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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

373 replies

Distressed2005 · 15/05/2017 18:41

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 15/05/2017 19:51

It's also worth pointing out that I have daughters and it's not viable to teach them to make aggressive remarks or go in physically to get back a chair if taken and so on. They have to learn when to stand their ground and be assertive, say no, loudly point out bad behaviour and when to do a quick runner. It is almost never worth 'having it out' with someone in public- they may be drunk, on drugs, have a large group of friends, just got out of prison. I teach them to physically get away quickly if they feel in danger, and not to pick fights, but equally if one comes to them, stay calm and act assertively (then move away quickly). I've had to do a runner in a foreign country when a situation turned nasty and running along with your heels in your hand looking for safe place isn't a fun thing to be doing; there's been a lot of incidents recently of UK people getting beaten up or killed abroad in fight/holiday type places, presumably because everyone is drunk and no-one wants to lose face. Not clever.

yaela123 · 15/05/2017 19:52

I agree that the reseraunt-guy thing was very ott and very U

But I don't agree that everything he's done is twattish. 5 instances over 4 yrs is really not much and sometimes it's good to stand up for stuff

he's the first person to help anyone in trouble
I want to be with someone who doesn't cause drama and fuss

I agree with DailyMail's comments after reading this

So yes, he did act very unreasonably this time but I don't believe he is such a twat or self-centered arse as some PP are suggesting.

You are definitely not suitable together though, so I think it is time to end it

Good luck, and was a horrible way for your holiday to end Flowers

Busybusybust · 15/05/2017 19:52

Ha! Just be grateful dear! 'When a man shows you who he is, believe him!'

bigmack · 15/05/2017 19:53

5 instances over 4 yrs that op knows about.

GloriaGilbert · 15/05/2017 19:53

Eek. I know the people charged with the unpleasant task of luring holidaymakers into a restaurant are really annoying, but they're just trying to make a living aren't they?

He sounds aggressive and insecure. I'm sorry this has happened, but be glad it's now rather than later.

NavyandWhite · 15/05/2017 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeanutButterBunny · 15/05/2017 19:55

I think he was just emotional.when he ended it. I dont think he meant it. You and your DP sounds like me and my DH except I'm like your DP.

Sexstarvedredhead · 15/05/2017 19:58

I was ditched by someone whilst in Milan. He was helpful and supportive but it didn't change that we couldn't continue.
Your partner sounds like a potentially violent, petulant yob who likes to irritate, control and confront. Get your passport, block all contact. Never go back to him.

WomblingThree · 15/05/2017 19:59

I used to work with someone years ago who had a boyfriend like this. She thought it was great at first because he "stood up to arseholes". He fronted up to her boss when the boss had been "mean to her". For some reason, she thought it was amazing if he threatened to twat another bloke for looking at her. She thought it proved how much he loved her (vom).

Then he started punching her. It wasn't so great then. Obviously I'm not saying the OPs boyfriend is going to be violent towards her, but it just reminded me of it.

elkiedee · 15/05/2017 20:00

OP, this sounds quite devastating. I'm shocked by everyone who wants to lecture you. His behavour sounds awful in the first place, but to end the relationship because you disagree over a trivial incident.... come home and find someone nicer.

I don't know if you have kids or if you hope to in future, but imagine an existing or future kid being a bit monstrous over something petty (it happens!), and his reaction.

RedheadLover · 15/05/2017 20:03

YANBU. I'd be embarrassed too if someone I was with acted in the ways you've described.

Also, he says he's ending things with you four days into a week long holiday?! Hmm That's just ridiculous.

AuldHeathen · 15/05/2017 20:05

Why can't he go straight home and you stay on holiday for the rest of the week. It's him that changed the plan after all. Quite fun doing your own thing and it's only a few days. I know, i know, lots of you think that's well weird ......

Misswiggy · 15/05/2017 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 15/05/2017 20:12

Do you really want a life of him kicking off at every perceived slight
5 times in 4 years is hardly kicking off at every perceived slight. I bet he's been pissed off more than 5 times in 4 years.

Someone takes a chair? You go over and say, excuse me, can we have the chair back, our friend is using it. You don't go over screaming and shouting and calling someone a dickhead.
That is not how OP described it at all! All she said was they started arguing and the other man got aggressive. We have no idea what her DP or the other bloke said.

OP the pair of you just aren't compatible. It sounds like you will do anything to avoid confrontation to the point of being a doormat at times, and he's "assertive" to the point of aggression at times.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.
Well, dumping you whilst on holiday is a twatty thing to do, but give him his due, he had a dealbreaker and he stuck to it. I actually rather admire that in a person.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 15/05/2017 20:13

Gawd he would drive me nuts. Firstly how childish and immature to get the hump and end a relationship because you had a difference of opinion. Secondly he sounds like a right PITA - taking offence and getting aggressive at occurances that are part of everyday life.
Why couldn't he have just said 'no thanks' and walked on by?
You asked if you should go home - I wouldn't - I'd stay and go for dinner in the restaurant in question.

Distressed2005 · 15/05/2017 20:13

He's just come back to the room, apologised and said he over reacted massively earlier by ending things.

I've said I don't know if I can be with someone so volatile long term. He said that he does risk assess situations and it was a crowded street, in daylight with an irritating and rude restaurant person, he said him saying 'No, we heard all this last night FFS' to the restaurant guy wasn't rude.....and that his retort 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway' was rude....I said I agree with him, but he started it by being rude & saying 'we heard all this last night FFS' yes it's irritating but just walk on by and ignore him, no?! We're on holiday FFS, I'm trying to relax, not pick fights!

I honestly don't know what to do. I've told him I want to spend the day apart tomorrow so I can have some time to properly think.

OP posts:
MrsDesireeCarthorse · 15/05/2017 20:18

Right...in 4 years he has 5 times 'stood up to arseholes', including one where he 'almost' got aggressive with a drunk screaming at him. He tells the pushy tout 'FFS not this again' while walking away, and to piss off when the tout gives it back to him. And he told you he'd leave if you questioned him when you were having a blazing row.

I'd need a bit more than that to assume he was a violent, jealous thug who is secretly waiting to batter you. For all we know, he is fed up of you taking shit off everyone, getting all hand-wringing when he doesn't, then quite possibly getting upset and whining about having taken the shit yourself later. I could see in that case why he might have had enough.

Striking point:
I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else'

Yet he did not reply, "You didn't."

NavyandWhite · 15/05/2017 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 15/05/2017 20:19

He's not actually sorry. He just doesn't feel angry any more.

What he does is lash out when he's angry. Then when he feels calm he apologises. This is the behaviour of a four year old.

He now expects you to forgive his behaviour and move on. Until the next time.

ToastDemon · 15/05/2017 20:20

There's some damp gussets on here tonight Grin

Megbert · 15/05/2017 20:22

Right, because no one has gotten punched in the face in a crowded street before?

He sounds very immature.

An intelligent adult doesn't shout and swears at people in the street then dump his partner when she questions his over the top reaction.

Anon5678943 · 15/05/2017 20:22

@whataloadofvollocks thank you for bringing some sense to this thread, feel like I am losing my mind.

Sniv · 15/05/2017 20:23

When he justifies himself with "I believe in standing up for what's right", he seems to be over-egging it somewhat.

Jumping in to defend an innocent person who's being attacked is standing up for what's right. Publicly challenging racist/sexist behaviour is standing up for what's right. Whistleblowing serious misconduct at work is standing up for what's right.

Swearing at a doorman who's trying to persuade you to come into a restaurant is hardly 'standing up for what's right'.

LadySalmakia · 15/05/2017 20:25

He does not sound like the sort of person I would want to spend life with. There are ways of standing up for yourself and protecting others without being aggressive and he does not seem to know the difference.

You clearly aren't compatible - personally I think that's because he's an aggressive dick though others clearly think this is ok behaviour, but it doesn't matter which of us is right if you aren't happy about the way he pops off at people.

Someone upthread mocked the idea of couselling for this sort of aggressive behaviour when the OP said that she thought it was to do with past bullying. Even if it's not full on anger management problems, this isn't a good way to deal with life and he's probably got issues because of past bullying like many people have and this is how it's coming out. I used to know a guy like this, he was a fucking liability on a night out. He's an old mate's brother, she told me few years ago he took some lengthy private counselling sessions because he was increasingly unhappy about the way he was acting but couldn't keep a lid on it. He's moved away now but apparently is wonderfully happy and has three small kids and no more of these awful outbursts because he dealt with the cause of it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 20:26

There's aggressive and assertive. He's aggressive. He hasn't admitted that he made a mistake. He reckons he risk assessed. But he didn't assess your feelings and needs and put you at risk. Unless and until he accepts he needs to modify his behaviour I would be assessing whether I wanted to stay with him