MIL watering down my fairy liquid

[Whack]

The thread title sounds trivial and I know it is but it's driving me nuts. DH and I have recently celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary and this has been ongoing throughout married life.

MIL is on her own, and only really has us. She is a 20 minute bus ride away and will come to our house approx 4 times a week to see DH who WFH. (This annoys me as if he's working she should let him work IMO. He's too soft to tell her he is busy as if he does she flounces off telling him he's rude.)

She means well but IMO has an issue with boundaries. Her issue is, she doesn't have any boundaries. She likes to "help" although I've never asked for any of the help. DH however does appreciate it and for the sake of peace I have stopped making a fuss about her coming to our house when I'm at work and cleaning. It's tricky because I appreciate some elements of it but the boundaries are non existent, eg. Folding my knickers in my knicker drawer, leaving little items for us she thinks will be useful (but I just see as clutter) etc. Some things like hoovering and cooking are appreciated so for the most part I bite my tongue although I wish she would ask me first instead of doing it all the time.

She is quite sensitive to any kind of confrontation/ questioning and would be deeply aggrieved if I said this and/ or just ignore me and carry on. Also DH is wonderful in many ways but very over protective of his mother and thinks I'm being mean if I criticise her over any of this.

One thing in particular I want to put a stop to is she always waters down our fairy liquid. So the first few days worth of squirts are normal and then one at you turn up the bottle and go to squirt some in the sink and it pours out like water. It's so annoying! Also I resent that she does it in my home! It's a small thing but it's bloody maddening.

How can I stop this in a sensitive way? I don't want to upset her and I sometimes think I should put up with it as anyone will think it's really petty, but I don't like watery washing up liquid!

Agree with just being blunt with her. I would have a chat with her saying how you love seeing her but would like her to remember it's your house not hers and respect your privacy a bit by not going in your bedroom and opening your drawers. Also ask her to stop watering down the fairy liquid because you prefer it thick.
I think it's better to clarify boundaries early then have a good relationship than simmer with resentment for years.
Your husband has to realise your feelings matter as much if not more than his mum's and that this is your home.

I would also tell her that you are unhappy that you're having to ask her yet again not to go in your bedroom.
Getting your husband on side is essential on this. You have to make it clear that you are his wife not his mum and he has to realise her deliberately antagonistic behaviour (re going in the bedroom when asked not to) is affecting your marriage. She also needs to get her own life.

Buy the biggest strap on dildo you can find along with a huge tub of vaseline and place in top of knicker drawer put a label on the fairy saying do not add water to MY washing up liquid , i would hate this so much

My MIL used to come round and clean and I would moan about all the little things she did that annoyed me. This was when she used to help with childcare. I never said anything to her, DH and I just used to laugh about it. Now the children are older and don't need childcare and we miss the free cleaning services! I think you are being a little mean, does she come in the day to avoid you?! The only thing I would ask her politely to stop is going into the bedroom but maybe frame it as an idiosyncrasy of yours rather than a criticism. If your DH is actually fed up with the frequency of her visits that's another matter he needs to tackle. She may need to find other ways to combat loneliness?
And yes, have another washing up liquid where she won't find it!

You need 3 bottles.

1. The hidden one.

This is the one you use but it has to be kept where she will never find it.

1. The one by the sink.

This you let get more and more watered down. At some point just keep topping it up so it's pure tap water. If it's ever mentioned then you get to do a passive aggressive shock about how on earth did that happen, WHO would do something as daft as add water.

1. The one on top of your pants in the underwear drawer.

Gaffer tape it if you must, or add some other distinctive mark. She will either see it there and know that she can't bring it down. The imprint of it will burn in her brain as she uses the tap water from the one by the sink. Or if she does have the audacity to bring it down you get to question her how she found it.

Yep, time to be blunt, and let her choose to be huffy if she wants (it will be her choice).

Also time to make it clear to DH that this is making you unhappy - at the moment he is ignoring your feelings because his mum causes more fuss.

Or you could just get some "So you're thinking about emigrating to Australia?" Leaflets and leave them in your knicker drawer. She's says she doesn't look in there

I would just casually mention to her that you have had a series of sub standard fairy bottles, and you are going to complain to Proctor & Gamble. Tell her that each bottle has a unique code on it so they can track it and find out exactly where the problem is occurring. Then go off whistling innocently.

You'd ban your husband's mother and your children's grandmother from the house because ^she put your clean washing away"? Riiiiiight. A level of up tightness previously unrecorded.

If it's uptight to not want someone to continue putting my knickers away despite having been asked many times not to, then so be it.

And referring to it as 'just putting the washing away' is a tad disingenuous. There can't be many people who would welcome their ILs delving into their underwear drawer, no matter how good their relationship.

It's disrespectful of the Mil to ignore the OP's requests about what she does in the OP's own home.

You're going to have to glitter bomb your knicker drawer, sorry.

DH and I were staying at my parents once, and my mother "helpfully" ironed DH's jeans for him, including ironing a lovely big creased line into the middle of the front of them (fuck knows why, she may have thought it was fashionable). She presented them to him in a Mrs Doyle style with a big smile He is a much nicer, kinder person than I am and actually thanked her and wore them out, I could see him trying to smooth them out at intervals.

I don't think those creases ever came out. We can laugh about it now but it was a one off. Your situation isn't so good, sorry

The flouncing and the sulking are her way of carrying on as she pleases. DH is allowing it.

You can have chat after chat with her about what you want, and threaten x y z but if she's coming round when you're not there and your DH is going to let her in and let her carry on then talking to her again is pointless.

Your problem lies with DH.

Not a MIL but i once worked with a bint who used to go through people's desk drawers after everyone had left...

We started leaving notes saying 'fuck off you cunt' and things of that ilk in the drawers and she couldn't complain about them without admitting she had been snooping

Put a big dildo and a bottle of anal lube in your knicker drawer and let her find it. Bet she's more willing to respect your privacy after that

Can you put a sticker on it that says "DO
NOT WATER DOWN"?

it would be even funnier if you put a dildo and covered it in some of that kids glue so it was a bit sticky, then if she tried to pick it up to get to the knickers she would really get a shock!

This has actually just reminded me of the one and only time we went on holiday and stayed at the same place as mil with some relatives. DH and I had left the house to go out for the day but I forgot something so popped back in.

Mil had gone straight into our bedroom and was picking up and folding clothes from my suitcase. I was and must have looked a bit taken aback because she scurried off looking sheepish. I don't doubt she was trying to be helpful but that's a boundary overstepped in my opinion. She hasn't tried it again fortunately!

As a mil myself I think her behaviour is awful. She's seeing you both as her children and not imdeoendanr sdults. She needs a life of her own. You need your dh onside to help you set her boundaries and get herself a life.

Your problem is your dh.

Forget the silly dildo nonsense you need to treat each other as grown ups and have an action plan so everyone knows where they stand and what's acceptable

Out of interest, if the dh concerned actually likes having his mother visiting and pottering round, does the dil have the right to insist that he doesn't allow it any more?

does the dil have the right to insist that he doesn't allow it any more?

I think it depends on how much its affecting the Dils day to day life in her own home.
We all have a right to peace and tranquillity in our home and the right to go about our day to day lives without feeling anxiety or upset due to a third party ( or anyone in the home).

So at what point does his wife's mental well being trump the feelings of his mother.

I love the leaving dildos and toy tarantulas in the drawer, maybe even a book on interfering MILs. Mine rearranged my wardrobe and all my drawers whilst we were on holiday. I had a feeling she might so I had to take my sex stuff on holiday!
She also offered to move our suitcases when we were changing rooms at a villa we were sharing.. I expected her to just move them but she folded all my dirty underwear. Fucks sake.

From what I read the op isn't insisting mil doesn't visit it's rather she respects quite normal boundaries.

Also her dh is supposed to be working!

My view is this is tricky as I think the dh probably enjoys his mum fussing round him

I find older people have no concept of boundaries. My grandmother tried to spy on me as I was getting changed and was UPSET at ME when I told her not to because there should be no secrets between us??

My mum is a slightly less bonkers version of her but equally annoying. She would come in and organise my clothes, throw things away that she thought I wasn't using, etc.

I think you'll have to adopt the broken record approach: "please don't put water in the fairy liquid, MIL." etc etc

Put a couple of large (sticky!) dildos in the sink. She'll not be watering down your Fairy after that!

I know this isn't particularly helpful OP but it gives me comfort that I'm not the only one with a MIL with boundaries issues. I will never ever understand someone who thinks it's ok to rearrange someone else's drawers in their own home, and go through private things (yes, MIL, I'm looking at you). If she didn't behave like this, I'm sure we'd have a very pleasant relationship. It's like she can't handle the fact that she's no longer needed in the same way, although she is obviously still a mother and now a grandmother.
I would never embarrass my own son like this.
It's taken many conversations but DH has finally had a word with his mum and she no longer goes in our bedroom, but I can tell she thinks it's us who are unreasonable. Weird.

does the dil have the right to insist that he doesn't allow it any more?

Anyone has the right to insist on their things being left alone in their own home - if the OP didn't want her MIL or even her DH messing about in her knicker drawer, then she has a right to say so. Everyone has a right to decide if they are comfortable or not with other people messing with their stuff in their own home. It's ok to decide you don't mind someone messing with your own stuff, but not someone elses. The OP isn't happy with her MIL going through her underwear, her DH might not mind his mum 'tidying' his, but knowing his wife doesn't want that, he should be stopping his mum from doing it.

It's a problem with the DH not standing up to his Mum and telling her that it's not ok for her to act this way in his home.

Oh and if it helps, my mum does shit like this in my brother's house. They've had many a fight over the years about it. She doesn't have keys to my house.