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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents - I just dont really enjoy spending time with them

192 replies

peaceout · 13/05/2017 16:59

and yet they just carry on inviting themselves over to see me.

I'm a very quiet unsociable person, I choose to spend nearly all my time alone, but they seem to feel entitled to my time and energy and I resent it.

I'm not looking for a solution, just offloading and wondering if I'm alone in feeling like this?
(I know I'll be flamed for being unkind/ungrateful etc )

OP posts:
NotYoda · 13/05/2017 18:36

... (re: background info.)

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:37

If he lived near ish, I would go and see him for half an hour every few weeks, I think I could cope with that.
But he travels all the way up here, and I feel resentful at having to spend more than a few hours at a time with him

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 13/05/2017 18:37

Not I said majority of parents, obviously not all.
User That's sad for you. My Mum calls me every day ( sometimes up to five times!).

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:41

My Mum calls me every day ( sometimes up to five times!)
and are you cool with that?

OP posts:
Snorkmaiden85 · 13/05/2017 18:47

I understand, peace and related to a lot of what you've said. I love my parents, but have a bit of a strange relationship with them - on the surface it's good, but I often feel odd, unsettled or at worst very depressed and anxious after spending time with them. It's actualy got a lot better in recent years, but for a long time I had a 'not over the threshold' policy where I wouldn't have them in my home! I never told them this as didn't want to hurt them, I just went out of my way to arrange to meet in more neutral places, or saw them at my siblings' houses.

Like you I spent a lot of time feeling confused (and guilty) about why I would feel like that, and comparing with other people's relationship with their parents, and feeling like I was horrible for not wanting them in my home. I am an anxiety suffering introvert so it's partly that, but also complex historical stuff to do with my parents/childhood that I won't go into here - they push all sorts of buttons for me and it can take a while to 'recover'. My counsellor was very supportive of my need to keep my home a 'safe place' and honestly I think it improved my relationship with them to have that boundary. I still have certain boundaries around what I feel comfortable with.

I have had quite a bit of counselling which has been helpful on sorting things out in my head and helping me feel less guilty, and working out what boundaries it's OK/necessary to keep - might be worth exploring?

BonApp · 13/05/2017 18:49

I get it OP. I find spending time with my parents draining (and they are divorced and remarried so I have two lots) and I find them somehow demanding. I can't explain it. My childhood was ok (they divorced amicably at the time, but it got nastier as I got older) though both my parents can be critical and controlling (my step-parents are fine).

I do love them but over the years I think I like them less. I used to enjoy their company and now I mainly endure it. I resent them getting old and grumpy, plus something shifted in me when I became a parent and they became grandparents, and this dynamic changed things too.

It makes me sad and guilty to feel like this, but it is what it is.

We live overseas so it's somewhat easier. Though I don't know how things will work as they get older. More guilt and sadness. Plus I dread my DC ending up feeling the same about me.

BigGrannyPants · 13/05/2017 18:50

I think YABU, totally. However at the end of the day it's your decision. I would imagine if you have this out with your parents you will hurt them deeply, but that's no worse than resenting them for wanting to spend time with you. I love my parents, when they visit it's for days or weeks because they live in another country. It's not always plain sailing and we do annoy each other but I am always upset and sad when they leave and I miss them when they are not here. But everyone's different.

BonApp · 13/05/2017 18:51

snork your post resonates. I've not ever seen a counselor but have wondered if it would help me process some of the confusion.

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:56

My counsellor was very supportive of my need to keep my home a 'safe place'
thats good to know Snorkmaiden and thank you for sharing your experiences :)
I do have boundaries, eg no overnight visits at all from anyone.
I dont have any siblings, which might make things easier by sharing the burden?
well if my hypothetical sibling was an extrovert then I could just be the weird quiet one and hopefully be left alone :o

OP posts:
Snorkmaiden85 · 13/05/2017 19:01

BonApp i read your post after posting mine and yours resonated too - I really empathise. I've seen a few counsellors over the years - it can take a while to find the right one so don't be afraid to chop and change if it's not working out for you, I was lucky to find someone excellent through the NHS and it's made an enormous difference. Something she said that I've found very useful is that you can't change other people, but you can change yourself/how you respond to them - and they may or may not change in response. It's been VERY gradual but the dynamic between me and my parents has changed considerably and I probably share more with them now than I have for a long time. Please don't beat yourself up for how you feel! These things are always more complex than they appear on the surface.

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 19:01

thank you for sharing and understanding BonApp :)

OP posts:
Sugarformyhoney · 13/05/2017 19:02

Its difficult to know if Yabu without the context tbh

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 19:15

It may be that I actually am 'very very cold'
or so strongly empathetic that I feel overwhelmed and so I switch off and keep people at a distance as an act of self preservation

OP posts:
DeadGood · 13/05/2017 19:44

I'm a bit torn Peaceout ... I have things like this that I deal with where I think "am I insane? Clearly nobody else thinks like this"

So YANBU to have these feelings

However I have to say that your posts make slightly difficult reading. You do not sound "usual" - this attitude is a reasonably niche one, I would say, and not one that I share.

For example you write "they seem to feel entitled to my time and energy and I resent it" - this is the kind of statement that is likely to get people's backs up because it sounds - yes to quote another poster - extremely cold. I know this has been a controversial word to use but, in the absence of any context, the way you talk about your parents is pretty awful. Something about the wording makes them sound blissfully unaware of how you feel, and I agree hag they may feel they are doing you a favour.

Basically I think you should post this on Mental Health, because you do say in a later post that you wish to gain greater insight into why you feel this way. You might get more help there.

deckoff · 13/05/2017 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HorridHenryrule · 13/05/2017 20:17

Did you resent not having time for yourself when you had children?

drinkingtea · 13/05/2017 20:18

deckoff I was thinking that as I read the last page - why do people always jump onto threads about difficult relationships with parents to say that they have a great, close and living bond with their parents, which they assume is normal and so can't understand why anyone else might struggle.

It's like the "I just want to vent about the fact my 9 month old baby hasn't ever slept for more than a two hour stretch and I am so sleep deprived I can't remember my own name" threads where inevitably people feel the need to post "all my 7 children slept through the night from birth, it's because I like my sleep Confused "

It is pretty cold to rub your easier situation in the face of someone struggling.

SheepyFun · 13/05/2017 20:21

Just wondering, peaceout , do you feel that your parents are disappointed with you? I've was never good enough for my mum growing up (one of my GCSEs wasn't an A, I got a 2:1, not a first - we really aren't talking terrible results), and I always feel anxious before seeing her. My choices as an adult haven't met with her approval either. She gets told a very 'edited' version of my life, and as you may guess, we aren't close. Visits tend to last a few days due to the (geographical) distance between us, and that's always hard work. Does any of that resonate?

BigGrannyPants · 13/05/2017 20:29

@deckoff I can only go by what OP has said and with respect you don't know my background or my relationship with my parents either. I can only speak from my own personal experience which is surely what everyone does. My post does say that it is OPs decision and that everyone is different. Your post is judgemental too.

deckoff · 13/05/2017 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magicpaintbrush · 13/05/2017 21:08

Do you like your parents? Would it bother you if you had no contact at all with them?

Would it bother you if your own children felt the same about spending time with you one day as you do about seeing your own parents - I mean would you feel hurt or would it not bother you?

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 21:36

the way you talk about your parents is pretty awful.
I don't dislike them, just don't feel especially emotionally attached to them, and generally speaking my needs for contact with other people are very low, I much prefer to be on my own and I am quite absorbed in my own various interests and pursuits.
I guess that makes me an outlier but is it inherantly pathological?

OP posts:
Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 21:37

I wouldn't be surprised if my kids didn't want to spend time with me, as long as they were happy I'd be fine with it
I don't own them

OP posts:
Iamastonished · 13/05/2017 21:44

You sound very self contained.
We all judge by our own values and own experiences, so to me, not being bothered about not seeing your children or parents seems odd. But I am not you.

It makes me wonder about the fact that you found someone to share your life with enough to have children with them.

BigGrannyPants · 13/05/2017 21:50

@deckoff but OP IBU in my opinion Hmm it wasn't designed to be unempathetic, I was just looking at it practically. Just how I look at things. It's hard to feel empathy though, when there is no clear reasoning behind her behaviour towards her parents.

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