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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to NOT get involved in my son's GCSE courses and revision

172 replies

LittlePeonie · 13/05/2017 22:15

End of year tests (Y9). 14 year old son barely bothered, or at least very unfocused. Hasn't even got the one book he needs for 2 subjects to revise, and the tests are a week a way.

Suddenly had an unwelcome vision of the GCSE years round the corner. I just can't face chivvying my son along on his GCSE courses, or with his future revision plans etc, as I am sure it will only end in arguments. Really I want to keep out of it unless he asks for advice or such advice offered is welcome "Come to me if you need any help" kind of thing. AIBU?

I managed my own school exams without any parental input - but I was naturally motivated and fairly academic. But things seem different now. Parents seem to be expected to be more involved.

What did other parents do? What would you advise?

OP posts:

likeababyelephant · 14/05/2017 19:36

Teen

It depends on whether or not you enjoy and have the motivation for the subject.

If you study smart as they say, you will excel. It's all about technique.

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 14/05/2017 19:38

OP do what you think is right. Sometimes they need to fail and learn from their own experience. GCSEs are a relatively good time for that life experience as all is not lost. It's ok to fail/make mistakes as long as he learns from that.

likeababyelephant · 14/05/2017 19:39

spend her entire school year in a cupboard, and still sit her end of year maths exams and come top in her form

Presumably she studied the content and more?. Made good notes, read around the subject and made a conscious effort to remember the material?

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 14/05/2017 19:39

But I would also make it clear that you will bust a gut to help him if he asks.

TeenAndTween · 14/05/2017 19:46

It depends on whether or not you enjoy and have the motivation for the subject.

How many people enjoy a subject they are poor at?

So by saying 'enjoy' surely you are excluding the people who aren't very able at it, thus becoming almost a self fulfilling statement?

Joinourclub · 14/05/2017 19:47

You need to support him in his revision and study. That doesn't have to mean sitting down and doing it with him, or arguments. It should mean :
Providing him with a place to study- a desk in his room, peace and quiet at the kitchen table.
Removing distractions/temptations when it is time to revise - no TV or play station or iPad in the study space.
Ensuring he has organisational and revision skills - help him make a revision time table, show him how to mind map, take notes, highlight key points, make flash cards etc tell him about the pomodoro method!
Provide the resources he needs, any region guides, paper and stationery.
Being interested in what he is studying and being proud of his successes. Act like you care! If you don't why should he?!
Make sure he is getting enough sleep, so no screens / phone in the bedroom after a reasonable hour.

MaQueen · 14/05/2017 19:47

Not really elephant. She is just very gifted at maths. Even at only 3 years old she had a real thing with numbers. My DH was exactly the same.

She never 'reads around maths' and appears to do the minimum amount of work necessary.

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2017 19:53

I think it's hard to watch your child setting out to fail, knowing the major impact it will have on their future life. Simply to avoid the stress of dealing with it. Many people say they wish they'd studied harder when they were younger.

I wouldn't get actively involved but I would sit him down and talk about his future, what he wishes to do and how he expects to achieve it, explain the limitation of his options if he fails or does poorly, his future choices limitations and then very probably being a low earner all his life and any family he has also struggling. It's not the case for everyone who does crap, but it is for very many of them and that's the very serious life choice he is making by not studying.

I think some kids are simply immature and don't understand the possible future impacts of having shit exam results.

SafeToCross · 14/05/2017 20:01

Be interested, sympathetic to any issues or stress, reward effort, help him figure out how to problem solve eg if he doesn't get something, who will he ask, when. Ask him what he is aiming to achieve, and help him assess if he is on track for that outcome. Get other adults in his life to take an interest too, or tell him about how they approached their exams. If he does nothing, point it out and ask him how he intends to address the problem. Beyond that, I am out of ideas, but agree, arguments and shouting won't really help. Choose calm times to persistently show it matters and you are interested.

likeababyelephant · 14/05/2017 20:01

Teen

I did say with the right technique.

MaQueen

Well obviously she's been primed in the subject of your DH also likes maths. You don't think he has an influence on her "abilities "?

ciderwithrose · 14/05/2017 20:04

Hi op, I am a Secondary teacher at a very nice, academically average state school. Only a few of our Year 11s have revised thoroughly for the last few months , the majority have been in denial about it until about two weeks ago.
I think it is helpful to remind them to set aside 2 hours a night, to have a copy of their exam timetable on the fridge so everyone knows the days that exams are on, and to advise them to do it. You can't force them of course. But I will say that for English Lang and Lit this year, scraping a pass in the new GCSEs is not going to come easily to students who would have previously winged it. There will also be a new law in effect as of next year where anyone who has had to do a retake to pass a GCSE will have to declare it on CVs and uni/college/apprenticeships applications (you can thank Gove for that one too). The rationale behind it is that re-takes signal a lack of a work ethic. Harsh, I know.

TeenAndTween · 14/05/2017 20:07

There will also be a new law in effect as of next year where anyone who has had to do a retake to pass a GCSE will have to declare it on CVs and uni/college/apprenticeships applications

Are you sure - not heard that one? can you post a link?
I know you do for uni/college as they want to see what you can pass in one go, but CVs???

MaQueen · 14/05/2017 20:14

Absolutely not elephant. I think she definitely inherited his ability, but he has never done any maths with her.

LightYears · 14/05/2017 20:14

There will also be a new law in effect as of next year where anyone who has had to do a retake to pass a GCSE will have to declare it on CVs and uni/college/apprenticeships applications Would this be the same for A levels too?

goodbyestranger · 14/05/2017 20:19

Make flash cards?!

You're not serious?

ciderwithrose · 14/05/2017 20:25

My Faculty Head told us the news about declaring re-sits last year on CVs when we first started the new GCSE. We have reinforced the message to all of our students. I don't have a link but will look.
It is also tough because students are being forced to re-take the failed GCSEs if they are in Maths or English, regardless of how they feel about the subject.

ciderwithrose · 14/05/2017 20:30

I can't find any links stating that re-sits must be stated on CVs so apologies, that information may well be incorrect. Sorry for alarm.

Iamastonished · 14/05/2017 20:35

MaQueen Can I suggest that you are lucky you have such self motivated children, not all children are like yours.

DD can self study, but she still needs encouragement and support. She has written reams of notes for a psychology exam tomorrow (AS level), but she still wants me to test her to make sure she knows and understands the subject.

I am not going to wash my hands off my daughter's education just because I completed mine nearly 40 years ago.

I can't believe students are going to be penalised for having to do re-sits. What about extenuating circumstances?

MaQueen · 14/05/2017 20:44

I just don't feel any need to get involved in their education. Surely that's what their teachers and school are for?

I don't think our DDs are hugely motivated, but they seem to do enough to get by.

I think I can safely say you won't ever find me making flashcards...

Iamastonished · 14/05/2017 21:00

I have never made flash cards for DD. She did her own or the teacher made some. DD only asks me to test her after she has revised and made notes.

If your children asked you to do that would you refuse?

Iamastonished · 14/05/2017 21:01

Posted too early

"I just don't feel any need to get involved in their education."

So you never go to parents evening, or discuss anything to do with school with your children?

MaQueen · 14/05/2017 21:04

No, we always go to Parent's Evening, and we might have the occasional brief chat about school over dinner.

But, other than that, I don't get involved. If they weren't hitting their tracking targets, or end of year levels I would start to cast an eye over what they were up to. But so far, so good.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 21:04

I am a teacher so may not be fully representative. I also teach where my DD goes to school and so perhaps have more of an idea of what is going on. She is in year 10.

I think our main role is to provide the right environment and show interest. You also have to consider the temperament of your child. I check my DDs books about once a fortnight. When I am working ( I am off sick at the moment) she does her homework in my classroom as I work and so we will talk about what she is doing and any struggles. I am also fortunate to be able to pop into her after school art sessions every now and again to see how she is doing.

I also try and encourage her to do well by talking to her about what she wants to do, taking her to places linked with her studies for example art galleries. We try to talk about things linked with her subjects at home, again this is a bit easier as I teach one of her GCSE options. I have read the books she is studying at school so we can talk about them as she struggles with English.

We have also looked at university entry requirements as I know that it a huge motivator for her. She also is quite driven by money, we have encouraged her to get a job so she can buy herself nice things and stressed that if she wants to have those things as an adult she will need good qualifications.

When she has things to learn for an exam or test I often test her at home and have helped her make revision timetables, flash cards and have helped look for revision websites.

Her GCSE in art takes up a lot of her time and she enjoys showing me her work and asking for my opinion ( and then ignoring it)

However my DD likes that level of input. I would have to handle things differently if she didn't.

MaQueen · 14/05/2017 21:05

I wouldn't refuse to quickly test them. But I wouldn't spend an entire weekend at it.

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 14/05/2017 21:06

@MaQueen but the fact that you know that she is hitting her targets and that you would intervene if she was under target suggests that you are not as laid back as you are saying.

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