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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 15/05/2017 20:12

I'm a sahm. Through lack of choice as two of my kids have Sen and one of us needs to be at home. I'm still not my husband's slave. He knows where the kitchen in. I can understand the cast is a pain but he needs to learn some respectable language.

unapaloma · 15/05/2017 20:13

"Thats a bit rude. Could you talk to me like a person rather than your pa"
That is soo offensive rightwhine! What do you think a PA is? Some sort of subservient species?
I hope you aren't ever in a position where you get a PA at work.

JennyHolzersGhost · 15/05/2017 20:23

I wasn't suggesting you got a job so that he would respect you more. I was suggesting you got a job because it would make it easier for you to not be reliant on a man who thinks you're his snappy-fingered maid for the money you need to live on. Plus it would probably also make your life easier if you decided to ditch the twat and do something more fulfilling with your life than running around after him.

tanfield90 · 15/05/2017 20:24

My last post about the husband being in need of another accident soon was flippant and not to be taken seriously, although I see some posters agree with my sentiments !

Anyways, it seems this man wants to excel at everything which is why he is a workaholic with zero diplomacy skills and a penchant for Evil Knievel pastimes. He also wants the stereotype state at-home wife and family. But there isn't room for all of this in his life and his professional life is leaking on to his domestic life. But he doesn't see it affecting him and appears to be oblivious to the wider domestic picture. In short, he's trying to have his cake and eat it but something will have to give and he's well on the way to making sure it will be his marriage. He must come to and decide what is most important to him before it's too late.

Needless to say, his sneering, sarcastic and downright rude attitude is unacceptable behaviour in any circumstances with ANY person.

tanfield90 · 15/05/2017 20:26

stay-at-home

AmserGwin · 15/05/2017 20:28

You need to pick him up on it immediately and every time. Tell him it's patronising, and he's not your boss. I like the idea of recording him that someone else mentioned so he can hear himself speak to you. Have your phone ready on record next time you are summoned to his office, then play it back to him

Foxysoxy01 · 15/05/2017 20:29

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this op?

I feel so angry on your behalf!

Please don't allow this to continue you are worth so much more than this crap.

Please pack a bag and take a week away somewhere, just you. Take some time out to get yourself stronger, some good self esteem books and a new outlook will do you wonders.

He is a grown adult and will cope just fine. It will also do him some good and perfect bonding time with the kids.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 20:44

I couldn't leave him with the kids in the week because he's stressed enough with work as it is and it wouldn't be fair on the kids as he'd be too cranky. Also he has no idea what they need day to day like instruments or PE kits. Once time he did take the kids to school as I had an early GP appt. He took DD into her reception class and gave the teacher some hair bands and asked if she could do her hair Blush As if the teacher hasn't got enough to do.

He did see how upset I was over the weekend away though and he's offered to pay for all 5 of us to go elsewhere. The thing is, it probably won't happen for months now as two of them have husbands who travel a lot and various other factors.

OP posts:
Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 20:46

Thank god he can just buy you off!!
Honestly OP
I am so shocked you got back and made him food. I mean shocked
This is not normal
If you left him he would have to give you half of everything and pay for you, right not he doesn't have to do jack shit it seems

MrsDustyBusty · 15/05/2017 20:48

So basically he's neither a husband nor a father. What's he doing in your house?

holidaysaregreat · 15/05/2017 20:55

harsh I agree with you. OP has been having a fine old time - kids in school & a cleaner. I doesn't sound like she is exactly downtrodden, more put out that OH can see how much she can relax in the day while he is busy. He sounds like he provides a lovely life for the family with holidays, music lessons etc... Agreed he shouldn't be clicking his fingers, but I really don't feel he is unreasonable to expect some support while he is WFH if he is injured.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 21:00

Holidays
Obviously it's black and white for you. My ex was much better paid than me. I work part time
Does that mean I have to cook him dinner if I am out? No he's an adult he did it himself like a normal human being
It seems to be that you might think if you're a sahm and your husband pays for nice holidays you should be wiping his arse for him because that's your job!? Confused
Is this 1950

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 21:01

And if that is what he thinks then fine. Give her a wage and working hours and sick pay and holiday pay and NI contributions etc.
FFS

holidaysaregreat · 15/05/2017 21:20

just I would feel guilty if I didn't work and had a cleaner and didn't feel like I was contributing equally (doesn't have to be financial btw). So I guess from a personal point of view I would do whatever I could to support someone who was unable to do things because of an injury. It's just what you do if you are in a partnership/marriage. If OH lost his job because he was out of action then things wouldn't pan out so well.

MrsDustyBusty · 15/05/2017 21:31

Yeah, I don't know whether you're deliberately missing the point, but at no time has the OP said she doesn't want to help. She has said she doesn't want to be treated dismissively and like an employee in her own home.

StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2017 21:33

Op did you used to work? I'd seriously consider going back.

StealthPolarBear · 15/05/2017 21:34

Id argue it's a shoddy way to treat staff

MrsDustyBusty · 15/05/2017 21:35

Yes, I'd be looking for a new job too.

RosaDeZoett · 15/05/2017 21:41

A pp has suggested assertiveness travel, I think that sounds like a really good idea. I have had this difficulty with my oh in the past, mostly stemming from his mother having spoilt him and making him feel entitled to having everything done for him. You need to learn to say no, firmly, not aggressively, just no. I regularly had to say I am not your employee, you are not the managing director of this home, I am not the house keeper. I am not your childminder. My oh treats me as an equal, and my time as equally important, but only because I insist on it. But I have to insist every single day. He would do as little as I let him, so I can't give him an inch. It can be exhausting, but I have decided to stick it out, for now..... You need to tell him how to treat you op, and don't let him take it off topic (my oh tries this too) I feel your pain. I think some type of assertiveness course or counselling would really help. And then you might be at least in a better position to decide whether you want to stay in this situation.

RosaDeZoett · 15/05/2017 21:43

*training not travel. But a little spin abroad could do the trick too, a la Shirley Valentine Grin

Italiangreyhound · 15/05/2017 21:54

"It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home."

Call a staff meeting and point out you don't need to be there.

I think I would try and tackle this head on.

Ask him how things are with him. Pause. Speak to him about how this is making you feel.

PhilODox · 16/05/2017 00:47

Did you post about him before? With a spanishy name? He wanted to go on an expedition to North pole?
He is beyond selfish. I do not know why you stay.
Do you honestly love him?

Bloomed · 16/05/2017 00:53

It sounds like you are constantly walking on eggshells/trying to placate him. I could not do this OP.

MamaOfBabas · 16/05/2017 04:39

Its a lack of basic manners. Which is unacceptable. Get him told.

angryladyboobs · 16/05/2017 06:56

He has two hands right? Tell him to use the other.

If he asks you in the office and doesn't immediately tell you wants, walk out of the room.

If you're making your lunch, only if you want to, make his too then tell him it's ready when he wants to come get it.

Tell him you're not his employee, you're his wife.

I'm not sure what the problem is, you need to stand up for yourself as you're being a pushover now.

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