to think DP isn't really my partner and that I'm financial vulnerable?

[user1494756649]

DP and I have been together for 14 years.

One DD, 10 years old.

He has an adult DD from a previous relationship.

He works all over the country, with weird hours. Away often overnight and is never here at the weekends.

I work part-time and then look after DD the rest of the time.

Our mortgage isn't 50/50. He put more money in, so I own only about 15%.

He won't write a Will because he cites that rubbish "Common-law" wife stuff, which I keep telling him is incorrect. He's sure that, if he dies, I'll be the beneficiary, along with his adult DD, although he's made absolutely no plan about how this will happen.

He won't discuss the idea of marriage at all.

Life Insurance is a waste, according to him.

He has a business account which is all in his name. All of his earnings go in to there.

He pays a relatively small amount in to our joint account each month, where we are always over-drawn, up to £1,500. My smaller earnings also go in to this account.

Before DD was born, I had a reasonably well-paying job, full time. I resigned to look after DD.

So, I feel as though:

In terms of our relationship, I'm like a lone parent. He never does ANY housework. Every weekend I clean and tidy, with a bit of help from DD, and it's crap. I have no adult to talk to.

We never spend a nice evening together.

I am completely financial vulnerable if he left me, or died.

AIBU?

Another one here thinking....he has another family, OP.

And this has been going on for 10 years?

My first thought was a second family too sorry OP

You need to secure a better future for you and your daughter. I also think he may already be married and have another family elsewhere.

Have you met the rest of his family? Parents, siblings, adult DD?

OP are you sure you're not the other woman? He's probably got the house down as an investment property to his wife and claims to her her works away a day or so a week.

Oh God this common law wife thing makes me want to scream. There is no such thing. These people don't even know what common law is.

Always away at weekends? Why?

What makes you think you own 15% of the house? The only way it could be divided that way would be if you have both signed a deed, declaring yourselves joint owners as tenants in common, stating that percentage. Otherwise, the person whose names are on the deeds owns it. If that's just him, you're not even a tenant, you're just giving him money while living as his guest.

As you know, if he dies intestate his DCs inherit everything. Or, any wife, or person named in a will you don't know about.

He's away a lot, never here at the weekends, won't acknowledge your relationship legally (making a will). I'm sorry to ask this OP, but - could he have another relationship elsewhere, where he spends weekends and the nights he's not with you ?

I'm afraid to say, I'm another one whose first thoughts were that he has a wife and another family and you're the other woman.

This is awful. There will be something behind this- whether it be second family, debt, addiction etc.

You need to tell him in an objective way how you feel and what the legalities of the situation are. Tell him you feel vulnerable. But don't get angry, this will make him defensive and dig his heels in more. Ask him why he won't do what you have asked for in the past. Then you need to give him an ultimatum.

Like others have said, I can't see what is in this relationship for you? Do you love him?

Op..another one thinking he has another family. Think you need to look after yourself and dd here. 15%!!! Unless house is a couple of million...what happens if he dies or you split up.

This is fucking ridiculous and your child is 10? You should have sorted this out before having a child with him, or at the very least made some arrangements when pregnant but to wait 10 years when it's too late is mad.

Why have you stayed with him for this long OP? You are getting nothing out of this relationship.

At the very least, get your names on the deeds.

Where are you OP?

Who says you only own 15% ?

What does he do with the rest if his money ?

I'd start snooping and getting proper legal advice.

He has someone else, OP. But no, he's not a 'partner'.

I'd be amazed if he doesn't have another family.

Turn super sleuth
If you uncover significant things retreat to a safe distance and then press the red button and expose him

You are vulnerable.

A. Try and get back into full time work ASAP
B. Make an appointment with CAB and find out what your rights are.

It does sound like you and your daughter are a secret second family.

I haven't read the whole thread.

Dear God, woman, wake up! If things are as you say, it's perfectly obvious he has a 'real' wife who he sees at weekends.

You are screwed. Start making plans. Do some real sleuthing, or get someone else to do it for you. Who the heck is he?

I'm guessing you bought the house as other posters have mentioned as "tenant's in common" rather than "joint tenants". You should be aware that you are still responsible for 100% of the mortgage payments if anything happens to him, regardless of what the deeds say. This in itself leaves you incredibly vulnerable. His share of the property without a will stating otherwise, would go to his DC or worryingly if there is a second family with a wife as opposed to OW, his wife. I'm not convinced there is a wife in the background (but that's purely based on the fact that he appears to have been able to put down considerably more than you on the property) but wouldn't rule out another family. Has he always worked in the way you described or did it develop over the course of your relationship?

You are right, you are extremely vulnerable financially. Given the fact that you have broached this with him unsuccessfully and he is refusing to even agree to life insurance and basic wills, this is not a man you want to be spending any of your precious time and energy on. If he does not care enough about you and your DD to pay what is likely a few pounds a month life insurance, he is not worth your angst. Regardless of whether you are the OW or not, he is treating you like one and you and your DD deserve better.

Really? Have you ever considered the fact you and your DD are the 'family on the side'?

What makes you think he doesn't have another family? He's always always always gone at weekends and periodically throughout the week ... at home with his 'real' family?

What makes you think he doesn't have a will ... because he says so? He probably does. You're not in it. His other family is.

He spouts common law wife because he knows it's meaningless. He has a real wife.

What makes you think he doesn't have life insurance ... because he says so? He probably does. You're not the beneficiary. His other family is.

This sounds more plausible I'm afraid. I hope I'm wrong. You are incredibly vulnerable.

He probably has a will, life insurance and all that. You just wont be the beneficiary.

That's not a partner, that's someone who pops round once in a while for sex and food. You're the housekeeper.

OP are you okay?
Lot to take in....probably more than you expected. We might not be the adult you want to talk to in rl, but we are here for you