DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

[Distressed2005]

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

A risk assessment is something that is undertaken - in detail - prior to engaging in a potentially risky situation. Your DP didn't do a risk assessment, what bollocks, he checked to see if the coast was clear before starting a brouhaha with a man who was doing his job.

This.

He likes to assert himself over other people, he likes to impress people by jumping to the rescue and he doesn't believe you have a right to an opinion.

Heroes don't call attention to themselves and get into aggressive confrontations by doing the right thing. He wants to be worshipped.

He is training you to accept and enable his attention seeking aggressive behaviour by turning his anger on you if you question him.

I would walk away from this relationship because I think there is a very good chance that his aggression will be turned more and more towards you as your ties to him become harder to break.

Any rational person would discuss their overreaction with their partner and then reflect on their own behaviour, considering all view points. They wouldn't throw all their toys out of the pram and have a destructive tantrum.

I can't see much milage in the relationship. You deserve someone with a normal length fuze.

Hi OP-just to say that I hope you are okay. Whatever the rights and wrongs having a 4 year relationship end unexpectedly whilst abroad is pretty horrendous.

I agree with those saying forget him. No need for the aggression, I'd be so embarrassed if my DP flew off the handle like that.

I was reading another thread where people thought it was perfectly okay to be verbally abusive and aggressive towards JWs who knocked at their knock to share their magazine, etc. However, this man is considered the worse kind of human being because he shouted at a person who was harassing them to come into a restaurant, he comes to the aid of people who need help, etc.

OP the two of you are not compatible. You are embarrassed by him and worry that you will get hurt if a fight kicks off in some of these situations.

If my husband was constantly criticising me for my approach to dealing with public situations, and if each time he communicated his embarrassment at my perfectly legitimate behaviour, I would feel undermined and would end it.

Mistic maybe the poeople on that thread and in this thread aren't the same?
Because I sure wouldnt think that being aggressive towards JWs Is acceptable in any shape or form. Nor do I think that it's OK to be rude or aggressive towards this guy in the street or the cold callers ringing at home.....

I'd need a bit more than that to assume he was a violent, jealous thug who is secretly waiting to batter you. For all we know, he is fed up of you taking shit off everyone, getting all hand-wringing when he doesn't, then quite possibly getting upset and whining about having taken the shit yourself later. I could see in that case why he might have had enough.

This.

I wouldn't dream of being rude to a Jehovah's Witness. Perhaps those that are are the ones who so admire this man's behaviour.

His response to the tout wasn't ideal but it doesn't sound like a pattern of behaviour. The other times you mention don't seem to have much in common with this one.
You say you're not confrontational yet you seem quite confrontational with your DP- arguing with him about a chair, about a tout, etc.
You don't seem that compatible with each other. He thrives on challenging people whether strangers or you. You prefer to placate strangers and challenge him. Either way, it's probably best if you both call it quits.

You really think shouting and swearing in public is 'perfectly legitimate behaviour', Misstic?

I am not rude to JWs, nor waiting staff or hotel staff or anyone like that. I've seen men kick off at people who they perceive to be 'lower' than themselves and rant at waitresses, pick fights with people in the street and generally go about life with a slight chip on their shoulder. It's horrible.

At a lesser level, my husband gets arsey in shops when things don't work/service is poor and I am just embarrassed for him. I walk out and let him get on with it. I get far further by being exceptionally polite and exceptionally insistent. I usually end up sorting everything out on the phone later.

I don't disagree with the way he spoke to the restaurant guy who I actually think was ruder than your DH. What would bother me is his intolerance for you and your differing views to him. Also using the phrase: "standing up to arseholes"- it just gives the impression he thinks there is a "them" and "us" in the world and he sees things as very black and white. It also seems he always thinks he is in the right.

I think you are probably a bit over apologetic for him and he is a bit domineering and controlling. He should apologise to you ESPECIALLY for "ending it" and work on his temper. You should be more tolerant of him. A bit of give and fake with more work needed on his part. You however need to trust him as an adult and not always feel the need to police him.

Those touts are bloody annoying and they turn dismissive and sometimes aggressive themselves when you show no interest. I think your DP was probably more irritated by your smiling and nodding and taking an age to walk on and just didn't want that again. I think I would have felt the same way. The only way to deal with it is to walk on quickly or you end up having menus shoved in your hands and it becomes horribly awkward, the longer you linger the worse it gets, personally I find it very stressful and hate getting caught up in it, sounds like he feels the same way.

Not only was the behaviour aggressive in the first place but he also saw fit to break up with his partner of 4 years in the midst of an aggressive outburst in the middle of the street on holiday. That says a lot about him as well in my opinion.

Hi OP-just to say that I hope you are okay. Whatever the rights and wrongs having a 4 year relationship end unexpectedly whilst abroad is pretty horrendous.

Indeed. In the midst of discussion about the behaviour in question it's important to bear in mind how upsetting this must be for the OP, in the middle of a holiday and her partner comes out with all this, all over his behaviour being challenged (largely out of concern for his own safety). I hope the OP is alright.

To which, he replied 'Yes I have and it's not about having something to prove, it's about being fed up of people getting away with being dickheads'

I can see where's he's coming from OP - not that he's right, but that I understand it. How old is he? Having been bullied a lot as a child I felt very powerless. As an adult, no longer quite so bound by the need to kowtow to bullies, I do sometimes loose it. Only very occasionally now I'm in my 40s but far more often 20 years ago. I just don't want to go back to being powerless. My parents always told me bullies would go away if you ignored them. Bollocks they do. So once I was an adult I did get very aggressive. It was my chance to get revenge, even though it was illogical and revenge on the wrong people.

I'm often glad I'm not a big burly bloke. I think the fact that I'm fairly small and female put a brake on my aggression - and also meant the big hairy bikers I screamed at laughed because they thought I was funny rather than punching me.

IMO he needs to learn to pick his fights and to work out why he's so angry about trivial things. And yes, anger management might help. However, none of this is your responsibility. He dumped you whilst you were on holiday. At my angriest I would never have done that to someone I cared about. You aren't very compatible because even if he sorts this out, he probably still won't want you policing his reactions and he'll probably still be more outspoken than you'd like.

I wasn't suggesting that the people on that thread and this one are the same. Just that on MN it's interesting how a person can be vilified for an action that can in other cases can be seen as perfectly acceptable.

I'm one of those who think OP's partner has not done anything wrong and is probably fed up of being made to feel like an embarrassment. The OP is even ashamed when he goes to the aid of others who are in need of help.

Just two very incompatible people. One hates public attention and the other is not fazed by what others will think if he stands up against injustice or goes to the aid of others.

I had an ex partner like this and I bet the 5 times in 4 years is just referring to times when she has been publically humiliated by him. If he's anything like my ex, I bet this extends to road rage ( I was injured stepping between him and another driver) his employment (boss was always taking the piss ) and other fairly innocuous daily interactions( rude shop workers etc) . I could not go on a night out with him, as each night culminated in some kind of spat, because he was much worse when alcohol was involved.

Despite this he was essentially a decent bloke and would like the ops partner dive in to help others irrespective of danger, he just also happened to have massive chip on his shoulder and couldnt control his temper. Like the ops partner he also felt in these instances that people where disrespecting him and he was duty bound to correct them ? Again, he didn't like anything other than my unwavering support for his knobby behaviour, which was never forthcoming, because I will not cheer lead someone acting like a prick.

He just couldn't assert himself calmly, I always had to step in and do it. So this behaviour is not 'suffering no fools' , it's just acting like an aggressive bell end.

Obviously I am projecting my own experiences onto yourself op, but at the very least you are just not compatible, or at the worst end of the spectrum, aside from the potential danger to himself and others, the behaviour is just very controlling that will have you in a constant state of anxiety and walking on egg shells into eternity to keep the peace.

Some people just like creating drama and problems in their lives, so let him go and find someone else that can fulfill this need life's far too short for this shit.

So . . . have I got this right? . . . he doesn't want to let people get away with being arseholes. OK. But you think HE was being an arsehole and when you didn't want to let him get away with it, he dumped you?

It's certainly become clearer why so many women are on MN complaining about truly dreadful men, if this is what's deemed acceptable behaviour.

Yes if my DH had acted like you of nodding and smiling and encouraging the pushy restaurant man when I just wanted to walk down the street, when it had all happened the night before, I would have probably muttered the same as your DH. I don't think he did anything wrong tonight except end it with you, but perhaps his side of the story is very different? Who wants to be with a dithering people pleaser?

The OP tries to police his reaction even to people who are in urgent need of help. She would prefer that he walks in by and ignore them.

The OP is ashamed of her DP. He probably could see that and decided it's better they part ways.

He is an anxious insecure individual who is aware of his shortcomings and is terrified that somebody else might notice, so confuses 'aggression' with 'assertiveness'.

I'd not want to spend my life with an individual like that.

Sorry, Distressed, I am sure you will find a way to get home safely, now or at the end of your holiday