobble and remembered I was there as the Godmother of the mum of the baby being baptized, and so knowing what to do was hardly surprising!

Actually OP I have been thinking of you and wonder if you have decided what to do.

Areyoulocal I did think that too. I wondered if it could be some sort of Tourette Syndrome but the fact it is related only to going into religious places (or seems to be) makes me think it is not really that.

songofthecuckoo "Can't understand why it should cause laughter though" I think lots of things give odd responses, laughing so hard we start crying, maybe sometimes crying so hard we laugh.

All our responses are just our brain working out what to do in certain situations, and they will all be different. I cannot watch the trailer for 'War Horse' without shedding a tear, my 12-year-old dd is embarrassed by my crying, even if we are alone. To my knowledge my husband has only cried once in the whole time I have known him. We all respond differently and I don't think the OP's response is that odd; but I do think they need to get control of it.

You're being utterly ridiculous!

And you're making a huge deal out of it. Can you really not sit through something unfamiliar without "giggling uncontrollably"?!

That is weirdly childish.

Or does it only happen in churches??