Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband being unreasonable?

240 replies

IsItWine0ClockSoon · 13/05/2017 21:38

I'm a stay at home and my husband is unhappy with the lack of work I do around the house. I make home cooked meals every day for us and our children, take son to preschool and look after baby at home. I fit in my exercise when I can but it seems that nothing i do is enough. He gets annoyed that there is still laundry, cleaning etc to do when he gets home and wonders why it so not been done during the day.
Is he being unfair to ask this? I would rather enjoy my children than spend all of my time cleaning/ironing etc.

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 14/05/2017 09:21

Can you afford a cleaner? That's the main argument in our house, I'm sahm unpaid slave Hmm unlike your oh moans but never lifts a finger unless it's cleaning his car. If I could I'd get a cleaner so much easier.

RainbowBriteRules · 14/05/2017 09:22

Morris Grin

Mustang27 · 14/05/2017 09:22

Oh and what Morriszapp said

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 09:24

But if it's a father suddenly it's 'omg but he's been working ALL DAY'. Well blimey what a hero. Steak dinner for Steve

This really made me laugh! But I agree 100%. When DH lived alone he washed his clothes, cleaned his house and cooked his dinner on top of a full day's work. As did I. Im not sure why, now he's a father, he suddenly has to do nothing round the house whatsoever.
I read threads like this and am so grateful my DH is who he is.

Trifleorbust · 14/05/2017 09:30

Most of my working life I've come home at 6pm and not one fucker has washed my pants or made me a hot meal.

This made me laugh.

Instasista · 14/05/2017 09:34

I don't know, my DH works from home and I expect him to do more house stuff because he's in the house all day- he doesn't do a commute which takes 2 hours out of mine. SO he can easily pop a load of washing on and prep the dinner. He's not looking after children but he's still working so same thing.

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 09:35

'Raising his children' so are they not her children too. Op probably doesn't have to stay at home? She could have an option to return to work full time and put both kids in childcare and then do half the laundry/cooking/whatever else when she gets home and dh can do the other half?

All this bringing up HIS children and sacrificing pensions and shit so HE can work is utter balls. I doubt op is chained to the sink surely if she wanted to work full time she could?

Why does everything have to be for the man. It's not for the man is it its for them all, her him and the kids!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 14/05/2017 09:39

I'd hope most adults could come home and cook/do laundry.

The difference is he has been to work all day to provide financially so that his wife doesn't have to work. The very least she could do is the housework.

Reverse this and he would be a cocklodger for expecting to be financed and do little around the house.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 09:43

The difference is he has been to work all day to provide financially so that his wife doesn't have to work. The very least she could do is the housework

My DH doesn't go to work just so I don't have to. That's bullshit. He goes to work because he enjoys his career, and we decided together that the best thing for our family and for our children at the moment is for me to be at home looking after them. Im not forcing him out to work down the mines so that I can lie around at home in a fur coat.
Surely the 'very least' she could do as a SAHM is look after their children?

Writerwannabe83 · 14/05/2017 09:47

I work full time over 3 days which means for three days between Mon-Fri I'm home with our 3 year old.

I always make sure the house is relatively tidy for when DH comes home, that the washing up is done, the kitchen is tidy and I have managed to put at least one load of washing on Smile

The other bigger jobs like hoovering, dusting, cleaning the kitchen floors and bathrooms etc are shared out about 30/70 but only because I'm home more so have more time to do them.

However, because when I do work I'm out the house for 14 hours my DH does appreciate that on my days off I'm usually shattered and he knows what a nightmare out toddker can be at times so he really wouldn't care if he came home and the place wasn't tidy. He cooks in our house so he still makes dinner about 3-4 nights a week once he comes home from work....he definitely wouldn't expect dinner on the table just because I've been at home whilst he's been at work.

It's all about finding a way that works.

In OPs situation I imagine it's easy to say "she should do the bulk and do more each day" but I've never been at home with a toddler AND a baby and I can't imagine how difficult, tiring and stressul it may be!!

I do think some of these DHs should spend a week solo parenting and see how much housework they manage to achieve. I doubt many of them would be rushing to give up they're jobs to be a SAHP.....

sailorcherries · 14/05/2017 09:51

The housework, in this instance, is not shared.
She cooks a meal and does a school run. She might exercise. Anything else she says she doesn't want to do because she wants to 'enjoy the kids'.

This means he works. Then comes home to tidy, clean and do laundry before getting to enjoy the kids.

How is that bloody fair?
It's not shared 50/50, I wouldn't even hazard a guess at it being close to 70/30 based on that.

Why does her want to enjoy the kids trump everything else, at his detriment?

To those who say their OH would be sympathetic if they came home to a messy house and understand it had been a 'rough' day, I'm assuming this is a one off thing? Not something that would warrant an aibu thread as a one off about them being annoyed, with the tone that it happens more frequently than it does not.

And to whoever implied I have some sort of miracle child because I find working and keeping on top of a house/days off, childcare and on top of a house easy, stop being so dramatic and martyr-like.
It's about prioritising properly.

Never once have I come across a child so entirely high needs that you cannot wash a few dishes as you go, or quickly tidy up the room you are in once they finish playing with something, or wipe down a few work surfaces.
Things that literally take minutes to do and can be done sporadically throughout the day.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 14/05/2017 09:51

Do people not sit down and discuss expectations before they take on certain roles? Because it's clear from this thread that a SAHP has different meanings to different people.

Also, I think it would be hugely beneficial for the working parent to swap roles with the SAHP for a week to get a feel for what it's like, because it seems that what many WPs think happens isnt what actually happens!

Fruitcorner123 · 14/05/2017 09:51

phoenix the rabbit i know this thread has moved on but you have missed a vital point. If you work full time and do all those other things you are not looking after your kids all day as well are you? Someone else is for you. Quite commonly they will get two or three meals not with you but they certainly have one. So it is bollocks!

BigGrannyPants · 14/05/2017 09:54

@phoenixtherabbit what makes you assume OP has the option of childcare and return to work? Sometimes this is a financial impossibility. I had to leave my job as child care is more than I earned, so I am a SAHM because that was the only option for us.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 14/05/2017 09:58

Being at home is a doddle compared to working and then coming home and doing everything.

If kept on top of it doesn't take long to have the household tasks done, by late morning on maternity leaves I had everything done and the rest of the day free to do as I pleased.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 10:01

Who says he's coming home and doing everything? It doesn't sound like he's coming home and doing all the housework while she sits in front of the TV. Maybe he's coming home and they're both doing it? Or it's being left for the OP to do the next day?

RainbowBriteRules · 14/05/2017 10:01

I guess everyone is different. I found being at work (except for the pick up and drop off stress which is one of the reasons I am part time) a doddle compared to being at home with a baby and a preschooler. This is even with a nightmare boss.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 10:03

DH freely admits his day is easier than being at home with the DC.

BigGrannyPants · 14/05/2017 10:08

@RainbowsAndUnicorn that's not my experience at all, working full time was much easier than being a SAHM and I don't find it easy to keep on top of housework.

witsender · 14/05/2017 10:26

Depends on your job tbh. I don't think I have ever had one job in my career that has been easier than being at home. Less frustrating sometimes sure, but I've always had challenging jobs and so has DH.

I also found babies and toddlers far easier to 'keep house' with. I now have a 5 and nigh on 7 yr old that we home ed, I do 4 days and he does 1. (We used to do 3 each). That is way harder!

Toadinthehole · 14/05/2017 10:32

When my DCs were very young, DW and I both worked part-time, and looked after the kids part-time.

When it was my turn I managed to look after them, do some cleaning, and have dinner on the table for DW when she got in. It seemed no me than common sense: after all, I was there. No one gave me a medal and I certainly never asked for one.

DW's turn? Nope: house generally a tip, daren't sit down (squashed banana), sticky patches, everyone grumpy: I knew I'd have a fun evening ahead of me: kids at their worst, dinner to cook, and a load of chores I'd have done during the day.

Then I went FT and lived in squalor for a few years. At least everyone got a good dinner as I made it myself when I got in.

I say this because, contrary to some remarks above, I, a worked working parent, knew perfectly well what my kids were like to look after, because I did it.

To this day DW will say how exhausting it was. And while I won't deny that she was exhausted, it grieves me even now she never even tried to get on top of things and took advice from no one, and basically made our lives far harder than they should have been.

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 10:32

No if you're working full time you're not looking after the kids. But if you're looking after the kids you're not working full time and therefore are in the house.

It's not about who works harder etc is that if you're at home you're physically able to do things around the house because you're in it. If you're at work, you're not.

Ecureuil · 14/05/2017 10:37

But if you're looking after the kids you're not working full time and therefore are in the house

I don't know any SAHM's who actually spend their day staying at home. We spend pretty much 9-5 out of the house at activities/parks/farms/visiting family etc. I'm not physically in the house much more than DH is.

Also... DH's job is a 'challenging' job (as was mine... both senior managers in financial services with big teams to manage and a lot of financial responsibility). DH finds it easier than being at home with the children because he manages his own schedule, knows what he's doing, is experienced, good at what he does, gets acknowledgement for a job well done etc. Being at home with very young children is very very different. Some people find it easier, some don't.

Funnyfarmer · 14/05/2017 10:39

I really don't understand your point @NeverEvenHeardOfAgentZigzag?
It seems you think he gets no say in the way the house us run and maintained?

phoenixtherabbit · 14/05/2017 10:41

I've already said I find it easier being at work. For me it is easier.

But then when I am at home I don't spend 9-5 out the house either because my child would be exhausted. We obviously go out a few hours at a time.

Similarly though if you spend 9-5 out the house with the kids it wouldn't be untidy anyway? So maybe only 1 lot of laundry might want throwing in and that takes what 10/15 mins total?

I don't think there is much excuse sorry Confused