Page 8 | Is husband being unreasonable?

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 2017-05-13T20:38:13+00:00

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day. Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 10:45

I don't think there is much excuse sorry confused

I'm not making any excuses. I don't need to because my DH and I are both perfectly happy with the way our lives and our house is run. Like I said, I'm so glad I'm married to a man who doesn't behave like a petulant child if he gets home and there is laundry to be done or dishes to be washed. He just pitches in and helps. We have equal leisure time, what can be fairer than that?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/05/2017 10:45

Tbh, unless you have a really high needs baby it isn't hard to keep on top of a house while at home. The person at home should do the bulk of the work while at home, and then 50/50 when the other gets home

Agreed.People who work full time, men, women, parents seem to manage to do housework without taking all day.

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 10:47

I'm not saying you personally obviously.

If your relationship works with whatever you do that's great, but ops obviously doesn't.

Her husband isn't happy for whatever reason so something needs to change for them!

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/05/2017 10:52

I love it when people say that SAHP are doing it so that their partners can have a career. Umm no the working partner is working so the SAHP can be a SAHP. When/if I have children, I will have to work as I earn considerably more than dp. I would work to keep the roofs over our heads and food on the table etc. If I got home I would be pretty pissed off if everyday it was a shit pit and I was then expected to do most of the housework too. Why is the working one always the 'devil' surely they would like to spend time with dc in the evenings too! Obviously normal mess is one thing but unclean? I don't think it's on to be honest, especially when OP has already said that her dh is very hands on and helps with all areas too.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 11:24

Umm no the working partner is working so the SAHP can be a SAHP.

Categorically untrue. When I was a SAHP, my DP didn't have to contribute anything towards nursery fees and he never had to compromise his career a jot by needing to take time off when DS was sick, or leaving early/arriving late to do nursery drop off or pick up. Never had to cook during the week. Had his lunch made for him to take in every day.

He gets none of that now and financially we aren't better off.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 14/05/2017 11:25

When I was a SAHM and Dh worked, dh would come home and cook the dinner, mainly as he enjoyed it, and I hate cooking, but i did everything else.

Now, I work out the home and he works from home 4 days a week. I have to be honest, while I am fully aware he is working from home, there is nothing that annoys me more than coming home to the house in a state after a shift, and he has been home all day.

I know he is working from home, I do not expect a show room, but I do expect the breakfast/lunch stuff washed up.

If he was the SAHP and I came home and he had only made the dinner and there was still a load of laundry and cleaning to do, it would be very annoying.

Being the SAHM was so much easier than my life now. Even with me doing 99% of the stuff in the house and 2 kids at home.

But, I think it is very easy (and I am guilty of this even now) to only see your side of it. I come home from a busy shift, I have done over 15 000 steps over the course of my shift, been very busy and I come home and there is washing up or hoovering to do. I can feel the rage rising. I see DH who works from home, has been sat down all day, apart from doing the school runs, and I think why has he not bothered.

I do really have to force myself to remember he is working from home, and as such has had meetings or stuff to do etc. Still wish he would wash the bloody dishes though.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 11:29

And btw I hated being a SAHP and found it 100x more knackering than being at work.

Toadinthehole · 14/05/2017 11:32

Depends on the job and the children. I found looking after young children considerably less taxing than my job.

NightWanderer · 14/05/2017 11:33

Don't say that everyone is different and some people struggle more with housework than others!

I really want one of these houses that only takes 10 minutes to clean though. That would be amazing.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 11:33

My job is stressful. It just isn't as stressful as my child

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 11:33

God it's like a massive argument of whose got it harder and who allows who to do what.

Surely it's not about allowing your husband to work or him allowing you to stay at home? Is it not just what works for you all as a family?

I work part time but I wouldn't say dp working full time 'allows' me to do that or me working part time 'allows' him to work full time. We just do what we do because it makes sense and it works for us.

Yes his wage may mean you can not work, and you not working might mean he doesn't have to pay for childcare (though you'd surely share that if you were working anyway) but it's not about doing each other a favour is it its just about doing what works.

What op and her husband are or are not doing isn't working so somethings got to give

RedSkyAtNight · 14/05/2017 11:33

What we can't tell is

if OP spends her day caring for his DC and does as much housework as she can sensibly manage round them without wearing herself into the ground

Or

does the absolute minimum she thinks she can get away with and expects DH to pick up the slack

in the 1st case DH is clearly unreasonable and in the 2nd case he isn't. I can't tell (and I'm amazed anyone else can ...) from the OP which scenario this is.

As for those who say that DH can't question what OP does - by the same token then iif he decided he fancied doing a lesser paid job instead of the one he is currently doing and just expecting OP to take an evening job to make up the shortfall ... OP wouldn't be allowed to question this as he is the main breadwinner?

Hotpinkangel19 · 14/05/2017 11:33

What hours does he work op?

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/05/2017 11:35

Categorically untrue. When I was a SAHP, my DP didn't have to contribute anything towards nursery fees and he never had to compromise his career a jot by needing to take time off when DS was sick, or leaving early/arriving late to do nursery drop off or pick up. Never had to cook during the week. Had his lunch made for him to take in every day.

Ok fair point, I should have said often and not implied this was always the case. However your situation sounds completely different to the OP. She has already said he is very hands on. This makes me think he also does not expect his lunch to be made for him.
Most working parents I know are doing so because money is required to live and not because they want to swan off everyday away from the home. If you are lucky enough to be able to support yourself whilst not working then yes, I suppose it's different.

Figgygal · 14/05/2017 11:38

Sorry I'm sure your DH would love to enjoy time with his children too but has to go to work all day. why is it when he comes home he should be picking up more than his fair share of housework because you're too busy having fun?

I'm on maternity leave at the moment God knows how I will keep on top of the house when I go back to work but while I'm off yeah I do the kitchen I do the bathroom I do the dishes I do the laundry but I also have a lot of time to myself and do things with the baby and my 5yo after school. I don't do it because it's my job to do it I do it because someone has to do it and I have more time than my husband so it's a fair division of labour. Okay you cook but if you're spending the rest of your time in the park or at baby groups sorry I do think you're taking the piss

RebelRogue · 14/05/2017 11:39

RedSky exactly. Conveniently, OP forgot to come back and clarify that "little" point.

gleam · 14/05/2017 11:44

whattheactualfudge but your mum wasn't at home all day doing the childcare work if she was at work all day!
So, no, she wasn't doing the same as the op. The two cannot be compared.

StickThatInYourPipe · 14/05/2017 11:47

I'm sorry I read the reply I quoted to quickly and got the wrong end of the stick.

I don't support the argument that your DH didn't have to pay for childcare etc as if you had been working you could have shared the responsibility of that payment, your wages would have been there to cover the slack and you wouldn't have had to sacrifice your career. It was your choice to be a SAHP and do that. If it was that important for you, you would have made it work differently.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/05/2017 11:53

I work part time but I wouldn't say dp working full time 'allows' me to do that or me working part time 'allows' him to work full time. We just do what we do because it makes sense and it works for us

The mantra on MN is usually the stay at home mother allows the father to pursue his career by providing unpaid "wife work" by looking after "his children" whilst getting nothing out of it.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 12:00

The mantra on MN is usually the stay at home mother allows the father to pursue his career by providing unpaid "wife work" by looking after "his children" whilst getting nothing out of it.

I got nothing out of being a SAHP.

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 12:02

as if you had been working you could have shared the responsibility of that payment, your wages would have been there to cover the slack

I earn ten per cent what he earns. We are financially worse off by my going back to work, which I've done regardless as I hated staying at home.

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 12:02

It's bollocks isn't it.

If you don't want to do 'wife work' and get nothing out of looking after your own kids and everything you do is for your husbands benefit you're in the wrong marriage and surely shouldn't have had kids?!

Or at least agreed with husband that it would be him staying at home looking after your kids so you could further your career?

I'm baffled by some stuff on here

HomityBabbityPie · 14/05/2017 12:05

I'm baffled by some stuff on here

So am I but not for the same reason you are.

newnameoldme · 14/05/2017 12:10

looking at this thread again and it's shocking how many people seem to accept that being a mother and not working outside the home makes you automatically responsible for keeping the place spic and span and failing to do so is clear indication of your failings as a human!
lazy?
what if you're not especially good at cleaning? or the relentlessness just pisses you off so you focus on keeping up with essentials and just do your best with other domestic chores. there is a lot more to life isn't there?
the OP mentioned her DH is a little OCD, well that's unfortunate if he doesn't want to spend the time to reach his own high expectations
a cleaner to do a couple of hours a week deep clean in bathroom and kitchen is not hugely expensive
and get the kids doing chores as soon as they stand.

I am not buying into this idea that becoming a SAHM for whatever reason requires you becoming a Stepford wife. It's depressing that so many women on mumsnet of all places are still perpetuating this

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 12:13

There is a lot more to life than cleaning and yes I imagine most of of don't enjoy it and have better things to do. But it's part of being a parent an adult isn't it?

It's nothing to do with being a woman my opinion stands that whoever is at home does the majority of the cleaning on those days. If you're both at home at the weekend for example then whatever needs doing gets split between you.

I don't particularly like cooking should I hire a chef because there's more to life?

It's not realistic to not do things just because you'd rather be doing something else or you're not very good at it!