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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2017 18:42

Was also going to suggest he look up the word 'aggressive' in a dictionary. He means 'critical'.

You could so easily counter in the same (but more accurate) style, e.g. with 'I don't appreciate your being so curt and high handed, so won't be able to accede to this request'.

Madwoman5 · 15/05/2017 18:43

Put an office style sign on his door with dh name and dictatorial asshole under it.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2017 18:49

He does know that a film/theatre producer is the person in charge, with the budget? The one who hires (and fires) actors and, the director?

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2017 18:53

Sorry, misleading comma there.

thedevilinablackdress · 15/05/2017 18:58

Next time he holds his hand up, wave back and leave the room.

Seriously though, he's an entitled bully. I hope this thread is helping you see that.

Challenge every unreasonable behaviour. It'll be hard but keep going.

QuackDuckQuack · 15/05/2017 19:00

Accusing you of being aggressive strikes me as horribly misogynistic. A man would be described as being assertive, while a woman is called aggressive for the same thing.

What sort of message and example are your DC getting? I'd be worried about their ideas of what a normal relationship would look like.

AhNowTed · 15/05/2017 19:02

The hand up is so transparently to make you feel small, that Gareth did this in a scene in The Office!!

Turn around and walk out the door. Honestly does he really need to pull this crap to feel like the big man.

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/05/2017 19:03

What an awful man. This is not just about the being-at-home thing. He has no respect for you whatsoever.
Sorry OP but the kids are school aged. I would strongly suggest that you get a good solicitor and a job and an emergency money stash, asap. I think you'd be a lot happier without this horrible person.

Millymoonbeam · 15/05/2017 19:30

Trying to see this from another angle. Why is he having soooo many accidents? What's the need to do dangerous activities - to be seen as a big ace? Has he always been grumpy? Is he feeling pressure to be the best at everything? Is he feeling pressure to be Jonny Posh? Is he frightened to relax because the younger more talented young bucks work will knock him off his top place? . He's juggling all these balls and he's dropped one that ball is you! Would a gentle sympathic approach in yours talks be mire helpful. If not tell him to do one!

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 19:31

I go sometimes go out in the evenings with friends, but not often tbh. I haven't been away overnight though in 10 years.
I don't think he would respect me more if I had a job. Probably less, to be honest and I'd be exhausted and we might have grown apart.

OP posts:
Millymoonbeam · 15/05/2017 19:31

Oh and I agree - get your own miney stash. Good luck

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 19:35

Milly - he's 44 and he's involved with people who do all sorts of things. Also a lot of "business" is done on activities, although as they get older they're actually making less pretence about the business element and just going because they fancy it and they can.

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 15/05/2017 19:40

What a bastard! Even if you were his PA that's not an acceptable way to be towards anyone. Fair enough if he needs help but there's a way to ask. And that's not it. He seems quite manipulative and controlling and that he's the big man. And you are merely his toy to do whatever he chooses. I'd be keeping notes that should you need anything for the divorce you can put this down as his unreasonable behaviour. Don't be his doormat!

MrsDustyBusty · 15/05/2017 19:42

Have you spoken to him about his behaviour today this evening?

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 19:51

I picked up the kids and took them out for dinner and then to their activity and didn't get in until 6.30. He texted to ask if I was ok and "are we eating?" I just did him some tuna and now he's back on the computer so I'm leaving him to it.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 15/05/2017 19:54

He texted to ask if I was ok and "are we eating?" I just did him some tuna and now he's back on the computer so I'm leaving him to it.

What happened to "Me and the kids have eaten out, there is tuna in the fridge"? Why did you do it for him?

Jackiebrambles · 15/05/2017 19:54

Jesus Christ - the answer to that is 'I've eaten, you know where they kitchen is'.

Seriously op?!

Jackiebrambles · 15/05/2017 19:56

And this is coming from someone who is currently cooking some pasta for my dh whilst he reads to my eldest. I've eaten already but he's starving and had a tough day. He'd never dream of asking me to do it though!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/05/2017 20:00

Do you know how to say no to him? Can you imagine refusing his high handed requests?

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 20:03

I am going to speak to him later, but I don't want to antagonise him now as the kids are around. He has a cast on one arm to be fair, but he does make me feel as if I'm abandoning his needs or something if I just leave him to sort his own dinner out. Usually he's not coming in til 8pm and I'm at home so it's become habitual, I suppose.

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 15/05/2017 20:04

are we eating?

Problem you have is precedent. My DH would never ask that as he knows we don't work that way. Your DH sees this as the way your family work. A program of reeducation is necessary, but as I said before, he may not like it.

DPotter · 15/05/2017 20:07

Oh Romi
I don't think he would respect me more if I had a job. Probably less, to be honest and I'd be exhausted and we might have grown apart.

he may not respect you if you had a job, but I would strongly suggest you might respect yourself more and you would have a way of supporting yourself and your children, so you would not feel so trapped.
And really, are you both so close now? He treats you like a skivvy - that's neither respectful or close.
He's got you well trained hasn't he - standing to attention whilst he's on the phone, cooking his dinner when he's more than capable.

You need to consider what you want from your relationship and then devise a step by step plan to achieve it. So Romi, how would you like your relationship to be? Was there a time when things were contented (for want of a better word)? Can you describe what that would look like?

Orangetoffee · 15/05/2017 20:10

So if he didn't have the cast, would your resoonse have been any different? I guess not.

What about re-booking your night away now he isn't going anywhere for a while? How would he react to that?

Atenco · 15/05/2017 20:10

Sounds like a 50s family set-up to me, OP. I'm all for SAHPs and doing nice things for your spouse, but not to the extent of being their taken for granted slave.

haveacupoftea · 15/05/2017 20:10

Why are you cooking for him instead of telling him to fuck off Confused

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