to NOT get involved in my son's GCSE courses and revision

[LittlePeonie]

End of year tests (Y9). 14 year old son barely bothered, or at least very unfocused. Hasn't even got the one book he needs for 2 subjects to revise, and the tests are a week a way.

Suddenly had an unwelcome vision of the GCSE years round the corner. I just can't face chivvying my son along on his GCSE courses, or with his future revision plans etc, as I am sure it will only end in arguments. Really I want to keep out of it unless he asks for advice or such advice offered is welcome "Come to me if you need any help" kind of thing. AIBU?

I managed my own school exams without any parental input - but I was naturally motivated and fairly academic. But things seem different now. Parents seem to be expected to be more involved.

What did other parents do? What would you advise?

Lots of people on here very quick to judge others for having difficulties with their teenagers. As with everything in parenting it depends not only on the parent but on the child. If our children are great at something that doesn't mean we have it sorted. I have two DCs who have always been good sleepers but that doesn't mean my new baby will be. If your teenagers were good at revising and hardworking at school that isn't necessarily an example of good parenting ( although of course you should be proud) it may be that you were just lucky/blessed and another parent who parented in exactly the same way may have a totally different experience.

I have little ones so no idea what mine will be like when they are older but massively sympathise with the op as it must be so frustrating!

"Lots of people on here very quick to judge others for having difficulties with their teenagers. As with everything in parenting it depends not only on the parent but on the child."

Yes. This ^^ with bells and whistles on. The smuggery from parents with self motivated children really gets my goat.

Yes, astonished and fruit and others, but you can only go on your own experience. And the OP asked for our experiences. But you are both right.... My paternal grandmother was like this and it drove my mother insane ("well... you just cross your fingers and hope, don't you" etc)
Also, I work in primary schools and most of the parents who are tearing their hair out about their kids are the most rubbish parents. I mean by that that the parents who prioritise their kids the most do (not always, but above 90%) have the least problems.
It's not guaranteed, but in most cases you do reap what you sow. It's not cast-iron, but generally I'd say the more you support your DC the more your DC flourish.

It hasn't really been mentioned, but attendance at school makes a MASSIVE difference. JUST turning up means a child is more likely to pass tests and exams.

It's hard when you've got a kid on under 80% attendance who's failing and parent invariably says "well, the school's rubbish". It might be, but not being there won't help your child's education.

Maqueen not trying to be all AIBU-viper-y, but I'm SO happy I'm not one of your children. IMHO throwing money at something does not a good parent make. But from your posts, you're happy in the bubble of your world. I'm so glad it's not mine.

It was 3 pages ago, so noone will care, but if you're still reading rightwhine I don't know what the OP has tried and what she hasn't, but she asked for suggestions so I made some. Sorry if this offended you.

I would be the last person to be either a smug parent or to judge people for their difficulties . Anybody who knows me in person - and some MNers do - knows that we have had huge challenges with our daughter.

After my teenagers started high school, I backed off considerably in the 'chivvying' department. I felt they needed to learn the good homework and study habits that suited them, and if the results didn't follow, they would soon pull up their socks. One was a bit slower than the other, but they have done really well. If they need help, they know they can ask. I'll review things for them, but I won't nag. I know parents who are aware of every task and assignment that is due and are on their kids' backs constantly; almost without exception these kids are emotional wrecks.

I'm a bit shocked at posters complaining that teachers aren't doing revision in school. Surely the teacher's job is to teach the content, then it's the student's job - overseen by his/her parents - to revise it? As a teacher I will do my best to revisit topics but time to do this within the school term is overwhelmingly the issue. It needs to be done at home. I just went back to work and took over a class of Y11 students. Two weeks out from their GCSEs and they are asking me when we are going over their 19th century novel because 'they haven't looked at it since last summer'. We're not going over it, is the answer. They should have been revising it and they have known for two years that they would need to revise it at home.

I'm a bit shocked at posters complaining that teachers aren't doing revision in school. Surely the teacher's job is to teach the content, then it's the student's job - overseen by his/her parents - to revise it?
I'm with you.
Plus when we were kids that's exactly how it worked. Teachers taught the content and we revised it.
Now there's an expectation of after school revision and some people think that's all their child has to do.

A friend of mine in had to cancel a revision session because she had to take half a day off work. She got an email of complaint from a parent because "child has informed me you couldn't be bothered and cancelled revision". She replied saying essentially "revision sessions are optional extras that staff do voluntarily. Your child is not entitled to them and I do not have to justify to you or anyone else why it might be cancelled but as you've made such a big fuss about it, I can only apologise for a family member dying"

MaisyPops

I don't know why I am shocked. It is the same where I am. "When are the after school sessions?" the email will read.

Erm, when are the what? The unpaid extra hours I might decide to give your child out of the goodness of my heart and sense of commitment to their education? Thursday.

Trifleorbust
And don't get me started on "timmy isn't where we want him to be. What intervention can you offer?".

What do you mean what intervention? He's being taught everything in class where he puts in 50% effort and his homework has been variable at best. There will be zero discussion about intervention until he's doing thr basic stuff.

Then we wonder how we get A level students complaining that they actually have to be independent and proactive.

MaisyPops

Oh yes: "Where is the extra help/support" for Timmy, a totally NT child who simply couldn't be arsed doing any work or handing in homework for two years. Despite my calls home, Timmy's work ethic has not improved (parents not wanting to have conflict at home, perhaps?). And now the exams are round the corner, Timmy's parents want to know when I will be giving up time after school one-to-one.

I won't be.

Trifleorbust

Same people who say "but what can you do. Timmy is a teenager. Have fun making timmy do anything he doesn't want to".

Well, how about sanction at home for not working in school, not letting him out until homework/revision is done, removing phones or games consoles if he's not pulling his weight (favorite of thr parents in my school.)

If I can get 32 kids to work at school (even if you accept that 3 are working at half effort) then it's not asking much for a bit of support for your own child.

MaisyPops

Couldn't agree more.

Okay - increasingly at Secondary school Study leave is being cancelled - as a result students have to attend revision classes. Yes at GCSE this is the only revision some students will do - and unless you have observed homelife and see whether or not parents have tried (often with tears/screaming etc.) to get their DC revising, then you can't really right off the parents. And the very reason study leave has been cancelled is because some DC don't use it to revise.

I have 3 DC.
DC1 is extremely dyslexic and thought "revising is cheating", for some bizarre reason. Did okay in some subjects not so great in others (pretty much as you could predict from their disability). Yes I spent a lot of effort chivvying them to revise, and was very stressed through their GCSEs.
DC2 became extremely stressed, did some revision, started to find her own methods (despite being told by teachers they were the wrong ways to revise it worked for her). But as she has got older and I learnt to back off totally, has started to ask herself for me to print off past papers for her etc.
DC3 is totally self motivated and a dream - the first of my children to ask me to "test" them on their work.

mummytime

Study leave is being cancelled because schools know that students are not revising, but that doesn't mean there will be guaranteed revision classes for each subject at school. From next week, my timetabled lessons with my English class are largely taken up for exams. The hours between exams (which would traditionally have been study leave) happen to fall outside my lessons for the most part.

More to the point, students should have been revising content all year. If your child is just waking up to the demands of the exams now, well, I'm not sure what to say to be honest.

Okay - increasingly at Secondary school Study leave is being cancelled - as a result students have to attend revision classes.
Yes. Those are rrvision timetables that start about 3 weeks before May half term. Prior to that it is normal timetabled lessons. Nobody has an issue with that.

The issue is that for some students and parents they seem to think that teachers have an obligation to run weekly revision groups out of school hours and that's all the work a child should do.

I run a weekly group. It's well attended and I know the students who attend are working well on their own revision. However colleagues at my school have cancelled theirs because students were messing on in class, not doing homework and expecting staff to run extras.

Yes at GCSE this is the only revision some students will do - and unless you have observed homelife and see whether or not parents have tried (often with tears/screaming etc.) to get their DC revising, then you can't really right off the parents.
Writing off sounds harsh. But I can make a judgement based on the interactions I have with parents. There's a massive difference between parents who say 'we hear you, can they go to a homework club to make sure it's done. Don't worry, we'll have them in each night and they don't go until...' and somebody who for 2 years is totally uncooperative "ah well i know. But what can you do?" And said child has had zero sanction at home, is off out all the time and then 2 months before the exam home decide that the teacher should be working extra hours to make up for their child's lack of work.
And the very reason study leave has been cancelled is because some DC don't use it to revise.
Zero issue with this at all. But as I have said already, timetabled revision in school hours is just like a normal school week of lessons. It is not extra hours that staff are working unpaid.
Even still, any sensible student would have listened to the advice given by school, used the guidance on how to make revision timetables, used lesson time well, done homework etc and not relied on just turning up being enough.

It's our job to teach. Target grades are just that, targets. It's not our job to ensure a child gets a target regardless of their work ethic or attitude.

Fruitcorner and astonished you're very quick to make assumptions. I've had seven DC go through GCSE - three girls and four boys - and all have very different temperaments, including towards their approach to revision. Despite challenges along the way, I believe it's perfectly possible to avoid tears and tempers and arguments, so when a poster says it's inevitable I say no, it's not and indeed those things are much better avoided if possible.

"Maqueen not trying to be all AIBU-viper-y, but I'm SO happy I'm not one of your children. IMHO throwing money at something does not a good parent make. But from your posts, you're happy in the bubble of your world. I'm so glad it's not mine."

chastened well, that sounds pretty damned 'vipery' to me. Can't see that our DDs have 'a problem' nor where 'we have thrown money at it'...but hey ho

I agree with many others, in that when it comes to revision it's best to figure out what kind of support each individual child needs. There is massive variability depending on their personality.

However OP what jumped out at me is that your son is only year 9, and hasn't been doing his homework. With my DS in year 9 - and indeed with all my DC - I insist they do all their homework. They have to show me it after they've done it. If they don't then I don't argue with them, but they don't get their allowance that week, or any lifts to social activities at the weekend. Same if they don't do their chores around the house.

Yes of course it's vipery MaQueen. Anyone who isn't constantly declaring how difficult their lot as a parent is is labelled smug but in fact those who accuse simply sound chippy. I'm over it already :)

I think you said you bought materials etc. And yet one poster (can't remember who or how far back) said parents needed to support with (among a list of other things).... tutors .

Etymology23

You know that's not what I'm saying. Getting a first is a combination of; time and effort allocated in to studying the subject, good note taking, revision and memorisation technique, exam practice, motivation and enthusiasm for the subject, time dedicated to reading outside of the compulsory topics (this may include reading journals), high self esteem and belief that you can do well, having friends/peers with the same attitude to do well, healthy diet and good levels of fitness.

Some variables can impact on your grades such as stress, depression, bereavement, illness, attitude to learning, peers who aren't interested in the subject, disinterest in the subject and other personal problems.

There are many people who've got in to Oxbridge who haven't graduated with a 2:1 or a first. Most notably Carol Vorderman. She had the right technique to get in to Cambridge but there were other factors involved which meant she didn't graduate with a top mark. I don't doubt that she could have.

Why is CV the most notable ?

"And the very reason study leave has been cancelled is because some DC don't use it to revise."

That's what DD's school have said. To be fair the results at her school have been climbing over the last few years, but DD would have preferred to revise at home as she would have got more done, but not all students are like her.

They get study leave in year 12 though. Unfortunately she hasn't had enough time beforehand as her study leave started after school on Friday and her first exam is today.

Ah, right...thanks for that goodbye I hadn't seen that MN memo

Our DDs are still only early teens, but so far there haven't been any problems or ishoos...no doubt, we're doing something terribly wrong.

Oh, I tell a lie...DD1 completely failed to make me a cuppa tea this morning, as she usually does...is this the start of a slippery slope

goodbyestranger what i mean is that your sample of seven is just that, a very small sample of teenagers. It doesn't mean that all teenagers will sail through without struggles and tantrums and it doesn't mean that anyone who struggles has made parenting errors. However I agree it's not inevitable.

Sometimes the poo poo doesn't hit the fan until late teens