DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

[Distressed2005]

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

OK, I'll ask ... was drink involved at all?

So many red flags here, as identified by others. OP - you know how dangerous/uncomfortable this really is ('the gift of fear' is good on this if you haven't read it).

I am pretty horrified by the 'he's a hero' comments. Why is anyone saying 'he didn't square up' as though that would determine what happened next? In England (maybe whole of Britain?), even squaring up is more or less a theatrical invitation for your friends to tell you 'it's not worth it' (or fight, but it's not a given just from the squaring up). That DEFINITELY isn't the case everywhere - I have lived in places where much less would be an invitation for a serious fight. In those places you never see anyone exchange a cross word, let alone square up. I would run 10,000 miles (easy to say from the outside I realise) from someone who could not conduct themselves courteously in public (esp outside of their normal environment) - total liability.

Also: doesn't suffer fools gladly WTF? he picked a fight over a) a chair in a pub and b) some poor tout outside a tourist trap. Who's the fool?

OP - I realise that I don't know your OH and you have to be the judge. I am mainly reacting here (horrified) to some of the 'he's fine - just a bit overly keen on his version of justice' comments.

So also, aside from the aggressiveness, there's that old chestnut about observing the way that people treat others in a lower-status position than them. That incident with the restaurant host would be very telling to me. It's easy to deal with that level of hassle by a firm, pleasant "no" or similar and carry on walking, that's just how that interaction works. Someone choosing to be rude to some guy who's just doing his job is shitty, regardless of the rest of it. Again, not someone I would be interested in spending time with.

canda I agree that I too would find all of this difficult to cope with and would not want to be embarrassed in public etc. But as as I can the person who nearly picked a fight over the chair was the other man.

He sounds like a complete oaf - you're well rid.

I'd go home. Now.

I think the definition you have provided works fine in this situation. Shouting and swearing at people in the street is angry, hostile behaviour.

Being aggressive doesn't necessarily mean getting in someone's face.

I agree with rogan to be honest. It kind of feels like your main focus is "he's embarrassing ME" what if I get hurt"
He's not asking you to get involved.
He's standing up for himself. If he was starting a fight then fine but he's not really, he's telling them that was our chair or leave us alone etc.
I think he's right and you aren't compatible to be fair. You seem typical British, too polite etc and he's the opposite.
I say this as someone also very British by the way

Honestly? You'll stay. You'll have a crap holiday and in a year you'll break up and remember this exact moment. Sorry, but he's a twat.

I think it does, resulting in hostile or violent behaviour; readiness to attack or confront. Pretty hard to do either as one walks away.

But let's agree to disagree.

Big Granny Pants- have you ever used the term 'nagged' about a man?

Sorry but of a detail bit LOL! My dp nags me all the time! I deffo use this saying about men (probably more than women except my mother)

To be honest I can get a bit pissed off with these people begging you into their restaurants/bars etc. Dp is the polar opposite and doesn't care. I'm all good until they try and touch my arm (worse are the ladies putting those red bracelets on you, you have to protect your arms at all costs as they will just grab and start knotting!) I do have the tendency to tell them to fuck off if told politly and they don't take no for an answer.

I think your DP was rude and it does sound like your a little incompatible, my main reason for thinking he is BU though is the whole 'don't ever question me' thing. It's a bit odd..

If you accept this behaviour it will continue. He had no intention of ending the relationship tonight- he just wanted you to fall into line. He's not standing up to bullies, he is a bully himself

The thing is, there's always a time in which you are perfectly in the right (it was his friend's chair) but nevertheless, there are good reasons to walk away- the other people are drunk, in a group, looking for a fight themselves. Sometimes the right thing to do is to keep everyone you are with safe, and that may even mean losing face/backing down, which to insecure men like the OP's partner, can be a step too far. If you have children with you, this is doubly-true. Your priority has to be their safety and not getting into confrontations with them around, even if occasionally this means biting your lip or walking away. Not every battle has to be fought.

' I don't want to be with a 'hero' (and he is to some extent, he's the first person to help anyone in trouble, no matter what's going on and the danger to him, I.e people on the street, car accidents etc. He has done both to these in the 4 years we've been together too, and thank god he had as both instances no one else was willing to step in and help people that needed medical assistance etc) '
^*
Your dp sounds like a decent bloke , let him go and find someone who will be proud of the man he is.You are being unreasonable ...what a man!*^

This ^
You don't want to be hero op? As in you don't want to help people? I can't imagine not stepping in if someone needed assistance.
I think people have read your op and concluded he's a thug but the way Iv read it is he's not actually starting fights he's saying oi that's our chair or don't be a dick etc.
You didn't mention what the chair guy said back or did in the first place to balance the story. There's picking your battles and then there's being a doormat. I'd be unimpressed if I went to the toilet and came back to no chair and nowhere to sit because my friends just let someone walk off with it.
He was rude to the restaurant worker I agree but maybe your very polite attitude annoys him as much as his attitude annoys you?
I'm surprised people are saying he's controlling because he didn't want you to keep questioning him every time this happens. I wouldn't expect dh to tell me how to behave, I'm not a child

I think this thread shows quite clearly that it's a compatibility thing with neither one of you having a moral high ground, just two different ways of looking at the world/situations like this.

I think that both of you probably got right down into the detail of the problem here:

"he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent...[he]'can't walk away when [he thinks] someone is being an arsehole"

vs

"I want to be with someone who doesn't cause drama and fuss...I don't want to be afraid to go out with someone, in case they end up in a fight.'"

Try to see past the bunfight everyone is getting into over one or the other of you being right, this isn't about being right, it's about your core values and beliefs. He believes in standing up for what he thinks is right, and values being able to do that in the way which feels right to him without being judged or blamed or making [his partner] uncomfortable; ultimately I think he probably needs his partner to actively support this and be sort of mentally cheering him on, even passive acceptance/consent probably isn't really what he is after. Whereas you value peace and harmony and believe it's better not to make a scene unless it's extremely necessary; you value having a partner who won't make uncomfortable confrontations, the whole situation of confrontation is immensely stressful to you.

These are both things which are extremely important to each of you but they clash. And I don't think that it matters that they only clash once a year or so, because the problem is it's going to come up repeatedly again and again. You can't compromise on these ones; if he stops reacting when he feels it's justified, he's going to feel guilty and resentful and like he's not doing what he feels he should. If you stop yourself from saying anything when he gets involved in something you wish he wouldn't, it's still not going to stop the anxiety, the fear of things escalating, the stress you feel at being in that situation.

I can see why he said he wanted to end the relationship, because I think he can also see the incompatibility, but I can also see why he backtracked, it does seem petty, in these kinds of situations, to end an otherwise happy relationship over something which comes up so seldom, and it is a painful decision to come to. But unfortunately I think that it's wishful thinking to hope that you can smooth over the problem because it happens occasionally; the reality is it goes further, because even if you can get to a place of acceptance - where he recognises that speaking his mind is likely to upset and frighten you, and you accept that sometimes he's going to behave in ways which you find upsetting and frightening, on the basis (for both of you) that it only happens once or twice a year, in real terms it means (for you) that you can't go out with him without worrying in the back of your mind if he's going to cause a scene, and (for him) worrying that every time he expresses an opinion it's going to piss you off. The net effect is that you can't relax in that situation, and over time it's detrimental to the relationship.

Think about it, talk about it, of course, but be honest with each other (as I think you already have been) and be honest with yourselves; which is harder - we like to convince ourselves that we can be better and more accepting than we are. But your instinct of "I feel afraid and I don't like to feel afraid" is sound and so, unfortunately, is his instinct of "I need to react in this way". If you can't cope with the other's tendencies here, it's better to break things off now than in 15 years. Of course, that doesn't mean it will be easy or painless.

(FWIW, not that I'm seeing this as a "sides" thing, but I'm definitely in your camp of finding this kind of thing aggressive and unnecessary, and it would definitely be something which stressed me out in a relationship.)

NoFucksImAQueen good post.

"helping people" - what picking fights about pub chairs and outside restaurants? Do me a favour. That sort of aggressive crap is what's wrong with society. Idiots kicking off everywhere over the smallest perceived slight.

I'm missing the part where he did anything wrong, he doesn't seem to have been actually aggressive or started a fight, just to have not taken crap from a random man behaving unreasonably. I would have said the same thing or similar and DH would have supported me too. Yet you seem almost outraged.

So he is supposed to kowtow to strange people when they are rude for your convenience? If he doesn't lick people's boots the embarrassment will be too much for you?

YANBU, you should demand he have a frontal lobotomy asap.

He is clearly addicted to drama and sounds very controlling. Doesn't like you to challenge his thinking or behaviour. Take it from me this will only get worse and the last kind of personality you would want children with. They need good role models.

Leave him while it is easy to do so!

Random man wasn't behaving unreasonably, he was doing his job in the same way as loads of people do in tourist resorts. If OP's partner thinks that's unreasonable and requires this sort of reaction, he needs not to go abroad. It's not rude in his position to ask people to come into the restaurant on successive evenings - why on earth would he recognise these two amongst the hundreds that walk past every day? And even if they didn't want to go in the previous day, it was always possible they could have changed their minds.

I admire people who stand up for themselves (and others) at all times. But by god, it can be exhausting to live with.

I think that the OP should try and stay on the holiday till the weekend,,despite all this friction,which may have been awful,,but she has been with her partner for quite a long time,and maybe things might just temper down later. Just use the time to talk.and get to grips with all things. Then if all things fail talk wise,they both can split up and go their separate ways if there can be no compromise at all.

i think this attitude of get rid of a person pronto is not too nice at all, especially as people don't know the people in question. And presumably all was probably happy when planning this Majorca holiday together.

This guy is not your Mr Right. Go find him and leave this wanker to his wankerish ways.

No wonder the English have such a bad reputation abroad, with so many people thinking that the behaviour of this twat is correct.