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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DP isn't really my partner and that I'm financial vulnerable?

146 replies

user1494756649 · 14/05/2017 11:20

DP and I have been together for 14 years.

One DD, 10 years old.

He has an adult DD from a previous relationship.

He works all over the country, with weird hours. Away often overnight and is never here at the weekends.

I work part-time and then look after DD the rest of the time.

Our mortgage isn't 50/50. He put more money in, so I own only about 15%.

He won't write a Will because he cites that rubbish "Common-law" wife stuff, which I keep telling him is incorrect. He's sure that, if he dies, I'll be the beneficiary, along with his adult DD, although he's made absolutely no plan about how this will happen.

He won't discuss the idea of marriage at all.

Life Insurance is a waste, according to him.

He has a business account which is all in his name. All of his earnings go in to there.

He pays a relatively small amount in to our joint account each month, where we are always over-drawn, up to £1,500. My smaller earnings also go in to this account.

Before DD was born, I had a reasonably well-paying job, full time. I resigned to look after DD.

So, I feel as though:

In terms of our relationship, I'm like a lone parent. He never does ANY housework. Every weekend I clean and tidy, with a bit of help from DD, and it's crap. I have no adult to talk to.

We never spend a nice evening together.

I am completely financial vulnerable if he left me, or died.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CheeseCakeSunflowers · 14/05/2017 13:21

Your mortgage is the loan that you have with your building society or whoever you borrowed from to buy the property, although the mortgage is usually in the same names as the property it does not have to be. Its what's on the deeds or what is registered at the land registry which counts as to who owns the property.
It is possible for property to be held by two people as a 85%/15% split but this would have to be stated in the deeds/land registry. Its likely that the property is registered land as most is so you should have a document which will show exactly which names have been registered as owners and the split. If you can't find it then you can obtain a copy from the land registy. www.gov.uk/get-information-about-property-and-land

waybalooo · 14/05/2017 13:25

Mortgage advisor here.
A mortgage can't be split the way you have described. If it's a joint mortgage then both parties are equally liable.
The deeds ownership must reflect the mortgage ownership, therefore it is likely that you are 50/50 on the house. He has maybe told you otherwise incorrectly

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/05/2017 13:26

Several of us thinking the same thing, I see!
First thought was "he has another family, possibly more".
Second thought was "Yes, you are absolutely extremely financially vulnerable".
Third thought was "Get out of this and make yourself safe by yourself - you'll get nothing out of him if he dies, he's probably already married to someone else and they'll get it all".

So. YANBU, but you need to do something about it.

LittlePeonie · 14/05/2017 13:26

Another "are you OK OP?" You sound sad OP and who could blame you. I don't know how you let yourself get in this situation. But it sounds like you've tried everything to get your "P" to do right by you and your DD, but he simply refuses.

You can still make plans to start again, on your own, with DD. Its hard, I know.

But, whatever you do or don't do, see a Solicitor first.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 14/05/2017 13:27

OP, I hope PPs are wrong, but it does seem very plausible. In any case this is an awful situation, and I hope you get it resolved.

ivykaty44 · 14/05/2017 13:32

PM me if you want some investigating

HaggisMuncher · 14/05/2017 13:36

I would ensure that you get your financials sorted OP. A good friend lost her partner very suddenly last year. Without a will in place or having completed his declaration of wishes form for his pension she has been left with almost nothing. His estate has been equally split between their two year old son and his sixteen year old from a previous relationship. She gets a small widow's pension from the state, but that provision has been changed for the worse recently. She has felt strongly enough about the situation she has been left in to warn other unmarried friends with kids to have a detailed look at their situation. God forbid it should happen to you, but who knows what life will throw at them. Look after yourselves xxx

eddielizzard · 14/05/2017 13:37

untenable. something has to change and since he's got a very cushy life i think it'll have to be you.

Katie6448 · 14/05/2017 13:38

Oh gosh it doesn't sound good does it? I'd be doing some very covert checking on him and where he actually is at the weekends.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/05/2017 13:40

Waybaloo

Sorry but technically thats not right. Deeds do not have to reflect the mortgage joint liability.

I'm tenants in common with my stbxh. We are both jointly responsible for the mortgage but I own 95% of the property according to our deeds.

LumelaMme · 14/05/2017 13:40

I did once know someone who discovered she was the OW - the Other Wife. Her 'husband', she discovered, wasn't working away at weekends but seeing his first wife and DC. She only found out when he went missing, first wife found his address book and rang round trying to find him. 'Hi, it's X's wife here.' 'Er, no, I'm X's wife...' Two women's worlds came crashing down in one phone call.

It does happen. It might not be the case in your situation, but regardless of that, as things stand you are vulnerable.

susanboozan · 14/05/2017 13:42

You are on to it OP. Good on you, but it ain't pleasant. At least now you have reservations and can work from there.

Easy to say from a distance what his motivations are, but they don't seem to want to include you at present anyway.

Gloves have to come off soon. Think it through, marshall your thoughts, and write it all down. Then discuss once more with evidence that you will NOT be provided for if anything happens.

Best of luck. Tough times when the realisation hits.

Rubies12345 · 14/05/2017 13:43

I too think he might have another family and another mortgage - this happened to a woman at my work!

Try to get your full time hours back then leave/kick him out. Remember you can go through the CMS.

wobblywindows · 14/05/2017 13:47

Does he receive mail at your address? Can you confirm his date of birth and name, even? Can you find out his National insurance number - from a payslip perhaps. All these details will help if you have to leave- or if he leaves you - and you apply for maintenance.
Check what you might get at entitledto.co.uk

He's no partner to you. You need to have a separate bank account for your money. Keep quiet about all this until you have enough details to track him down if he leaves.

susanboozan · 14/05/2017 13:50

OP, being practical here.... do you know where he works? Do you know what type of job would have him away a few nights a week and EVERY weekend?

I can't think of any on a consistent basis myself.

You need to put your Columbo hat on soon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2017 13:50

Never there at the weekend?? Is your name on the house deeds? As others have speculated, not. He really doesn't care about you and your dd, you're so vulnerable.

CocktailsInTheSunshine · 14/05/2017 13:55

Do you ever see his older DD?

mygorgeousmilo · 14/05/2017 14:02

Seek legal advice. Find the most financially viable way to leave, and then do it. This isn't a relationship

AliceByTheMoon · 14/05/2017 14:04

My first thought was other family too.

So sorry OP. Even if that is not the case, your DP clearly is not any sort of partner or parent.

Start protecting yourself. Keep your powder dry for now, but go and see a solicitor along with every bit of documentation you have. Find out where you stand in real life, then make your decision. If you hardly ever see him, he's hardly going to know if you have gone to get professional advice after all, so even if you decide to do nothing you are no worse off.

Thanks
HappyFlappy · 14/05/2017 14:16

The mortgage is 85% in his name and 15% in mine

Are you in the UK, OP?

I ask because I didn't think tat this was an option here. I thought that if a property was in two or more names, then each individual had an equal clam, regardless of how much they physically pay into it. And if it is one person's name, that person OWNS it - even if the other makes all the payments.

And for ANYONE with a dependent child to say that they don't need insurance is ridiculous - anything can happen, even to young people. I've know men and women in their 20's suffer fatal strokes and heart attacks. Your "P" is a selfish git.

If he really doesn't want to see a solicitor, then he can get a will form from a stationers' and write his own (though if he agrees to do that, PLEASE - keep it simple e.g. 5% of bank account to oldest DD, everything else to User149. Don't use figures e.g. £5,00 to oldest DD, rest to User149 because if there is only £5,000 worth of assets, she will get the lot!

He really needs to think of the child you have between you even if he doesn't think of you.

I can't see why he is prevaricating. It is comparatively cheap, it stops any fights over assets and it makes sure hat the estate goes where he wants it to. You should both make a will actually.

HappyFlappy · 14/05/2017 14:16

Excuse typos - "equal clam"

Graceflorrick · 14/05/2017 14:20

OP, you know exactly what to do- if you're looking for reassurance you've got it. Leave him.

ememem84 · 14/05/2017 14:21

You can agree a percentage of sales proceeds - if if he put in 85% of the deposit and you 15% any sales proceeds would be split that way. That's how ours was agreed prior to us getting married. But you'd need a legal doc.

If both. Ames are on the mortgage though you'd both be jointly liable for the payments.

If there's no will the house would go to his kids (you mention he has a dd from a previous relationship and you have a 10 year old dd - is he the father?)

In also suspecting another family.

specialsubject · 14/05/2017 14:22

Why bother with anyone who refuses to accept facts?

Even if you aren't the second sex partner, he clearly has no respect for you and cares very little. Do what you should have done a decade ago and make yourself safe.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/05/2017 14:24

Happy

I think the OP is getting the mortgage confused with the deeds. Mortgages are joint but you can hold whatever share in the property you want.

Often it is 50/50 but many people couples own their home in unequal shares.

For example a it may be a 90/10 split in favour of the wife but the husband would still be equally responsible for the mortgage even though he only owns 10%

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