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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 15/05/2017 16:10

I really think you should remind yourself of your equal worth! It sounds like you have internalised his perception of him as being more important than you. Fight it, keep reminding yourself that you are his equal in every way, you are not his servant.

Orangetoffee · 15/05/2017 16:11

Have you posted about him before? Something about you not being allowed to be on mumsnet when he is around because he considers it rude not to have your full attention.
Sorry if that was someone else, there have been a lot of threads recently about entitled high earning husbands who are always doing challenging hobbies.

Anyway he sounds horrible and you shouldn't have to put up with his attitude towards you.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 16:16

When I was trying to tell him how I felt yesterday, he could have just accepted it, rather than shift the goalposts to make it about him and some random issue that had nothing to do with it. I saw it for what it was and I don't know why I never realised it before. I've not posted about him before, but I did mention him in someone else's thread yesterday and today I feel worse.

OP posts:
Orangetoffee · 15/05/2017 16:16

Xpost with Goldfishjane, re dust on door frame guy.

IfNot · 15/05/2017 16:18

This year alone (apart from the latest accident) he has damaged his knee skiing, crashed a track race car (no injuries amazingly) and another incident abroad where he could have drowned.

Oh well, look on the bright side. He might manage to finish himself off next year.
Seriously, this man appears to have no up-side. Get a divorce, get a job, and find someone normal. How can you bear to live with such a knobend?

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 16:21

It's just the culmination of things:

it's just the PA thing
Then it's the hand up thing
Then it's the breakfast thing
Then it's the phonecalls thing
Then it's the gaslighting
then it's the "I've not been away in 10 years" thing
Then it's the "he says I look nice" thing
Then it's the shifting goalposts thing

And I bet we haven't even scratched the surface

Just very sad
PLEASE get some perspective. What do you RL friends think of all of this ?

Enko · 15/05/2017 16:21

Years ago dh was working from home when our children were primary school/preschool age. I lasted 3 months then I told him "Either you get a office outside of home or you get a divorce your choice" I meant it to and he knew. He rented a office the day after.. He later said he had simply not realised how much it was impacting on our lives he was there.

Justbreathing · 15/05/2017 16:23

To him, the upside is you seem to be easy to control.
He can do and say what he wants as long as he throws in a couple of empty compliments
and you're cheaper than a nanny/maid
What's not to love for a BULLY

stuntcamel · 15/05/2017 16:24

Some people become so accustomed to being 'the Big Cheese' at work, issuing orders and having people at their beck & call to dance attendance on them, that they start behaving like that at home as well.

A couple of DH's friends are like that, and if they ever ring our house number and get me, they do tend to speak to me as though I am his secretary. I give them short shrift Grin

holidaysaregreat · 15/05/2017 16:25

How old are the DC? Going against the grain here, but if he works FT and you are SAHM and he is injured and can't use his hand, why wouldn't you want to help him out? It's nothing to do with who is more powerful etc it is just the type of thing that someone would do for someone who can't manage things themselves? What are you doing that is so important that you can't make him a sandwich and help him out? If you have 3 year old twin toddlers then of course you are super busy and wouldn't have time, however if the kids are all school age then I don't think he is actually being unreasonable.

HumphreyCobblers · 15/05/2017 16:28

holidaysaregreat, the OP IS helping him out.

She is objecting to his rudeness. I wouldn't mind doing anything for my injured DP but he would ask me politely.

Being treated like a servant in not necessary.

Inertia · 15/05/2017 16:31

I hope he has taken out extensive life / critical illness/ accident insurance?

Are the children actually at home during the school day? If you don't need to be able to hear them, I would listen to the radio using headphones while doing the things I needed to do around the house. Or do some gardening.

But then I would never hesitate to tell my DH if he was treating me like his skivvy.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 16:32

Our DC are 5, 7 and 9. Of course I don't mind helping him, it's his manner. I don't expect him to help round the house or nag him about anything.

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 15/05/2017 16:34

He has 2 PAs? and he's not calling them/using his smartphone voice activated Siri to talk to them and ask them to do things? including contacting insurers etc for him?

His attitude towards you seems contemptible even prior to his last accident. However, if he is a high earner and your DCs are at school and/or you have a nanny and cleaner, he might fairly expect a bit of help. Which might include leaving him lunch/biscuits/thermos or setting him up with a kettle and mugs. And then leaving him all day for a specified arrangement before you need to be back for DCs and supper. Or your supper (dependent on hot and cold running nannies).

And as other PPs have said, do not take the hand up - just walk out. I recently had an operation on my dominant hand but managed to work with the other. I did have my DPs help but would never have ordered him around or summoned him.

Elphaba99 · 15/05/2017 16:37

holidaysaregreat Seriously? You don't think he's being unreasonable in treating his wife like a servant/waitress? It's being afforded no courtesy that she's (quite rightly) objecting to.

icy121 · 15/05/2017 16:38

He sounds very accident prone. If you're lucky the next one will see him off.... if he is a high earner at a big bank the life assurance will be excellent.

Otherwise he sounds like a total arse. Depends how much you want to put up with him, really. Do have the stomach for addressing it? Completely understandable if not, but nothing will change so you'll be making an active choice to put up with it.

thatdearoctopus · 15/05/2017 16:40

Frankly, I'd be appalled and ashamed of him if he spoke to anyone like that. What's with all these people telling you you're not his PA? Even if you were, he shouldn't be behaving like this. Who the fuck does he think he is? Angry

icy121 · 15/05/2017 16:42

Or get a "little" job during school hours a couple of days a week so you're out the house.... if he generally wfh on Friday then make sure you're doing the lunch shift at local cafe etc. A few SAHMs I know do this sort of thing - not for the money or to avoid arsehole husbands, just for fun and meeting people in the community etc. Cafe/deli/one of those trinkety shops etc. Or volunteer at the food bank or driving oldies to appointments, or meals on wheels - my mum and stepdad do this.

pepperpot99 · 15/05/2017 16:44

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Orangetoffee · 15/05/2017 16:44

How would he react if you re-booked your night away for one of the upcoming weekends? Kids are school age so no things like nappy changing required and he is house bound anyway, perfect timing.

DeadGood · 15/05/2017 16:47

"What I can't understand is you waiting there until he deigns to notice you. If it happens again walk away."

I agree. Can you answer this OP? Why on earth would you stand there for minutes on end, fuming?

You need a bit of backbone - sorry to be harsh

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2017 16:48

My dh tried telling me when he says or does x at work, he expects people to do y in response. It turned into quite a humdinger of a fight as he expected me to act the same way as an employee. He backed down eventually. It was worth the fight.

Lifting the hand: look incredulously and walk off. And stop going to him. He can raise his arse off a chair.

I also think you need some ground rules. E.g. He obviously earns a good wage, I'd be getting takeaways at least twice a week at lunchtime, going out for a quick bite together and stock up on ready made meals so you don't have to cook for him twice or even times a day.

What do you want to do in the day? Catch a movie, go out to lunch with friends? Do what you want more from your time? And why aren't you taking advantage of him being around to collect the children once a week from school so that you can go out?

It seems you've moulded yourself to be his wife and mother to his kids and lost your identity. Counselling is definitely a good idea. You need to find yourself again.

JigglyTuff · 15/05/2017 16:52

Anyone who treats someone that works for them like that is not a very nice human being.

TheMerryWidow1 · 15/05/2017 16:55

have to say from experience I bet he doesn't get away with speaking to his PAs like that! He is an arse and disrespecting you, give him hell x

Blimey01 · 15/05/2017 16:57

.....'At other times he can be so complimentary e.g. about the way I look or something like that.'

Tbh that's even worse. Treats you like crap then throws you a bone based on your appearance. Sounds like he's got his priorities right Hmm