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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH treating me like an employee.

277 replies

romi80 · 15/05/2017 13:50

Over the last few months, DH has been increasingly working from home which I was initially happy about as I thought he would be less stressed and be able to see more of our 3 DC. At the moment, he is working from home full-time while recovering from a climbing accident. I have had to come out because I feel as if I might explode.
He is treating me like a PA. This morning, I was in the middle of something when he called me into his office. He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet. Then he put the phone down and said I could go Hmm I asked him why I was there at all and he said he might have needed me to write some notes down (his arm is currently in a cast). Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
That was just this morning, but this has been going on for months. Of course I'm happy to help him out, but his brusque manner and the way I feel summoned to his office at any given minute is making me feel very disrespected and as if I'm about to explode. I know if I try and raise this with him, he'll interpret it as me being overly confrontational and unwilling to support him.
It's less of an AIBU, I suppose and more of a WWYD? I feel stressed in my own home.

OP posts:
Jaaaaaaam · 15/05/2017 16:58

Oh do you think so pepperpot99? That sounds sarcastic but it's not meant to!

pepperpot99 · 15/05/2017 17:01

Indeed I do Jaaaaaaam and have thought so all along. Too similar in tone.

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/05/2017 17:01

If you want him to see you as an equal, BE an equal. If your kids are at school full-time and you don't have a job, then he's entitled to get you to help him, as you aren't doing anything else during the day - coffee mornings, lunches with friends etc all have to take a backseat to paid work. Maybe you could get a job and contribute more to your lifestyle, then he might have a bit more respect? He's acting like your boss, because he basically IS your boss as you're dependent on him. It sounds like a 50's relationship.

NotYoda · 15/05/2017 17:02

Draw a comedy cock and balls on his cast

LemonCurdles · 15/05/2017 17:04

He is not treating you as an equal.

He sounds emotionally abusive, chipping away at you and you losing confidence in yourself.

If he wont listen maybe you can write it down for him to see in black and white what he's doing wrong and how it makes you feel. Although he is probably very aware already, but he can't gaslight written words.

Agree with other pp's that ultimately it's your choice about what treatment you are/aren't prepared to put up with, good luck however you choose to procede OP Flowers

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 15/05/2017 17:09

Then he said, "I'll have lunch when you're ready."
Arf!Grin He has a way with words doesn't he Hmm

He was on the phone and I was just standing there for about 5 minutes, expecting him to tell me why I was there. I tried to ask him, but he just held his hand up as if to say be quiet.
You should've walked out of the room as soon as you tried asking him what he wanted adn he dismissed you. Who the fuck does he think he is?! Angry

It's very difficult to argue with him because he gets very defensive and changes the subject
He can only change the subject if you engage with the distraction. Perhaps when he does this ignore the distraction and repeat yourself like a stuck record. The seperate issue can be discussed afterwards.

Yes I do feel like he sets me up to fail with unrealistic expectations and withholding information
Then when he asks you to do something you either say you can't do it, or you only do it when you have asked him if he has given you all of the info you need to do the task. Write it down and repeat it back to him so he can't then say he told you something when he didn't.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2017 17:16

'Sounds like a job for your PA darling'

Maybe suggest he call his boss and ask for more admin assistance, a PA coming to work with him at home perhaps, while he's struggling with injuries.

As pp said, you're not employed by his company and are on seriously dodgy ground doing anything for them, or in their name.

If he wants you to deal with personal insurance claims etc, he needs to ask nicely, wait for you to agree that you have time and are able, then hand over all relevant paperwork. Ask him for the paperwork, appraise it, then send him a note or email specifying what is missing and required for you to be able to proceed. Ball in his court. Basically, take on management of the task in full.

If you're just going to run little errands, without an overview of the task, get a notebook. He asks you to do x. Write that down, read it back to him and ask him to confirm the instruction. You then have a paper trail. 'You asked me to do x but did not provide essential information y, therefore task x could not be completed'.

FinallyHere · 15/05/2017 17:35

Well, if you want to audition for the role of his PA, by all means get a little notebook and start writing down his commands. He treats people like this because he gets away with it, and, at work, they are paid enough to be prepared to put up with it. There may even be some status for a PA associated with being able to cope with a highly successful but very rude boss. His PA's will be expected to be aware of what he is working in, and have their contact details to hand.

You however... well, what do you want?

I would encourage you to make his life a living hell until he shapes up. He will jot response to any 'poor me' stuff with kindness, but he might if he discovers that he is at your mercy. And you are prepared to use your power.

Me? I would hate to live like that and shudder to think of the example he is setting for his children.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 17:46

'If you want him to see you as an equal, BE an equal. If your kids are at school full-time and you don't have a job, then he's entitled to get you to help him, as you aren't doing anything else during the day - coffee mornings, lunches with friends etc all have to take a backseat to paid work. Maybe you could get a job and contribute more to your lifestyle, then he might have a bit more respect? He's acting like your boss, because he basically IS your boss as you're dependent on him. It sounds like a 50's relationship.'

PMSL! If she went out to work FT he'd still expect her to run the house, ferry the children to everything, do all the childcare, she hasn't been out in 10 years.

You know what, OP, fuck attitudes like this, you're not a housekeeper, you're his wife.

You'd be far better off divorcing him.

DisappearingFish · 15/05/2017 17:53

We have a rule in our house that may help - no shouting from another room. So if he wants something he has to get up and come and find you.

He sounds like he's acting like a complete bastard. Keep calling him on it and don't back down.

Goldfishjane · 15/05/2017 17:57

expat "she hasn't been out in 10 years."

oh no - I thought that meant OP hadn't been away with friends for 10 years...not that OP hasn't had any nights out with friends?

eek.....

blackteasplease · 15/05/2017 17:57

That's a good rule disappearing.

But do you call children for meals and such like? Or have a gong?

blackteasplease · 15/05/2017 17:57

That's a good rule disappearing.

But do you call children for meals and such like? Or have a gong?

DisappearingFish · 15/05/2017 18:02

Calling for dinner is an exception. But I can't tell you how much better my life is now this rule is in place . Before I would be in the middle of laundry or a shower or a phone call and my family would just bellow at me from a different part of the house until I broke off and went to see what they wanted. Now they know I'll never respond.

Softkitty2 · 15/05/2017 18:12

Bill him for your services 😀

Tinseleverywhere · 15/05/2017 18:13

I agree he would not respect her more and treat her better if she went out to work full time. If someone is respectful and considerate they would treat you well in either situation and would be pleasant to their co-workers when actually at work as well.
Treating your wife rudely and not appreciating her help is a sign of bad character.

Original poster
romi80 · 15/05/2017 18:13

I tried to talk to him yesterday. I said a lot of the things I do are invisible. We do have a cleaner who does certain things, but if the kids run in from the garden or are doing crafts / mess making while I'm trying to cook, it needs doing again and I do find myself running round if I know he's coming in to make sure things feel organised and calm. He doesn't really say anything if the place is messy, but it affects his mood and I can feel it. He didn't have much to say to that, except for claiming to be not messy and that he does the bins. He asked what had got into me and why was I being aggressive? I told him that everything feels like his show and the kids' show and then he said, yes and you're the producer - as if it's funny! I told him he was had been a workaholic for years and he just shrugged. I think he kind of took some points on board because later on he put his stuff in the dishwasher and checked one of the homeworks. Also he kept hugging me and asking if we're ok now.
I don't know if he genuinely doesn't realise what he's like, or if he does realise and does it anyway. I don't know which is worse?
In general life, he is friendly to people and he's very polite and gentlemanly. People like him socially, though I'm not sure about at work. I'm fairly outgoing too and I have a good laugh with friends I see around in the day. I think since he's been working from home he's bringing a more high-handed attitude into the family and I'm finding it a real struggle.

OP posts:
LilacSpatula · 15/05/2017 18:14

I'd record him on your phone and then show him. Sounds like a joyless existence with someone who's pretty horrid to you.

Goldfishjane · 15/05/2017 18:20

he sounds horrible generally but in terms of working at home - I think what's happened is you are seeing him more often, therefore get a more accurate picture of what he is like.

"I told him that everything feels like his show and the kids' show and then he said, yes and you're the producer - as if it's funny"

this is how he wants his life to be. Now you have to decide what you want your life to be.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 15/05/2017 18:25

Think this would be the day that I turned round and told him to learn how to cook and write with one hand he sounds like a bit of a knob.

Jackiebrambles · 15/05/2017 18:27

Oh that 'producer' comment. What a patronising shit. You need changes op, otherwise one day the kids will be gone and you'll be left with just 'this'.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2017 18:28

Bet he's a fucking nightmare at work. I've had to work with people like this. Believe me, they were not popular or well-liked.

Tazerface · 15/05/2017 18:34

Does he actually know what 'aggressive' means? Because there's nothing in your posts to suggest that you're the one with the problem!

He sounds awful. Tell him if he needs a PA to get one and if he resents you being a SAHM (seriously he's done a lot of damage on presumably holiday events but you haven't had a night away for ten years?!) then you'll start looking for a job and he may as well start looking for a housekeeper.

Nanny0gg · 15/05/2017 18:37

I don't expect him to help round the house

Why not? Doesn't he live there too?

Bet he does nothing with the children either.

rightwhine · 15/05/2017 18:40

Id start small and build up. "Hang on a minute, I'm just finishing this" "could you get the lunch today I'm just finishing this/it's your turn"

"Thats a bit rude. Could you talk to me like a person rather than your pa"

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