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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

373 replies

Distressed2005 · 15/05/2017 18:41

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 15/05/2017 21:40

Why is he backtracking now then, if he thinks he was justified? That doesn't make sense.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 15/05/2017 21:46

He unnecessarily behaved like a dickhead to people.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 15/05/2017 21:46

I've seen men kick off at people who they perceive to be 'lower' than themselves and rant at waitresses, pick fights with people in the street and generally go about life with a slight chip on their shoulder. It's horrible.

JigglyTuff · 15/05/2017 21:52

FFS some people are making the story fit their narrative. The OP wasn't encouraging, she said 'no thank you'.

It's perfectly possible to tell pushy restaurant touts that you're not interested without screaming in their faces. Most adults manage that every night of their holiday.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 15/05/2017 21:54

The norm is to be polite whilst declining.

CruCru · 15/05/2017 22:05

I used to go out with someone like this. He'd have discussions / arguments with bar staff and get us chucked out (usually when I wanted to have a nice evening).

Seriously, it's not going to get better. I'm sure you can meet someone who doesn't pick arguments with random bar touts. Just think how relaxing that would be.

CherryMintVanilla · 15/05/2017 22:07

He has blatant anger issues. Do you want to wait and see if his rage is eventually directed at you/your future dc's? There is also a real possibility that he could one day pick a fight with some people who would have no problem beating up a man and his female companion.

If I were you, I'd agree to a quiet truce for the rest of the holiday and focus on food/attractions more than each other, and have a serious think about whether you want to carry on in this relationship. Then talk about it when you get home.

EmilyBiscuit · 15/05/2017 22:13

Hope you are okay OP. Have some time to yourself and think things through. Regardless of whether his behaviour is deemed right or wrong by people on here, is it something you can live with? He is very unlikely to change. You can't make him change, and it doesn't seem like he wants to.

IonaNE · 15/05/2017 22:14

the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair'
OP, would you have wanted to "just leave it" if it had been your chair that was nicked while you went to the toilet? Or would you have wanted him to stand up to the other guy then?

TestTubeTeen · 15/05/2017 22:16

It's good that he admitted that he over reacted and apologised...,though he seems to think k that he only over reacted in telling you it was over, rather than for the incident itself!

MsGameandWatch · 15/05/2017 22:21

He'd have discussions / arguments with bar staff and get us chucked out (usually when I wanted to have a nice evening).

Did he do it more often than five times in four years?

15thaugust · 15/05/2017 22:27

His behaviour is not OK and has upset the OP because overreacting to restaurant guy is embarrassing. He is showing v poor judgement, rudeness and imo this sort of behaviour is a massive red flag. Personally my advice is stay on holiday, move to a different resort check air bnb now, and enjoy the last few days on your own when you can relax and do what you want...also being abroad alone is very empowering, you might enjoy it more than you think. ☀️

Cockadoodle · 15/05/2017 22:29

I think this thread is incompatible.... Wth reality!

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 22:31

I think Gabilan at "Mon 15-May-17 21:30:11" has totally nailed it. I don't think his actions are terrible at all. And normally I am highly critical of men!

However, i do think breaking up with you over this was very wrong. I would certainly not be quick to get back together and I would also not go home either. I would use the rest of the holiday to get my head together and work out what I wanted. His behaviour towards you was really horrible and I think he cannot take your relationship very seriously to do that.

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 22:35

I once shouted at some kids who were selling souvenirs in Indonesia. Being Indonesia where big displays of upset are very taboo they simply laughed at me. Not my finest moment! But having been followed around by people trying to sell me things for quite some time I was quite fed up. I was so distracted I nearly fell down a massive hole!

I've no idea how old you are OP or how old your dp/ex dp is but I was about 27 at the time!

Brogadaccio · 15/05/2017 22:40

He wants you to unquestioningly support him turning aggressive? even when people are ONLY doing their jobs!

He must be living on a knife edge.

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 22:41

I am quite shocked by so many posters willing to be so antagonistic of other posters and assuming negative things about posters who feel differently to them.

Did those negative voices misss the bit where the OP said...

"I think, bottom line is, I don't want to be with a 'hero' (and he is to some extent, he's the first person to help anyone in trouble, no matter what's going on and the danger to him, I.e people on the street, car accidents etc. He has done both to these in the 4 years we've been together too, and thank god he had as both instances no one else was willing to step in and help people that needed medical assistance etc) I want to be with someone who doesn't cause drama and fuss, which 99% of the time he is.

OP it is clear you are not really compatible. You feel comfortable with different things. Maybe now is the time to allow this to sink in and work out a way to walk away peacefully from each other.

If any aggression or violence is in any way turned on you, then run for the hills. But I don't think what you have described sounds like a violent or aggressive man, just someone not willing to supper fools gladly and not willing to stand by while others are in trouble.

He was rude to the restaurant tout, but he was more rude to you. I can see why he would find your behaviour frustrating, but his response was not appropriate at all.

Unless he is willing to undergo some counselling to help deal with any issues from the bullying, I would move on. And even if he is, it doesn't mean he is right for you.

Only you know what you want to do.

All the best. Thanks

MissingPanda · 15/05/2017 22:41

There's a difference between being assertive and standing up for yourself and being aggressive and confrontational. He's the latter.

OP what concerns me most though is the fact you're not allowed to question/disagree with him. That is not an healthy relationship. It may not feel it right now but you're better off without someone who is so controlling.

CruCru · 15/05/2017 22:42

MsGameandWatch It was probably at least twice a year. However, it didn't happen when he had a big evening to look forward to. Similarly, he didn't get into discussions / arguments with his boss etc.

He had free will and the ability to control himself. He chose not to sometimes when it would upset me or spoil my evening.

The OP's partner / ex can choose not to kick off at bar touts. He knows she won't like it but goes ahead regardless.

Atenco · 15/05/2017 22:42

He wasn't 'standing up to areseholes' though, shouting at a restaurant tout

This!

That is the thing and who is their right minds picks a quarrel with a drunk?

I'm a real have-a-go fool myself but even I find these two instances wrong on so many levels.

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 22:42

Brogadaccio shouting a comment at someone while walking away from them is not aggressive! People on here use "FFS" all the time. Are they all agressive?

Misstic · 15/05/2017 22:45

It is hard to say whether it is an overreaction on his part to end the relationship. For him to feel that strongly tells me that there is more to this. Otherwise, yes it would seem an extreme reaction to you simply saying to him that you did not appreciate how he handled the situation.

Sorry OP, I wish I could be more firmly on your side but I can't help but feel that the two of you are not compatible and that you played a strong role in the demise of the relationship, including him throwing in the towel whilst on holiday.

Try to make the best of the rest of the holidays. I know it won't be easy.

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 22:46

MissingPanda I do agree with you, "OP what concerns me most though is the fact you're not allowed to question/disagree with him. That is not an healthy relationship."

And if you do question him, he is not happy. I think maybe you don't make each other very happy. I think the way he has responded to you is the issue, not shouting at someone who is trying to get you into a restaurant.

Megbert · 15/05/2017 22:49

Shouting swear words at people is aggressive regardless of what direction you are walking.

It's also incredibly embarrassing for anyone who has the misfortune of being with you while you do it.

So, on the whole, it's a pretty shitty way to behave.

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 23:00

Mrgbert I am not sure what definition of aggression you are using but this one...

aggression
əˈɡrɛʃ(ə)n/
noun
feelings of anger or antipathy resulting in hostile or violent behaviour; readiness to attack or confront.
"his chin was jutting with aggression"
synonyms: hostility, aggressiveness, belligerence, bellicosity, antagonism, truculence; More
the action of attacking without provocation.

The point about walking away is you are not usually ready to attack while walking away. I would absolutely say it is rude, and uncalled for, and, yes, embarrassing, but swearing at someone as you walk away from them is not necessarily aggressive, unless you can find a definition of aggression that says that (which you may well be able to do!)

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