AIBU to be really upset with SIL?

[WarwickAlice]

DH and I are expecting our first baby in September. My SIL rang DH tonight to tell him she has just found she is 5 months pregnant and didn't realise. The child is due less than a week after ours. I'm so angry and upset. SIL is her parents' favourite and she and her other child are treated like golden balls. My heart breaks for my husband. This will be his first baby and yet his mum and dad's attention will now be squarely on the other one, and our child will be constantly overshadowed for its whole life. Call me selfish, but just once - just this once - I was looking forward to the attention being on us, when it's always on golden balls. I am meant to see his family tomorrow but I'm so upset I may cancel. Is there anyone else who understands my hurt, or AIBU?

If my experience is anything to go by, I doubt the timing actually makes much difference. Your child will always be overlooked and not deemed as significant as your SILs children. We tolerated this toxicity for 14 years before an incident that was so damaging, we ceased all contact with the MIL. We've all been much happier since and my daughter no longer has to witness the obvious displays of approval and favouritism. If you're that upset, I'd suggest you stay away today and gather your thoughts. I wish you luck OP.

YANBU to be sad; YABU to be angry at you SIL

How lovely that your baby will have a cousin the same age to grow up with. Look on the bright side, OP.

You stop being sad by stop being selfish, you do that by actually thinking positively.

You are having a baby, with your DH, who you love, and (I'm assuming here) you have a home and resources and enough love to care for that baby. That (in my eyes at least) makes you incredibly blessed.

Try counting all the things you are happy about - and stop focusing on other people.

I probably sound harsh, but please do this now so you can teach your child gratitude.

How are your SIL's kids the golden balls of the grandchildren when they appear to be the only grandchildren so far?
You have no idea how your PIL's will relate to your baby
You sound prickly and quick to take offence, tbh. How could you be made a "scapegoat" for a life changing event which happened to your SIL??
I wonder how your life would look from an outside perspective? Probably very different to the way you've related it...

Personally I think you should feel lucky your dc gets to grow up with a cousin exactly the same age. If gps aren't so great, so what? You're the most important in their lives, not gps.

I was once told by a SIL that I was unreasonable for getting pregnant when I did and not 'taking turns'. I thought she was MAD. Taking turns!? Apart from anything else I was 10 tears older than her in my mid 30's and needed less of a gap if I was to have more than one child. A different SIL and I had baby boys a few days apart and they are now 12. They get on so well and have been best buddies since little boys. Look at this as a great opportunity for you and SIL to help each other and for the 2 cousins to spend lots of time together. It is quite normal for a daughter with young kids to spend more time with her mother than for a DIL who would be looking for that support from her own mother. I used to just turn up at my mums whenever I chose to, which to my SILS looked like my kids were spending more time with them and were favourites. As they grew up, one of my DBs and his wife divorced and to manage the childcare my parents spent a day a week at theirs doing drop off/pick up/meals etc, so they have all become very close as they are still doing this after 7 years. A few months ago my parents sold their house and moved in with another brother so that his 2 boys are now seeing alot of my parents. It all evens out. However, after all that rambling, in answer to the question YABVU.

Dh and I are having our first baby in sept.

Sil and bil in a few weeks.

We've been told that we're overshadowing them (by mil) because tomorrow we hopefully find out if it's a boy or a girl. They chose not to know. Apparently it's not fair that we will know before they do.

I politely told mil to stuff it and that we'll do whatever the hell we please. Sil and bil are excited to find out what ours is so no issues there. Just mil stirring.

In your case sil did nothing wrong. I'd be speaking to the il's to stop the favouritism behaviour

I do understand SIL and PIL problems, as I had this exact same problem with my now exILs. eventually solved it by moving 300 miles away. We lost a baby at 20 weeks under v traumatic circumstances, and 3 months later my SIL announces she's pregnant, after previously telling all and sundry that she didn't want children. And, of course, her baby became the GC and my youngest, born a year after hers, has been completely ignored all his life. (She also arranged her baby's christening for a week when I was 40 weeks pregnant and made rude comments about how big I was all day - starting with 'oh, we were hoping you'd be bigger, snigger' - then employed my dh's ex-fiancee, who absolutely hated me and had no childcare training, as her 'nanny'. disclaimer: she and exh split up a long time before we met.)

But in this case, I don't think your SIL did it deliberately.

Even if she had, you can't change who they are as people. They're going to keep acting the way they act - so you need to find some way of toughening up, detaching from them and not being hurt by it. Sorry. They sound horrid.

Hey OP. I do get where you're coming from. It's an irrational reaction to a situation and you can't help how you feel. But you can have control about what you do about it.

I was in similar situation. I was pregnant and miscarried. I got pregnant again. At same time as I announced my pregnancy my sil and dbro announced they were expecting - and that baby was due 1 month before mine. First grandchild for my parents and if I'd not lost my first baby then my baby would have been born first.

I felt sad about it at first but actually it was absolutely lovely being pregnant at the same time as my sil. We supported each other and laughed about the daft bits of pregnancy. When she went into labour I was the first to be told. As a family the focus was on the new 'babies' not just one, and we were all very excited.

My niece was born and I was just delighted. My DS was born a few weeks later.

Now they play together and it is wonderful. We live nearer to the GPs so actually they see more of my child than theirs. But they are loved equally.

Have a grump about it and get it out of your system, then get back on with your exciting pregnancy. Look forward to YOUR baby arriving, not worrying about someone else's. Try to link up with your sil to support each other.

Good luck

The fact you've already decided you're going to be overlooked is pretty telling. Beware your past history with your husband's family making this a self fulfilling prophecy.

Your baby is going to have a cousin close in age who could end up being one of their first friends and cohorts. This could be a lovely thing (not least because if your MIL is overbearing she can be distracted by your SIL).

I know it's hard but this isn't a bad thing, and as PP said, what exactly could your SIL do? It's not like she booked a wedding for the same time or something.

Congrats and all the best for your pregnancy.

Like I said, I'm actually really hurt about what's happened

But it's not as if your SiL did it on purpose just to upstage you! "Oh I'm going to get pregnant just because I want to tae attention away from my brother & his wife."

That's where YABU. Just rise above it.

And enjoy your lovely baby when s/he arrives. There are bigger & better things to worry about. Really.

And breathe.

Has it occurred to you she may be mega hurt that you've planned to give birth a week after her to totally steal her new golden balls baby's thunder??

"You had hoped that this baby will help him gain some love from his parents."

That's kind of fucked up if correct, isn't it?

YABU

she didn't plan this.

Your problem is with you PIL not your SIL.

Can you even hear yourself, OP?!

You both got pregnant around the same time so she hardly planned to upstage you, for anything, you've had 5 months of being in the limelight because you know you were pregnant when she didn't.

YABU. The only way you can win this is for you to have twins! Very adorable ones.

AIBU up to its useual headless judgy standard I see. Some people have no compassion at all. it is an anonymous site where people come for support not for those reading to show off how cool and together they feel.

Those judging the OP on her thoughts are coming across very badly IMHO. What the fuck is wrong with hoping your husband's parents would love his child!

I am wife of a golden child my niece is 4 months younger than my daughter....my in laws will do anything for my daughter but make excuses about seeing their other grandaughter...we live 5 mins walk away SIL lives 10/15 mins drive away. FIL thinks its down to the parents to bring her over. But saying that my BIL has never really made the effort...but there is so much more to this that i would be posting all day! If you get on with his sister who cares about the grandparents they are the ones missing out.

Wonders do you ever think maybe your BiL makes little effort to protect himself from further rejection?

It's bit of a silly reaction & sounds as if you are using your child in the same way. If she has another child, nothing was going to change anyway. Focus on what you can control.

What the fuck is wrong with hoping your husband's parents would love his child!

Of course they will though, it's ridiculous catastrophising to imagine they won't. I don't think encouraging that kind of thinking is helpful.

You also fail to note, she refers to the child already here by the distasteful phrase "goldenballs" so it's hard to be sure that it's necessarily the parents in law with the problem.

I get you OP. Ignore the PP that are pretending to be holier than thou! I have always been your DH with my parents. My daughter is second best to my brother's son. It's heartbreaking.

What I would do in your shoes and if I had my chance again, would be to see if your theory is correct. And if they DO treat your child differently to hers, then ban ALL contact with your in-laws. They'll soon realise how much your DC mean to them xx

I was the black sheep of the family ( not raised by mother but by grandmother, siblings raised by mother) my mother would always make a point of giving my siblings presents and I would get nothing. No birthday presents, no Christmas presents, nothing. I was always invited to her children's parties so could see her giving them big presents while not even telling people who I was. Being a small child having to watch others get things and love while you got nothing was tough. I always knew she loved them and not me.
I did move back in with mother for a couple of years as a teen and was still the black sheep. In the end she tried to make it ok when she was dying. I got all the dvds like that was meant to make up for years of hate and neglect and beatings.
I know everyone on this thread is saying to put up and ignore but protect your little one if it comes to it. I didn't have any way to protect myself from the hurt as no one cared enough to put a stop to it. Always have your kids back and if the favouritism gets too bad don't be afraid to walk away. You will be the black sheep anyway but your child will be better for it.
Hopefully it will never be an issue and your parents in law will love your child anyway but kids do know who loves them and they do know who the favourites are.

OP, I really and honestly mean this kindly, but I think you could do with talking to a professional about some of your feelings around it. I remember you from the TTC boards, and how intense your TTC stress was. I'm pleased to see that you actually fell quite quickly, but now there's a new significant source of anxiety. I have also suffered from chronic anxiety and know that feeling where everything feels against you, but it's clear to other people that you're almost looking for something to fix your anxiety to. I think that might be one reason why you're finding it so hard to calm down about this even though you've acknowledged that your emotions are disproportionate.