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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP isn't really my partner and that I'm financial vulnerable?

146 replies

user1494756649 · 14/05/2017 11:20

DP and I have been together for 14 years.

One DD, 10 years old.

He has an adult DD from a previous relationship.

He works all over the country, with weird hours. Away often overnight and is never here at the weekends.

I work part-time and then look after DD the rest of the time.

Our mortgage isn't 50/50. He put more money in, so I own only about 15%.

He won't write a Will because he cites that rubbish "Common-law" wife stuff, which I keep telling him is incorrect. He's sure that, if he dies, I'll be the beneficiary, along with his adult DD, although he's made absolutely no plan about how this will happen.

He won't discuss the idea of marriage at all.

Life Insurance is a waste, according to him.

He has a business account which is all in his name. All of his earnings go in to there.

He pays a relatively small amount in to our joint account each month, where we are always over-drawn, up to £1,500. My smaller earnings also go in to this account.

Before DD was born, I had a reasonably well-paying job, full time. I resigned to look after DD.

So, I feel as though:

In terms of our relationship, I'm like a lone parent. He never does ANY housework. Every weekend I clean and tidy, with a bit of help from DD, and it's crap. I have no adult to talk to.

We never spend a nice evening together.

I am completely financial vulnerable if he left me, or died.

AIBU?

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/05/2017 14:25

The deeds ownership must reflect the mortgage ownership

Sorry but that's not true.

Daddystepdaddy · 14/05/2017 14:25

The only thing that matters is what is written down in the legal documentation.

You say that you contribute 15% to the mortgage but is this written down anywhere in a legal document? If not, you have no legal stake over the house and you won't get anything should your partner die (if the mortgage is in his name only).

If the mortgage is in both your names and he dies and there is nothing else written then you will be liable for all the mortgage payments - without life insurance this sounds like you would struggle. A life insurance policy will ensure that the remaining balance of the mortgage will be paid off in the event of his death, sounds like a good plan to me.

No will means you won't get anything as you aren't married.

As others have said, unless you get this situation sorted you will be left high and dry if he dies.

Starlight2345 · 14/05/2017 14:28

I think you need to take proper legal advice here.

I think like others have said..You have to consider you are the second family.

You need to find a way to increase your hours to protect yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/05/2017 14:29

What Alice said ^^

Also, I think you should seriously investigate the finances of going back to work full time. I have a feeling that things are NOT going to end well for you and it would be best to be in as strong a financial position as you can.

And your first call Monday morning should be to a solicitor.

lizzyj4 · 14/05/2017 14:32

If the mortgage is in both your names and he dies and there is nothing else written then you will be liable for all the mortgage payments - without life insurance this sounds like you would struggle.

I understood that you had to have insurance to cover the mortgage (at the very least) as a requirement of getting a mortgage?

GrassWillBeGreener · 14/05/2017 14:38

Insurance tends to be a requirement for mortgages with a high loan to valuation ratio, if your equity is higher then insurance may not be required by your lender.

QueenLaBeefah · 14/05/2017 14:39

I might be wrong about this (because I'm not a lawyer!) but if he is married already and he dies then his wife (who presumably knows nothing about you) will own his share of the house.

Please get legal advice as soon as humanly possible. You need to protect you and your daughter financially.

BoredandConfused · 14/05/2017 14:50

You're right Queen. If ownership of the property is as "tenant's in common" as opposed to "joint tenants" which based on what the OP has said, it seems to be. Without a will that says otherwise, his share of the property will form part of his estate and if no legal will exists, it will be distributed according to the laws of intestacy. This means that OP won't have a claim on it. Her DD would (equally with any other DC) but only if there is no wife. If there is, the first £250,000 of the estate would go to her with half of the remainder split between her and the DC.

LeninaCrowne · 14/05/2017 14:54

I agree that somethings smells fishy about your "partner" OP.

I would carefully check the legal situation regarding the housse -mortgage - how much is owed, how much you actually own, what capital repayment vehicle is put in place what would happen if he dies etc. - you need to work out exactly where you stand.

Presumably marriages and divorces are public records - can you find out cheaply if he is still married, who he works for and what his n.i. number and d.o.b. is?

I think you need to make serious plans to secure you and your daughter's home and financial future.

Goingtobeawesome · 14/05/2017 14:58

This sounds terrifying for you.

Assume he's no longer on your side. He doesn't want the best for you or his younger child. Make plans for your new life alone with your DD .

coconutpie · 14/05/2017 14:58

Sounds like he has another family ...

Mum2jenny · 14/05/2017 15:02

If he has a business and files accounts at Companies House, you can google him if he's a director. It will give you a business address (often his accountants), however it will also give other people associated with his business which may include another partner/ wife, but would give you a starting point if you ever needed to find him.

LeninaCrowne · 14/05/2017 15:07

Go to Companies House Beta and do a search on his name.

Chottie · 14/05/2017 15:07

OP - are you OK?

This must be an awful shock for you, feeling you don't know the person you have spent so many years with. I hope things work out for you.

LeninaCrowne · 14/05/2017 15:13

That thread about the French Martini Bastard where someone commented that they could find out info on people, why not pm them.

Honeybee79 · 14/05/2017 15:16

If you have the resources, get a pi to investigate him and do some digging online for yourself.

Pls take advice from a decent local solicitor and take steps to protect you and your daughter. This doesn't sound right at all.

LeninaCrowne · 14/05/2017 15:20

@whattheactualfudge - I think the OP could do with your assistance!

lalalalyra · 14/05/2017 15:22

You need to know the situation with your house and mortgage at the very, very minimum op.

You need to know if you own the house as joint tenants or tenants in common. You need to know that if he gets hit with a bus tomorrow if the house automatically belongs to you or if you own a share of it.

Does he have a middle name or an unusual name? In your shoes I'd be checking online to see if he is married.

Where does he go at weekends? Is it work or something else he claims he is doing? Do you know his family - parents, siblings? Do you know his friends? If you do know friends are they from different places - I know one woman who was a second family and didn't realise, but after she found out she realised that the only friends she knew were from one sports club rather than a couple from here and a few from there.

You are in a vulnerable position because you don't know. Once you know where you stand then you'll be a lot less vulnerable.

You need to find out because if he does have another family and anything ever happens then you may never find out - he may just not come back one day. You need to protect yourself and your child by finding out.

SquinkiesRule · 14/05/2017 15:35

Oh Dear OP you seem to have opened a can of worms here. I hope you can get it all sorted.

Ginger782 · 14/05/2017 15:38

Here's hoping that the OP didn't communicate things very well in her opening post and everyone has misunderstood the living situation!

Elendon · 14/05/2017 15:56

You are vulnerable and you should not be in a partnership. You should cut your loss in this relationship and get out. And get yourself a solicitor before you do this and write your will for your DD. Then leave.

Elendon · 14/05/2017 16:00

I know someone whose husband left her for someone else. She wasn't on the mortgage though. She has been left high and dry by him. He knew exactly what he was doing. They have two daughters together.

Pentapus · 14/05/2017 16:03

Another here thinking OP's DP has another (first) family.

OP, you've gone quiet, are you OK?

specialsubject · 14/05/2017 16:15

Poor woman if even half of this is true.

BTW even if married, no will causes big problems if estate is over 250 k. Only a dickhead doesn't make a will.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2017 16:32

Op are you coming back? Have you seen the mortgage paperwork and house deeds? How do uou know you have 15 percent. Have you seen evidence of this?

As for him away at weekends, are you saying he actually doesn't come home? I'm sorry to say it but are you sure this man isn't in another relationship?

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