Holiday tension.... WWYD

[Bellyrub1980]

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

' 3 x 25ml measures of gin in tonic'

If that's how much you'd both really had, mil does seem over sensitive. The reality is people rarely give themselves pub measures. Hard to say really, you'll obviously give your biased view. All I would say is you shouldn't both sulk and abstain, just be reasonable, only have a couple of drinks and no mooning or football chants.

I think you should heap praise on MiL for the cooking, as you are helping yourself to the food. That way she might realise how you enjoying her food is a good thing, not a bad thing.

Not sure her age or background but my family experience has that children brought up in poverty / during the war often have issues around food. They often over cater and then deny themselves something. Or my Grand-dad used to watch everyone eat almost obsessively. SFiL used to hoard food and drink in his room when he was staying, even though we always supply tonnes. And MiL grabs everything she wants and then complains that we over feed her. All war / poverty backgrounds.

Add to that, the drink issues (and I grew up with an alcoholic mother) and it is a fairly miserable life she must be having when there is any food / drink around.

But, it is your holiday too. Hope you managed to wring some pleasure out of it for you and DD and that DH is not struggling too much.

The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks).

Everything comes at a price. If your MIL is paying for everything, including your flights, then it isn't unsurprising that she feels she can control the holiday. She who pays the piper calls the tune, so to speak.

If this is the fifth time you have been their guests, you must have been aware of what was ahead.

If you want to have the holiday you want and enjoy a few drinks on holiday, you can always arrange your own holiday and pay for it yourself.

In saying that, two-year olds, swimming pools and even slightly tipsy parents can be a lethal combination. Parents really need their wits about them with young toddlers around swimming pools.

i like a drink or six but even i think its a bit off to start drinking at 4pm

Well lots of people dont, you would be horrified at us as we have wine throughout the afternoon and dont tend to drink at night.

I really feel for your MIL. She's clearly concerned about your DH's drinking and he reacts by proving her worst fears, by getting that shit-faced.

I was in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic. Everyone found the amount of beer and wine he could knock back hilarious. They didn't live with him, I did. I'm the one who saw him cross the line from 'funny student' to 'man child who drinks a bottle of wine in secret after work every day and then some'.

I begged our friends to stop encouraging him. I begged my parents to stop topping up his glass when we went out for dinner.

No one listened to me and his drinking problem escalated.

No one else had to live with him.

If your MIL is warning you about your DH's alcohol consumption, I suspect she recognises history is about to repeat itself. Genetics are hard to overcome and if he is prone to drinking himself into a state like his father, you do not want to be encouraging him to go down that road.

It is bloody miserable living with an alcoholic who is sweetness and light to his drinking buddies and full of the rage behind closed doors.

So from the perspective of armchair psychology, I think there are a couple of things going on here:

a) poor old MIL spent a long time living in a situation where she had no control, meaning she's now massively trying to control everything and,
b) by the sounds of it, you don't live in the same country as them, which means that you don't see them all that often which means she sees her son still as a child/teenager and not an adult and therefore oversteps the boundaries a bit (she says, casting a glance in the direction of her own DM)

The thing is (again, casting a glance at my DM) you can never ever call her on that. She just won't take it. I think you need to have a chat with your DH about growing the fuck up, and whether or not these holidays are a good idea in the future.

Enjoy having fun with DD in the sunshine and warm knowing that we are having lots of rain here!

Your fil sounds he may be a lot like my stepdad was with my mum. Never challenges, quietly goes about thing and anything for an easy life really. Tries to chivvy her along and be the sunnier side of life. Would that be correct?

I'd had 3 x 25ml measures of gin in tonic

Are you actually measuring them though or is that a guesstimate?

I think you're a saint. and 3 gins is not excessive.

Long day trips may be the solution, i think. and last holiday with them.

the issues between DH and MIL are for them to sort out - stay well out of it.

and good luck!!!

I am mentally doubling your intake (because evidence shows that we underestimate or lie about our alcohol intake by around 40% - sorry if you're actually super-accurate).

Does your DH have a drinking problem? Was that nasty little shit-faced episode just a one-off?

Hamlets sister makes an excellent point about wartime/rationing experience. explains my parents to a tee

I think you should stay on the reasonable side of moderation and not feel guilty or pressurised to abstain in food or alcohol. Let her perceived cats bum etc wash right over you. Continue to show her you are adults who make your own decisions responsibly. Encourage DH to do the same. Perhaps he can apologise sincerely and then lighten the mood by actually saying laughingly "sorry Mum i felt like a teenager when you were telling me off and I behaved like one in response. I was stupid"

I don't drink so have been sober many a time watching others drink. I have never met a drinker who can tell you accurately what they have drunk. They normally insist that they have had few drinks and they are always smaller. Maybe it is just the drinkers I know.

If you and your husband are both drinking in this remote place have you thought what would happen if your child was ill? Are you going to drive down those dangerous mountain roads after 3 g and ts?

You knew the house rules and chose to go so have a bit of respect when you are in someone else's home. How would you feel if you invited someone round to yours and they started watching porn when your child was there, or got drunk and vomited on your sofa?

Your husband needs to apologise to his mother, his behaviour was ridiculous. How do you think his mother felt seeing her adult son mooning round the swimming pool? I agree with you and your MIL, how childish.

Continue to show her you are adults who make your own decisions responsibly. Well the husband needs to show her he can behave like an adult as going by his drunken behaviour by the pool he won't be continuing but making a fresh start.

Your MIL and your DH both sound pretty hard to be with, tbh. She does sound to be over controlling, he does sound to be an insensitive berk. He shouldn't be acting like this- he isn't being a decent father or partner or guest. She shouldn't think she has a right to police your food intake or judge your parenting. At the same time I sympathise with them both to some extent- she lived with an alcoholic, of course she's hyper sensitive to other's use of alcohol; he is a grown man, of course he feels resentful and fed up when he perceives his mother is ignoring the fact that he's an adult.
I'd expect my DH in this situation to stop being so selfish and irresponsible and twatty, and I wouldn't go on this holiday ever again. I really feel for you, it sounds as if you're caught in the middle of all this, trying to keep everyone happy and bearing the brunt of other adult's behaviours.

If a vegetarian invited you to have a holiday with them but made it clear they don't have food in the house would you go and buy some steak and cook it? I don't think anyone would think that was reasonable. Their house, their rules.

I don't think she should be judging your eating as long as there is plenty for everyone.

Agreeing that there is o such thing as a free lunch.

I'd suggest that ing day trips out with your toddler are the way forward. Can you afford to hire a car?

Make this your last holiday with them, it doesn't sound like a holiday at all.

his mother is ignoring the fact that he's an adult. Maybe if he acted like an adult there'd be less confusion?

It's all very well to say 'Give the MIL some slack, her ExH was an alcoholic', but that's not the only problem, is it? Raising her eyebrows over OP having second helpings of food? Complaining that her son is being childish when she treats him (and OP) as a child?

"As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her."
This paragraph is quite telling, Bellyrub1980. About her behaviour, but also about yours. Simply put, you lack self-esteem, because most women would absolutely bristle at your MIL's behaviour. Whereas you accept it almost without demur. You think you lack self control and that you disgust her , and you see her behaviour towards you as YOUR FAULT. No - it's her CHOICE to look down her nose at you and your husband ( and, I would suspect, a large proportion of the world). And your response to her is to spend the rest of your non-holiday teetotal.

I think you should have a think about why you knuckle under to her so easily, because honestly, in this situation you really shouldn't. You are an adult being treated like a naughty disappointing child - it's not on.

I absolutely agree with ChasedByBees - "I think to get this back to an 'adult-adult' footing, you need to have a grown up chat with MIL. Tell her that you are adults and do not need your food and alcohol intake monitored. That the atmosphere on the holiday is poor - from behaviour on both sides - but that the outcome of that will be that this could be the last holiday like this. Whilst your DH shouldn't have responded like that, he only did it because he's being treated like a child."

A talk is definitely required. As is not going on holiday there again.

OP, you sound perfectly reasonable to me. I would keep on as you are. Keep your head down, as they say, and don't holiday with them like this again.

You can't eat or drink what you like on your holiday. That's crap.
You are continually being judged by your MIL. That's crap too.
You are being reprimanded by your MIL when you don't so as she expects. That's also crap.

Why would you go anywhere with them again?

Jta, Mil's attitude to your eating is what's disgusting here, NOT you.

Notwithstanding all the background and the good advice you have had upthread: we experienced such combined holidays and the best ones were when we realised that we should have our own routine a lot of the time and adjust on the big sticking points, so for example we'd go out with toddler first thing just the two of us while the older generation gently and slowwwwwley progressed their morning routine. We'd also go out in the hire car and make a long job of the supermarket shop stopping for a nice coffee and cake 😀 We'd plan in days out around toddler friendly activities and olders were invited but we packed picnic lunches to avoid the inevitable toddler in restaurant scenario and resulting raised eyebrows.
Nothing in life is free btw even if the cost can not be seen in your bank balance.
In our case we were playing our part fulfilling their dreams (badly some of the time). We don't do it anymore but if we did we would have separate accommodation!