to NOT get involved in my son's GCSE courses and revision

[LittlePeonie]

End of year tests (Y9). 14 year old son barely bothered, or at least very unfocused. Hasn't even got the one book he needs for 2 subjects to revise, and the tests are a week a way.

Suddenly had an unwelcome vision of the GCSE years round the corner. I just can't face chivvying my son along on his GCSE courses, or with his future revision plans etc, as I am sure it will only end in arguments. Really I want to keep out of it unless he asks for advice or such advice offered is welcome "Come to me if you need any help" kind of thing. AIBU?

I managed my own school exams without any parental input - but I was naturally motivated and fairly academic. But things seem different now. Parents seem to be expected to be more involved.

What did other parents do? What would you advise?

I think the best thing you can do is print off past papers so they see what they are like and then you can assess their potential and if there are any major weaknesses, help them. This is what I will probably not be doing.

I agree OP, at that age they need to know the consequences of their actions. I support my dc in their studies, but I won't make them work and I certainly wouldn't bribe them, that's a stupid and pointless thing to do.
I have pointed out, particularly to my wayward 17 year old that he will end up in a lowly paid job if he doesn't pull his socks up.
My 15 year old dd seems to be getting her act together finally. My 18 year old at uni did fine.
The younger three, we'll have to see, but I will take the same attitude: I will offer support, help out if asked, attend meetings, parents' evenings, chat with them, help them solve problems give them a place to work, give advice, buy resources but the work and motivation must come from them, not me.

You have to be self-motivated in the end because if you are pushed, pulled and cajoled, as soon as that goes, you have no idea how to do it for yourself.
They need to understand it is about their lives, their futures and do it because they understand that not because someone is having a go at them, removing devices or offering to give them money or other payment in kind

Arguments, lost tempers and tears about revision etc at GCSE and A Level time are absolutely not an inevitable part of being a parent of a teenager Parker.

I'm constantly amazed at how many MNers appear to know the detail of individual exam specs, exactly what homework their DC are supposed to be doing each night etc etc. To me that goes beyond taking an interest in a DCs education and into the realms of managing it.

I don't see that you're being U at all OP.

wineandcoffee Making an exam timetable appears to be something they are able to do with no prompting at all. It is usually beautifully made and colour co-ordinated and takes HOURS to make. It is the law that no revision can be undertaken before this masterpiece has been created. Within the first day it is void as they ‘had’ to go meet a friend or watch the latest episode of MIC so the maths didn’t get done! Once one thing is out of kilter the whole thing needs to be re-drafted.

Well you either do, or you sit back and watch him fail all on his own,

Have you laid out consequences of him failing exams?

Seconded bigbuttons.

My mum showed zero interest in my GCSEs. I was naturally motivated and did well. Some of my siblings didn't. They could have done with some tough love, rather than a 'It's his/her education' attitude. Young people aren't always farsighted enough to understand how slacking off will affect them long-term.

I should say for balance, neither did my dad, but I lived with my mum.

assuming your son doesn't have any impairment which may prevent access - boys tend to do enough to get them where they need to be to go to the next stage.
This. I have y11 lads who are very relaxed / "it'll turn out OK miss'. They've said it since I started teaching them. When it hit February of this year and their exams were approaching they've acted on every single piece of advice I've given. Turns out they kept all the revision material etc I've given for the last 18 months and they're doing what they need to.
Had some tricky conversations with home last year when they weren't pulling their weight and home were very supportive and, like me, facilitated the set up. Ultimately it's on the students though.

I think you're fine to step back & keep an eye from a distance once you've set up everything they need, but please be like the parents I've just mentioned and eh supportive of school when they inevitably raise issues. There's nothing worse than home saying "but we can't really do anything" and then get annoyed that the kid isn't doing well.

My input with dd1 is along the lines of asking what she needs to help revise. She's well motivated though.
So I have bought her stationary and snacks.

Not getting involved day to day makes sense and is reasonable. Not getting involved at all YABU. The reason school rang you about his homework is because they wanted your support. Were there any sanctions at home? Could you confiscate his phone/Xbox etc? I also think a serious chat about the consequences of not working is important. I am not saying it will make any difference but he is still your child and it is your duty as well as the school's to make sure there are consequences. GCSE results are too far of he needs interim consequences.

You can't make a teenager revise.

BUT sometimes "I'll do it my way" is a way to cover up being totally overwhelmed.
If I was told by school one of my DC wasn't doing homework - I would ask them why and see if they wanted help, understood what they were supposed to do, were struggling with organisation etc. I would also clamp down on "going out" if homework wasn't getting done.
It is also a good time for you (and others in your circle) to pass on stories about revising, studying and exams. There are lots of different ways to do this, but if the message gets through that:
everyone revises some just cover it up
there are lots of different ways to study - find your own.

But I would keep an eye - because otherwise a young person can be so lazy that it gets close to exams and they are so far behind and overwhelmed that they can no longer cope. There is also a lot of mental health issues linked to stress at this age.

I have 3 DC, and with the third it would seem that I do very little, but that is because they are the most self motivated. All three have needed me to monitor what they are doing and provide support/tutors or de-stressing when necessary.

I think we have a fantastic approach in the U.K. Which is more hands off.

I think this has changed - DH and I had this approach and did well.

However our children have come up through primary school with a lot of busy homework - where parental input was required. My children expect support and even the secondary school seem to have projects which need parental support.

DH thinks his university students need/expect a lot of hand holding much more so than we had.

So I think YANBU - as you can't do the work for them but I would still be trying to motivate and support though hopefully through organisational support but I'm few years off and still trying to get more and more hands off.

He doesn't want any help OP, but he does need it

I wouldn't get involved as in trying to sit down and teach / learn stuff with him but I would be giving him a massive kick up the arse and making sure he prioritises revising over other things like going out with mates, and internet time

At age 14 you have a massive input into his life still, stop pretending that you don't

As others have said, I know you cant make teenagers revise, but you can steer them towards it.

Computer games after revision.

I didn't really get involved with dds revision. She was fairly self motivated and although grumbled about it, did what was required to get decent results.
I am at my wits end with ds. Exactly like you op. Argument after argument otherwise nothing gets done whatsoever and rubbish test results. Doesn't appreciate or work hard with the two tutors we've got. We've now done what you are suggesting op. We've backed off. It's now up to him as its his life. The only thing that has had limited success so far is bribery which whilst not ideal, is worth it if it means better grades so we've kept that offer on the table along with an open offer to help if he wants it.

I actually get where you are coming from op. My dd is currently studying for end of year 8 exams. I am very much aware that these are not as important as GCSEs but I firmly believe that getting into good study practice early will help later on when it counts. i do all the things that other posters have mentioned quiet space, support etc etc but at the end of the day she has to do it herself. Her lack of motivation I find distressing. The more I try and encourage the more she digs her heels in so now I try and ignore what it is she is or more to the point isn't doing. I hope by the time she is in year 11 she will actually realise at the end of the day it really is up to her.

OP I'm glad I've stumbled across your post as I'm struggling with knowing the right answers and approach to these issues myself.

We're not as far down the line as you and your DS, though. My DS is in Y7. In spite of being clever, he's fallen behind and has lost all motivation to do homework and revision.

I'm at a loss as to how to help & motivate him. I feel like I am constantly nagging him which results in him getting very arsey and shouty.

I am in contact with the school and we are working together, but I am worried about him to say the least, and am constantly questioning my approach to the on-going situation.

Sadly, how he does in exams at 16 and 18 will likely have an utterly critical impact on his adult career.

It's too important to take a stand about and think "well, you're on your own if you can't put in any effort". The consequences of him messing up are huge.

With that in mind, I would grit my teeth and carry on. Encouraging, helping, discipline, forcing, celebrating. Etc. It'll be exhausting and often no gain whatsoever.

You do need to take some interest. There is a middle ground, as listed by many other previous posters between total disinterest and sitting next to your kid as they study. I say this as a parent of 4, last one in GCSE years and a secondary teacher.
Teenagers are not grown ups, they are working towards it and need some help and scaffolding to get there.
Not doing some parenting because you don't want the stress is not a good reason, i sigh inwardly when i hear my year 11s talk and some say they are off to a concert 30 miles away the night before a GCSE, and they justify it with my parents don't care miss.
It also is about a common front, if you give the indication to your y9 kid it is up to him if he does his homework, then that is effectively saying to him, i am not interested in your education, or what school say, and that you do not aupport the school.
You do not have to go to the other extreme, but it is fine to actually be a parent, support him, talk to him, make sure he has all the kit he needs, somewhere quiet to work, remind him to study and that you will tell him off if school bother to rung home about him ( has to be fairly bad for that to happen).

I would recommend talking about consequences, being supportive when needed - listening ear, providing food and quiet space etc, but backing off as much as possible. If he messes up this year, make sure he REALLY learns from the experience....this could actually be a positive thing! Don't leave the backing off until you are at breaking point and GCSEs are a heartbeat away.
Had to laugh at the 'revision timetable' comment upthread. Great way to waste time if looking for any excuse to delay.....
(My DCs are finished or finishing uni, so been there, done that)

Supporting them means taking an interest. Let them you know that you think academics are worthwhile, and that they CAN achieve.

Few MNers still say they approve of letting go, it's not like real life set of parents.

I mostly let go. I do encourage, facilitate, enquire, remind. But it's their set of mistakes to make. So far I have had
...a school refuser who also refused to do almost all homework,
...a 95% self-efficient compulsive over-achiever in danger of harming mental health by taking it all too seriously,
...one who does the work but only if dealing with no emotions and needs handholding (he asks for handholding), gets stupidly anxious.
...and one who grumbles & procrastinates and then wildly over-compensates.

My laid back approach is the only way I can stay sane with this lot.

Goodbyestranger Knowing the individual exam specs and checking homework was part of being a form tutor and examiner I'm afraid. I instigated homework rules in Year 6 after ds left prep when we moved abroad, and those stayed in place til IGCSEs. It worked.

I explained that education was like building a wall....you can't have shaky foundations or it will fall down. The GCSES are the foundation for the A levels, the degree, and the further degrees, which will then hopefully take you where you want to be.

Meant to add, ds currently doing Finals, and hopes to do his MA in September.

I made my son a revision plan and made him sit in the kitchen sitting with him everyday while he revised. I also printed out test papers, tested and marked them. Yes it was a ball ache and took up ALL of my time when I was working long hours, and caused loads of conflict, but he would have failed if I hadn't done it. In the end he got good GCSE results and learnt how to revise.

He needed less support with his A levels and is now at uni and does it all himself.

If I hadn't have done it I dread to think where he would be now.

My son has Aspergers and struggles to understand cause and effect (hence not understanding the need to or how to revise) but he's got it now.

Personally, I think leaving your son to it at age 14-16 and letting him fail such important exams is a failure of your parenting. Sorry. He's still young and doesn't understand fully the consequences if his actions.

Even if it is a pain in the arse to do. When you have a baby you don't go, well it's hard work feeding and changing them so I won't bother. Your son still needs support and looking after, it's just different, and generally more complicated, stuff now. Complicated by the fact they don't generally want your support hence the conflict.

I think they are under so much pressure at school and home that some kids coping mechanisms are to not try means not failing. It is difficult to find the balance between encouraging, without piling more pressure on.
It very much depends on the individual kids as to whether consequences, and forcing them stick to a rigid timetable works or not.

Some of the tactics suggested above may do some kids more harm than good and be counter productive.