parents - I just dont really enjoy spending time with them

[peaceout]

and yet they just carry on inviting themselves over to see me.

I'm a very quiet unsociable person, I choose to spend nearly all my time alone, but they seem to feel entitled to my time and energy and I resent it.

I'm not looking for a solution, just offloading and wondering if I'm alone in feeling like this?
(I know I'll be flamed for being unkind/ungrateful etc )

Op why were you so obtuse at the start?

Why not just say "I had a bad childhood/abusive parents and now I don't want their long visits to my home".

You would have had very different responses...

Peace out.
I feel the same.
If I go to my mums and there are loads of people there and I didn't know the would be there, I am rendered mute and spend too much time in the bathroom for peace. And the people concerned are family who I love!
Cannot fathom why on earth I'm like that.
When my family used to come around as a child, I found them all so overwhelming that I used to retreat to my room or the garden for peace.
I hated being given presents as the pressure to give the right reaction was just too immense.
Hated and still hate being this way.

"the more I really think so much in life is down to childhood, parenting and early attachments"

You are so right deckoff. Having spent the afternoon testing DD for AS psychology, this is one of the subjects we covered.

I think Beebeeeight is right. You would have had much more sympathetic responses.

I completely understand.
Until recently I thought I grew up in a 'normal' family.
It's only in the last few years that I have realised that it was a bit fucked up. Both parents had very different, but equally problematic childhoods - DF's mother had mental illness and his father died while he was in his teens, while DM grew up with a disabled brother and as a result, vied for the attention of the adults in the family and by her own admission became a little madam.
I can now see how this affected the partners/parents they became.

We were definitely not neglected or abused, which is why it has taken me to my 40s to realise there were issues, but there was weird emotional shit. I can't really remember feeling loved, but at the same time nor did I feel unloved. That doesn't really make sense but it's the only way I can describe it. I hated their attention - would rather go to school sick than be looked after, hated going into their bed for cuddles
My mum was very shouty (I suspect PND now), they argued a lot and dad quite repressed emotionally but it wasn't even that. I just didn't feel close.
As I have got older we have become closer - I have young kids who they adore, my dad is quite sick and I want to support him, and my brothers have fucked off and all but deserted them. But I still dread them asking to visit, hope they will say no when I reluctantly offer a bed for the night, and am secretly happy when they are on holiday so I can have a break from phone calls.
My mum has become needy - always telling me she loves me and sending me those stupid 'if you have a daughter' posts on FB. It just doesn't sit right with how she used to be. And dad is just emotional about how fantastic DH is with DC and I can see he regrets how (relatively) uninvolved he was in our childhoods. I love them but they piss me off and I find it hard to spend time with them.
I am a bit of an introvert and find it hard to maintain contact with friends and family and, if they were happily retired, with a social circle and gallivanting round the world on post retirement holidays, I'm sure I wouldn't have as much contact as we do.
But they have a very shit life because of Dad's Parkinson's and I feel guilty.

I just completely took over your thread.
Just couldn't explain in fewer words. Sorry.

Halle it sounds like there was illness and young deaths in your family. I dont think those things could be changed. It was likely not to be choice. We have to try to get through illness and death.

Halle don't apologise, it's all so stressful and uncomfortable isn't it
I know I've not been very forthcoming, sorry not up to bearing my soul but I really appreciate those who've empathised, those who've been a bit hostile I get where you are comming from and I don't take it personally
I know I'm an oddball, I don't want to upset or offend people, but I don't want to feel upset and stressed either

Gah!
Life eh!

I just didn't feel close
Me too, I just want to keep them, and most other people, at arms length
too overwhelming

My DH feels a bit like you I think. I don't think it's that unusual but it sure is taboo to admit it! I would consider visiting them and staying in a hotel. It gives you more control.

How would you feel if your parents needed you to take care of them you are their next of kin. Could you see yourself stepping up and looking after them. I think that is something you should ask yourself you are living for now what about the future.

You need to get strong for your parents do you want people to take liberties with them in a care home or in hospital. My mil was taken of her mess in hospital and given morphine because the agency staff were to worried about their necks. Her children had to kick off and threaten them with the legal system. Could you handle that situation without crumbling and falling apart. You need to get strong and wake up and show your children that no matter what your differences are with your parents you can be a strong, caring and supportive woman.

We are all fucked up one way or another but it's how you decide to come out of it. What ever you decide do not think about tomorrow, think about the future.

I'm not a nurse and i have my own living to earn
they are wealthy enough to pay for care.
I live a few hundred miles away, dont drive, if they wanted me to be on hand they'd have to move to be nearer to me

Of course they would have to be nearer to you my partners mother lives 10 hrs away by plane not driving, she lives with my sil. My sil is not a nurse but she knew something was wrong and she handled it and they had to put her back her on her meds. They can have carers in their house where they live now but some people get desperate and financial abuse can happen if they no that no one is looking out for them. Once a man twice a child.

If you don't get on with them then have a break from them don't feel pressured. Have it in the back of your mind they are going to need you one day. Money can't buy you health unfortunately.

Do you go to visit them?
If you lived beside them then there might not be a problem because you could come and go as you please.
You could visit them or not and you wouldn't be forced into having them wanting your time for a whole weekend.

Am I understanding you correctly that it's not just your parents, if friends were doing the same, you wouldn't like it either. You don't like having people on top of you / staying in your space and that's fair enough! Lots of people are like that.

My parents are dead (it's hard to type that)
I had an amazing relationship with my Mam she wasn't perfect but did her best. My Dad was an abusive arsehole. When he was alive he had a major operation, I refused to go and see him in ICU. My siblings told me I was heartless and cold. Funnily they chose to "forget" how awful he was as a father. I stood up and said no I don't care if he dies and I was the worst in the world. When he did die it was a sad time possibly because I never had a relationship with him. I made my peace with him but for me not for him.

I really hate when people come on threads like this and say "at least you have your mother/father"
It's never that black and white.

I would give anything to have my Mam back but that isn't peaceout problem and she shouldn't feel she has to have a relationship with her parents because some of us have lost ours

peaceout It might be time to make excuses or be honest and say you don't want them visiting as much

Best of luck

I don't have a great relationship with mine. My mum just makes me very anxious and I had issues in the past when this would end up as panic attacks. I became quite ill with the worry they would visit. And it's not like we were arguing, we actually didn't because I just stayed silent and tense most of the time. My mum is very controlling and judgemental, she hasn't done anything wrong over the last decade but I still cannot force myself to feel happy around her. I cannot deal with a 24h visit. We live in two different countries and I avoid visits, phone calls and any kind of facetime... Yet when she visits, I feel this anxiety creeping up again. Unless you've lived it, you really cannot appreciate how difficult it is to feel this way about your parents. My mum would visit or call as if nothing has ever happened and as if we had a good relationship, which makes it even more difficult because I don't feel that way. I have a brilliant relationship with every other member of my family and wouldn't feel that way with anyone else, just her, so I know it's a reaction embedded in my subconscious and linked to a great amount of small actions piled up over the years that made me feel inadequate, lack self-esteem and end up in unhealthy needy relationships. But because it's a list of small things, instead of a big blown up, it just makes me feel guilty when I think about it. It's difficult to explain to people who have good bonds with their parents and you are likely to find a lot of judgement. I'd recommend that if you cannot avoid it, you take these visits out of your house. That way, you can just go back home when you need to, after a good-bye. I know I used to feel trapped when they stayed over because I couldn't go anywhere. I suggested a hotel for any further visits. It's not fun, I think we all wish we had better relationships with our parents. When this happens and it is making you ill (anxious, worried, etc), it's not being selfish but about needing help to explore what is really going on and why you feel that way. I had professional guidance and it was very helpful to understand my feelings.

I sympathize OP. I have a somewhat strained relationship with my parents too. They're divorced, dad's an alcoholic, but I rarely see him now as we're in different countries.

I don't even know how to define my relationship with mum, but what Sleepyfun said about not feeling good enough certainly resonated. She's critical and I have to watch what I say when I'm with her, and I can't just relax and be myself with her. She makes me feel like I'm still a child basically, and I'm 48.

So I'm whittering on, but basically yes, I feel anxious and uptight during any parental contact and don't have a close relationship with them.

I've just read your post Jedimum1, and you explained it better than me. That's exactly how I feel!

CarolsSecretcookierecipe (TWD?), it's such a difficult topic! For a long time, I had to hear people saying to my face how odd that I didn't have a good relationship with my mum and that once I had children, I would understand her better. Well... I actually didn't! When I had children, it just made me realise why I felt lonely as a child, as there is no way I would do it say to my children things she did and say. I really wish we had a different relationship, but not at the expense of my own health, so I cannot just continue to say "yes ma'am" and pretend everything is ok. What is frustrating is that she doesn't even recall or remember half of the things, which makes acknowledgement of any issue impossible (or an apology!) and therefore we cannot really have closure. Time just passes by.

*no way I would do OR say

Great post Jedimum1 you put things very well and I can relate to a lot of what you say, thank you for sharing

Thank you, peaceout. As a PP has said before, this is a taboo but not as uncommon as we are made to think. Your feelings are legitimate, nobody should dismiss them, not even yourself . We might need to understand them or deal with them in different ways, but don't feel bad for having those feelings, you haven't "created" them to hurt anyone, they are a consequence of a chain of events. In some cases, another chain of events might change these feelings, in some cases, it's not that simple. In any case, these are your feelings and completely valid. [Hugs]

Peaceful, I feel for you as I could be you. I feel the same about people in general. I had a fairly normal upbringing but really disliked the enforced family get togethers. I am actually non contact with my family as when I put boundaries in place to reduce my anxiety they refuse to respect them. Mainly they insisted on seeing me multiple times per week plus phone calls. Previously I would comply reluctantly or lie my way out of doing things. Eventually it got too much, the anxiety of doing things I didn't want to do or lying to protect myself.

Obviously there are other circumstances I won't go into. I am a lot happier now, and I would not lose sleep over not seeing them again. I don't believe that we must submit to our family of birth regardless of how they treat us. To me the family I make is what matters. That may be cold to some but that doesn't bother me. I don't seek approval from others.

I too struggle with parenting as I have low thresholds for chaos and noise, but I swallow it as much as I can and retreat when I can safely do so. I am very affectionate with my kids. I want them to be happy so accept being uncomfortable and know that they are only little for a short period of time.

don't feel bad for having those feelings, you haven't "created" them to hurt anyone, they are a consequence of a chain of events
A great point!
I don't believe that we must submit to our family of birth
And another one, mine seem to feel they have some authority over me on the issue of visiting me, I say it's really not a good time I've just got so much on right now, they say 'but we still want to cover up and see you'
I say no but they continue to insist 😐
With my own children I'm very sensitive to signs that they need space and am careful not to intrude, but my own parent don't seem to read me,or perhaps they think I need to be brought into line 🙄

don't feel bad for having those feelings, you haven't "created" them to hurt anyone, they are a consequence of a chain of events
A great point!

That is a great point Jedimum! Really helpful.

Peaceout mine seem to feel they have some authority over me on the issue of visiting me, I say it's really not a good time I've just got so much on right now, they say 'but we still want to cover up and see you'

It is so stressful to be forced! I understand the pressure and resentment. It's when I finally put my foot down that it broke down. You only have one life. Do what is best for you.