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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

parents - I just dont really enjoy spending time with them

192 replies

peaceout · 13/05/2017 16:59

and yet they just carry on inviting themselves over to see me.

I'm a very quiet unsociable person, I choose to spend nearly all my time alone, but they seem to feel entitled to my time and energy and I resent it.

I'm not looking for a solution, just offloading and wondering if I'm alone in feeling like this?
(I know I'll be flamed for being unkind/ungrateful etc )

OP posts:
NotYoda · 13/05/2017 17:58

I wonder if parenting was hard, and now you can breathe again as they are older, but in the back of your mind that level of responsibility or contact is maybe starting again and it feels stifling

I can understand, if so.

ihatethecold · 13/05/2017 17:59

I don't think anyone should tell you that you are wrong to feel this way.

It's just life isn't it?

biginjapan · 13/05/2017 18:00

Peachy, op is fine with it and I haven't apologised. I stand by the original post sounding cold - I was just seeking further clarity and understanding. You don't need to patronise me, thanks all the same.

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 18:00

More questions!

Do you have any friends who visit who stress you?

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:01

but in the back of your mind that level of responsibility or contact is maybe starting again and it feels stifling
I think that could be part of it, the 'weight' of other people wanting things from you

OP posts:
Shewhomustgowithoutname · 13/05/2017 18:03

Peaceout - How would you feel if the situation was the other way around and your parents dreaded having to visit you. What if they felt their Blood Pressure building up at the thought of spending time with you. You are being careful not to impose yourself on your children but what if your children actually wish you would go to see them on a casual basis rather than written invitation.

The way I see it we are born into families and we have to accept that relatives are not perfect but they are our relatives. Trying being more friendly and see how that goes for a while.

scaryteacher · 13/05/2017 18:04

Peaceout It could just be that they love you and worry about you? I'm 51, and my Mum still worries about me. I can't see that my love for ds will diminish as I get older. He may be 21 now, but I still love him as much as when he was little.

Brittbugs80 · 13/05/2017 18:06

Hate to say it, but they won't be around forever and then they won't be a bother.

I'd give anything to have my Dad knocking at my door.

user1494694735 · 13/05/2017 18:08

the OP didn't ask for her parents to worry. That is their choice.

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:08

Do you have any friends who visit who stress you?
As you may guess I dont exactly have a wide circle of those, very solitary!

But no friends (imo)tend to be people who 'get' you dont they, and I've nver felt that pressure of expectation from friends
but parents....it feels as if they dont really see me as I see myself, they dont seem to notice that I find their presence very stressful and that I avoid spending time with them

OP posts:
user1494694735 · 13/05/2017 18:09

Britt......its all about loss isn't it? I have shit parents and they are hanging on in their at a very old age.
It's just not that simple.

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:10

Peaceout - How would you feel if the situation was the other way around and your parents dreaded having to visit you
honest answer, I'd be relieved because then I could just put them off and not see them...I wouldnt care if they didnt want to spend time with me.

OP posts:
user1494694735 · 13/05/2017 18:10

OP kind of basic suggestion but maybe try to talk to them?

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:12

I cant put across how I feel user149 it will sound stupid and there is just so much that I dont want to share with anyone let alone my parents, it's easier just to manage it and duck out where I can

OP posts:
NotYoda · 13/05/2017 18:19

Have you considered seeing someone to talk to about this? I think a Psychotherapist; maybe one with an Existential Therapy orientation, would help. The BACP website would help you find someone

memyselfandaye · 13/05/2017 18:20

@Brittbugs80 Me too, I would give anything to see my Dad one more time, he died over 10 years ago aged 54. To be able to show him what a wonderful 6yr old grandson he has would mean the world to me.

I'm close to my Mum too and would do anything for her, and her me.

Be careful what you wish for OP.

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:21

Thanks for the suggestion Yoda:)
I will bear it in mind, although wonder if I am too entrenched to be fixed in any way

OP posts:
Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:23

I'm close to my Mum too and would do anything for her, and her me
sounds as if you had a lovely bond :)
but you do know that some mother daughter relationships are pathological in the extreme

OP posts:
NotYoda · 13/05/2017 18:24

They don't 'fix'. They listen and reflect back to you what you say and help you understand it. With understanding can sometimes come a bit of peace and some practical ideas of how to manage your feelings . Also, just forming a relationship with someone who has no agenda for you to reciprocate feelings can be a new experience and help you say what you need to.

scaryteacher · 13/05/2017 18:24

User I thought love and concern was the default position for the majority of parents? Perhaps if the OP saw them sometimes, or called them, they might be less inclined to visit?

NotYoda · 13/05/2017 18:26

Just because something should be so, doesn't make it that way. We don't know the OPs situation

user1494694735 · 13/05/2017 18:27

mine show neither love nor concern unless it is on their terms and they want something.

NetflixandBill · 13/05/2017 18:33

I can see your point. I'd far rather see someone for an hour a week, every week than for a few days at a time. I'd find that quite stressful really.

Is there anything you can do to see them more often but maybe just for one night at a time? That might be less daunting

Original poster
peaceout · 13/05/2017 18:35

I apologise for not giving enough background info, there are things that I'm not comfortable discussing.
I actually find it alarming how stressed out I am by my fathers visits and I dont really understand why
I feel guilty for wanting to keep him at arms length, but that doesnt stop me wanting to keep him at arms length

OP posts:
NotYoda · 13/05/2017 18:35

No, and that's fine. I wouldn't either