to NOT get involved in my son's GCSE courses and revision

[LittlePeonie]

End of year tests (Y9). 14 year old son barely bothered, or at least very unfocused. Hasn't even got the one book he needs for 2 subjects to revise, and the tests are a week a way.

Suddenly had an unwelcome vision of the GCSE years round the corner. I just can't face chivvying my son along on his GCSE courses, or with his future revision plans etc, as I am sure it will only end in arguments. Really I want to keep out of it unless he asks for advice or such advice offered is welcome "Come to me if you need any help" kind of thing. AIBU?

I managed my own school exams without any parental input - but I was naturally motivated and fairly academic. But things seem different now. Parents seem to be expected to be more involved.

What did other parents do? What would you advise?

Oh I know light my DBs were a living nightmare, and I think my parents breathed a collective sigh of relief when they left home.

I, on the other hand, was a model teen and was extremely laid back and easy going [polishes halo]

I've been on other threads with chastened and she has a much, much more...how shall I say this...erm, hands-on helicoptering approach to parenting than lazy ole me

I don't think teachers should be obliged to give out of school sessions but I have to say that the school which gets the best results in our area does exactly that. In my son's case, his teachers chose to spend all their time on English language, even though he asked for help in literature. I couldn't help comparing with my experience, almost 30 years ago where my teacher did refresher sessions on the texts we had studied back in the first year of O levels. English was my best subject but I still needed them. TBH I think the English department parked English literature to one side because of the requirement these days to pass English language. It's a shame for the students who have potential but aren't as strong as those in sets 1
and 2 (my ds). Anyway I was simply giving this as an example where parental involvement was necessary and useful.

At our DDs school, they operate a mentor system, so if a girl is struggling with her GCSE Maths, she is paired with a girl studying A Level Maths who has volunteered to help.

I hear it works very well.

Ds went back to UK to board for sixth form, as otherwise we would have had to have moved him in Year 13. He coasted through his IGCSEs; I told him A Levels would ramp up the difficulty, but he knew best. I wasn't surprised when he crashed and burned in his January exams, but it helped him to see that he had to put the work in to get the desired results. He pulled his socks up, and passed his resits and his June modules with flying colours. It was a harsh, but necessary, and salutary lesson. He did, therefore he understood.

Agree with trifle and maisy people need to accept that it's not the teachers responsibility to revise for the students. What's annoying for teachers is when they make the effort to let parents know that their child is not working hard enough and parents essentially say, "well what can i do about it?" What do you normally do when your teenager doesn't follow the rules? It's been said earlier but it's so common to hear about students being on phones, iPads etc instead of revising and working. Why do they have these things if they are not working hard at school and doing their homework? These should be basic parental expectations. If a parent tries and fails to make their child work then that's different but many just think it's the school's responsibility.

Your attitude seems a bit odd

Is it?

Try as you might, you can't do your kids' exams for them and they have to get on with their schoolwork themselves. I do a certain amount of chasing when I know ds needs to revise (he's also in year 9) but ultimately he has to take responsibility for his schoolwork himself.

Sounds like the dilemma we had with our eldest son - flatly refused to work at school, despite all the encouragement and support (think private tutors for several weeks costing several hundreds of pounds we didn't really have) he wouldnt revise or work for his exams.

We sat down with him and explained that we were there to support and help him if he wanted but at 16 he was old enough to make the decision not to work and understand the possible consequences of this. He said he knew what he was doing so we stopped nagging.
He ended up failing a key exam which meant he couldn't do what he wanted after school and it took nearly 2 years to resolve.

Should we have done anything different? Knowing my son, the answer is no!! We simply could not do anything more for him. We spelled out the consequences, he made the decision and lived with those consequences.

Good luck!!! Its not going to be an easy time for you, especially if you know he can do so well if he just puts the effort in.

Mine is year 9 and I'm more involved than I'd like to be but I'm sure as hell not going to sit by and let him do worse in his exams than he should do. I should add that he's fairly motivated and bright but there are times when he just needs a bit of help. I don't touch Maths, science or tech because he's good at those, he's totally on track for good marks and he's motivated by them and just gets on with it. However, he finds other subjects like History and English harder, not too hard, but he's a scientist at heart and doesn't really see the point of essay subjects. I like to think that I'm working in conjunction with him to support him.

For example, he had a history essay to write and I could see that he was getting confused about how to structure it so I showed him how to plan it, break down the information and use spider charts. He wrote the essay and showed it to me. I quickly revised the second world war in 30 seconds and read his essay. I could see that he wasn't putting enough detail into the essay and wasn't being specific enough so I just showed him the areas where he needed to put more detail in. I know that the teacher would have done this when he was marking the work but actually my one hour guiding him on his essay and giving him pointers has been far more valuable than him getting a lower mark. I didn't do the work at all, I just helped him to understand what he needed to do to make it even better.

His year 9 exams start in a few weeks and I'll help him to break down his revision and chivvy him to do it. I see that as my job, but as I say, he's pretty co-operative. My middle one though, is far more self motivated and I expect she'll just get on with it.

I think I have learnt from this thread, though as people know you always put your head about the parapet (sp?!) when you do an Original Post.

Before my son goes into GCSEs next year Y10 we will have a chat, something I was planning to do anyway. Not overly serious but just laying things out in a positive and realistic way. I am glad someone posted about it being not easy to do re-takes these days. That was important information.

I actually know quite alot about how best to study and revise (I have done specialist courses myself for myself in the past! it is a skill that most students don't learn!) and will try to share this with my son. But of course he has also to want to hear and be interested. Horse and water and all that.

Clearly all children are different. Some just lock themselves in their room and get on with it (like I did, once upon a time). Others do need more support - which perhaps my son does - but I really agree with whoever said you don't want to be overly intervening and produce these emotional wrecks with all the chivvying and checking.

Anyway, thanks for the voices of experience, and I hope its been helpful for others.

Blobby10 your experience is so similar to ours. In hindsight we should have stuck the money we spent on tutors in a savings account for him!

I feel I have to add a bit about my own experience, for some balance (although OP may have already left!).

I went to school in a system that doesn't have one or two all-important set(s) of exams - whether or not you get in to university is based on an average of the marks you earned in high school, which are themselves a (weighted) average of the coursework and exams you do throughout a course. It's more of a long slog than a short but intense period of exam stress.

However, I don't think I started a single piece of homework before the day before the deadline until I was into my 20s. I didn't study for tests or exams for more than an hour or so until university. At the risk of sounding vain, I have a fair amount of natural academic ability and the absolutely minimal amount of work I put in was enough for me to (usually) get very good grades. I know this approach wasn't popular with my teachers, who often told my parents I would "hit the wall" once I got to university. My parents were usually pretty hands-off in my education and my general upbringing (the prevailing attitude was "it's your life, and you're the one that has to deal with the consequences"), but they were supportive when I needed or asked for it. But I absolutely hated it when they tried to help with my homework. It would inevitably descend into shouting matches, hours-long lectures, tears, etc. It was so stressful, much more stressful than doing it the way I normally would (rushed and at the last minute). Eventually they got the message that I would be fine on my own, and relations improved significantly.

I probably could have done better if I had let them do more for me academically, but our relationship was just not in the right place for that to happen. Additionally, at least my way I felt that my achievements were my own - if I had only done well because mummy and daddy helped me, then how could I really say I had achieved those things.

Anyways, in my late 20s I now have three degrees including a PhD, so things worked out in the end. I even (sometimes) start things before the absolute last minute - something I was able to learn myself, through experience.

I also want to say that I think it's possible to overstate the importance of GCSEs and, especially, A levels. If a kid doesn't do well in exams, then things are likely to suck for them for a while (dead-end job, low income, low self esteem, etc.). But there are always ways back into education if they want to get there. The OU is a fantastic resource, and many universities will disregard A level results after a period of time, in favour of looking at what an applicant has done since high school or college (work, self-study, etc.). Getting bad results, or even getting no results, is not the end of the world if a person can still develop the motivation and desire to get back in to education. Indeed, lots of people are better suited to and get more out of university study in their 20s or later than they would have at 18.

ShampooForMyRealFriends

As a secondary school teacher, I will consider my DD (and myself) exceptionally lucky if she can get by without trying. But it is my responsibility, if she can't, to make sure she does try. Intelligence and recall are gifts that not every person has. Hard work is a route open to everyone. Why wait?

Trifle

'Why wait?'

Well, for a variety of reasons, as I tried to get across. One reason is that your attempts might actually backfire, and make your child less likely to succeed because you're stressing them out and inducing fights. Another is that while you might get them to pass the exam, they won't necessarily have the self-motivation needed to succeed later on. Another is that it's their life - you can't do the work for them, and even if you could then you would be taking away from their achievements, even if those achievements are less than what you as the parent could achieve for them. Finally, the stakes are not as high as they feel when you're at the coalface of trying to get through exams.

I can't speak for your particular situation, but in my case the risks of my parents inserting themselves into my education certainly outweighed the benefits, and that might be the case for other posters too.

Most of us know our children well enough to know the approach that will work most of the time. However teenagers are quite contrary creatures and in my experience they change with the wind and so you can't assume that eBay works one week will work the next.

My teenager is somebody who needs reassurance and she can be quite needy. There are reasons for that. She likes to feel that I am interested and despite her tough veneer she is a big softy. She likes me to sit with her and go over her work with her. It isn't like that all of the time and most of the time I manage to sense that and back off.

I also think that that we can't help but be influenced by the way we were parented. My parents were a little bit like some of the posters on here who thought that education was down to teachers and they would never think of helping me - I would have loved that and so that is what I do with my daughter - and luckily it works.

In addition my daughter recognises that as a teacher I am interested in education and so she shares her work with me - knowing it makes me happy.

We now have a little boy who at 15 months is already a very different character and so we may need to take a different approach.

ShampooForMyRealFriends

I think the first reason has merit, but only in extreme circumstances. The rest sounds a bit guffy to me, sorry. Until my DD is grown up I will do my best to make sure she doesn't sabotage things for herself. I have seen too many lazy teenagers become trapped adults. Not for her if I can help it.

Trifle

That's what I tell my students. I'm tough on you because I care. I make you work hard now so in 1,2,3 years time when you are approaching your exams you don't need to stress or panic because it will all be under control.
I tell y7-9 they are laying the foundations of their success. You wouldn't build a house on sand and expect it to be strong. You build on firm foundations. It's not about being pushy or adding pressure. It's about getting students to buy into the idea that it will be worth it in the end.
They only need to see a few kids getting the benefits before the ripple effect happens to most students.

Trifle

Fair enough. As I said, I'm just putting my story out there for a bit of balance. Your approach wouldn't have worked for me, for all the reasons I listed - I'm just too stubborn and proud to have been helped like that, and I would much rather have figured it out on my own than be handheld through it. But you know your daughter - you do you!

ShampooForMyRealFriends

For whatever reason, I am about to teach a lesson where we (all of us) will need to reflect on our flaws. Being stubborn and proud - those are mine. But they are flaws, not strengths, aren't they? Young people need to know that their parents want what is best for them in the long-run. Sometimes that means challenging their faults, not indulging them.

Trifle

Maybe. But these 'flaws' have allowed me to develop self-motivation, resiliency, self-esteem and a few external markers of success as well. Moreover, I am happier with where I am in my life than I would have been if I had let my parents take over. Surely that's something that most parents want to support, as well as academic achievement.

I'm not trying to say that you're wrong in your approach. I guess I'm just making the fairly trite point that, as with most things in life, there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all approach to helping your kids through school. Some kids need support, others don't, and for others too much support can be counterproductive. I just happen to fall into the final camp. In all likelihood your daughter doesn't, and only OP can speak for their son.

I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all either. There is a small minority of people who are able to succeed without work. Well done. Most people need to work. I see no virtue in either predilection. But if you as a parent can see that your DC needs to work and you make no effort to make this happen, seeing it - effectively - as their their issue, then I think you are seriously remiss as a parent.

"Hard work is a route open to everyone. Why wait?"

I don't agree with that. Or at least, I reckon hard work is as available to everyone as much as being clever, playing tennis well or talented at singing is available. There IS such a thing as natural ability (when it comes being able to work hard, or sing, or speak French or play tennis, etc).

We don't condemn our children or ourselves as bad parents if our kids are lousy at sport-French-singing or being clever. Same with the propensity to be self-disciplined. Yes they can learn to be BETTER, but the marginal gains may be very very tiny over time.

Shampooformyrealfriends thanks for your story, its nice for some balance here on this subject .