to think DP isn't really my partner and that I'm financial vulnerable?

[user1494756649]

DP and I have been together for 14 years.

One DD, 10 years old.

He has an adult DD from a previous relationship.

He works all over the country, with weird hours. Away often overnight and is never here at the weekends.

I work part-time and then look after DD the rest of the time.

Our mortgage isn't 50/50. He put more money in, so I own only about 15%.

He won't write a Will because he cites that rubbish "Common-law" wife stuff, which I keep telling him is incorrect. He's sure that, if he dies, I'll be the beneficiary, along with his adult DD, although he's made absolutely no plan about how this will happen.

He won't discuss the idea of marriage at all.

Life Insurance is a waste, according to him.

He has a business account which is all in his name. All of his earnings go in to there.

He pays a relatively small amount in to our joint account each month, where we are always over-drawn, up to £1,500. My smaller earnings also go in to this account.

Before DD was born, I had a reasonably well-paying job, full time. I resigned to look after DD.

So, I feel as though:

In terms of our relationship, I'm like a lone parent. He never does ANY housework. Every weekend I clean and tidy, with a bit of help from DD, and it's crap. I have no adult to talk to.

We never spend a nice evening together.

I am completely financial vulnerable if he left me, or died.

AIBU?

Just some for you OP.
Really hope you're okay and not completely overwhelmed as a result of your thread. Look after yourself and get some rl support. Be it friends or family for a big hug and or professional and legal.
Get your ducks in a row and stay strong

I think this was a situation where the OP posted thinking hoping we'd all pooh-pooh her concerns. But instead we've not only confirmed them, we've 'multiplied' them.

I have a feeling that OP is reeling and probably is not posting because we've given her such a shock. I know it would take me some time to digest things if I had such eye opening responses!!

OP, take your time, think things through carefully. Come back if/when you are up to it.

Hello everyone. Thank you for your thoughts and your advice. You're right, I am feeling very sad, worried and lonely.

I know DP is definitely working away as his phone is always going and I can hear the voices. I've met many of his colleagues over the years and he does the odd Facebook post here and there, while he's away.

I have met his DD many times over the years and she's very nice. Just moving out from home, as she lived with her mum and younger brother.

DP is a workaholic and, if he's not at work, is always chasing work. I see enough evidence around the house, printed emails, diary etc. He's not clever enough to have another family and is too tight with his money.

I know his sisters and they would have let something slip before now. They idolise him, so there's no point in talking to them about it.

I think it must be the deeds to the house that I'm named as owning 15%. His cousin is his solicitor and advised him to guard his investment when we bought it.

I don't know anything about solicitors and don't have the money to pay for one, so I'll go to WH Smith and buy a Will writing pack and do mine as soon as I can.

I'll also start looking for a fulltime job, which will be tricky with DD's school hours, but I need to make some proper money. I'd like to be independent and a lot less lonely.

What does he do that requires him to work away every weekend?

I don't want to out myself, so won't go in to detail but he works in events.

As far as I know all of his colleagues also work at the weekends.

It isn't very well paid work, but he does a lot of hours.

You say you don't have the money for solicitors, but if you could somehow find it, you should consult a solicitor with as many factual details as possible of the financial arrangements between you and ask the solicitor to write you a letter setting out the consequences for you and your daughter of various events, such as his death, your death, separation etc. That way you could then state your precarious financial position to your partner with some authority and insist that some proper measures be put in place. They would include a will, perhaps a recasting of the mortgage arrangements and anything else in which you feel exposed. This would probably be a couple of hours work for the solicitor and at provincial rates ought to cost no more than £500. No small sum, admittedly, but there is a lot at stake here. Perhaps you then need to talk to your partner about the future of your relationship, because there doesn't seem to be much of one at the moment

Thanks for coming back user. Glad you're okay.

You know your situation more than we do, putting two and two together and possibly coming up with 72 but do start protecting you and your DD. If all is as you say, get his cousin to emphasize how important it is to get a valid will drawn up. He obviously listens to him and he needs a rocket up his ass.

How often is he actually at home?

I think you need to be telling him you intend to go back to work full time and he is obliged to stump up half (at least!) of the associated childcare costs to assist you in doing so. At least then you will start to have your own income and money so you will, hopefully, feel a bit more secure and able to do what you want with the rest of your life.

I think it must be the deeds to the house that I'm named as owning 15%. His cousin is his solicitor and advised him to guard his investment when we bought it.

Seems to me that if you're limited to only 15% ownership (i.e. profit), then you should only be paying 15% of the mortgage!

Do you think the % are still correct based on what each of you has paid in so far? If you've been paying 1/2 the mortgage wouldn't your % 'invested' in the house via monthly payments have increased by now? If so, it should be reflected in the deeds, with a higher % or instead of a %, the money amount he put in being 'protected'. I think they call it 'ring fencing' and would be worded such that if the house is sold he'd get a his deposit amount + half the equity (or something like that). Something I think you need to talk to a solicitor about.

If he's not willing to protect you along with his children (at least at 1/3 each upon his death) then I think you need to think about your future.

I would have a discussion with him that your contribution has also been brining up DD which has financial value and after 10 years of doing that you believe the deeds should be amended to reflect that as a nanny and housekeeper would have cost him £x per year...

Even if it's not 50% you deserve far more than 15%!

Explain that you will be finding full time work and he will have to pay 50% of the childcare bill and 50% of the cleaner's bill as he isn't there doing his 50% of either...

Do you have any of your own family close by who could help with your DD if you were to work full time?
Are the house bills in your name or his? They should be in his.
Is he aware your joint account is overdrawn? He needs to start putting extra money in this to fill in the hole.

Thanks everyone. I'll check the deeds and mortgage details again.

He does listen to his cousin, but I don't know how to contact him. DP met with him when I had a midwife appointment (I think that was the case).

The other issue is that DP never wanted children, but finally relented and I became pregnant. He's always seen her existence as a massive favour to me and brings this up every time I say that I have to do all the childcare etc.

I see him some evenings, but he's always very busy then so we don't ever just sit and chat. Sometimes he's at home in the day times, but that's when I'm out at work.

Another tale really, but it annoys me when he then wants sex and he hasn't even asked how I am or what I've been doing. He comes home, ignores me, eats, makes work calls. Anyway, that's just grumbling and besides the point really.

I don't have any family, so no help.

Yes, he knows it's always overdrawn. It scares me.

The house bills are all in his name. Council Tax is mine though.

We have a joint current account and he has a business account.

I don't know about his pension because he's not keen on discussing it.

Honestly, OP, I think you should be getting everything together to leave him and make a happy life for yourself and your daughter.

Unfortunately I don't have £500 for a solicitor. I'll start trying to save that though.

user what are you getting out of this relationship?

Sometimes we're never more alone than when we're with a partner we shouldn't be. It sounds to me this is the case with you. Please don't ignore the red flags.

So you are housekeeper, provider of sexual services and parent to a child he isn't bothered about?

Some relationship! Waste no more time.

A lot of solicitors will offer a free initial consultation user. Just make sure that you don't go to your DPs cousin's firm inadvertently.

I think finances are a bit part of why I stay.

I'm now resolved to find a full-time job and sort myself out.

You should be abe to get 30 mins free advice from a solicitor. Wishing you luck tomorrow.

but finally relented and I became pregnant
Guess he got to thinking and realised that your having a baby would give him an advantage, makes you more vulnerable and easy to control, also give him something to hold against you....he did you a big favour and now you owe him and will pay it back with interest for ever
Turn the tables and take this POS to the cleaners

Well I'd stop doing any domestic duties that are for him, his washing, his cleaning, his ironing...

If you split then he'd have to pay maintenance, you may be a lot better off!

@LeninaCrowne

@whattheactualfudge - I think the OP could do with your assistance!

😝