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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell my parents to grow the fuck up?

201 replies

Emboo19 · 14/05/2017 20:39

Really need to rant, so I don't say something I regret!!

Posted about my parents and housing issue before.
Basically I own the house, my parents live there and have done rent free since I was a child.

I've recently moved out, with my boyfriend and our dd.
My parents are supposed to be now paying rent, significantly less than the going rate. And they haven't even managed one month!

My grandparents are sorting it and paying me and my parents are paying them. So I'm not missing out financially, but I'm then having to take money from my retired grandparents, knowing they aren't getting it back.

I know what they earn and they can afford what they're supposed to be paying, in fact my grandfather was only asking them for half for the first 6 months while they get used to it.
When I found out they hadn't paid I spoke to my mum and she was full of excuses, car needed mot, dad needed to do his self assessment tax and then they'd pay it back........

That's annoying enough, then today they come for Sunday lunch and they've booked not one, but two holidays!
And my father, actually had the cheek to say, we could do with more space as my boyfriends music stuff was in the living room.
They live in my four bedroom house Angry

I love my parents and we get on really well. They're great with dd and everything. I just feel so furious with them right now and want to tell them it's time they grow up and start taking responsibility for themselves.

OP posts:
Oswin · 15/05/2017 05:01

Atenco you hate the op?! Fucking hell that's a bit much.

She hasn't done anything wrong. Just wants her parents to stop acting like teenagers.

So many spiteful people on this thread.
The parents blew there share yet the op is expected to just hand hers over.

It's this odd attitude that some people have that they own the children even when they are adults, so think they are the boss, so something like this really angers them.

Saracen · 15/05/2017 05:42

In a sense I don't think this has much to do with you, or that you can really do anything to get your parents to behave more responsibly. I know that it's galling to watch behaving this way, but it isn't you who's letting them do it.

At the moment they aren't sponging off you, but off your grandparents. You have said that if and when your parents have to leave your house, your grandparents will simply end up paying their rent elsewhere. So you are really just a bystander here, aren't you?

I also don't see on what basis you could evict them, even with a tenancy agreement in place. It wouldn't be for nonpayment of rent, because the rent IS getting paid (by someone else on their behalf).

In the long run your parents' financial irresponsibility might become your problem, if your gps become unable/unwilling to carry on supporting them. You'll have to cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now, it isn't your problem.

picklemepopcorn · 15/05/2017 05:43

IT might be time to show your parents how cross you are, that this impacts you and DD.

If not, sell the house and buy a smaller one one they like less. It will motivate them to make their own arrangements.

Casschops · 15/05/2017 06:21

TBH if I had a house with no mortgage that I could afford to let my parents live in rent free I would. But circumstances are different here.

Imbroglio · 15/05/2017 06:42

This is a very unusual situation! The parents are still young and could effectively squat there for 50 years, doing no maintenance and running the property into the ground.

It sounds drastic but it might be easier for the OP to move back in and get the parents to move out.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 15/05/2017 06:45

Wow! Hate really? You don't even know me.

My parents will stay in the house until I finish uni. That's been agreed and I won't go back on that, they know after that I plan to sell, so me and my partner can look at buying a family home ourselves and I can invest some for my own dd.

I'm annoyed as they agreed to this! We sat down and discussed it they said how much they could easily afford, they encouraged me to move in with my partner, they know I'll have uni fees and childcare to pay for soon and that the rents supposed to help with that.
Then they can't even manage one month!

I worry, as when my grandparents are no longer here and they've managed to spend any money they left them. What then?

And to the person who said I was spoilt! How do you come to that conclusion? Just because I've been left money?
My parents and me were living in a not particularly nice area and rather than leave me the money, she left me the house and my mum the money! My mum agrees it was the best thing she could do and I believe my great grandma spoke to my mum before amending her will.

OP posts:
ChunkyHare · 15/05/2017 06:56

The OP's Mother inherited money from the same Great Grandmother and could have bought her own property to rent out and earn an income from, or invested it and have a cash sum to use now to offset buying a house. Instead she burned through it with nothing to show for it.

The parents are living rent free, OP is paying a mortgage.

I would seek legal advice OP, maybe sell now and the money goes into the trust until you are 21. The eviction process could take a while so better to do it now than wait until you are 21 and start evicting then.

ChunkyHare · 15/05/2017 06:58

I've just seen your update.

You may have promised to let them stay until you are 21 but they also promised to pay rent.

They are never going to pay it, they are going to guilt trip you into letting them stay there rent free.

Me? I would seek legal advice because eviction can take a long time.

NotHotDogMum · 15/05/2017 07:02

OP did you post about this a few months ago? You were still
Living with your parents then, they had used money set aside to maintain the house to renovate (extend?) so that your DM could run a business from the house.

If they haven't started saving or even paying rent yet, they are never going to try.

You are just going to have to suck it up for the next few years while at uni. And then sell the property as soon as you can.

I'd be sitting down and having a discussion with them, reminding them now that they don't have long left in the home, as you are planning to sell.

You need to think of your own DC future now.

user1471545174 · 15/05/2017 07:12

I don't understand why poor grandparents are subbing the rent when they neither inherited anything nor are they feckless.

Who needs the rental income? The house is (albeit messily) a family property. The order of the day should be maintenance, not profit.

OP only needs to wait until she comes into her trust fund. I hope grandparents get given back some money on the sale of the house.

Parents will carry on the same way and will become a responsibility of the state.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 15/05/2017 07:16

That's the annoying thing NotHotDogMum we've discussed it, they have a plan in place and they can't even stick to it for one month!

I'm a little calmer today and probably won't say anything to them about it.

I told my bf, our next home will have to have a granny flat attached, as I imagine they'll just end up living with us!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 15/05/2017 07:19

My grandparents did inherit user not that it's fair them paying.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 15/05/2017 07:28

Are your parents looking after DD whilst you are in uni?

studentquery · 15/05/2017 07:28

Your parents have been enabled all their lives by their parents and once you turn 21 you will have to be very careful that you don't become an enabler too.

They will never pay because they don't have to. There are no consequences to them when they don't. I do feel sorry for them in a way but equally, a 19 year old has no business being responsible for two 40 year olds who are fit and able.

Do what you have to do for your and your DDs future. Your parents will have to take responsibility for themselves.

HanShootsFirst · 15/05/2017 07:31

Good lord OP whatever you do don't buy a house with a granny flat!! Unless you want to continue to be responsible for them for the rest of their lives.

Perhaps it is time to tackle the elephant in the room and have a talk with your gp's. Acknowledge that your parents are never going to be responsible about money and discuss how to set up a trust from your gp's for them that provides them an income but they can't access the principal.

If your gp's don't want you to have the long term burden of supporting your parents then they will see the sense. Otherwise the can is just getting kicked down the road until your gp's are no longer here. Things aren't going to change because no on is willing to follow through on drastic measures. It's easy to say evict them but hard to actually do.

I think you're being very mature in a difficult situation not of your own making. Yes, it might be a problem others would love to have but it's still a problem!

2cats2many · 15/05/2017 07:44

I think that what must be especially painful for you OP is the knowledge that your parents don't parent you. Instead, you are parenting them. That's difficult to come to terms with. It has similarities with children of drug addicts or alcoholics.

Good luck sorting it all out for yourself and ignore the haters on here.

Fcukthetww · 15/05/2017 07:58

The bitchyness and jealousy of some of the posters on this thread has me raving angry. How dare people come on here and call the OP entitled and spoiled for not giving her parents a free ride for their entire lives! It's her house, regardless of how she acquired it. It is hers. Not her parents, they, by all accounts have had a good 19 years free and now the OP is making them reap what they have sown, which is apparently not all that much. She owes them nothing for bringing her up, as parents that was their job. She's not saying she begrudges them holidays and nice things, she begrudges them sponging off her grandparents instead of paying the rent they agreed.

rizlett · 15/05/2017 08:13

Em - at least you have broken the pattern that your parents have developed and your dd won't ever be in the same situation as you.

Is it more that you feel your parents don't appreciate what they have? And you state you would like them to be more responsible which is like everything being the wrong way round - most parents are trying to teach their dc's that lesson!

It seems to me that you are more like your dgp than your parents - and that's a good thing - so perhaps there is not so much to worry about apart from you beginning to accept that for now (and maybe forever) that's the way your parents are.

Part of growing up is seeing the faults in our parents - same as seeing the faults in our children.

MidniteScribbler · 15/05/2017 08:24

Do NOT attach a granny flat. Do you really want them living with you for the rest of their lives?

Anniegetyourgun · 15/05/2017 08:25

Which of us, as parents, would begrudge our children £250 a month for their university fees, living and childcare costs, assuming we had it to spare? These so-called parents (who sound like nice enough people but with their feet nowhere near Planet Earth) would rather their 20-y-o daughter subsidise them than back her up financially as she begins to make her way in the world.

What we've got, here, is the situation where great-grandma was quite well off. She died, and her estate was shared out between her descendants rather than all handed down to the nearest generation as quite often (but not always) happens. OP's share was in bricks and mortar rather than cash, but nobody missed out. Yes, I expect her parents did spend some of their windfall on raising her. That's what you do when you have children, you pay to bring them up. Children aren't an investment, well not a cash one anyway.

HappyFlappy · 15/05/2017 08:39

The longer they are in there (WITHOUT YOU) the harder it will be to shift them. I don't know the law, I admit, but maybe they could even claim squatters' rights? And then the house wouldn't just be theirs to love in, it would be theirs to sell if they wanted to. There wouldn't be a damn thing you could do about it.

Not. A. Thing!

I assume you are taking you GPs money because you actually need it it live while you are at uni? Ask them for some of your trust money so that you can discuss this with a lawyer. It really is very important, not just for your own financial security, but because your GGF wanted you to be protected. He knew they were a lost cause.

They could well claim the house, sell the house and then sponge off you forever, in theory. You MUST stake a financial claim to it NOW. Please don't let this slide any longer.

I know they are your parents, and you "get on well enough" but that is because YOU are making all of the concessions. Don't spend your life being a doormat to them.

Not fair on you, on your GPs or on them actually. They will never grow up.

HappyFlappy · 15/05/2017 08:40

*live in, not love

(Freudian slip - probably because the autocorrect is determined to humiliate me as often and as publicly as possible)

rizlett · 15/05/2017 08:44

the house wouldn't just be theirs to love in

Aw - I love that your parents love in this house of yours....

HappyFlappy · 15/05/2017 08:45

You may have promised to let them stay until you are 21 but they also promised to pay rent. They are never going to pay it, they are going to guilt trip you into letting them stay there rent free.

This.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!

You have been so fortunate OP - most of us would give our eye teeth, without anaesthetic for this sort of security for our children. Please, PLEASE don\t throw away you CHILD'S security in this way.

HappyFlappy · 15/05/2017 08:49

Personally I don't think inheritance should skip generations but there you go

And personally I think people should be able to dispose of their money and other assets however they want to.

It's THEIR money! No-one has a right to someone else's stuff!