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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

373 replies

Distressed2005 · 15/05/2017 18:41

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 15/05/2017 20:33

The thing is, he has said he was bullied, so knows what that feels like. Yet finds it acceptable to try and bully you into accepting how he behaves.
He is volatile, he should get some counciling to see if he can resolve these issues.

hooliodancer · 15/05/2017 20:37

I really don't think he has done anything awful. He hasn't picked a fight or squared up to anyone. He has expressed how he feels, and the other person hasn't reacted particularly well.

People are calling him a knuckle dragging thug. Is this what he is OP?

You seem to hate confrontation. He stands up for himself, speaks his mind.

So you are different.

If he is violent that's a different thing. But if you just have different views then you need to talk it through and see each other's point of view.

I stand up for myself. I get angry at perceived injustice. It doesn't make me a thug. It has got me into some arguments with strangers! I find it hard to ignore anti-social behaviour, but I am trying to learn that I should.

gillybeanz · 15/05/2017 20:38

Sounds like you've had a narrow escape OP.
get on the next plane home and take him at his word, he has ended your relationship. Thanks

Kimonolady · 15/05/2017 20:39

I find it really strange how many people on this thread seem to think it's totally fair enough that the boyfriend reacted the way he did :/ he sounds like an arsehole to me.
But in any case - isn't the point that OP has made it clear to him that she doesn't like it when he acts his way, finds it threatening/scary/embarrassing and he STILL continues to do it? His pride or principle is more important to him than her feelings. That's a big red flag for me. He sounds inconsiderate.

NavyandWhite · 15/05/2017 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YokoReturns · 15/05/2017 20:40

A risk assessment is something that is undertaken - in detail - prior to engaging in a potentially risky situation. Your DP didn't do a risk assessment, what bollocks, he checked to see if the coast was clear before starting a brouhaha with a man who was doing his job.

To quote a PP, 'what a man!' Hmm

Serialweightwatcher · 15/05/2017 20:43

He sounds like the arsehole to me ... he probably wants you to beg and plead with him because he seems to have some sort of narcissism going on - best rid I think, especially if something like that can make him threaten to end a relationship - not good ... sorry OP Flowers

MrsELM21 · 15/05/2017 20:45

He sounds like a right knob (your DP) I wouldn't even try to talk him into getting back together, it sounds like you're actually better off without him...

Can you afford a flight home? I would imagine if you just headed to the airport you'd be able to get sorted, let us know how you get on

Fairenuff · 15/05/2017 20:45

The fact that he can casually end the relationship on whim indicates how much he values it OP.

Think on.

Megbert · 15/05/2017 20:45

Oh, bum.

An intelligent person can also spell intelligent properly. Blush :o

Whoops.

specialsubject · 15/05/2017 20:47

Seem to be plenty on here who would be happy to be told never to question their partner.

So don't worry, op - he will be fine. Lots of scope for eyelash batting non thinkers.

If that's not you, dump and do better.

BarbarianMum · 15/05/2017 20:47

"His pride or principles are more important to him than her feelings. That's a big red flag"

Is it bollocks. What sort of unprincipled person changes what they believe in to stop someone feeling embarrassed?

Kimonolady · 15/05/2017 20:49

BarbarianMum - when the so-called "principle" he won't let of is his right to be a dickhead to others.

SugarnetMum · 15/05/2017 20:50

Your dp shouldn't have got so aggressive with the restaurant guy , these restaurant guys try convince and take the piss of hundreds of tourists a night, as they bug them. Its likely the restaurant guy got a good buzz off your dp replying back to him like that!! The restaurant guy wouldn't remember you and dp at all from previous night tbh

Megbert · 15/05/2017 20:50

Oh, come one.

She's hardly asking a vegan to eat a beef burger - She just doesn't want him swearing at people in the street.

Kimonolady · 15/05/2017 20:50

Wtf does he "believe in"?? If you try to get me into your restaurant I'll swear at you? And then when you (understandably) don't like that, I'll really start kicking off?
It's not like

Kimonolady · 15/05/2017 20:51

Sorry, pressed post accidentally, but megbert that's exactly what I was about to say!

Squishedstrawberry4 · 15/05/2017 20:53

So he's unnecessarily verbally aggressive (almost boardering on physically aggressive) and over reacts to low key day to day events.

And he wants you to blindly back his over reactive behaviour. Its very odd that's you're not allowed a different opinion to his. He has to verbally throw his weight around to get his own way like an over sized toddler.

Megbert · 15/05/2017 20:53

I'm sure you would have said it better, Kim.

I can't seem to type properly tonight. :o

NavyandWhite · 15/05/2017 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

burdog · 15/05/2017 20:54

He's not standing up for what's right. He's being needlessly aggressive. It is possible to be assertive in a polite way.

NancyWake · 15/05/2017 20:55

I would be less concerned with the safety aspect and more concerned to be with a man who can't control their temper and has no idea how to behave. I would mortified to be associated with someone with such bad manners.

As to the volatility: two over-reactions in one night. Once to the man and then dumping you.

Get rid.

MudCity · 15/05/2017 20:57

OP, your DP sounds very argumentative and that is difficult to live with whether he is arguing with you or with other people. People who are looking for a fight like that may do so for various reasons but being around them is toxic and, as you are finding, if you don't agree with their point of view then the argument becomes focused on you and you become the target for being 'disloyal'.

There is no good reason to argue with strangers, however irritating they may be. It is a sign of maturity to walk away, not to confront.

I would get on the plane with your head held high. You have seen his true colours now. That's enough.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 15/05/2017 20:58

He's done you a massive favor.

Don't put up with this in future relationships.

He is the arsehole that he's trying to stand up to! He's the one who aggravates a situation and escalates into something more aggressive and violent that it ever needed to be, time and time again.

You really will look back on this and see it as a lucky escape.

BluePeppers · 15/05/2017 20:58

Well at the very least he was bloody rude to someone who was trying to do it's job.

And clearly, from the other instances, he thinks that using aggression/verbal aggression to impose his POV or get what he wants is an OK way to behave (e.g. With you or the drunk guy)
He doesn't seem to have an OK way to judge how things could wrong (again the drunk guy could have turn really badly)

But somehow he thinks that this is OK because it's just standing up to his beliefs.

I think he needs to learn what being assertive means TBH. Because you can stand up to what is right wo agression, wo being rue and wo putting yourself in danger!

Personally I would hate living with someone like this as I would associate that behaviour with the one of a bully (the fact he has been bullied might explain that).

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