AIBU to be really upset with SIL?

[WarwickAlice]

DH and I are expecting our first baby in September. My SIL rang DH tonight to tell him she has just found she is 5 months pregnant and didn't realise. The child is due less than a week after ours. I'm so angry and upset. SIL is her parents' favourite and she and her other child are treated like golden balls. My heart breaks for my husband. This will be his first baby and yet his mum and dad's attention will now be squarely on the other one, and our child will be constantly overshadowed for its whole life. Call me selfish, but just once - just this once - I was looking forward to the attention being on us, when it's always on golden balls. I am meant to see his family tomorrow but I'm so upset I may cancel. Is there anyone else who understands my hurt, or AIBU?

OP came back and asked for help in how to get over it. It was brace given the overwhelming kicking she's got!
There are great positives to having a cousin so near in age, try and concentrate on that. And fingers crossed your in laws will love all the grandchildren the same.

Have you considered discussing this with his family tomorrow whilst everyone is present?
Any parent having favouritism between their children is horrible and i feel or your husband, and it would be awful for it to trickle down to their grandchildren too.
It may be you are worrying prematurely, and that they would have treated your children the same. I'm reading that your husband doesn't have children but you don't say if you have a child already whom they treat differently, which may simply be as it isn't their biological grandchild but still not fair if that is the case.

You need to be blunt with them, and make it clear you expect your child to be treated the same as your sister in laws children.

What's your sil like op? Does she downplay the obvious favouritism or is she one to rub it in your faces?
I can understand why you're upset but as has been said its really only going to spoil your enjoyment of a special time.
I don't think we need the 'you should be happy you're pregnant' comments, like its ops fault

Right now all you and SIL know is that the babies are due on an estimated date. This does not at all mean that those are the dates on which they will actually be born.
I hope you wont let this cause unpleasantness once the babies are actually born. There are two people born on the same day in my family and they are so close. There are another two children born very near each other in date, they are cousins, they do not see each other at all due to animosity.
It is always talked about as if people plan to have babies. In quite a few cases there is much struggle to conceive and have babies so I would just be grateful to have both babies born fit and well and the mums too.

IF (and it's a big if) your SIL's baby spends more time with its GPs than your baby, I expect it will have a lot more to do with your attitude than anybody else's. YABU OP and you really need to calm down before you damage family relations for your DH and your baby.
I found out my Brothers GF was pregnant at the same time as I was. She was not my favourite person, I wasn't sure that she and my brother would cope and stay together but I acted like a grown up about it and got to know her better. I am so happy to say I was completely wrong about her- she is a fabulous mum and my DS and his cousin have a really special relationship. My parents adore both of them because, you know, it's a family not a competition.

I forgot to say - A pp said people should treat grandchildren the same, and this is true. It is also important to ensure that the grandparents and aunts, uncles and other relatives are also treated the same

Why are you upset with SIL? It's not her fault she's treated as the golden child and she certainly couldn't have planned her pregnancy to coincide with yours. You need to get over this and fast. You feel how you feel but it would be totally horrible of you to let your unreasonable resentment show so yes, in the meantime, plead illness or something for tomorrow and the immediate future until you can face meeting your SIL with a big fake congratulatory smile pasted to your face.

Why don't you wait for them to actually do something wrong before you're angry at them?

Yes, this. I assume you have also told the PIL about your pregnancy? How have they reacted so far? If they have been happy and enthusiastic, don't automatically assume they'll love your child any less than SIL's.

If you make assumptions of that kind, you'll adopt a 'fuck them' attitude and automatically withdraw from them, which will only make the situation more likely to happen. Just try and be happy for your SIL (I also assume she has been happy for you?) and ensure your child is part of a big happy family.

I swear people on MN create angst and drama about things which could totally be avoided because they like the idea they may have been slighted and revel in the ensuing outrage.

You don't have a SIL problem. If there's a problem, then it's with your PILs. However, in this case, I think you know deep down that you're being a bit unreasonable - perhaps pregnancy hormones are clouding your judgement a little bit and heightening emotions.

If your SIL is only realising that she is pregnant 5 months in, then she will have her own worries to deal with, such as preparing for the arrival, thinking of names, getting to grips with being a parent...perhaps even worrying about the impact of unaware drinking or other habits during her pregnancy. Please don't take your feelings out on her, she will have enough to deal with and hasn't done anything wrong.

You feel sorry for your DH, but is he actually bothered by this?

Thank you for getting back to me. Most of this was not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to. There is a lot of history with my in laws and SIL, and this news has just opened up an old wound. I know my in laws' indifference is a big source of hurt for my DH, so you're right; my anger is directed at them, not really at SIL. I have only just found out, and I will accept this in time and will certainly not let this hurt out on the family- that is why I came here for advice. I am not a bad person- please don't judge me too early. I love this baby and want the very best for him/her. It took us a long time to conceive.

I've been in your situation so I can empathise.
The best thing to do, is to do nothing.
Your husband's heart isn't broken.
They didn't do it on purpose.
It isn't a competition.
You will get over this very quickly.
Then you will forget about it.
You are being so ridiculous.
Do nothing.
Say nothing.
Honestly, with kindness, that's the only thing to do.

Hi op i have just read the full thread. I do understand how you feel and people have been harsh. The truth is that regardless of whether SIL had a baby (now or in a year or ten years time) if she is the favourite and things are as you have described her child would have overshadowed yours in their eyes anyway. At least now your baby will have a cousin of the same age to grow up with. Let's hope you are wrong about your in laws and they live and treat them both the same but if they don't then your child will still be loved by you and other family and they will be the ones missing out on a relationship with him/her. Are your parents around?

My SIL & I happened to get pregnant around the same time twice & it brought us closer together. We asked each other advice when the girls were born & we did a lot of baby stuff together. The girls are now 4 & 2 & they are good friends.

Maybe try & look at the positives.

I have been there on the other side. A close family member, who had had IVF treatment, had openly spoken about what day what procedures were happening, announced after years of TTC, they were pregnant. Only, I found out I was pregnant too, announcing same due date!
This was our second child, as much as I insisted it be about this fellow expectant family member, as we already had DD1, as we had not gone through IVF and ttc... I could not control the reaction/subsequent actions of family members close to us both.
Only you know your Sil, could it be a 'sabotage' thing? Are PIL to solely blame for this behaviour of favouring Sil?
You say Sil has a child already so as this DH first child his parents may react in a way that surprises you? Are you/DH close with Pil? Maybe try making that effort if not?

There are always things going on that sometimes we miss/assume about family members behaviour. If you would have asked the lady pregnant same time as me...she probably thought I had done it on purpose too!

This is a chance for you and DH to celebrate your pregnancy and look forward to welcoming your happy and healthy baby, don't stress yourself with how someone 'may' behave. If they do...then you still have your beautiful baby, nothing detracts from that!

Ok, if I'm being so unreasonable, how do I stop being so upset? Unreasonable or not, I am feeling really sad

By learning to accept that your DH's family are who they are and not who you want them to be. Concentrate on what you do have, not on what you don't.

Look at it as a great opportunity for your child to have a cousin their own age and you to have someone to go through all the new parent stuff with. My bil and sil fell pregnant at the same time as us and it was great. Sil and I went from not really knowing each other too well, to bonding over the pregnancies and babies. Our babies are now nearly 5 years old and the best of friends, as are our youngest two. I don't get the jealousy. The situation will be what you make it. Get defensive and jealous and you'll be kept at arms length. Stop making this about you and think of how great it'll be for your baby to grow up with a cousin the same age.

You need to stop thinking about the negatives and instead the positives -

Your D.C. Will have a wonderful cousin close in age which could be a brilliant relationship for them - cultivate this

You and sil will have loads in common and be able to do family things as the kids will be same age and into same things and she Can be a source of support for you in the first year

you and your oh will give your D.C. More love than they could ever wish for - they will never feel unloved or 'second best' as you will always love them more than anything

You do need to get over this

X post

And I fwiw I can see why you are a bit sad if you took ages to conceive but she got pregnant without even knowing - maybe just acknowledge and explore these feelings a bit to help you get over the jealousy

You're pregnant and having a baby. Be happy about that no matter about anything else. Who cares if SIL is pregnant too. Having babies together in age will give a wonderful bond for the cousins.

Once the baby comes along you'll realise how insignificant any one else's options are. Enjoy your pregnancy. Bond with DH and lest the rest slide over you

WarwickAlice

YANBU to be upset that your SIL has accidentally 'stolen your thunder'.

YANBU to be angry that your in laws treat your dh badly in relation to his sibling.

YABU to blame your SIL.

Talk honestly to your husband, ask him how he feels before spilling the beans on how you feel. Ask him how he would like to handle this.

In your shoes I would go into this new relationship with PILS being GPs with an open mind. Maybe this new baby will be loved by them and they will do their best to be fab GPs.

Great.

Your child will have a cousin the same age and probably in the same school year (almost certainly). Quite nice for them (hopefully).

IF your PILS prove true to form and favour the other child you and your dh can decide on how to proceed.

In my book it would go:
Initial conversation with PILS to see if they are aware they are doing!
More conversations with PILS to stop them doing it!
Withdraw from PILS and minimal contact.

Children do not need negative forces in their lives, and neither do adults.

You do not need to go no contact (unless you dh wishes to) but you can go low contact.

You can see plenty of SIL and her kids, if her behavior towards you is fine.

Stop crying, regain composure, your baby has you and your dh, he or she will be loved and cared for. Your PILS are sad people who may well miss out.

But be prepared, they may surprise you.

Well what do you want her to do, give it up for adoption so you can have the attention? Who gives a fuck about your in laws. It's YOUR baby. Have you no one else in your life to fuss over you? In fact it doesn't matter if you haven't. You and DH are going to be PARENTS so you have to stop giving a shit about these people you seem to care so much about despite their bad behaviour, and start caring about your own family

I think you are mourning something hardly anyone has.

I didn't have a lovely dreamy pregnancy swanning about being treated as the centre of attention while people bought rocking cradles swathed in white muslin, treated me to cream teas and held parties in my honour.

This wasn't because someone else in my family was having a baby at the same time, but because life is busy and confusing, relationships are hard, and pregnancy is tough.

I actually sort of mourn an unproblematic perinatal period because my partner turned out to be abusive and I wonder whether if I had had better boundaries and done things differently I could have been happier and better looked after and it could all have been easier.

Anyway. Not possible. too late.
you'll be fine. stop worrying.

Why is noone at GOLDEN BALLS lololol

Ah bless you for having balls of steel to acknowledge that you got told what you needed rather than what you wanted to hear.
As pp have said this is your PIL at fault. SIL didn't plan it. Don't blame her and the baby. How are your family? You need to give in to the hormones in private. This may be the spur to DH addressing his issues. Having children is often the trigger for people to address issues.