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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to NOT get involved in my son's GCSE courses and revision

172 replies

LittlePeonie · 13/05/2017 22:15

End of year tests (Y9). 14 year old son barely bothered, or at least very unfocused. Hasn't even got the one book he needs for 2 subjects to revise, and the tests are a week a way.

Suddenly had an unwelcome vision of the GCSE years round the corner. I just can't face chivvying my son along on his GCSE courses, or with his future revision plans etc, as I am sure it will only end in arguments. Really I want to keep out of it unless he asks for advice or such advice offered is welcome "Come to me if you need any help" kind of thing. AIBU?

I managed my own school exams without any parental input - but I was naturally motivated and fairly academic. But things seem different now. Parents seem to be expected to be more involved.

What did other parents do? What would you advise?

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 21:07

sailaway i totally disagree about GCSE being a good time to learn the lesson. The pass rates for resit GCSE are depressingly low. Your first chance is by far your bet chance. In my experience (teacher) the ones who succeed are the ones who worked damn hard to succeed the first time round but just didn't quite manage it. The lazy ones stay the same or more commonly drop a grade in year 12 resit.

MaQueen · 14/05/2017 21:11

I don't think I'm all that laid back, but at Parent's Evening we are told about their tracking and whether they're on target to hit their end of year levels.

Then their end of year levels appear in their school report, which I read.

But, I don't ever check their homework or coursework. And, I never sit beside them 'going through' stuff with them.

Etymology23 · 14/05/2017 21:12

elephant are you saying that anyone doing/who has done their degree who didn't get a first just didn't put enough effort and time into it?

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 21:14

I just don't feel any need to get involved in their education. Surely that's what their teachers and school are for?

This suggests quite a laid back approach

MaQueen · 14/05/2017 21:26

Nah, they're just at a really excellent school, thankfully

Iamastonished · 14/05/2017 21:27

"But, I don't ever check their homework or coursework. And, I never sit beside them 'going through' stuff with them."

It sounds like you don't need to. When DD asks for my help I will give it, but I don't do her work for her. I can't. I wouldn't know where to start with A level chemistry and biology for a start.

I help her by printing off past exam papers and making sure she has everything she needs.

MaQueen · 14/05/2017 21:36

Iam I have always been very wary of 'lending a hand' because how far do you take it? When do you know when to stop? After all, you can't sit the test/exam for them. And, surely any teacher worth their salt would recognise the input from a graduate parent into their 13 year old's coursework?

I suppose we do support our DDs in that they have ample study space in their bedrooms, and we have always bought them any books they fancied/needed etc.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 21:37

Theres a difference between regularly sitting over them to make sure they do their homework and sanctioning them at home when the school contact you. Schools aren't likely to contact you about homework for a one off its more likely to be an issue that's been ongoing. Home and school supporting one another is the best way to get students to succeed. If parents leave it all up to the school they are sending the message that they don't care enough or they don't think school is important enough.

MissEliza · 14/05/2017 21:40

Ds is not in year 12 and the last two years were horrific. He wasn't working hard in class and we were getting complaints from school. It really did affect our relationship. He still did badly because we couldn't make him take it all in. My dh is from a culture where you're expected to literally sit and study with your kids. When ds started a Btech course at college, I told dh I couldn't do it anymore as I'd rather have a good relationship with my ds. He's doing ok, just ok, by himself.
The only caveat I have is that you can't depend on the school doing everything they should. You need to check he's getting enough guidance on revision and sometimes, will they actually finish the course in time. The parents of a boy in my ds's rugby team told me his maths teacher didn't complete the curriculum and they needed a tutor. Ds's English teacher did no revision for English literature. Luckily I'm quite good and prepared revision notes for him. He wouldn't have passed otherwise, particularly as there were a few topics he didn't understand.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 21:43

You can't sit a test for them but you can help them prepare.

This weekend DD has done some maths homework, she struggled with one of them questions and so DH sat with her and worked it through . They did a few more of the same type until she could do it independently:

She also had an RE question to do on whether reincarnation was a reasonable belief and so we discussed it as a family and dd made a mindmap of our ideas that she turned into an answer.

I don't think that is doing the work for her or sitting her test but working with her to push herself.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 21:44

@MissEliza you shouldn't have to complete a curriculum for them because a teacher has got it wrong. That is rubbish .

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 21:45

@MissEliza rubbish of the school not you. I hope you complained.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 21:45

Also showing an interest in what they are doing is a way of showing them that you care and it's important.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 21:49

@Fruitcorner123 I agree. Sometimes it is hard to get that balance right between showing an interest and nagging - I know sometimes I have got it wrong and I do it for a living.

I quite like sitting at the table and talking through DDs books with her and she often brings them down before I ask for them and she is not shy about saying if she doesn't want to do something.

MissEliza · 14/05/2017 21:56

Not finishing the curriculum happened at another school to someone else's child. However I was astonished that after covering the English lit texts in year 10, the teachers expected the boys (single sex school) to revise it all alone. It was very different to my experience at school. They held one after school session where they showed the cartoon film of Animal Farm . Ds was getting very stressed by this point as he didn't feel confident in it and was actually open to help! I should have complained but ds was a bit of a little shit in those days so I didn't look like I was blaming the school for his faults. Looking back that was stupid.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 21:59

@MissEliza sometimes you deliberately don't cover the whole curriculum so you can go into more depth . In my subject we don't teach all of the curriculum for the old spec GCSE as we don't need to - it means they don't have as wide a choice in the exam but they can still get a top grade. However this isn't possible in all subjects and rarely the case for the new GCSEs

However we give our students a very clear summary of what they should be revising

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 22:06

misseliza teachers don't get paid for after school sessions. Of course they should finish the curriculum and have a bit of time to revise in class but some schools just don't offer the curriculum time to have much time to revise. At GCSE students should be revising it themselves that's the expectation. The vast vast majority of teachers will offer their own time to any student who asks for help and many offer after school or lunchtime sessions off their own back. It shouldn't be an expectation, though. Was your DS refused help or did he just not ask? You say he was a difficult student, did he miss the learning in lessons because he was messing around?

Iamastonished · 14/05/2017 22:08

DD's school does loads of after school revision sessions. The support they offer is brilliant and the teachers work their socks off. It pays dividends though.

shitgibbon · 14/05/2017 22:17

Hasn't even got the one book he needs for 2 subjects to revise

Why? Don't you buy his school books for him?

notsure75 · 14/05/2017 22:22

I see a clear difference between boys and girls here. DS is a source of sporadic despair due to his generally lackadaisical attitude.

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 22:29

All the schools I have worked at offer after school revision but it can't be compulsory for staff. Some schools choose not to offer it for a variety of reasons. I suspect we will find more and more schools not offering it as conditions in schools get worse for staff and the good will of teachers starts to dry up but I am probably being unfairly negative.

Revision must be the child's responsibility. We can't put it in their heads for them and neither can parents. Teachers offer a great deal of support to enable the revision to take place and so should parents but it would not be the op's fault if she has offered the support and her child still fails. She would be partly to blame, though, if she gave up completely now.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 22:31

@notsure75 from a teacher's perspective there is often but not always a divide between girls and boys on this. My daughter is by no means an angel but has always been quite easy to motivate with her school work . I know very motivated boys not know lots of less motivated ones.

I have always wondered if it is a natural difference or one we create with parenting. For example do we encourage girls to sit down and colour and draw more than boys which perhaps is a precursor to doing school work.

I have a 15 month boy and am struck by how much more laid back and even lazy he is when compared to my daughter at her age.

Blimey01 · 14/05/2017 22:36

Parker231

GCSE's and A levels are major stress at home - I don't think there is any way of avoiding it. I have DT's who are at Uni now so we survived the exams years. Both had revision timetables and we helped with testing them on what they were revising and past papers - I'm sure I could have taken A level physics by the end of it!
We had many arguments, lost tempers and tears but when it was over and they got the grades they wanted, we had lots of celebrations . All part of being a parent to a teenager.

Great advice Parker

Original poster

LittlePeonie · 14/05/2017 22:38

shitgibbon - apt name for you I must say. Its a book the school was meant to provide. Though only heard about it last week. Son didn't know about it either. But don't let facts get in the way of another cheap shot. Jeez, where do these Bs come from? Hey shit* anything constructive to add to the discussion? Nah, didn't think so.

But I am actually finding the rest of the conversation quite interesting and helpful .

OP posts:

goodbyestranger · 14/05/2017 22:52

You may think Parker's advice is great - good luck to you Blimey01. Of course arguments, lost tempers and tears caused by public exams are not a necessary or normal part of parenting teens. I'm very glad I've avoided that in any event.

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