AIBU to not go to a wedding, because I am worried I might be rude?

[SilentLaugher]

My DH and I have been invited to the wedding of his friend. DH accepted on our behalf and I had initially been really looking forward to it. It's a church wedding in the summer, and I think it will be a lovely day.

Although I know the friend well - I don't know much about his fiancée except for the fact that she is a very devout person - CoE I think? The friend is not. I am also an atheist, but I am mostly indifferent to religion - each to their own.

So here's my problem - past experience has told me that, during v. religious ceremonies I do tend to start internally giggling/silent laughing quite uncontrollably - particularly when it's clear that no laughing is allowed.

I don't do it on purpose, and I do my best to control it - but I have just realised that this wedding ceremony will be a bit of a danger zone for me - particularly because the ceremony is quite long, and we've heard through the grapevine that we've been invited "to a wedding, not a party."

I just feel so out of place, and I can't get into singing the songs/saying the prayers at all. It just feels very silly to me - I don't believe a word of it. And my shoulders start shaking like crazy while I try to control it - and of course that sets my DH off too!

AIBU to just not go? My DH will be quite disappointed, we've already spent quite a bit of money on it, and the friend is looking forward to us coming. But I don't want to spoil it for anyone!

In fact I clearly say I am indifferent to it.

sit near the back/door. make a discreet exit if necessary for the sake of the bridal party. don't worry about feeling silly. churches can be weird, even when you are a regular attender. and they are all different. and some of them have no idea how they appear to outsiders. hopefully you will get a welcoming one that can cope with the variety of people they are supposed to be welcoming. some are better at it than others

You don't have to interpret what I said so uncharitably
You asked for people's opinions and you got them.
That's what happens here.

silent it sounds like nervous laughter.

No one blames anyone for that. Except my kids!

My mum used to laugh when I fell off my bike. I was so angry. Now, sometimes, when my kids are upset I laugh. I have to explain to them I am not doing it on purpose.

Go to the service but slip out once the bride is in place at the front. You will be the last thing on her mind. Afterwards confess, the candles/incense/crowd was making me feel dizzy.

Only tell your dh the truth if you can trust him not to tell the groom in 2 years time!

And because I don't believe in it, I don't go to religious ever - in fact I think this is the first church wedding I've ever been invited to.

So because I don't believe in it, I don't go - so I feel simultaneously silly and out of place! And of course it's all compounded by the fact I am not trying to be disrespectful, whilst knowing my nervousness will make me react oddly and so I might be anyway!

I am sorry for not articulating that clearly before, but I did not think people would seek the worst possible interpretation of what I'm trying to say.

GladAllOver Yeah I sure did - and have discovered that most of you are far ruder than me.

Well don't go then.

If you can't control yourself you can't go to the wedding.

Can't imagine your OH will be too impressed.

I really dislike church weddings generally as the bride and groom have usually never stepped foot in a church for years but in this case as she is a Christian it will be more valid. I would go and sit near the exit.

silent Do you just want a discussion about how silly religion is?

derxa No, absolutely not.

I have received some excellent suggestions here that are actually very helpful - so thank you to those thoughtful, empathetic people.

The OP has clearly stated that this is uncontrollable and she does not do it on purpose.

You know, unless there is some clear neurological condition, I'd hate to be so governed by nerves, fear, and the inability to control my behavior in the simple circumstances of a church service. I'd be doing something about it: therapy, breathing, yoga, relaxation exercises.

Or telling myself that the world does not revolve around me, that no-one is looking at me, that sometimes nervousness is self-absorption & selfishness.

It's up to the OP to take control of her life, by therapy, desensitization (go to church a few times), whatever . I'd hate to be shut out of what is a very ordinary event - a wedding in a church. It's not as if she's in a rocket-launch for the Moon, or something ^really nerve-wracking. Why so passive?

It seems the atheists are more offended on here than the Christians. I am a Christian and if this is a genuine reaction that you cannot control it would not bother me a bit. But I am curious if you would be the same in a mosque, synagogue or temple or if it is that in or (UK) culture the church can be viewed as a figment of fun as thankfully no one will be attacked for doing so.

I think you will be fine OP. Religious places are not so scary, some churches can be quite nice. Even if you do not believe it all, probably even us Christians are discerning in what we believe!

Thing is, church services are so rare that putting time and effort into getting over this probably wouldn't be worth it.

It's ironic that the people telling the OP she is rude are doing so in such a rinse manner!

I half get it, in that I got the giggles during my own vows! I'm a Christian and had a church wedding and suddenly my mind went to a funny video someone had sent me a few days before and I wanted to laugh out loud! I managed not to, but must have pulled a face because afterwards a few people mentioned they thought I was about to cry!

And sometimes I do get nervous giggles, but it's only ever when Im in my own situations...not at other people's funerals or weddings etc. Try not to go with the expectation that you will laugh. Sit by an exit.and maybe read the hymn book or song sheet to distract you?

In fact I clearly say I'm indifferent to it
Well you clearly aren't if your response is to sit and snigger. What's your partner's excuse? Why do you think he finds your behaviour entertaining instead of embarrassing?

OP maybe try to think of it like its a similar setting that doesnt set you off, maybe a waiting room, ie a bit dull with muzak?

I find that some random situations get me a bit like this, its because I feel like everyones aware that im "doing it wrong" and its that feeling of "I'm a hairs-breadth away from giving myself away and everyone pointing and scowling!". Even being examined at the doctors makes me grin every time.

If you don´t believe, then you are going to an event to sing some songs, listen to some people speak and look at the pretty surroundings. Much like going to the theatre, or a concert or some other event. Do you also giggle through them, or can you control yourself in these situations? Do you giggle at work meetings with people you haven´t met before? If you can´t be in any setting you haven´t been in before without giggling, then I´d say you do have a problem. If you can behave yourself in other settings, then I´d say this problem is indeed immaturity and a lack of respect for other people´s beliefs.

It's clear that some posters, including the OP, don't really grasp how AIBU works

OP: AIBU?
Majority: YABU, here are my reasons for that opinion blah blah blah
OP: I'm not BU, you're all rude and horrible

Ehm, haven't RTFT (well, parts of it, but not everything)

You could try watching religious ceremonies on youtube? And going to a few real ones in advance (but sit in the back abd close to the exit)?

Or go to therapy.

Take a serious book to read throughout the boring bits. Just make sure your other half nudges you to stand up and sit down at the relevant moments.

Seriously though, just pull yourself together and do it for your DH.

Laughing uncontrollably at inappropriate times is a recognised problem

Yes it is. I cannot believe how many are sitting in holy juydgement and telling her to grow up. She doesn't do it for kicks!

Has this been posted by a 7 year old?

Don't go if you cannot respect other people's religion and choices.

Hopefully your partner will attend without you.

Silent

Right, if laughing like this isn't usually an issue... MAybe you could distract yourself? Sing songs backwards? Mentally bake a cake? (sorry if that has already been suggested)