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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband moans whilst eating.

162 replies

CrapTonOfKids · 15/05/2017 21:36

I can't stand it! It's like this quiet, almost inaudible groan. A bit of a sex noise if I'm honest. I can't sit next to him at the dinner table because it makes me want to stab him with my fork. Speaking of which, he also holds his fork like a toddler, scooping with his fist facing downwards. I didn't pay much attention in the beginning of our relationship. Now I can't bear to watch him eat. His mother does it too. She gesticulates at the table with her cutlery in her hands! I caught one of our kids doing it, so being a responsible mother, I explained the importance of good table manners. It is important right? Please tell me I ANBU?

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 15/05/2017 22:34

I don't have the fork problem as DH will usually only eat with a tablespoon.

He also pours bottles of sauces on his meal - so if its fish he'll add anything that you normally get with different types of fish - ALL of it, so with steamed cod he'll have vinegar, ketchup and tartare sauce. If there is a salad anywhere on his plate he'll have to get salad dressing. He normally has around about a quarter of a pint mayo on a side salad plus half a bottle of dressing - we go through pints of it. Everything is made into an emulsion, but only once its cold. He can't add all the condiments and sauces and then eat hot food, only cold. He then spoons all the emulsion in with the tablespoon. He often comments on a meal if its not to his liking saying "I like lots of licker" with a sad face. He also likes to have cooking oil on his food.

Oh thought of another one, when we are taking portions from serving bowls when it comes to his turn to take a serving he ALWAYS says "so no one wants this then?" and tips the entire contents on his plate. Even if we are other peoples houses.

Patio is too good for him.

Original poster
CrapTonOfKids · 15/05/2017 22:34

I meant "eating things like" not "eating hangs like". Damn autocorrect.

OP posts:
Shodan · 15/05/2017 22:35

STBXH used to eat sloshily. Too much spit in his mouth I think (as also evidenced by spitty kissing ) He also used to sit cross-legged on the sofa, plate on lap, and hunch over it until his face was about three inches away from the food. I swear he would have hoovered it up if he could.

Anyway. He still doesn't know how close he came to having his face shoved into his food. I tried everything but he never changed (he even used to whine if I left the room while he was eating)

So I left him.

(Obviously not just for that but by God it was high on the list)

Pigface1 · 15/05/2017 22:35

Oh OP this would drive me completely insane.

My DH clinks his cutlery against his teeth. It makes me shudder. Not just because it's bad manners but think of the damage he must be doing to his teeth??

This is hard to describe but my DM eats ice creams by letting her tongue hang out of her mouth limply and moving the ice cream against it. I can't be around her when she has ice cream.

MrsChopper · 15/05/2017 22:36

Officer that is exactly what my MIL does! Waits, takes a huuuge bite/forkful, then with her mouth full tells you about Margaret. You know Karen from number 6's sister's ex husband's auntie. Hmm

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/05/2017 22:38

There's room under my patio for one more...you're welcome to it...

MsJudgemental · 15/05/2017 22:43

Trinity Thanks for the link! Just printed it and will sellotape it to DH's place at the table. Now, how to stop the tea / soup slurping......told him off for it again tonight but does it every time. Gives me the rage. Angry

Original poster
CrapTonOfKids · 15/05/2017 22:44

Sounds like there's a waiting list for your patio!

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 15/05/2017 22:45

OMG Staples - he eats with a tablespoon?? Fucking kill him. Angry

LadyRoseate · 15/05/2017 22:45

my DM eats ice creams by letting her tongue hang out of her mouth limply and moving the ice cream against it

I feel ill just reading that! BOAK

KurriKurri · 15/05/2017 22:46

God my XH used to do this - a sort of deep grunting hum whenever he ate.

Cereal was the worst because he added spoon tapping on the side of the dish.
Tap tap tap tap HUUUHNNNNRRRGG chomp chomp
Tap tap tap tap HUUUHNNNNRRRGG chomp chomp hmmmmnnmnmmmzzz.

Note 'X' H.

CrystalTits · 15/05/2017 22:46

SheRaaargh that has made me laugh out loud Grin

My DH claims he has 'thin skin' as the reason why we all hear every single chew, bite, crunch and swallow. I swear I will go to my grave asking him, "Can you PLEASE eat more quietly?" in the manner of the long suffering wife on The Fast Show...

Any chance of a rota on the sub-patio space?

ScarletForYa · 15/05/2017 22:47

Kill him.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 15/05/2017 22:47

I nearly laughed myself inside out reading this.
I have noticed that table manners seem to have been dropped of somewhere.
I had some mums and kids over for a meal. The kids sat at the table with me and clearly were not used to it all. The kids tried so hard and did well, the mums sat away from the table and ate in the same manner as OP's diagram.

I watch loads of food type programmes on tv and cutlery handling seems most odd.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 15/05/2017 22:48

PS to the above there was space for the mums at the table but they chose not to join the DCs and me

Naicehamshop · 15/05/2017 22:48

My dh has got into the habit of eating ice lollies (I know... Confused) and the slurpy licky noises are DRIVING ME ROUND THE BLOODY BEND.

wordlemcfuddle · 15/05/2017 22:49

GrinGrinGrin hahahahah this reminds me of the scene in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels where Ruprict (Steve Martin) is slurping his food then stabs himself in the eye with his fork that has a cork on!

supersop60 · 15/05/2017 22:50

OP - I feel for you.
My DP's worst thing (there are many) is that when he's eating cereal he lifts the spoon close to his mouth, and then slurps really loudly and kind of inhales the food. I swear I have seen cornflakes jump across the gap between mouth and spoon. Why can't he just put it IN his mouth like normal people? Same with soup and any drink.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/05/2017 22:58

Living this thread Grin

YouWhatMate · 15/05/2017 22:58

Sounds vile. I've heard one or two people eating like that in my life, and it always made me feel really sick. It's disgusting, but it's also very weird.

MadreRumba · 15/05/2017 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadySalmakia · 15/05/2017 22:59

Staplescorner I am... I can't even. You are a stronger woman than I.

I mean, I like a sauce with my food, I'm definitely an autocondimenter, but jesus. There's a limit, you know. No jury of your actual peers would convict you should you choose the patio route.

YouWhatMate · 15/05/2017 23:00

Eating noises and bad table manners are a huge turn off. Yanbu

Yeah, I don't know how you lot get past the first few dates with these men, let alone marry them. I'm sure you can all do better!

QuietNameChange · 15/05/2017 23:01

Send him to the mail equivalent of "finishing school" or whatever they call it nowadays? Classes on this must exist somewhere...

QuietNameChange · 15/05/2017 23:02

*male

not mail ;)

There are many famous schools but also classes for business people etc where I grew up (in Switzerland).