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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP isn't really my partner and that I'm financial vulnerable?

146 replies

user1494756649 · 14/05/2017 11:20

DP and I have been together for 14 years.

One DD, 10 years old.

He has an adult DD from a previous relationship.

He works all over the country, with weird hours. Away often overnight and is never here at the weekends.

I work part-time and then look after DD the rest of the time.

Our mortgage isn't 50/50. He put more money in, so I own only about 15%.

He won't write a Will because he cites that rubbish "Common-law" wife stuff, which I keep telling him is incorrect. He's sure that, if he dies, I'll be the beneficiary, along with his adult DD, although he's made absolutely no plan about how this will happen.

He won't discuss the idea of marriage at all.

Life Insurance is a waste, according to him.

He has a business account which is all in his name. All of his earnings go in to there.

He pays a relatively small amount in to our joint account each month, where we are always over-drawn, up to £1,500. My smaller earnings also go in to this account.

Before DD was born, I had a reasonably well-paying job, full time. I resigned to look after DD.

So, I feel as though:

In terms of our relationship, I'm like a lone parent. He never does ANY housework. Every weekend I clean and tidy, with a bit of help from DD, and it's crap. I have no adult to talk to.

We never spend a nice evening together.

I am completely financial vulnerable if he left me, or died.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Astro55 · 14/05/2017 11:24

Who's name is the mortgage in?

Currently any money will go to his children 50/50 so you won't get anything

Mortgage wise if there's no life insurance you will lose the house 50% to his elder DD anyway - plus any repayments - if you can afford the mortgage it will be repossessed

Original poster

user1494756649 · 14/05/2017 11:26

The mortgage is 85% in his name and 15% in mine.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/05/2017 11:27

Well. You have the same rights as a housekeeper which is exactly what he sees you as.

Original poster

user1494756649 · 14/05/2017 11:28

I think you're right, AnyFucker

OP posts:

pringlecat · 14/05/2017 11:28

YANBU to feel you're in a bad position, but as you're not married, there's very little you can do to change this unless he agrees. Do you think he is being lazy about making arrangements or that he is deliberately making you financially vulnerable?

RandomMess · 14/05/2017 11:29

Yes you are incredibly vulnerable, is your name on the house deeds - where is this 15% share in terms of being in writing etc??? Paying 15% of the mortgage doesn't give you a 15% automatic entitlement.

Is your name on the mortgage, if it is the full liability will fall to you!

Most important thing is to sort out ownership of the house 50:50 to each of you.

CormorantDevouringTime · 14/05/2017 11:29

Print out a very clearly worded, very official document stating that you have no entitlement to anything if he dies intestate. Show it to him and say "are you saying the the government probate department is deliberately lying to us?" Watch him squirm. Produce a WH Smith will pack pre-filled. Then listen while he explains that actually he has a wife and three kids in Swindon.

Twitchingdog · 14/05/2017 11:29

Doespecially he have another wife / life

MrsDustyBusty · 14/05/2017 11:30

He refuses to even make sure you and your daughter aren't turfed out of your home were something to happen to him? Well, do you need to ask what people think about that? What would you think if another woman told you she was in your position?

user1493022461 · 14/05/2017 11:31

He's away every weekend AND other overnights? You don't see most of his money? Never mind he does nothing and doesn't care about you or your child very much....he's got someone else.

MissShittyBennet · 14/05/2017 11:31

I don't feel able to comment on whether he's really your partner, but you're certainly financially vulnerable.

Have you ever been able to prove to him that the common law stuff is shite? Like, I am guessing he wouldn't want to go to a solicitor but has that ever been mooted? What would happen if you tried to show him the CAB page on the differences between marriage and cohabitation? I am just trying to work out whether this could feasibly be denial or arrogance, or if he knows and is doing it on purpose.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/05/2017 11:32

Second family?

Itscurtainsforyou · 14/05/2017 11:32

You are really financially vulnerable. It also doesn't sound like a great relationship tbh and alarm bells are ringing at the not being there at the weekend. I would be wondering if he had another family somewhere (sorry).

I think there are three options:
1 - you catty on as you are (not wise)
2 - you split up
3 - you convince him that he needs to make proper arrangements both for now and if he dies (probably unlikely given previous attempts)

peaceout · 14/05/2017 11:33

You must get this sorted, if he refuses to discuss things then just go ahead and make plans on your own
Can you start putting some money away.
If you stay with him then he must pull his weight at home

Itscurtainsforyou · 14/05/2017 11:33

*carry not catty!

Madwoman5 · 14/05/2017 11:33

This is not a relationship, this is a business arrangement minus the contract. He is not interested in protecting you if he dies, he is not interested in making a home or a permanent relationship with you. He is interested in making sure his offspring is cared for so she doesn't impact on his busy, important life. Time to go. As you have been the primary carer without whom he would not be able to live or work the way he does, I think you may find you are entitled to more than 15% which is purely based on financial input. You input in different ways which are just as valuable as cold hard cash.

user1493035447 · 14/05/2017 11:33

Do you split mortgage payments 50/50? Even if he put down a bigger deposit, over time he percentage will change in favour of you. I'd be surprised if it's written that he owns a percentage though. Bit of a tricky situation though, one I think you need to confront him head on with, even get legal advice on. If he really cares he'd listen to your worries,

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 14/05/2017 11:36

I'm sorry, I too think he has a second life. have you ever met his older DD?

Yes, you are financially very vulnerable. I'd be looking to go back to full time work ASAP. I'd be opening a separate bank account too.

honeylulu · 14/05/2017 11:39

What you pay to the mortgage isn't necessarily relevant. It's how the deeds are held. Are you joint tenants or tenants in common holding a fixed share each?
If joint tenants then the survivor inherits the whole property. If tenants in common then the survivor retains their agreed share (be it 50% or 15%) and the deceaseds share passes to either beneficiaries named in will. If no will that share and any other assets pass by intestacy. In this case his two dds would get half each and you would get nothing.
So, even if you are joint tenants and you'd get the house, you'd get nothing else. You are right to be concerned.
Also is ridiculous that you put all your earnings into the joint account and he puts in a small sum. (Is this after he pays his larger share of the mortgage though?) If it works out that you are actually subsiding him this is financial abuse.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/05/2017 11:39

Yes, you are very vulnerable.

The question is what to do?

If your DP won't listen to you about the law, is there someone else who he would listen to? The fact that you put all your salary into the joint account but he puts in only a small amount is worrying. Do you know what he earns?

Your post makes me feel like you would be happier without him. It doesn't sound like he is willing to change the financial situation so you might be better off to take the financial hit now and move on with your life. He will have to pay maintenance for your DD. Will he want contact at all?

I think in your position I would make plans to leave.

rightwhine · 14/05/2017 11:43

It sounds as if you'd be better off on your own.

peaceout · 14/05/2017 11:46

If you left he would have to pay maintenance for his child
Is he self employed, could he hide his income or assets?
I think gather evidence so that he can't pull any fast ones and don't let him know what you are up to
Don't challenge him, carry on as normal and humour him/keep him sweet

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2017 11:46

Are you basing your 15% ownership of the house on the ratio of payments you both make? You're as clueless as he is, if you are.
If your name is not on the deeds you get nothing.
And there is no such thing as a common law wife. It's not recognised in general law. What you call him is irrelevant; you are not related so you don't inherit if he dies intestate.

lizzyj4 · 14/05/2017 11:47

Agree with PP, you're incredibly vulnerable and he doesn't seem interested in protecting either you or your daughter. I second the vote to go back to work full time asap and open a separate bank account so that you can at least build up some savings.

Start putting together records to show how much you put into the house financially - for example, if you pay for repairs or any work. Save all receipts/invoices.

Check on the exact situation with the mortgage/house ownership, so you know exactly where you stand with that and what would happen if he died or you separated.

JaneEyre70 · 14/05/2017 11:58

Away overnight regularly and never at weekends? You're his second family OP. I'd follow him on his next little trip.

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