to NOT get involved in my son's GCSE courses and revision

[LittlePeonie]

End of year tests (Y9). 14 year old son barely bothered, or at least very unfocused. Hasn't even got the one book he needs for 2 subjects to revise, and the tests are a week a way.

Suddenly had an unwelcome vision of the GCSE years round the corner. I just can't face chivvying my son along on his GCSE courses, or with his future revision plans etc, as I am sure it will only end in arguments. Really I want to keep out of it unless he asks for advice or such advice offered is welcome "Come to me if you need any help" kind of thing. AIBU?

I managed my own school exams without any parental input - but I was naturally motivated and fairly academic. But things seem different now. Parents seem to be expected to be more involved.

What did other parents do? What would you advise?

My son is Y9. I have no intention of micromanaging his GCSE study. I won't be sitting down with him to revise or timing his sessions. I won't be inspecting HW.
BUT if he wants ferrying about to his hobbies and us to pay for them and WIFI and mobile phone and x box use etc then he better work in class and get HW done. I don't expect him to work every waking hour but expect him to try his best.
I think avoiding all stress at home over working at school and HW is short sighted. Unless you don't mind your child under achieving and needing leaving with few qualifications and having them living off you.
It should be primarily their responsibility to get the work done BUT you are still the parent.

“Sadly, how he does in exams at 16 and 18 will likely have an utterly critical impact on his adult career.
It's too important to take a stand about and think "well, you're on your own if you can't put in any effort". The consequences of him messing up are huge.
With that in mind, I would grit my teeth and carry on. Encouraging, helping, discipline, forcing, celebrating. Etc. It'll be exhausting and often no gain whatsoever.”

This ^^ with bells on. So many parents don’t seem to get that you can’t just do resits/get into the 6th form you want if you screw up your GCSEs. I did O levels and it was easy to do re-sits. I only got 5 O levels the first time, but did one resit and three more and ended up with a very respectable 9 O levels and 2 A levels. This kind of opportunity just isn’t available these days.

“Teenagers are not grown-ups; they are working towards it and need some help and scaffolding to get there.”

I agree with this. DD suffers from anxiety and needed a lot of scaffolding last year when she was sitting her GCSEs. Fortunately she did extremely well, but she did need hand holding to get there. This year she is doing AS exams and is working more on her own. However she still needs encouragement and hand holding every now and again.

I am envious of those parents whose children are self-motivated and just get on with it. It is very clear from posters with several children that it isn’t necessarily bad parenting, but the fact that all children are different. DD is definitely one who needs a lot of encouragement; even though I keep pointing out to her that I won’t be holding her hand at university when the time comes.

My ds is quite motivated. I don't revise with him but he can come to me at any point. If he has asked for anything I have bought it - revision guides, flash cards etc. I have gone to every parent evening and we have discussed what needs improving and how he can work on that. I offer drinks and snacks when needed.

Ultimately it is him doing the exams so it's down to him to put the work in. But as a parent it's my job to encourage and help along the way. We haven't argued about it but even if we had I would still be encouraging him.

I am genuinely looking for different approaches to help me know what to do. I don't want arguments and shouting, which is what we had last night. It just is counter-active. This is what any input from me results in at the moment, however calm.

I really don't need people like MiniMum calling me a failure as a parent, thats a disgusting thing to say. FFS. I wouldn't be posting if I didn't care! He doesn't spend all his time doing computer games or whatever, either. So I'm not an irresponsible twat, thanks all the same.

However, I found the more intelligent posts interesting/hopefully maybe helpful.

My DS has his first GCSE on Tuesday. I have encouraged him to revise, bought him study guides and helped him create a revision timetable. I have offered to test him if he wants me to. He has declined this and I'm not seeing much evidence of him actually revising. He is bright and is expected to do well. I'm not too concerned. I can't force him to revise. His older brother sat his GCSE's two years ago. He hadn't been working at school since about year 8 his course work was poor and he began to panic. At the time I was between jobs. I had the time so I physically revised with him every day. I ended up practically teaching the syllabus of a subject he seemed to have no knowledge of at all. He ended up passing almost all of them which made all my efforts worthwhile. He is at college now and still puts no effort in so he still isn't taking any responsibility. Maybe if he'd failed his GCSE 's he would be?

Passing and doing well in GCSE exams has nothing to do with ability and a lot to do with motivation and enthusiasm for the subjects.

Could you have a look at the kind of your DS needs to know and give him little quizzes at dinner or family time? That's if you guys talk.

I actually think GCSEs has a lot to do with ability. The final outcome does however depend on motivation. It is the difference between a 7/8 or 4/5.

OK, LittlePeonie, here's my thoughts (I should say, mine's 15, so proper GCSE revision will start next next, but she's upstairs now revising for her Citizenship which they take in Yr 10 in her school).

I would say you really can't wash your hands of it. IMHO, as a parent it's your responsibility to guide and support your DC, just like when they were babies. Just because what you're giving now is emotional support rather than your boob or wiping their bums, it doesn't make it less important. What you give them now is what they'll take forward.

Agree about not wanting stress in your home. Try to find ways to avoid this. I do a combination of things PPs have mentioned... We take her school work seriously (i.e. we provide space, make sure the house is quiet when she's working, ask her about how it's going, how she's finding it. Try and have conversations about the subject [hard when it's something we don't know much about, though!]. We try and model that it's improtant and we take it [the work] and her seriously). We note the efforts she makes and congratulate her on it. Little rewards "you've worked really hard, come and have a break now. What do you want to watch on TV" or "would you like a hot chocolate?" etc. We have light-hearted conversations about how amazing being a student might be, if she goes to uni. And we talk about how it's about her having life-choices - the better she does at each stage, the more the world should (finger's crossed) open up for her.

So, last week she said "I don't want to study for my citizenship". I said "darling, you ABSOLUTELY don't have to, and I'll tell that nasty school they aren't to force you.

And then you can go and get a lovely job stacking shelves for minimum wage"

We use praise where we can. Congratulate her for everything. and make some very vague noises about what an amazing summer she's going to have once her GCSEs are done.

I'll come back next year and let you know if it worked or not....

I hope this is helpful to you.

Gotta admit I'm probably going to be like this with my teens. My son acts pretty normal most of the time, but if I tell him to do his homework, he starts screaming and crying and yelling. So I basically stopped talking about homework at all. For all I know he doesn't have any. No clue. And guess what - without the attention, he just does it anyway, for his teacher, but not for me.

When exam season comes around I'm going to be just as hands-off, because fuck it, what's going to be gained from more screaming and wailing and sulking?

I just hope they have enough self-motivation to get through it, and if they don't... meh. I got my own life to live.

I actually think GCSEs has a lot to do with ability

You think? Yout thoughts are not scientific evidence

Well yes there is science behind it in fact.

I thought this was a discussion elephant. What are you the science police

"I just hope they have enough self-motivation to get through it, and if they don't... meh. I got my own life to live."

With respect chastened do you not think that the op has tried this approach? I certainly have and it worked a treat for dc1. Dc2 not a chance!

I actually think GCSEs has a lot to do with ability

GCSE results are affected by

• effort from the pupil
• general ability of the pupil
• support from home
• good teaching

I reckon you need 3 of the above 4 to do well?

My son was a pain in yr 9 and first half of yr 10, not doing homework etc. We had a no Xbox until homework done rule, which at least meant some of it was done poorly. It was a difficult one, I tried to be firm, but not nag overly and not stress. Very hard not to stress as I was a worker but I believe it has to come from them and bashing head on brick wall helps no one.
Then about March it seems to have clicked into his brain that GCSEs require effort (he's bright and has always cruised along until now) and he started making an effort and asking for us to help/buy revision guides (I had offered before but he'd insisted he didn't need them). He spent much of this morning working with me, then his Dad, on homework/practice questions for revision at his request.

We are not over the hill yet but fingers crossed.

Leave him to it this time OP. Let him sort himself out as you first felt you should in your original post. Let him fail and learn. Just keep talking to him and make sure he's okay

Present your evidence if your going to make such claims. Sounds like they were just based on guesses. Like there is an innate ability to do well in GCSEs. If it's true then show us. Otherwise don't make such claims as if to put down the OPs son.

Anyone can get a first with effort, motivation and persistence in a degree so why can't anyone get A*'s in their GCSEs with the same efforts?

Anyone can get a first with effort, motivation and persistence in a degree so why can't anyone get A*'s in their GCSEs with the same efforts?

Please present your evidence if you are going to make such claims. Sounds like they were just based on guesses. if it's true then show us. Otherwise don't make such claims as if to put my DD and thousands like her down.

Both DH and I have a very hands-off approach when it comes to our DDs homework/revision. They're at a strict grammar so not doing homework thoroughly really isn't an option - which is a relief.

DD1 starts Yr 10 in September, and I certainly don't intend involving myself with her coursework or revision, ta very much. She's pretty conscientious anyway, and fairly motivated. Very occasionally I have chatted with her about her English coursework or texts - but only because I am a literature graduate, and am interested. But, otherwise...nah, no thanks.

I do know of people who spend an awful lot of time supporting and working with their DCs, ploughing through homework with them etc. And these DCs are at grammars, so are quite capable themselves. But I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.

I have spent years studying and revising for exams. I have served my time and earned my stripes. I don't intend going through it all again.

Teen

I'll get back to you on that. I'll need to speak to a few psychology lecturers. But it is true. With the right effort, anyone can get a first class degree.

elephant Even in a subject like maths? Which many people can't even get a GCSE in? So if they all tried harder they could get a first for a maths degree? And the reason they fail maths is they don't try hard enough?

elephant what arrant nonsense.

I could work myself like a dog studying maths. I would never, ever get a First. Ever.

DD2 could spend her entire school year in a cupboard, and still sit her end of year maths exams and come top in her form.

Parenting is just as much about guiding them through the teenage years as teaching them to walk and dealing with toddler tantrums. It's not always easy but you can't opt out yet, they still need your input.
It's very easy for some to say they leave it up to DC when they have compliant, studious kids. "Let them fail" is brutal. So yabu to "not get involved" and abdicate parental responsibility when it's hard.