to think DP isn't really my partner and that I'm financial vulnerable?

[user1494756649]

DP and I have been together for 14 years.

One DD, 10 years old.

He has an adult DD from a previous relationship.

He works all over the country, with weird hours. Away often overnight and is never here at the weekends.

I work part-time and then look after DD the rest of the time.

Our mortgage isn't 50/50. He put more money in, so I own only about 15%.

He won't write a Will because he cites that rubbish "Common-law" wife stuff, which I keep telling him is incorrect. He's sure that, if he dies, I'll be the beneficiary, along with his adult DD, although he's made absolutely no plan about how this will happen.

He won't discuss the idea of marriage at all.

Life Insurance is a waste, according to him.

He has a business account which is all in his name. All of his earnings go in to there.

He pays a relatively small amount in to our joint account each month, where we are always over-drawn, up to £1,500. My smaller earnings also go in to this account.

Before DD was born, I had a reasonably well-paying job, full time. I resigned to look after DD.

So, I feel as though:

In terms of our relationship, I'm like a lone parent. He never does ANY housework. Every weekend I clean and tidy, with a bit of help from DD, and it's crap. I have no adult to talk to.

We never spend a nice evening together.

I am completely financial vulnerable if he left me, or died.

AIBU?

Sorry for what you're going through op 💐

How about going to the Citizens advice bureau if you can't afford a solicitor.

Find whatever spare cash you can to see a solictor- it'll be the best money you ever spend

Do you know how much the mortgage amount is, OP? If so, it may not be hugely expensive for you to take out a life policy for that amount so that the mortgage is paid off should he die.

If he isn't married to his ex (or anyone else!), and hasn't made a will, his share of the house would be split between his children in the event of his death. Your daughter would inherit half his share, which would be held in trust until she reaches 18, so her 42.5% and your 15% would give you 57.5% of the net value. If you had insurance to clear the outstanding mortgage, you could possibly raise another mortgage to buy his other daughter's share.

I certainly don't think you should be paying 50% of the mortgage for 15% of the house, that's simply not fair. I'd reduce my contribution to 15% and explain to him why I was doing it.

Re the "common law wife" myth, there must be loads of stuff about this online. Print some screenshots of relevant webpages and show them to him. Maybe then he'll believe you that your daughter's security would fly out of the window in the event of his death.

I also think you should get some free legal advice. Make sure you have all the relevant info: the deed of trust or whatever that sets out your respective shares of the property, the type of mortgage you have (repayment or interest only), the amount outstanding and approximate value of the house.

I'd also want to be positive that he's not still married to his ex, or anyone else for that matter. Perhaps his other daughter might know?

You need to have an open conversation with him about his income too. For all you know, you might be entitled to tax credits and not be claiming them.

I hope you manage to get something sorted OP.

I agree that you should speak to a solicitor. To minimise cost gather together all documents and put the info in a spreadsheet.
House value, bought on x date, mortgage £ when bought, mortgage £ now. I pay x per month he pays x.
The solicitor you used to buy the house may still have documents stating whether you are joint tenants or tenants in common (don't go this route if it was cousins place of work). If you emailed back the initial paperwork to the solicitor you may have it on your email sent items.

You say he visited the solicitor cousin when you were at a midwifes appointment. Did you already own the house jointly? Did you sign an agreement (deed of trust) at the time of the purchase or retrospectively? If it was retrospective did you take independent legal advice? If it was retrospective without independent legal advice you need to speak to a solicitor about this.

I would go onto entitled to and find out how ou would be financially if you split up. I'd then look to obtain evidence of his income if possible. Plus his NI number. Does he own his own business or is he employed?

Your position is precarious but you need to know the facts.

OP you have some great advice here. He sounds awful, please protect you and your child. No one who loves you would want you to be vulnerable

I don't know if this is practical for you OP, but you need to start stashing some cash away, cash that he will know nothing about (aka a fuck you fund). Start your own account to deposit your wages into, even if you end up transferring them to the joint account later. They should start in YOUR OWN account, just as his does.

Are you entitled to any benefits? If so, where do they go? They also should be going into an account in your sole name.

By having an account in your own name, you can 'skim' some off to save up. Plus if there's an overdraft you can ask HIM to clear part of it, not for all your wages to be used for it.

My dear, and I say this with the best intentions, he's playing you for a fool. Please, please don't let it continue.

Thanks everyone for the excellent advise. I'm very, very grateful.

First thing I'll do is open a bank account. Maybe something with a high interest rate, as I don't have a lot to deposit.

Job hunting too.

Stop paying your full salary into the joint account - tell him he needs to sort out the overdraft on the joint account. I'd also put his name on the council tax bill as well as yours...

Op- if you can't move your salary 'safely' and securely for whatever reason, then pay for everything using debit card and use cashback to take small amounts out at a time to stash.

I've read a few times on here of women doing a weekly shop and taking some money out as cash back. It is recorded as one transaction on the bank statement and the cash taken can be deposited in a separate account.

Yeah, first time I ever encountered it was a friend of mine who was a victim of DV and her H monitored the bank statements.

Are there really solicitors that work for free? Very odd way to run a business. All stopped offering that around here.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this but if he dies without life insurance the mortgage will not be paid off and there will be nothing to leave you or his DCs.

You will be liable for the whole mortgage. Can you afford that on your own?

If you can't the house would have to be sold or repossessed.

He won't write a Will because he cites that rubbish "Common-law" wife stuff, which I keep telling him is incorrect. He's sure that, if he dies, I'll be the beneficiary, along with his adult DD, although he's made absolutely no plan about how this will happen

I wonder if you could print off the factual information that this isn't true what he would say then?

Some solicitors will do a free 30 minute appointment. Alternatively, try CAB.

You say he saw his cousin when you had an appointment elsewhere, but you must have signed the deeds and mortgage at a solicitors, yet you don't mention that.

If you're paying 50/50 on the mortgage, you might have earned what's called a "beneficial interest". Might be an idea to read up on that, and ask solicitor/CAB about it.

Do you think he really knows that your situation is precarious or does he just not care?

I can understand protecting his investment at the start of a childless relationship, but now it would be clear to anyone that you have put in over the years more than a 15% contribution.

He must be able to see that (he might need it spelt out because he may not have thought of it).

It does sound like he might be wilfully disregarding your future.

Just wanted to say it's a horrible situation for you user1494, but at least you are aware and there is some very good advice here. I think solicitor is first port of call and perhaps your present work would be able to give you full time hours. Definitely get your wages paid into your own account first, then to the joint account, if the shit hits the fan he will clean that out immediately. Good luck and be strong for your dd.

CAB are unlikely to do anything other than give OP the factsheet telling her the difference between marriage and cohabitation and signpost her to local family lawyers. They're extremely unlikely to be able to give substantial advice on beneficial interests and the like. I would expect to need a solicitor. The free 30 minutes is oft discussed on here, the crux of it is that some solicitors do them, not all by any means, and it can be anything from a glorified marketing exercise to genuinely invaluable.

OP, interest rates are shit at the moment but weirdly, the best ones are for current accounts. TSB are doing 2% on anything up to £1500 balance and they also give a tenner cashback a month if you meet the conditions. So that can be £160 a year for doing nothing. Do open something for yourself.

Where CAB would be useful is benefits advice. OP do you happen to know if you're in an area where Universal Credit is still being trialled, or are you tax credits still?

I had 30 minutes free from 2 different solicitors before picking one.

Agree get your wages and any benefits eg child benefit paid into it.

Do you know where he keeps documents? Sounds like there's plenty of time when he isn't there to go through every bit of paperwork you can find and see if you can work out the mortgage/ownership. I'd photograph anything you find to keep or show to a solicitor.

I'd also go through his emails sent/deleted as well as inbox if you can.

Good luck