Holiday tension.... WWYD

[Bellyrub1980]

Right, to set the scene: Me, my DH, DD, MIL and SFIL are here together on holiday. It is actually my in-laws house half way up a mountain in a warm corner of Europe. It has a pool and is pretty idyllic all round. However it is very remote, nothing around for about 30 min drive. No public transport. Dodgy mountainside roads that aren't safe to walk or cycle on. The In-laws have kindly paid for our flights and refuse to take any money for us staying here and eating their food (which they insist on cooking, and they are brilliant cooks). We're very very lucky.

However, the holiday does come with some T's and C's. It is very well-to-do, middle class, civilised etc. It is very pleasant but very... erm... 'controlled' I think is the right word. In fact, the theme of the holiday could well be 'Everything in moderation'. This is slightly at odds with my idea of a holiday which is more 'everything to excess' .... but I didn't pay for this holiday so I'm willing to go with the flow. This is our 5th-ish time out here as a couple/family.

As a background point, MIL has always monitored how much I eat. She literally raises her eyebrows if I go for second helpings because I'm overweight. It grinds me slightly, but is just a foible of hers and for the most part I ignore it and do my best to have some self control so as not to disgust her.

But anyway, here is the issue...

On day 3 after dinner, MIL stands up and states how she cannot understand why DH (my DH that is, not her DH) has to drink so much. She then turns to me and says I'm not much better. She is upset because DH's biological father is/was an alcoholic. She cannot stand people drinking to access. I agree that my alcohol tolerance has 'improved' lately and DH rolls his eyes and says 'I'm on holiday mum'. And that's that. Off she goes to bed. I didn't say more because I was totally stunned by the confrontation and I'm rubbish with thinking on the spot. Plus I had 3 gins inside me.

I must admit I was pretty annoyed at the accusation of drinking too much. I certainly wasn't drunk and the gin I was drinking was bought by us at the airport. Plus I'm nearly 40, so im really not accustomed to somebody monitoring my alcohol consumption. I had a good old rant to my friend via text and decided I'd continue the holiday booze-free so as not to cause any more upset.

The thing is, my only experience of family holidays (pre-meeting my DH) is to spend all day in the pool messing about, eating whatever we like and drinking from about 4/5pm. No rules. Just having a laugh. I appreciate not all families are like this, but this is my default setting for a holiday if you will. So it is an adjustment for me to be so controlled on holiday. But I'm trying to remind myself.... it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday, it's a free holiday.... and just be greatful.

Yesterday DH, who seems to have fully regressed into a teenager rebillion mode, gets completely shit faced, singing football (?!) chants whilst mooning and dancing around the pool drunk. Eyebrows are raised. MIL is not impressed. We go out for dinner (against my advice) and whilst he goes to the loo MIL asks me why he decided to get so drunk. I explain I'm not sure why, but I think it's an act of defiance. "How very childish" is the response.... and I have to agree.

The atmosphere now is terrible. MIL and DH basically are at loggerheads. DH is in a terrible mood and is not at all fun to be around. Our DD is always a heartbeat away from a tantrum (she's 2) and how I 'parent' her is constantly being watched and critiqued. I just literally can't relax now, and there are 5 days to go. I plan to keep my head down and stay out of the way as much as I can until we go home. But I'm interested to hear... WWYD?

'Its does seem to me that on MN, if anyone gets drunk ever then they have a problem, which is just as silly as under reacting to someone getting drunk every day'
When you accept a free holiday you perhaps should consider the feelings of the others who are paying for free holiday. The dm may have a short fuse with people being pissed and who can blame her.

People who drink too much are like people who eat too much, often in denial, often trying to excuse it and usually blaming everyone and everything else.

Agree Pynognang

I think that's quite unfair. Most people worried about a loved ones drinking would talk to them as a first port of call wouldn't they?

No I disagree, I have a family of them sadly and there is no way I would without proper training try and tackle any of their abuse esp one who like ops son would react in that way and go and get pissed.

But I know their personalities.

if people are drinking to extreme its because there are underlying issues in their life, you tackle those issues ( if you are adept at doing so ) not the result of them - the drinking. But at the end of the day most people understand no one can help the drinker until the drinker wants help.

It sounds like mil addressed him like a naughty school boy rather than in a soft serious way and she got the naughty school boy back in return .

It being a trigger for the MIL doesnt alter the fact that one bender does not make someone an alcoholic.

My mother is shocked by anyone wanting more than one glass of wine, it doesnt mean that two glasses is outrageous.

A lot of people drink more on hols than they do the rest of the time, the same way a lot of people start drinking much earlier at Xmas. I personally dont drink before 4 pm at the absolute earliest at Xmas and usually later as I fall asleep, but that doesnt mean I assume that anyone who does has a problem!

And the MIL having an issue with drinking due to her ex's behaviour would suggest that her idea of "safe" drinking levels is no alcohol at all, understandably. However that would suggest that her idea of "too much" may be skewed as a result.

Perhaps your MIL is worried about your DH repeating the same patterns of behaviour as his biological father displayed. Perhaps she's worried about the effect that this will have upon not only you (maybe she's recognising herself within you?) but - perhaps more importantly - your daughter. Who may be only 2 years old, but will be soaking all of this in. Like a sponge. Not all 2 and 3 year olds are "a heartbeat away from a tantrum", incidentally... but if the atmosphere/behaviour around her is as you describe, then it's little wonder that she's misbehaving!

I suggest communicating with your MIL like the 40 year old adult woman you claim to be. Because, frankly, you sound as petulant and childish as your husband is described as being (mooning and drunkenly singing football chants around his parents poolside...?! More the behaviours of a teenager drunk on cheap booze for the first time, than a man old enough to be a husband and father, I'm afraid! As your MIL said: how childish.

Talk with your MIL. Ask her why she is so concerned about you both. Allay her worries and fears a little, and she's stop being "so controlling" of you both. I'm willing to bet that she's stepped up as mum again, because she feels that she has no other choice but to, as there's a toddler in the middle of this horribly immature (on your parts) situation.

If you want a boozy, larking around holiday where you can behave like you're 18 years old again... don't holiday with your inlaws, and certainly don't holiday with your own child in tow... Problem is, OP, you're not 18 years old and free of responsibilities anymore. Neither is your husband. I suggest that you have a good look at yourselves, and then at your daughter and do the decent thing.

Grow up.

For her sake.

The holiday might be "free" but everything comes at a cost. Ditto the others that have suggested to just get through the week, and be sure to remember these events when the ILs try to book you in again for next year...

I actually have a pretty great relationship with my parents but there's no way in hell I'd holiday with them.

People who drink too much are like people who eat too much, often in denial, often trying to excuse it and usually blaming everyone and everything else

we dont know how much they drink normally op did say she was on holiday when they like to drink more.

Is this ops mils job to show them this if its true?

Op your on hols, this is their day to day normal life -they live there....just dont go again. Ever.

and make sure you show mil your rules if she has to visit you in future. Clearly thats acceptable!

Oh, I'm more than happy to have a good few drinks on holiday.

Just not to 'singing and mooning' levels, while I'm the guest of an ex-spouse of an alcoholic, AND in charge of a 2-year-old, AND in a villa with a pool.

Context is everything.

*she's likely to stop being so controlling

Dammit, I can proof-read

I would have a bit more sympathy for you if you were very young, if this was the first time you had holidayed with them and the issues had come as a shock. But, you are forty, you have know about the alcoholism and the impact it had and moreover this is the fifth time you have accepted their hospitality/free holiday.

Next time pay up, go on your own holiday do your own catering and get as ratarsed as you want.

'If you want a boozy, larking around holiday where you can behave like you're 18 years old again... don't holiday with your inlaws, and certainly don't holiday with your own child in tow... '

Yes that does seem the obvious solution to the ops 'wwyd?'

Next time pay up, go on your own holiday do your own catering and get as ratarsed as you want.

That's kind of where I stand.

He drinks during the day and acts like an idiot? When he has a child to look after?
I totally agree with your mil.

Where did the OP say that she wanted a booze soaked 18-30 type holiday?

She described what her hols where like pre DH/DC, she didnt say that she wanted that sort of holiday now, just one where her alcohol intake isnt monitored to the nth degree on the back of her having 3 drinks.

Well maybe your professional training helps you to know that roses but I don't agree that a person gradually becoming concerned about excessive drinking by a loved one is stupid for trying to talk first. That's just what people do. Rarely does someone realise that the drinking that's creeping in is the sign of the commencement of a full blown alcohol problem.

Roseandvioletcreams:
'I have a ton of experience with alcoholism and speaking to a potential or would be or alcoholic like mil has done is the wrong thing to do.

If Mil is truely worried about her son and she feels she can offer help and advice then she needs to do it properly and find out proper help and advice.

•What we do know is - her concern has caused her son to be childish. Perhaps she has no clues to her sons personality at all or is really stupid or all or both.'

You don't have much experience of dealing with families affected by alcoholism by the sounds of it though. To call MIL stupid and clueless is extremely unfair. She may seemingly have gone about expressing her concerns in the 'wrong' way in this instance, but in my experience there is no right way to address another's drinking, particularly when there's a genuine concern for problem drinking.

How, with all your knowledge and experience, would you have handled the situation better?

Hi! OP here.

Just reading through replies with dodgy on/off internet connection.

I tried my best not to drip feed info in my first post but think, from the replies, that I need to clear a few things up.

The night MIL confronted me it was after our toddler had gone to bed. It was about 9.30pm and I'd had 3 x 25ml measures of gin in tonic. The first one being at 6pm, an hour before putting DD to bed. I was not drunk. DH wasn't drunk either, he'd had about the same amount. But MIL is very sensitive to any alcohol and I must admit I'd forgotten just how sensitive she is. And quite fair enough given her history with her ex-DH. Like pretty much everyone has said, I should have taken this into consideration. But.... I wasn't drunk by my own 39yr old standards! And I'm more used to making my own judgement about these things. Nevertheless, not a drop more alcohol has passed my lips since out of respect for her.

My increase in alcohol tolerance is literally that since being pregnant with our DD I haven't really drank at all. But in the last few months have had the odd glass of wine at the weekends. Half a glass of wine would send me spinning before. Now it doesn't.

When I was talking about family holidays being drinking from 4/5.... that's when I was growing up. We went away in big groups, aunties uncles and cousins. I was the youngest of my generation so my cousins were old enough to drink. That's just what my family did. I was a kid and then a teenager and I started joining in at around the age of 17. I'm used to holidays being very noisy. Mooning at the pool would make my parents laugh. My family drink and have fun but are not alcoholics by any stretch. My mum, granny and uncle were always stone cold sober by the way, if anyone is worried about my safety in the pool.

I was certainly not drunk while my daughter was in the pool and never would be.

DH's relationship with alcohol is different. He grew up watching his alcoholic father. Whichever PP said he's digging his heels in, probably like his DF did.... this does ring true. His mum worries a great deal about his drinking which she has absolutely every right to.

Anyhoo, today he has apologised to them. I've asked him to please please stay off the drink for his mums sake and he has said he will.

We're going out for the day..... kind of dreading it. Terrible atmosphere!

Me and DD sticking together having fun.... let the others get on with it I guess!

She was married to an alcholic - she's obviously not going to react well to seeing her DS get drunk - particularly now you have a DC, it probably reminds her of a very dark time.

If she doesn't spend much time with you in the evenings otherwise, then your 'holiday excess' could be interpreted by her as 'how you drink all the time'.

Cut her some slack.

However, your DH turning into a sulky teenager isn't on - he's an adult, and should act like one. His throwing a tantrum would embarrass me and upset me more. I would refuse to go on holiday with PILs again, and would be having strong words with him about not acting like a childish twat.

our DH ought to growup and not leave you to the parenting (and the fallout from his mother) while he acts up

agree ^

TBH I think that you are being a bit insensitive when she has lived with an alcoholic

my DH can't drink for medical reasons.
Sometimes being around a 'sensitive non drinker/ex smoker' is horrendous!

Re. Food! Here's how it goes....

Huge bowls of lovely food are brought to the table. Enough to feed 8 people easily and there are 4 of us adults. FIL says 'come on everyone, dig in and have more or it will go to waste' (love him!!!) So I dig in and MIL has cat bum face and raises eye brows.

It's literally like having the dietary angel and devil at the table.

FIL absolutely is the voice of reason by the way. I feel like he's the only sane person here. But he quietly gets on with things, DIY type stuff, around the house. Don't really blame him!!!

Well done OP. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday.