AIBU to be really upset with SIL?

[WarwickAlice]

DH and I are expecting our first baby in September. My SIL rang DH tonight to tell him she has just found she is 5 months pregnant and didn't realise. The child is due less than a week after ours. I'm so angry and upset. SIL is her parents' favourite and she and her other child are treated like golden balls. My heart breaks for my husband. This will be his first baby and yet his mum and dad's attention will now be squarely on the other one, and our child will be constantly overshadowed for its whole life. Call me selfish, but just once - just this once - I was looking forward to the attention being on us, when it's always on golden balls. I am meant to see his family tomorrow but I'm so upset I may cancel. Is there anyone else who understands my hurt, or AIBU?

You are being totally irrational and unreasonable but that is because emotions are not reasonable things. They come from deep down and we can't turn them on and off or control them. PPs telling you not to feel hurt /jealous/upset do are equally unreasonable.

What you can control is your behaviour, so put on a smile and congratulate your SIL - every new life is a gift and and hopefully this cousin will be a lifelong friend and companion to your DC.

I get you too OP.

My DH is the black sheep of his family, SiL is the golden child. I knew DH when we were 15/16 and it's still the same 25 years and 5 grandchildren (between us) later.

Our children have noticed the difference too.

We just don't see them much any more.

Get a grip, she didn't plan it and it's not a competition. My sil {db DW} was pregnant with her first child and her own db ended up having a baby shortly afterwards and I my third 6 months after my dniece during half way through my pregnancy dh sis ended up pregnant. No one stolen anyone's happiness. You don't know what will happen in regards to your dh parents as they have yet to actually be grandparents to your child so you are massively jumping the gun.

bararianmum He never has a problem visiting when he wants to lend money...

Mrs it is quite true that some kids are more loved than others. However. I am not attempting to encourage that thinking, simply explaining why I think the OP deserves sympathy not scorn.

Being the golden child isn't always a golden ticket. It's a much deeper and darker mine shaft to climb out of.

Thank you to those of you who have posted kind words, and words of advice. You have helped me see the positives in this and helped me deal with my feelings. I was very hurt when I started this thread. My words and feelings clearly were unreasonable but I couldn't see this at the time. I had just found out and yes, I over reacted. I hope my later posts have shown that there is actually more to this than just jealousy and selfishness.

To those who have shared nothing but bile and hate: if you are so perfect, and have never over reacted, never had any irrational feelings, never thought anything bad of anyone else, never felt jealous, never reacted selfishly and never been angry, I applaud you. Perhaps instead of judging me as a terrible person who doesn't deserve my child, you could share some of your secrets of perfectness with those seeking help on this forum, rather than kicking them when they're down.

Specifically to the person who said, "I feel sorry for your baby because it will grow up with such a selfish mother" (message now deleted by Mumsnet), I just wanted to say that words like those are corrosive and not easily forgotten. They have been on my mind, upsetting me and eating at me all day. I hope people are kinder on your threads.

Good post OP. Please ignore any stupid comments like the one you mentioned. Focus on the best way forward, not the gutter comments.

Good luck.

You are focusing your anger at SIL because she's the favourite, yet the blame is on PILs, if that's the case.

You are also assuming that PILs would focus their attention on this other child and you are already bitter about him/her. This other baby is innocent and deserves all your love too, don't be bitter about him/her. It's your first child, your PILs might be over all their grandchildren, you cannot know that. I understand wanting to have attention for your child, I've been there too. But at the end of the day, I actually did not want too much interference and unsolicited advice, so I have a good deal! Make sure your child has constant contact with your in-laws and they will have a nice bond. Children see life and family with different eyes, you are visualising your fears and getting worried and hurt in the process. Whatever relationship your MIL has with SIL and DH, it won't extend automatically to your children. Unless you choose so by limiting contact.

Op when people react it is usually more about them than it is you. Perhaps the horrible posters are also struggling with infertility and would love to have a child and not care at all who else is due at the same time? Do not take their words to heart.

That was a strong and positive message Alice. You will get there and be a strong mummy.

Sadly it is always the most damning messages, which have the most impact. This is because they are not offering the validation and understanding we all want. Ironically these people are also looking for validation and understanding. Their messages of bile are masking their pain and anguish. It is hard to feel compassion for those, who need it most.

The main people in your baby's life will be the people who love him/her to bits. It doesn't matter one jot that one set of GPs are going to be focused elsewhere - that doesn't have to ever register on your child's radar. Spend all your time and energy with relatives and friends who are loving and positive.

Your SIL has done nothing wrong and it will be nice for your DC to have a little cousin the same age.

If your PiL play favourites then just don't expose your DC to their toxicity - you don't need to and you have a responsibility to protect your child from that environment.

Good post, Alice.

Hopefully you, your husband and your sil can work through this and make their parents favouritism irrelevant.

OP the problem with AIBU is that some posters feel the only appropriate way to say YABU is to do it in the meanest, most hurtful way possible. I think they get a kick out of it.

FWIW whilst I've never been in your exact situation I do have a father and step mum who I think have always favored step mum's grandchildren over all others. The gnawing resentment really started affecting my relationship with my father and step sister. In the end I realized that I have no control over their, or anyone else's, behavior but I can control how I react to it. I made a conscious choice to stop feeling resentful and to just let it go. It's taken a bit of discipline but once I got the hang of it it was relatively easy. I now don't get screwed up over every little thing and my relationships with father, step mum and step sis are much better.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

Alice
Hide this thread if subsequent posters don't see your update and react to the OP.

YWBU, but you know that already. The day the baby is born you won't care one bit what anyone else thinks. Get ready for the greatest love of your life. Congratulations!

My Dsis is the golden child in our family and her DCs are the favourite grandchildren.

Our first children were born three years apart and our second children were born very close together. it makes no difference. Every conversation with my DM about my children is turned into a conversation about hers. Everything my DCs achieve is compared to hers. Any plans we make have to fit around my Dsis and her DCs.

At my DC2's christening, my DM talked so much about her other DGCs that a couple of my friends asked me if she was aware that my DCs were her DGCs too. It helped me to know that I wasn't imagining it.

The only way to deal with it is to try to make peace with it. It is what it is. You can't change it.

I have only challenged my DM when the unfairness was blatant in front of my DCs. Otherwise I try to let it wash over me.

Think about it and be upset until you have processed it enough to put it to the back of your mind. Then focus on your own little family, spend lots of time with your own parents and enjoy your baby. It will be OK.

I think it'd be a good idea to bear in mind that the grandparents here haven't yet had a chance to do anything wrong. Why not wait till they've done something to condemn them?