AIBU to be really upset with SIL?

[WarwickAlice]

DH and I are expecting our first baby in September. My SIL rang DH tonight to tell him she has just found she is 5 months pregnant and didn't realise. The child is due less than a week after ours. I'm so angry and upset. SIL is her parents' favourite and she and her other child are treated like golden balls. My heart breaks for my husband. This will be his first baby and yet his mum and dad's attention will now be squarely on the other one, and our child will be constantly overshadowed for its whole life. Call me selfish, but just once - just this once - I was looking forward to the attention being on us, when it's always on golden balls. I am meant to see his family tomorrow but I'm so upset I may cancel. Is there anyone else who understands my hurt, or AIBU?

Antigrinch - great post. I think pregnancy ks romanticised so much now. Sunny garden parties with mum to be in a floaty cotton dress, weekends away for that last bit of freedom, painting the nursery together and rooms full of beautiful expensive gifts.

It was actually working until one goes into labour, arguing about flat pack furniture, being skint, friends being too busy having fun drinking gin to see you. And then you have the baby and nothing and nobody actually matters for a while.

Thank you. My pils are not bad people but their behaviour can be very hurtful, and there have been times in the past that this has been deliberate. I think we have turned a corner but I'm worried that this will drive another wedge between us all again. I guess I am just overreacting but there is a lot of history between me, DH, pils and SIL. I'm probably being irrational but something life-changing happened in the past with SIL and I was scapegoated and really hurt by it. I just want everything to be OK between us all, and don't want anything to break the fragile peace we now have. I guess this hurt might actually be fear in disguise.

I will definitely try to focus on the positives. It will be nice to have someone to share things with, and I would like our children to be close growing up. Thank you to those who pointed this out because I couldn't see it earlier.

My parents are around, and I know that they love this baby as much as DH and I do, so even if all of these fears about pils come true the baby will still be loved. I am not a bad person. I love this child and want to be a good mum. I am not a bad person, despite what some of these posts have said. Please don't hate me. I have never taken this child for granted.

Your baby will have an amazing life and you will be fabulous parents. It literally matters not one jot about your PILS

Get a bloody grip

You can't be this self centred when you're a parent.

You sound very precious and very self centered.

"I think we have turned a corner but I'm worried that this will drive another wedge between us all again."

Aim for the best, flatter their niceness and kindness, praise them when they do well and treat children and grandchildren fairly.

That's what I would do, praise the good.

"...something life-changing happened in the past with SIL and I was scapegoated and really hurt by it. I just want everything to be OK between us all, and don't want anything to break the fragile peace we now have. I guess this hurt might actually be fear in disguise."

Did this issue get resolved, if so, move on.

"I am not a bad person, despite what some of these posts have said."

of course you are not bad, lots of people on mumsnet are just nuts and like coing on here and making themselves feel better by being horrible! Don't waste your energy on them.

"Please don't hate me." No one hates you, some posters just like to act in a mean way, it's not about you, it is about them!

You need to get over yoursleves.

Did you really plan this baby so you could monopolise other people's attention?

I understand your frustration, but I only had one horrible grandmother, whereas at least your child will have two decent grandparents and a cousin the same age, which is brilliant.

You're missing the silver lining here.... Best make sure your baby is the new goldenballs of the next genration !!

First one to sleep through the night
First one sitting, walking and talking
First one to be potty trained

Ah years of fun and to be had here.

Find out SILs Name ideas and steal them?

I am joking of course. Your worry here is truly a non issue. There is a time and a place for competitiveness and having babies is not it. Congratulations for the baby on the way and lovely they will have a cousin close in age.

OP, something similar happened with us, only my SIL got pregnant with her second baby five months after I got pregnant with my first. She did plan it, because she really wanted a girl and she was worried I'd have the first girl

Her first born, a son, doesn't even walk yet, and now they've just found out the new baby is another boy!

I don't feel annoyed with her, it's her life. I'm glad my baby will have cousins close in age to play with frankly.

Moreover, I'm just glad that the focus will be off me a few months after mine comes along and my PIL will have their hands full helping her with a 16month old and her newborn

My brother is the golden child in the family. First born. Male so naturally superior . I had an emotionally and at times physically abusive childhood. My mother is a far better grandmother than she ever was mother. My dd is almost 3 years older than my nephew. I don't feel that he is golden child in my mother's eyes. It is my brother and his wife, who treat my child as inferior, seriously inferior. Sil has screamed and shouted at my daughter (who is 8) and said all manner of nasty things all generally not in earshot of my brother. My brother also treats dd seriously differently and has told my mother about my dds behaviour and resulted in her telling me I need to get my dd in hand. This was 18 months ago (her behaviour was totally normal btw - she was being silly and 7). Their behaviour says more about them than it does about my lovely and kind dd.

I have brought my dd up knowing that not all grown ups were taught by their mummy's and daddy's that all children are equal and should be treated the same. Several times, I have had to take dd aside to talk about their behaviour. I have tried in the past to confront third behaviour and they were truly awful. Sil had and epiphany 16 months ago and I thought we could move forward but it was either just for show or else short lived.

Dd knows their behaviour is about them. She also knows sadly despite my best efforts, the relationship has broken down due to sils recent outrageous behaviour. Dh and I now have to protect her from my sil as she is so scared of her. Arguing back with my sil is futile because she is such a vicious and manipulative character and my brother is well and truly in her grasp. I feel so sorry for her son, who is being taught to do whatever he wants to do and disregard everyone else's feelings. He's 6. He's her child and there is nothing I can do. I am now resolved that he will turn out like her and he can seek me out for love and care when he is an adult should he so desire. I will be waiting. 😢

It sounds as though you have a far better relationship with your bil and sil than I do with my brother and sil. Embrace it as others have said. This could be a new and exciting chapter in your lives. And if your sil and bil genuinely care and love you and your child, they will do what they are able to ensure your baby is treated fairly. And if they don't, you will deal with it as I have dealt with it. By not taking the shit and refusing to see your child hurt. And if necessary by having periods of no contact as I have had with both my mother and brother/sil.

OP I was like you too. Also took ages to conceive. My MIL is like this and it used to upset me deeply. However the seperation/indifference has been a huge positive as it meant we have had freedom to parent without interference. Lower your expectations of them and you will hurt less. Accept them as crap. Find the humour in their outrageous ways and laugh about it with your best friend. Care less for them. Need less from them

Embrace anything that does work. Relationships with your own siblings and close friendships. It's likely you will slowly make new good friendships too through your child.

OP "Call me selfish"

Can I call you a nutter instead?

You sound either awful or hormonal. FFS get some perspective. All the sad/hurtful things in the world and you're all "poor us cos SIL's baby is coming a week before ours".

Golden balls!! Teehee

First of all, don't refer to your sister in laws child as "golden balls". Appalling way to refer to a child. You ought to be thinking about how not to stereotype children in a hurtful and dismissive way.

My parents are around, and I know that they love this baby as much as DH and I do, so even if all of these fears about pils come true the baby will still be loved.

You're child doesn'thave to be the centre of its grandparents life to be loved.

Also you want your child to be what you would oddly call golden balls on your side of the family or it is unloved?

My sister told me she was accidentally pregnant with her third child, due two weeks after my second child that I had been trying for a while. I'll be honest I was a bit put out. Her other kids where older than my first born and I felt she had already monopolised my mum enough and it was my turn. And yes i felt she was stealing my thunder a bit. We have never been particularly close. But actually I think it's helped us bond and now I love that they are cousins the same age. I actually ended up putting them in the same nursery and I specifically swapped my days around so they could be in together on the same day. They ended up a month apart in age. I have passed a few bits of clothes to her in the early stages and been glad to do so and she has passed on shoes to me as her baby has overtaken mine now.
Maybe see this as an opportunity.

YABU to feel this way, I think that's a fairly normal, human reaction (if a little irrational... sorry!). I see where you are coming from though.

However. YWBVVU to let that feeling show. Keep it to yourself, have a mutual eye roll with DH in private and then try and put it behind you.

Your baby will be loved, new babies change family dynamics in wonderful ways sometimes.

Sorry my first line should have been "YANBU"!

I really understand your feelings, but your baby is so lucky to have a cousin so close in age. You have someone whose at the same stage of pregnancy to discuss all the little things with. Ignore your pils, they're the ones missing out.

It's a blessing. You will be left to enjoy your child without an interfering MIL. It's so claustrophobic when they want to be there at all the firsts, and have another go at being mum.

I actually think that if the PIL are going to be like this then they'd be like it whether the age gap is a week or 5 years. My inlaws believe that the 'mothers family are always closer to the grandchildren'. It's nonsense. And an excuse for them not making an effort.

I am sorry you are upset.
I think you are so upset because you keep trying to change the behaviour of your PILS and you can't.
Maybe you thought this baby was going to be the one thing that finally got them to be the parents you want for your OH?
Its not going to work. Nothing is.
They are the only ones who can change and they are not going to do that.

So just stop trying. Its got to an extreme point when you are distraught over your SIL having a baby because sabotages your grand plan for family happiness.

Step back. Leave them to it. Stop waiting for the fantasy to come true. It won't whatever you do.

Come on, if they are the sort of people who are incapable of loving a grandchild because another one comes along at the same time, do you really think its within your power to change them?

I understand what you mean. You have seen your DH being sidelined, you have seen the hurt his parents have inflictred and you want to protect him. You had hoped that this baby will help him gain some love from his parents.

Realistically, I think that, even without SiLs pregnancy, he would have been disappointed In his parents reaction to your new baby. These people do not change. All you can do is continue to support him and understand his feelings. I think that expressing your thought on here is a good way to vent and get out your frustration. Then deep breath and not let the hurt show to the ILs. I expect they are feeding on any displeasure or unhappiness you show. Difficult as it is, just try to pretend that they do not matter.

If your ILs aren't bothered about your husband then he needs to accept that.

Having a child wouldn't change that-it's not something for him to offer to them to impress them!

If necessary, make sure you protect you child from them-not offer them up as a sacrificial lamb!