MIL watering down my fairy liquid

[Whack]

The thread title sounds trivial and I know it is but it's driving me nuts. DH and I have recently celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary and this has been ongoing throughout married life.

MIL is on her own, and only really has us. She is a 20 minute bus ride away and will come to our house approx 4 times a week to see DH who WFH. (This annoys me as if he's working she should let him work IMO. He's too soft to tell her he is busy as if he does she flounces off telling him he's rude.)

She means well but IMO has an issue with boundaries. Her issue is, she doesn't have any boundaries. She likes to "help" although I've never asked for any of the help. DH however does appreciate it and for the sake of peace I have stopped making a fuss about her coming to our house when I'm at work and cleaning. It's tricky because I appreciate some elements of it but the boundaries are non existent, eg. Folding my knickers in my knicker drawer, leaving little items for us she thinks will be useful (but I just see as clutter) etc. Some things like hoovering and cooking are appreciated so for the most part I bite my tongue although I wish she would ask me first instead of doing it all the time.

She is quite sensitive to any kind of confrontation/ questioning and would be deeply aggrieved if I said this and/ or just ignore me and carry on. Also DH is wonderful in many ways but very over protective of his mother and thinks I'm being mean if I criticise her over any of this.

One thing in particular I want to put a stop to is she always waters down our fairy liquid. So the first few days worth of squirts are normal and then one at you turn up the bottle and go to squirt some in the sink and it pours out like water. It's so annoying! Also I resent that she does it in my home! It's a small thing but it's bloody maddening.

How can I stop this in a sensitive way? I don't want to upset her and I sometimes think I should put up with it as anyone will think it's really petty, but I don't like watery washing up liquid!

Our cleaner at work was watering down the Fairy liquid, I asked the company he works for three times to tell him not to (he doesn't speak English) and it kept happening. So I sacked them and got a new company in and although he transferred they have managed to stop him doing it.

I think the dh here quite likes his mum going into the bedroom "pottering" because he is working and it keeps her out of his way. He's never going to tell her to stop that, he'd have to tell her to stop coming and that would mean he'd have to grow the fuck up!

It's infantalising.

Breaking out in a cold sweat here remembering my 2nd H's mother and her total lack of boundaries. She bought a rug for the bottom of our stairs as "all stairs need a rug at the bottom" and put it down while I was at work so didn't even pretend to hand it over as a present more of a fait accompli.
We hated nets so the house didn't have any. I came back from work one day to find that she had put nets up at the windows. She sulked for weeks when we took them down again. Her son was useless at standing up to her, one (but not the main) reason he is an ex.

I can't imagine fancying the sort of man who wants to be babied by his mother like that and would seek to pacify a mother keen to take over his life and home rather than his wife. It seems very unmasculine, not that my husband's macho but he hates being mothered.
My son now 20 also hates being mothered now (but was very cuddly as a wee boy) and I see that as a good thing.
I'll go and help clean his student flat occasionally if I'm visiting him, but I certainly wouldn't go round and clean if he was married because I can't think of anything better to do with my time, especially if I'd been asked not to by his (future) wife. Some MILs and their sons seem stuck in a time warp.

According to Mumsnet any man who has any sort of relationship with his mother or enjoys her company is infantilized or has issues or needs to cut the apron strings. Or is "unmasculine" ffs! Fine for women to have good relationships with their mothers, though..........

BertrandRussell

Are you trying to be stupid? This isn't a good relationship, it's an invasion of personal space and ignoring the wishes of the homeowner — and yes, I think a man not standing up for his wife is very unmasculine. Just like a woman not standing up for her husband is unfeminine

This isn't about normal relationships though, of course a good son and mother bond is a positive thing. It's about overstepping boundaries. Going into a grown childs/inlaws underwear drawer is wrong and weird.

Well, I don't see putting someone's washing away is wierd. But how about" Please could you leave my washing on the bed? I like to put it away myself."

But then, I don't find underwear shocking.......

This would really annoy me!
Next time,
Pick up the phone and ring her. Tell her you know she keeps
Telling you she's not done xyz but today you've come home and somebody has been in your private underwear drawers, and the fairy liquid has been watered down - corner her when it happens and don't let her wrifflwmout - if she says I didn't do it, ask her if she thinks you're lying or something

God this would really irritate me!

Bertrand she folds the knickers already in her drawer, and denys it when asked not to.

Nellie - apparently he said he did it to save money. Our money, not his, he doesn't buy the cleaning products with his own money. Weird.

It drove me insane because he would leave 2 or 3 bottles out, all half filled with green water, and all sloshing about if you needed to use them. He did it with the hand wash too. Now he has stopped and the side of the sink is all tidy and neat. I had to change cleaning company just for that!

I remember my nan saying to me years ago 'these new concentrated washing up liquids are all very well, but you have to dilute them', I said 'yes, with the water in the washing up bowl?'. To be fair, she was about 80 and it was her wul so she could do as she pleased.

Agree that in a healthy mother/ son or mother DIL relationship the older woman would not be rummaging around drawers unasked, especially when she's been asked not to. My husband doesn't rummage in my knicker drawer (well not that he tells me anyway), my dad certainly doesn't, my mum left me to tidy my own underwear away from the age of about 12.
Diluting other people's household substances with water is weird, especially if you've been asked not to.
When your sons grow up and become men they don't need mothering. Time for their mothers to find a hobby/job/circle of friends.
My husband sees his parents regularly, he goes round there for dinner once a week and chats to them (I'm doing something else that evening and they live near his work). That is a normal parent/ adult son relationship. Thankfully his mum has no desire to come and clean our house and rummage in our bedroom and malevolently dilute the washing up liquid.

Yes, definitely don't let her wrifflwmout - that would be awful!

I sometimes do pass-agg responses like "OMG, someone must have broken into the house cause all my knickers have been rifled through, I'm going to call the police and report it in case I find out anything is missing".

The ex (who annoyingly I still have to live with for now) claimed the oil had been stolen. Apparently despite the fact ex is in the house all the time and despite the fact there was 200 litres left, and despite the fact for some reason ex didn't want to ask the two neighbours who have CCTV if they caught anything, he refused to call the police and report it so we could get a crime number and claim on the insurance. He couldn't believe that he and his son had just used it all by keep turning the thermostat up to 30. But, he refilled it at his own cost when I said I would call the police and report it!

I'd be putting the dildo/cock ring/buttplug in the husbands pants drawer tbh.

I love these threads, make me realise how lucky I am to have an octogenarian MIL whose interests extend to smoking, drinking and sitting in her chair ..... 250 miles away!!

Bertrand - she's been asked not to do it. The OP's DH doesn't stop her, knowing it'll piss off his wife, but takes the 'easy' option of just letting his mother treat their home as hers and do what she likes, knowing it'll upset his wife, because he'd rather his wife was annoyed at his mum than his mum was annoyed at him for being told 'no'.

The OP should stop getting annoyed at her MIL, but get angry at her DH for not stopping his mother. If it's obvious that the MIL needs to be supervised in the house as she can't be trusted to leave things alone when she's been asked politely to, then the OP's DH needs to supervise his mother while she visits. If that doesnt' fit with his working from home, then he has to tell his mother to leave as he has to work and no, she can't just potter around by herself because she has form with fucking about with other people's stuff, in a way she knows upsets them.

As often, a MIL problem is caused by a DH chosing his wife to be the one upset, not his Mum, and that's ok because the person the wife gets upset at is the MIL, not him. OP - start shouting at him and blaming him for his mother's behaviour. That's more likely to have a positive effect than having yet another polite word with your MIL.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

What I really don't like is the unsolicited "help" and then sulking if I'm not deemed grateful enough. For those defending her, would you ever go into someone else's home and do what these MILs do? Fold their washing, water down their fairy liquid, put their food in the fridge?! I think the MILs want to feel like they live with their sons.

My MIL often says her dream is to live with us or next door. I actually really like her but this ain't happening 😂 Thankfully DP doesn't want it even more than me. Let your children fly the nest and stay flown!

Thankfully his mum has no desire to come and clean our house and rummage in our bedroom and malevolently dilute the washing up liquid

*OP - start shouting at him and blaming him for his mother's behaviour. That's more likely to have a positive effect than having yet another polite word with your MIL

According to Mumsnet any man who has any sort of relationship with his mother or enjoys her company is infantilized or has issues or needs to cut the apron strings

This is not true at all. On MN many dils come on to talk about MILS like ops who do not respect boundaries. There are also hundreds of poster on here who I am sure enjoy a great MIL relationship and their DH have fab normal relations with their own DM too.

Why would these posters come on to talk about that? There isnt much to chat about is there.

Take advantage of her willingness to help by getting her to do all of the gardening as well. That leaves you free to stay cosy inside and guard the bottle.

Seriously OP, I feel you. My advice is: start drinking heavily. No, not really, but My MIL is so awful that even reading "MIL" gives me the shits.

Apparently Aldi washing up liquid is as good as Fairy.
Wanders off.

Mine never comes around without leaving cake. It drives me absolutely crazy. And no one will ever understand because how can you say "I'm so annoyed, this person never comes to my house without leaving cake" but it does drive me bonkers.

That and throwing out my dishcloth.

Both drive me crazy.