DP has just ended our relationship on holiday...AIBU?

[Distressed2005]

As title.

Currently on holiday in Majorca, 4th day in. Have gone out for dinner tonight, walking along the beach front and a man tries to get us into his restaurant. He did the same the other night and was quite pushy, DP walked away, but I was too polite so kept nodding and smiling whilst trying to slowly and politely back away.

Tonight, we were walking along the same stretch and this man is outside the same restaurant and does the same thing, I say 'No thank you' and DP shouts 'No, FFS we had all this last night, not again' to which the man replies 'Well you have to be classy to come in here anyway, so whatever' DP the shouts over his shoulder, 'oh whatever, piss off'

Everyone was looking and I was embarrassed. This isn't the first time DP has done something like this. I said 'Couldnt you have just walked past and ignored him like everyone else' and he said 'No I couldn't, he was being an arse and I believe in standing up for what's right'

We ended up having a row and he has ended it, saying he needs to be able to 'stand up to arseholes and do what's right' with my consent.

I said what if he had turned aggressive, we're in a foreign country, I'd have been on my own etc, WTF would I have done if it'd have turned nasty?!

In our 4 year relationship, there have been 5 instances of things like this happening. Once, he (stupidly) IMO started arguing with a drunk guy (who was in a massive group of guys) over a chair. In fairness, the guy had nicked the chair from one of our friends when he went to the toilet. That night, I said to DP, just leave it, it's a chair, I'm not getting into a fight over a chair. He was like 'No, he's being a dick, that's XXXs chair' and started to argue with this guy, who went absolutely ape shit at DP and his friends were holding him back. DP almost got aggressive back, but was stopped by my friend's husband. I sat there mortified and scared with some of my girlfriends.

It's just things like that. I understand that people need to stand up to bullies etc in life, I do. But sooner or later he's going to get hurt and I am a really anxious person who hates violence, I'm worried he's putting himself and me in danger.

He did something like this about 8 months ago now and we had a blazing row and he said if I ever questioned him again when he was 'Standing up to arseholes' that would be it.

So, tonight, he said that was it, were over.

I walked off back to the apartment really upset, he followed me and said I can't walk back on my own, I said just leave me, he's ended it anyway.

I'm devastated. I honestly don't know what to do, we're meant to be out here until Saturday.

I feel really hurt that he can't seem to see my POV and angry that he is willing to end a 4 year relationship because I asked him not to get arsey with a restaurant guy on holiday.

I don't know what to do, if we're over then I need to get on a flight home. He's said 'can you really not understand and support my POV?'

AIBU here?!

I had a boyfriend like this OP. It didn't get better. In fact it got worse, he even followed a guy out a pub one night looking for a fight because he'd been 'looking at me too much'.
Just leave, you'll be better off without him.

He sounds awful. You have dodged a bullet.

Ingenuity don't understand how anyone can justify swearing at a man for doing his job. And then kicking off when he says rightly that's not classy?

THat is aggressive. He is a bully.

I can't comment on other occasions, but on this occasion, your DP was a twat. He had no need to respond aggressively. Clearly, he is all for standing up to twats unless the twat concerned is himself, in which case said twat reveals the extent of his twattishness by dumping the sensible person who pulls him up on it.

I actually agree with @DailyMailReadersAreThick I think what he over reacted at was you, not the restaurant guy. He sounds fed up of having to defend his actions to you. I agree with other posters who have said you are incompatible. I don't think his behaviour was particularly horrific, but I could see if he was getting nagged this might tip him over the edge. But it's obviously not acceptable for you, I think that thinking he will change is unreasonable

I find the folk trying to tempt you into their restaurants annoying, so does DH, but we just say 'not tonight' or 'we've just eaten' no need to be aggressive when they are only doing their job.

She actually claims in the op that he doesn't quite get to the point of aggressive so that's why I stood up for him, she said he argued and chair guy got aggressive and dp almost got aggressive back, like I think she's being a bit pathetic he never squared up to the guy he just told.him.to piss off

I think you're well rid. A similar situation occurred to me on hols, we didn't quite split up on hols but soon after. I was pleased the situation had occurred as it helped me finally realise how much of an arse ex dp was.
Hope you either get a flight home tomorrow or otherwise manage to get away from him for the last few days.

I don't think he's necessarily a twat, though I think the waiter reaction was over the top and unnecessary. I'm with him on the chair though. What I actually find more concerning is the ultimatum regarding separating, which seems ridiculous and very self-important.

If you want to continue the relationship then you need to have a proper talk and try to compromise. I think you should accept that element to his personality and the fact that he stands up to people when you wouldn't but that he should realise he needs to choose to pick his battles as it upsets someone he loves - you.

Only you know how good you are together usually and whether this should be a deal breaker. Either way, what's happened is totally shitty and I really feel for you

If your DP gets wound up on holiday by annoying men outside restaurants, he's clearly up for ruining most of your holidays and doesn't have the faintest idea when it is worth starting an argument and when it is not. He is probably right that you should split up, as the phrases "loose cannon" and "trigger happy" spring to mind.

Four times in four years is hardly indicative of an aggressive personality, and it's impossible to know what the circumstances were esp as OP likes to smile and nod for a quiet life.

There is middle ground here. Becoming aggressive at a restaurant tout isn't the answer but smiling at them is a sure way of retaining their attention. Neither of you should have given him any attention at all

YANBU. There's a way to be assertive without being aggressive. What he said to the restaurant tout was provocative. I understand his irritation but it's the sort of comment you make inside your head. Would have been fine even if he'd given the man a bemused smile and said "not this again" while walking off. And then dumping you when challenged- looks like he was spoiling for a fight tonight, that he had a whole load of tension he wanted to release by going off on someone. Remove yourself- get a hotel room or fly home, but don't fight for this relationship.

Since when did not 'suffering fools gladly' mean being rude and telling someone to piss off? He sounds like a knob to me, but I really can't be arsed with people who like to make something out of nothing.

You don't have to shout at people and tell them to piss off to make your point. You can be strong and assertive, and not give in to 'arseholes' without raising your voice or causing a scene.

What he does is aggressive reaction.

Meanwhile you are 'too polite' to walk on past a pestering pushy tout.

I think it perfectly reasonable not to want your partner to engage in risky unnecessarily aggressive behaviour while out with you.

If he is adamant that the relationship is over, I suggest you make a start on your own assertiveness skills by telling him that he had better find himself an alternative room then. You don't need to be on a flight home at all! Walk, swim, go on excursions. I bet you find good company with other women on excursions.

Good luck, OP. I truly think you have dodged a bullet.

I guess some women find that kind of knuckle dragging behaviour sexy, Navy.

Classy to them is a man who finishes his pint before smashing it over someone's head.

'I don't think his behaviour was particularly horrific, but I could see if he was getting nagged this might tip him over the edge. '

Oh dear op - you were nagging the poor man - no wonder he acted like an aggressive arsehole. It's all your fault obviously for turning on the nags.

Big Granny Pants- have you ever used the term 'nagged' about a man?

It is perfectly possible to be assertive and make your feelings known without swearing and upping the ante, so that confrontation is more likely. I'm pretty assertive when people call at the door, or stare at me in the supermarket or make a remark in a club and I have told people, once or twice in my life to do one when they had done something very offensive.

In this situation though, there's just nothing to kick off about, everything to lose and nothing to gain. You just walk past, ignore them, put your hand up, say 'no'.

It's not a situation in which you want to get into a fight with some locals.

I hate guys who kick off like this over things that really aren't worth it (if defending a woman against DV, fine, insulting a waiter doing his job, not fine). They are also more prone to doing it when drunk, and lacking in judgement. Horrible way to live. I get why he feels undermined, but it's just about not wanting to live life that way.

What people who liken themselves to the op's bloke and sympathise with him have to realize is that behaving in that way isn't about "standing up to arseholes" and "not letting people get away with it" - it's about being mature enough and comfortable enough in your own skin to not feel the need to "prove and point" and shout about every minor slightly irritating thing that people do in life. You pick your battles and op is right that her dp was extremely foolish in picking a fight in a foreign country with a guy who was just doing what all the other restaurant touts do every single night all along the strip.

He sounds extremely immature and irritating. My own do is the most self confident person I know but he is also extremely intelligent and can differentiate between putting his point across/fighting his corner and just acting like an arse and flogging a dead horse (ie. Trying to get a chair off a gang of drunk men) and putting both him and me in a potentially dangerous situation.

He's lucky he didn't get his head kicked in.... I suspect one day soon he actually will.

He sounds like he enjoys "standing up to bullies" because he thinks it legitimizes his own aggression. A reasonable person would just let stuff like this pass.

This.

He's done you a favour OP. Imagine dealing with this sort of shit when you have kids. It will get old really fast.

YANBU! He is not a hero, he is aggressive.

God I can just imagine his type kicking off at children's birthday parties when other people's kids don't 'respect' him.